Consequences for Breaking Things

I read in a book (I think it was "Raising Happiness") that one way to help children control their tempers is by helping them identify their emotional states. In the book, I think she used a cooking analogy and colors (blue for cool, red for boiling, for example). Numbers worked better for my son. He knew 32 was freezing and 100 was boiling, so I could ask him how hot he was feeling at any given moment. If he felt that he was getting on the high side, say 80 degrees or higher, I'd say, "What can we do to cool you down?" And then we'd do some calming techniques, like taking deep breaths or counting to 20, things like that.

We also did a lot of empathizing: "I see you are having some really big feelings right now. What can you do to deal with those feelings?"

As far as his destructive behavior, I would make him wear the shoes that he destroyed. I hope you don't replace any of the things that he breaks.

I highly suggest the Love & Logic parenting method. It's all about logical consequences to things and works great!

I suggest that you're expecting your son to have an understanding about the cost of things that he's too young to have. Good that the play money works for getting things done. That's positive reinforcement. But he has no idea of the cost of shoes and making him pay for them may help but it won't teach him how to manage his anger.

I also suggest that instead of focusing on consequences for his acting out in anger that you focus on teaching him how to manage his anger.

A good book that would help is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlisch. You want him to use his words.

It also sounds like you respond to his angry and destructive outbursts with anger. How does that teach him to remain or regain calm? You were angry when you sent him to his room. He retaliated by tearing out the stuffing in his shoe. And.....you expect him to show remorse when you're angry with him for doing it?

I suggest that you find a way to remain calm so that when you send him to his room you're able to calmly tell him that because he threw the toy he needs to stay in his room to calm down. Going to his room is not a punishment. It's a tool to regain composure. This means you have to be composed when you're sending him there.

Find a way to be sympathetic with his feelings. Tell him you know he's angry with his sister. Later, talk about possible reasons why. And work with him to find ways to act instead of throwing a toy. What will make a big difference here is showing him you're on his side, that you understand and that you're there to help him learn a better way to act.

My daughter uses this technique with her kids. They are older now and have learned to go to their room instead of acting out in anger. Well, at least some of the time. lol

Is he ever... allowed to express his feelings and vent and just deflate?

If not, teach him how to express himself and the names, for feelings.

Then, when something goes good or wrong.... "practice" with him about expressing it. Teaching HIM how to express his thoughts/feelings and how to say it and that he can say it and is allowed to.
Wrong or right.

Discern WHY he is getting upset. To an adult it is just a tantrum. But to a child... they often have a reason... and it may not be obvious to us.
And sometimes, a kid may just disagree, because they feel that, it makes no difference even if they do agree or go along with something, so then they just 'learn' to disagree. Because it makes no difference.

Teach him HOW to express his anger. Saying it, verbally. And that you are there for him. Then, when it is due to a wrong doing... apply whatever repercussion you feel will work. Logically.

He also seems pent up and frustrated. Thus he is getting angry for capricious reasons. Whenever and for whatever.
He seems to just be in a vicious cycle... about just being cantankerous.
But why?

Does he ever have just time to himself? Or just with you without the sibling? Maybe he just needs... more time for himself and not in the shadow of the sibling?
Or does he feel he has to be "perfect" all the time because he is the elder sibling by default? For some kids, this can be a lot of pressure... especially on a child that is only 4. Hence they get frustrated and always... angry. But don't know how to express that.
They need help and to know, that they still matter. Not only when they are bad.

My son is the youngest. We taught him, to SAY when he wants to be by himself or not have his older sister bother him etc. And that it is okay... for him to say so. For example. That... helped his frustration level a ton.
We taught him... that everyone is different... and that he can tell us. We do not ever expect him... to be perfect and that, he can tell us. And we are a "TEAM" about it all.

Sometimes, Elder siblings get a lot of "expectations" put upon them by the parent, just because they are the oldest.... despite their own young age. And this... frustrates them. My older daughter, when I had my son.... I told my daughter to TELL ME... whenever she felt frustrated or just anything. Once she told me "Mommy, I'm just a little kid myself, I'm not an adult..." when I was asking her to help me with her baby brother. This was MY cue, from her... that she was getting... too overloaded. And I then, re-adjusted my "expectations" of her.
And I didn't scold her for it.... it was not her fault.

A parent's "expectations" upon the Eldest, can really makes things worse or better. Per age and age stages.

Keep expectations... Age Appropriate.

Even if you are letting him punch a pillow when he is angry.... the "reason" why he is angry, is not addressed, nor is he understood. And he is not understood. And being he is so young, and does not know the words for feelings, he may not even know how to SAY, why.
Therefore, it may not work. And he will still be angry.

Do not, teach him about behavior using money.
It will teach him that money... determines things.

I would tell him that since he ruined them before you could return them, then he now had to wear them. lack of stuffing and all.

Not sure of the answer to his anger/destructiveness issues, but you really shouldn't expect him to be bothered by telling him his allowance will be confiscated to pay for the shoes. He is 4. He really can't grasp that very well yet.

If it is possible, I would still make him wear the shoes, torn up and all.

Well if he is like my Andy he needs that release. We bought Andy a punching bag, he hasn't destroyed a thing since. Granted he was 12 before we figured this out but it does work.

Oh Andy has PDD so his temper is one of his issues.

Find out his "currency". My SD used to break stuff all the time and I refused to buy her things like CDs for a long time. She had a broken CD case and a broken set of CDs. She would similarly mistreat everyone else's stuff. We'd literally walk through her room and find pieces of stuff. We found out that she's a socially motivated kid. Break your stuff? Can't go play. Can't have a friend over. Can't do a sleepover. Can't go to a party. We had to do *something* because she didn't care - her mom just bought more. When she was older, she lost a cell phone and refused to look for it. It was insane.

Or, since he deliberately ruined the shoe, if it otherwise can be worn, maybe he has to wear them that way. Teach him that ruining it isn't the way to get out of not wearing them.

Or the next several times he wants something, "No, because you ruined your shoes. Shoes cost money. No special cereal because you ruined your shoes and I can't return them." Equate money with something tangible.

Since he cannot be trusted when he's angry, maybe put him somewhere else for time out. Somewhere you keep an eye on him vs in his room. Somewhere boring where he can't reach into cabinets or if he does, you'll see him.

My friend's son got very angry around 4 yrs old, or maybe it was just that he had a shorter fuse. They did two things: first, they would sometimes hold him while they talked. The parent would pull him onto their lap and talk to him about what he'd done and what he needed to do instead of throwing blocks or yelling at his friend. If they felt that he wasn't calm enough, he had to sit longer. The second was they got him into martial arts. Channeled that aggression into something and gave him an appropriate outlet.

I taught DD to take deep breaths. If she screams, she can go somewhere else to scream (but she's not a destroyer, typically). The other day she went to her room, yelled a lot, came back to tell me how I was mean and hurt her feelings and then went back to yell some more. O....kay?

Good luck.

He's too young to understand the concept of money or withholding the money etc.
They don't get this concept until later.
They can't even "reason" on their own until they begin to mature. More of that starts at the age of 7. And it only begins.
My first thought was that he didn't like the shoes. Not that that is why he
ruined them. That was probably just displaced anger.
Can't expect him to "get too much" at this age.
Instead of buying shoes online, look for a good name brand you know to
be comfortable next time you are at Target w/him. Even try to get him
to look @ the shoes to see if it something he would wear.
Even at a young age, we all developed likes, dislikes, comforts etc.
The taking apart of toys & accidentally scratching things are more normal
for boys as they are inquisitive as to how things are put together. My son
has done that yet my SD never did that.
My friends that have girls never destroy anything or take things apart.
More gender based.
Instead of trying to reason w/him as though he was 10 or 13, do explain
things but don't hold him accountable for certain things like money value
etc.
You can use timeouts (4 mins for his age w/a timer set).
Withholding allowance is also beyond his reasoning.
You will have diff problems as a teenager (trust me) & at diff stages of
growth.
I was 5 years older than my sister & clearly remember fighting w/her, wanting to have my own things that she did not destroy, not wanting to play w/her when I was older etc.
Try to find a good book @ the library regarding sibling differences & how to handle them.
I wish you the best and hang in there.

I've found that for many kids (even my 10-year old) that consequences have to be immediate, along with rewards. Telling my 10-year old that she has to pay to replace something doesn't work--and she's much older. Usually we can't get to the store at that moment, and by the time we do have her replace the item, she can't connect the "punishment" with the "crime."

I would make your child wear the torn-up shoes. He's not going to connect losing his play money with the act of ruining his shoes, but wearing his torn-up shoes may make him think twice.

My daughter is always ruining her things through carelessness. She spilled nail polish on her pants for competition and ruined them. I thought about making her replace them with her own money--but then she got excited at the prospect of "new pants," even if they were bought with her own money.

I decided to make her wear the pants with the spilled nail polish on them instead. THAT was the lesson she needed. She was a little embarrassed to walk around the competition with bright red nail polish stuck to her pants. She said she felt like people were staring at her pants (they weren't) and several other kids asked what happened and she had to say "I spilled nail polish on my pants."

After that she begged me to let her buy new pants with her own money. I did, and she's been VERY careful of her pants and other competition things.

I think if your son breaks things, then he should be made to play with them (provided they can't cut him). Take away his whole toys and give him the broken things to play with. Don't throw them away.

Try enrolling him in martial arts. He needs a physical outlet and he also needs to learn respect. Martial arts will teach him both--the BIGGEST thing they teach is to NEVER hit out of anger. Perhaps this lesson will be best coming from his martial arts teacher--sometimes kids listen to other adults better than their own parents! It may also help him get ahold of his feelings and teach him how to control them. In taekwondo, one of the tenets is self-control.

He may also really love the physical outlet. My husband used to be that kid who destroyed things out of anger. Now he's still in martial arts and loves it. It has given him a great outlet, and of course he no longer destroys things in anger :-)

I've gone the route of teaching my son how to calm himself down. Things like counting and taking deep breaths. Teaching him to punch pillows and the like seemed to just encourage destructive behavior, in our case anyway.

I think you are doing great! Just stay consistent. No allowance until those shoes are paid off. Make him feel a little pain and have real consequences. I would take that allowance and put it in a jar where he can see it each week. Be so sorry for him. Tell him "Oh, too bad you didn't have this money to buy that special game you wanted, but we need it to buy you shoes." He may even have to miss a few play dates....... "Sorry honey, but you don't have good enough shoes to wear to the park. We have to wait until we save that money and buy you a new pair."

Just don't let the pain go on too terribly long. I'm not sure a 4 year old will understand that. You might help him along by letting him wash windows to earn some of the money he owes you.

Last, don't buy him things. Make him depend on that allowance if you are going to use it as a tool.

One thing, a kid does not need that much money a month much less per day.

Two, when a child is truly in a rage/temper tantrum they are not at a functioning level. Their higher brain function is not there, they are not capable of even ration thought at that time. I had one little guy when I worked with kids with developmental disabilities and his doc would even give him seizure meds to help with the rages. He said that kids brain function goes into the brain stem and the rest of the brain is just like it is not there.

Rages happen. Kids have temper tantrums. When he has a temper tantrum you need to do time out with him in your lap. Take the shoes off and watch you legs, he'll back kick and leave nasty bruises. Cowboy bots are the worst.

If you are right handed.

Put him facing out on your left knee. Take his right hand in your left hand in front of his body. You can trap his right hand if you need to by just putting your left arm/hand on top of his free hand. If he is not attacking you then you might let his left hand be free.

You need keep your right hand between you and his head. He can head butt you and break your cheek bones or teeth if he does that. I always make sure that I am rubbing his upper back and talking calmly to him. Trying to get him to take deep breaths, to relax and loosen his tense muscles. It helps him to regain control. This may take 5 minutes or it may take 1/2 hour.

I just try to stay calm and that transfers to him more than my being stressed and yelling at him. It also allows him a safe haven to let his frustration out.

Once he is calm he is more able to behave responsibly and to not tear things up. Helping him to do this is one way of teaching him to calm himself down.

You might take some love and logic classes so you can learn to limit his rewards and only give his simple choices. Age appropriate choices and rewards.

One possible thing you can do is when you put him in time out/send to room - whatever you do to separate him. Make sure he is truly isolated. His room is a bit too convenient. The destroying is probably an unconscious way of "getting back" at you for "being mean". Find or create a place for him with no distractions. No toys in his reach, can't see or hear a TV or any other people. very boring place. Unfortunately there is probably no pat answer - you have to try different things to find what works for him.

Play money or not, he's never going to learn self-control, etc. I think he needs a doctor to rule out any mental issues. But it sounds like there's something wrong. If he's acting out like this and he's only four, things are only going to get worse if you don't do something now.

Good luck!!!

I would recoment watching super nanny!!!! I have gotten great tips from that show. Not all of them work for everyone. If you know he distroys stuff don't put him in his room where he can do that stuff while he's mad find a spot you can put him. I would also recomend taking him to a councilor. Sounds like he's got some major anger issues for so young. You many want to find things for him that when he get's upset are ok to distory. I know phone books are fun to tear up. My mom had a councilor that told her to do that when she was mad. He needs to get it out some way.

Good luck and God Bless!