Help My Almost 3 Year Old Son Is a Bully!

It could be because of his new baby sister. Sometimes kids don't know how to release their feelings, and maybe he is taking them out on someone he can push around.

My SD gets mean with the cat sometimes, thinking up punishments and trying to put the cat in time-out. This got worse when her baby brother was born at mom's house.

See if you can get him involved in a physical activity. 3 is good for a parent-tot class. Maybe martial arts? This might help him get out his feelings in a more positive way?

I think you've received some good advice.

If this is a playdate he looks forward to, I'd threaten him that you'll discontinue having them if he can't play nicely with his friend. If he still bullies, I'd carry through with it until he shows he can place nicely.

We have 2 kids as well (4 and 2), and they have distinctly different personalities that make tactics towards discipline much more difficult because different things work differently for them.

It sounds like he's not responding to the way you're doing time-outs, so I'd stop doing them this way. Either alter them or find another approach to disciplining him that is effective.

Most importantly, though, we're learning is to be conscious of telling them what they're doing well instead of always focusing on the negative behavior. Our son's class at day care has a "tree of kindness". They get to put things on there when they've been a good friend to the other kids. Our son is so proud of showing us what's on there. Perhaps you can do something like that to reward him and give him a sense of accomplishment for what he does well while still enforcing the rules of conduct and disciplining the bad behavior.

He'll learn, over time, that the positive rewards are much more fun than the negative.

Good luck!

Throwing a new sibling into the mix almost always gives older children some serious adjusting to do, and if your son resents his little sister but isn't allowed to say so or to act on it, then he could indeed be taking his frustrations out in other ways.

And the simple fact is, kids this age have not yet developed much empathy, so are just plain "raw" in their likes and dislikes. It's very honest, actually – can you think of people in your life that you don't like, but perhaps pretend you do? And can you make yourself like them just because someone tells you you should? Nope, I can't, either.

Please don't start labeling him – this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy that children all too often live up (or live down) to. Continuous punishment is almost the same thing as no punishment – it just becomes the steady-state reality for that child, and he comes to see himself as hopelessly bad.

I'd try a new strategy. At home, I would role-play the situation, with stuffed animals for puppets. Let your son play the part of the aggressor, and have the other animal(s) ask him what he's doing, and why. He probably won't be able to say much, but it will help him puzzle out his feelings.

Have a big animal come and talk to him, ask if he needs to be separated from the group. No? Then what other action does he choose so he can keep on playing? (Maybe apologizing, sharing, or taking out aggressive feelings on some inanimate object.)

Yes? Then, does he want to sit over there until he settles down, or should we all go home? Positive choices, rather than unbending punishment, will give him a chance for a redo, and the possibility of actually practicing alternative outcomes. That just can't happen with end-to-end time-outs.

Finally, switch roles. You'll be surprised at how well he'll be able to play the parent. He already knows by heart what parents tell him. The piece that's missing is his emotional development, and that will need tender coaching to help him bring out his best. So try to get him to play the role of the creative and sympathetic parent, and pay attention to what he reveals – it will be what he perceives he needs from you when he's acting out. (If it turns out he can only scold and punish, that's because that's all he's had modeled.)

You can also use this approach to gauge his reaction to his little sister. And help him find ways to express his almost certain frustration and disappointment with having to move over and make room for a baby.

Role playing with puppets is a fabulous way to look inside our children's minds, because they don't know how to identify and report very much of what they're feeling. But all behaviors are strategies to try to meet needs. Little kids just don't come up with very good strategies yet. They need opportunities to find alternatives that work better.

Kids crave our attention and approval above almost all else. If they feel the approval isn't there, they'll still seek attention, even if it has to be negative. So "catch" your son doing acceptable things all day long. Notice when he tries to make his sister laugh. Comment when he comes to the table on time, or picks up his toys. Remark on his attempts to play peacefully or constructively beside his playdate friend. Tell him how much you like his smile.

I'm sure you try to do this. And you're busy and probably stretched far too thin most hours. But if you can train yourself to give him regular, positive feedback, he will probably rise to your new estimation of him.

If your son is a bully, it's because he's not yet learned how to be social. It's normal for a 3 year old to be pushy and obnoxious unless they've been shown how to handle situations differently.

I suggest that instead of punishing him that you teach him how to handle that situation differently. When he grabs a toy, go to where he is, show him how to ask for the toy. If the other boy is crying, sympathetically comfort him first while calmly telling your son that his grabbing the toy has upset the other boy. You are teaching him how to show sympathy as well as bringing to his attention what happens when he grabs a toy away from someone else and that sympathy is the needed action to fix it. Then show your son sympathy by telling him you know that he really wanted to play with that toy. Then give the toy back to the other boy and take your son to another part of the room and get him started doing something else if after your son asks, the boy doesn't want to give it to him. This is called distraction which teaches him what to do when he wants something he can't have. You will probably not try to do this all at once. Start out with expressing sympathy and build on that foundation.

I'm a firm believer in natural consequences as usually the best way to discipline. It teaches the child what happens when he misbehaves and how to fix it so that eventually he'll know the correct way to behave. Taking away the toy he's just grabbed is a natural consequence. He can't play with it. Sitting in time out only causes him to be more angry and more likely to repeat taking away the toy in hopes that this time he'll get away with it. Time out, in this situation doesn't teach him how to behave or take into consideration his angry feelings that have been building over time.

As Peg M. said, kids this age generally haven't developed an ability to be sympathetic. Sympathy does not happen naturally. It has to be taught.
A very important part of teaching sympathy is being sympathetic to the child. When we are continually correcting a child without giving them a sense that we understand how they're feeling that is causing their misbehavior they only become more angry. All of us need to feel that our feelings are heard. At 3 he probably hasn't yet learned how to use his words.

That is another thing that we as parents have to teach. How to use our words. If his grabbing away the toy make you angry, then you use your words with him. Tell him you are angry and why first. Then calm yourself down and show sympathy to both children. Do not try to do anything while you are angry. Anger causes more anger and the situation escalates. I suspect that this is one reason time outs often do not work. The parent is angry or irritated when they put the child in time out.

Play dates frequently are not quiet time for parents to get together when the children are this age because the children need to be taught how to get along with other children. Your son is NOT a bully. He's a 3 yo who has not been taught how to share or get along with other children. It also sounds like he's angry, that there are good reasons for him to feel angry and his anger has not been validated or accepted.

First we have to accept that anger is OK and then teach our child how to deal with the anger. Included in that step is finding out what the child is angry about and help them learn how to accept what cannot be changed or for us to change what is causing the anger when it can be changed.

Having to share toys is very difficult for some children. Perhaps you could arrange the situation so that he has to share less often. My grandchildren, who are 3 years apart still have difficulty sharing at times. They are 7 and 10. Starting when they were toddlers the rule was that they didn't have to share their toys. They could say no when the other chld asked for them or tried to grab them away. Now they can put them away so that the other child cannot have them Teaching them how to do this took a great deal of parental involvement and teaching. First they were taught how to say no and how to accept no. Once they became comfortable with that we taught them to sometimes share. We did this through frequent discussions and reading books about sharing. with them.

I bought a series of books, each one written about one feeling, when I read with my granddaughter, starting when she 1-2. She often asked me to read certain ones over and over. The ones she asked for most often were the ones on sadness and anger. I'll try to find them and include their information here.

I also recommend the book Love and Logic by Foster Kline and....... There is also a Love and Logic web site. L and L focuses on feelings and natural consequences.

I totally agree with Peggy M. Your son's feelings are most likely the source of his behavior. If you can be empathetic with your son as you teach him new skills he'll blossom as a caring child.

Good for your friend for being honest. Your sone is bullying him, because he can. He is young enough to understand that, but you need to intervene. Try a time out that isn't "away" from the other kids. If he has to sit and just watch them right there that has sometimes been more effective. Also explain exactly what he did wrong. Not just "use your words", but exactly what he should have said or done. Keep trying new things but don't let it go!

Well, he's only 3, but it's not too soon for him to learn there are natural consequences for his actions. I would sit him down and explain that because he has behaved in a mean way towards this other boy, that this boy no longer wants to play together. And because your youngest isn't really old enough to play with the older kids yet, I would just stop the weekly playdates for awhile. If you can, leave your son with a sitter or relative while you visit your friend, or plan some girl's nights out with no kids. After some time, they may or may not become friends and better playmates.

WOW! You received a lot of responses, and a lot great ideas...very detailed and very long...I must admit I did not read thru them all. My thought is that you said "I usually put him in a time out". The word "usually" makes it seem like you give in. Stay strong, put him in time out, or leave and let him know it is because of his behavior. It is hard, because the play date is ruined, but he needs to know that you will follow thru with consequences.

You might try reminding him what acceptable behavior is before the next playdate...what behavior gets him into a time out and explain that if THAT happens you will all be LEAVING the playdate early. Then be sure FOLLOW THROUGH. You might even let your friend know this is a "test" period and that you might have to jump up and go. Hope ths helps!