Communication

I don't have any personal experience with hearing impaired individuals, but I listened to an interesting radio program yesterday (Talk of the Nation from NPR, I think you can listen to it online or download it from iTunes) that was about children of hearing impaired parents. One of the children had learned sign language and communicated well with his parents and another had never learned sign language. The second child's parents never taught him because they could read lips well and could speak well. He said communication was very difficult because even the best lip readers only pick out about every third word and they cannot determine the emotion portrayed by the speaker very well. That child always regretted not learning sign language because it really inhibited his ability to communicate with his parents. Anyway, I don't know if you have learned sign language, but from what the people on the program said it is a much more affective way of communicating no matter how good the hearing impaired person is at lip reading or speaking.

Hi J.,
I would like to echo what many other wives have expressed... men and women speak an entirely different language. The book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus highlights the differences between men and women in a simple, fun, easy to understand format. And the author can give you some suggestions for communication between the two "languages". Sad to say, my husband of 15 years also hears something different than what I have expressed and I am OFTEN having to start over, and not just repeat myself but say it in another way (so he doesn't hear the same thing again!). I also stress that this is my perception and opinion, as well as make clear my feelings, so that misunderstanding can be cleared up. Sometimes it takes more than one or two tries, so hang in there! We are in the same boat - and you are not alone.
Hope that helps,
D.

J.,

You have a very important point. Communication is very important. That is why I am designing the W.H.O.L.E.(With Hearts Open to Love Everyone) Family Program. 1/3 of the program is dedicated to communication. It is more than what we say and what is hear. It is our body language, our gestures and our intention behind the words. If it wasn't a common problem there would be no need to create a support group for families.

You are so blessed to have a requirement to look in each others eyes. The world would be a better place if we all did this with each other.

With my whole heart, C.

HI J.,

I'm sure you are not alone. There are some great folks and groups that deal with hearing loss. Here are two groups that might be able to give some suggestions for tips or counselors. It doesn't hurt to ask!

AGBell Colorado Chapter
PO Box 24906
Denver, CO 80224
www.coloradoagbell.org

Colorado Families for Hands and Voices
PO Box 371926
Denver, CO 80237
###-###-####
1-866-422-0422 (toll free)
email:
____@____.com
www.handsandvoices.org

Shirley , mom to newly wed HOH man, so far so good!

My husband can "hear" just fine, but sad to say, we experience the exact same communication issues. When I read that you had a "hard of hearing" husband, I immediately thought, heck, don't we all? You have more of a challenge than most and I couldn't imagine communicating getting any more difficult than it already is. Good luck.

J., I'd have to agree with being frusterated in communicating with my husband and not understanding each other - without any language or hearing barriers!

But as you mentioned being interested in someone who can relate more to your situation, it sounds very similar to the way friends of mine described their communication. The husband was born in the United States, but the wife was born in the Phillipines. She speaks great English, but they mentioned that some more complex conversations they can't even try to have, because even when you learn your second language well, there are some words that just aren't taught, or just don't translate real smoothly. And sometimes concepts and theoretical type of language don't easily translate. So maybe if you know any couples who have different first languages, they might be able to relate more closely to your situation, and maybe have more insight to offer.

But if anyone gives you a solution to getting your husband to understand what you're saying, and feeling, and what you're not saying - please let me know!
S.

J.-I do not understand what it is like to have a husband who is hard of hearing HOWEVER, I do work with individuals-most pediatrics but have had some adults who are hard of hearing or deaf and YES-I do know what you are talking about. People who are hard of hearing or deaf SOMETIMES have a difficult time with the figurative language, the pragmatic language of English. So, add that on top of what all the women are saying that this is a "man/woman" communication issue, I can see how frustrating it is for you. My suggestions, contact your state AGBell program or Hands and Voices program and see if they have an adult support group, counselor, or such. This may help.

Also, have you tried writing things down? This is a technique I have used a lot to help the person understand more of what is going on, to talk about feelings.

Good luck-if you have questions, email me
Lisa

I have to agree with all the women who have already responded. One of the greatest frusterations in my marriage is the fact that my husband and I dont seem to be able to understand each other, and there is nothing wrong with our hearing. I can say something simple and he hears something completely different. I am not sure if we will ever find a way to understand one another ;).

I have been signing for over 10 years now, and have worked for a few months as an interpreter many years ago. I have found that with sign language, it is more than just "moving your hand like this means this", but a whole body language. Your eyebrows go up and you lean forward when you ask a question. Your mouth the words you are signing, and you face says how you feel about what you are saying. You use your whole body to express a concept rather than sign for sign. It is beautiful, and I found that when I was interpreting (it was for church and I was really rusty) I could convey as much with my body as I could with my signs even if I was having a hard time coming up with the right signs. If your husband uses sign language you need to learn. If you spoke Polish, he would learn that for you. Get your kids learning sign as well. If your husband doesnt sign, it isnt too late to start. You may find that if you learn together you develop your own system of communication between the two of you. Good luck, and I think it is really neat that you married someone who is deaf. Most women dont take that leap.

Ok, so now I see that there was more than I initially read...Talk about communication issues! I still dont think that there is anything different between you and your husband than there is between me and mine. I feel the same way, like there are some weeks when we are on the same page, and then there are some times, well most of the time, when it feels like we just simply do not understand one another. I think though that I have to change some of my behaviors. My husband has a bad habit of acting like he knows more than me, and that makes me nuts. So I get defensive and insist that he does things my way. I know that as he works on not being a know it all, I need to work on not controlling everything. I tell him what he does wrong all the time maybe because I hope he will see that he doesnt know everything. All I can say is try to focus only on what your husband does right and not on the negative. Let him know that you appreciate what he does, and then give him leway to do it his way. Listen to me, going on like I know something! I am just figuring it out on the way too. Hang in there! Maybe making time for the two of you only (Heck 5 kids is a lot of responsibility) will help.

For what it's worth, there isn't even a hearing husband around who isn't "hard of listening"! :^) Communication in marriage is a challenge, and we're all in this boat together, so I hope a lot of young women respond to your very well-expressed question! All I can say about it is that you mustn't give up. You both are much too important for that.

Hi J.,

I am just now reading this, sorry so late. I have a professional relationship with a dental hyhentist that has a deaf husband since he was about one if I remember correctly. I believe they have been married for about 15 yrs also. They have 3 girls and a boy. Reading your story, it seams you both have very similar situations. I tried to contact her before writing this, but they have left for the day. She is very personable and very open. If you are intersted, I could give her your email or phone number, and you guys could talk. She is in the Westminster,CO area. Don't know where you are. I'll bet she would love to talk to someone about the very same things. I think you can contact me privately after you read this by clicking on "send a message to shannon" or something. Anyway, just thought I'd throw it out there for you. I'd be happy to help you two get connected.

J., I am not trying to make light of your question but trust me, everything you said:

"I feel like we have such a hard time communicating. It's hard to explain. When we communicate, sometimes one doesn't understand the other. So its like we have to back up, start again with whatever we are trying to get across to each other. Its like the words are understood, but the idea or thought or point of view is completely mistaken."

This is all true of every marriage, at least everyone I know about! Sometimes I say the words and my husband and I COMPLETELY miss each other's meaning. I think it's more of a man/woman thing rather than a hearing/non-hearing thing.

While I don't have a deaf husband I do have a lot of deaf friends and I've been signing since I was a child. Does your husband sign? Either way it might be worth going to a class together. Get away from the kids and do something that will boost your communication skills at the same time.

I don't have a deaf husband, but I have deaf friends and have been signing since I was 8. Does your husband sign? If he does, do you? Think about how easy it is to misunderstand a message someone has written. Without tone and inflections and so many other verbal and nonverbal cues, it is easy to misread someone. One of the wonderful things about sign is that your whole body talks. Your hands show the words, but your body and face communicate tone and inflection. Even if you and your husband don't sign, you can still use this concept when talking to him. Communication comes in many forms, and each one has its own benefit and beauty. Sit down with your husband and let him know how important your communicating with each other is to you. Ask him how you can better communicate with him. Also know, that even if you both were hearing and communication experts, there would still be misunderstandings. It's your effort and willingness to work at it that will break down the communication barriers. Good luck :)

Hi J....although I don't have a deaf husband, I looked up an online forum for the deaf and there is a marriage/relationship section that you might be able to ask your question. Here is the link: http://www.alldeaf.com/marriage-dating-single-life/

You may have to become a member, but it's free and anonymous. Best of luck and keep us posted!

I don't have experience with what you are talking about....But have you tried journaling each other? Maybe the written word will be easier to comprehend.

Well hello J., First off this kindof thing doesnt just happen becouse he doest hear well. This is typical of all relationships. I have been married for 19 years and mine hears just fine. yet i still find myself asking him all the time if it would help if i could read his mind. most men are just not good comunicaters, and there fore we just have to try a little harder to get our points across. make sure you keep trying as this is so important and even though hard is so worth it when we get it done. good luck, and if you figure out a better way let me know.

It honestly sounds less like an issue of him being hearing impired and more like an issue of marital commmunication. Most husbands and wives go through this. I've been married for 13 years, and we still go through it sometimes too.

There's a lot of skills that can help improve communication, as long as you are both willing to work on it. I'm by no means an expert. The main things I can think of are to make sure you're calm when discussing things, and to spend the time the other is talking in listening, not in thinking about what you're going to say next. Restate what he said so you both know the message was understood.

Look into some communication seminars, or even a few books. I've heard a lot of good things about Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.