Breastfeeding Advice Needed

I can relate, in many ways. My mother was neurotic, cruel, and I believe the term is a "refrigerator mother", meaning that she was present, much like a fridge in a kitchen, but with no warmth, no interaction, no personal or intimate communication. I could relate the damage she did, for pages and pages and pages.

I had many of the same fears - I remember telling my husband that I knew nothing about babies, and that my mother had never told me a single thing about when my brother and I were born, or about her pregnancy. She never said the word sex her entire life. When I hit puberty, I told her, but instead of saying one word to me, she told my dad that he would need to talk to me and take me to the store for "things" (her word for tampons and pads). She never talked about going into labor, or the delivery. My dad was the complete opposite and he was both mother and father for me, and was the most loving parent ever. It was he who taught me about puberty, sex, and he told me what he could about when we were born (he was in the waiting room - it was before dads were part of the delivery).

I knew nothing and I was worried. But I got brave enough (or desperate enough) to tell my doctor that I had no maternal guidance, and was completely naive about birth, post-partum stuff, or breastfeeding, or what to expect about anything. I got connected with a lactation consultant whom my doctor recommended and it turns out, I wasn't the only one in my predicament. Having a compassionate nurse who understood was wonderful. The lactation consultant was patient and kind. What they do is teach and help and provide information.

We did just fine. The maternal instinct kicked in. Sure, there was adjustment and some nervousness. But I had been told that it was normal. The baby thrived. I found out that I am a good mother.

I would recommend being honest with your doctor or gynecologist or nurse. Believe me, they've heard it all. They won't be shocked. Or mad. Or disappointed. Or weirded out. Or anything, except willing to teach, to soothe, to support, to help, to listen. You are not the only one. Please share with your doctor more than "I don't know". What you ultimately decide is your business, but at least you will have made your decision based on knowledge and actual compassion, not family pressure and damage done to you by your mother. If you do become depressed, share that as well. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Ask to see a lactation nurse or consultant and tell them what you told us. If you can't say the words, write them down. Bring them a copy of what you wrote. Reach out.

sweetie, try not to let the pressure get to you. it's not just your awful Mommy Dearest figures (although they're bad enough by themselves) but societal pressure too, isn't there?

i think you just need to keep the door to all possibilities open and allow your own unique individual totally yours baby, birth and breastfeeding experience to unfold in its own unique and individual beauty.

maybe you'll get to be a Blissful Breastfeeder. many women are. it may not be difficult at all. lots of babies take right to it. most breasts adjust beautifully to it. maybe the first time your baby latches on all of your body discomfort issues will dissipate on the spot.

don't buy trouble.

but if your worst case scenario DOES unfold (and i wish you NOT dwell on it, planning is great but brooding on WCSs tends to attract them right into reality) then you'll deal with it.

and seriously- how bad can it be?

maybe you'll need to pump some. pumps are amazing these days.

but the absolute REAL WCS is that you can't get past your conditioning, your baby doesn't breastfeed well, pumping is a nightmare, it all goes to hell in a handbasket.........

so you use formula. BFD. yeah, breast is best, but millions of babies alive in this country alone right now are thriving on formula. your baby will be fine.

the stress of obsessing over potential scenarios is way more debilitating than the worst possible outcome. and whatever you envision, your reality will stray from it.

just ride the wave lightly, hon. if you don't have too much invested in EXACTLY how the ride will look, it will be a whole lot more fun.
khairete
S.

Please, please-- go talk to a counselor. There are myriad issues here and honestly, I don't feel most of us are qualified to go as deep as you need to go to heal. You are aware that your attitudes are reactionary, precautionary--- but does any of this feel authentically 'you'? You are living your life in reaction and in predicted response to the known triggers instead of just enjoying your pregnancy.

Here's what I'm going to say in regard to breastfeeding: every woman does what works for her. Some women nurse for a week, some for years. Some not at all. You are trying to control an experience you haven't had yet. Much like a birth plan, what it boils down to is much more about circumstance and reality and far less about what we think will happen. Great if things happen the way you like, and it may be that they don't and then you deal with it and move forward.

Counseling can help you make choices which are truly yours and not in reaction (or really, projection) to what you think others want from you. For your own child's sake, you need to get comfortable with your own self and your own opinions.

Can you give yourself permission to decide to simply give it a try? If you try and decide it's not for you, then you switch to bottles. You do not need to make a permanent decision right now.

Also, it's not always hard. Both mine were easy-peasy at the beginning - my first was particularly easy. Don't psych yourself out over this.

You need to get counselling for both your mom issues and body issues. It wouldn't hurt to arrange for a lactation consultant either.

Breastfeeding is hard for the first few weeks, true, but after you figure out how to do it you should find it much easier than formula and bottles. Breastmilk is always there and ready to use. You don't have to run out and buy more when you run out, or sterilize bottles for it, or warm it up. You won't forget to bring it along on an outing, or have to get up at night to mix some up. I do believe that breastmilk is best for baby, but the inconvenience and cost of formula were the bigger deciding factors for me.

I think you are way over thinking things. When your doctor asks if you plan to breastfeed, just say yes. You don't have to get into a big analysis now. When the baby is born, give it a shot. When either mom asks, just say yes, I plan to breastfeed, and leave it at that. Why cause conflict now when for all you know your breastfeeding relationship will be great?

I highly, highly, highly recommend that you get a Doula, particularly since the moms in your life don't seem like great support. A doula is there to support YOU and it sounds like you would really benefit from that. I had one birth with a doula, one without, and with was so much better!!!

As for breastfeeding, I didn't have any difficulties. Pumping was a pain in the butt and I stressed over milk production. But just feeding on demand was a breeze for me. I joke that my entire parenting technique for the first 6 months is "mouth opens, insert boob." It may not be hard for you at all. It also felt less weird for me than I thought it might, and you get used to it quickly since you do it every hour or so around the clock for a while!

I strongly urge you to reconnect or contact a therapist that specializes in Personality Disorders.

You are stll seeking the validation of your mother and it seems to over rule any confidence or judgment you have about your own journey of motherhood.

I'm glad that you realize that you are at high risk for PPD. Please discuss this with your OB and husband so that you all can be educated and have a plan of action.

Your mother is not in your womb, not in your body and not in your house...so get her the f**k out of your head.

Please, please contact a therapist.

No visits from mother until you have recovered from childbirth, have been screened for PPD, and have the approval of the therapist that you are contacting today.......

BFing is an individual experience for each mom. What is important is that the mother and baby are healthy and bonding.

Some moms do struggle with breastfeeding. Some moms do find it painfull in the beginning. Not me.

My oldest came out of the womb knowing exactly what to do. We never had problems, and I experienced no pain.

I'm telling this because you may struggle, but you may find it very easy! You won't know until you try. And really, what's the worst thing that could happen? You try and it doesn't work, right! And if that's what happens, you switch to formula. No biggy. Lots of kids were formula babies and turned out just fine!

It sounds like you've gone through some really difficult experiences, and maybe it would really help to talk to a counselor about it. Sometimes when I get stressed or overwhelmed, it helps me to consider the worst case scenario. In this case, the worst case scenario is formula, and formula just isn't that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. If giving your baby formula is the worst thing you ever do, you'll be an awesome mom!

You do what works for you. As someone who has body comfort issues re. touching - especially breasts, I have to say, the two - at least for me- ended up being COMPLETELY not related. Separate functions, separate feelings. I ended up breastfeeding for 2.5 years. PLEASE feel free to instant message me. I do get it. I still have issues about my breasts, but breastfeeding was completely not an issue. Nothing sexual AT ALL. I think it actually helped me get past some of the body issues. :)

And I didn't have it easy. I got shingles RIGHT out of the hospital, and was told to "pump & dump" which royally screwed up my supply. With the help of a lovely lactation consultant, whose attitude was "breast is best, but formula feeds your kid when your breasts can't", I got things under control in about 3 months and was able to breastfeed - LITERALLY - with my kid in an Ergo baby carrier while walking down the street in NYC. I kid you not.

Do not stress. Get a referral to a lactation consultant now. Ask if there is a nursing moms group or something that you can visit. Don't even worry about your mothers - tell them you will do what's best for you and your baby.

And honestly, you don't have to spend time with your mother. Blood doesn't make family, and toxic people don't deserve our time. I recommend a good therapist. I got one when I graduated from college and she helped me change my life. I also have a narcissistic mother so I get it. Not a guilt tripper, but a clueless me,me,me one. You have my permission to cut her off. Seriously. I did it myself. I speak with mine now, but she's just a person in my life that just happened to give birth to me. She does not fill the spot of "mother" in my heart or in my life. It sucks a bit, but it sucks a LOT less than the actual relationship did.

When it comes to feeding your baby, you do what YOU feel most comfortable with be it breast or formula. Your child will be fine either way. If you're met with unsolicited opinions, you say, "This is what I've chosen. It is not up for debate." Repeat as necessary and do not engage in arguments.

For future reference, do not share details or have conversations about things that you don't want opinions on. If your mom or MIL spouts random advice, you smile & nod, perhaps say thank you for the info. Then do your own thing.

For what it's worth, breastfeeding my firstborn was extremely difficult. First off, I had no experience or help, and I could not figure it out at home on my own. Then it turned out to be a medical issue with the baby that preventing proper positioning anyway. I ended up pumping constantly for months and giving bottles, eventually supplementing with formula as my supply diminished. It was a lot of time and work, but I don't regret making the effort.

(For this route, I recommend a high-quality Double electric pump like Medela Pump In Style.)

Breastfeeding my secondborn was a breeze in comparison and very successful. He never took a bottle and didn't wean until he was nearly 3.

You know what? You can always try to breastfeed and quit if you don't like it. That is okay too.

Both of my parents were narcissists, so I get it.
Take your Mom out of the equation do what you feel is best for you and the baby. I was able to successfully breastfeed 4 children. With the first two my nipples cracked and bled a little but my doctor got me some nipple cream and they healed. I breastfed the first one 7 months an the second 13 months the third 22 months and the fourth 14 months I simply loved breastfeeding my babies. It was the one part of the day when they were mine and mine alone. I even enjoyed the middle of the night feedings. The world was quiet and it was just me the baby and a rocking chair.
The second almost unknown benefit of breastfeeding is the hormone you secrete to make milk also helps the uterus to contact back to normal faster. So you are helping your body to get back to normal faster.
I suggest you talk to a counselor and a lactation counselor about your feelings. Continue counseling as long as you can the benefits will be unbelievable.

I'm not qualified to deal with the background issues, so take my response with a grain of salt because in your situation, most of it is probably "easier said than done".

Do what you feel comfortable with and don't pressure yourself into anything. If you want to breast feed - try it, but try it knowing that you are giving yourself other options. If it grosses you out, makes you uncomfortable, or becomes too difficult, try something else, whether that be pumping or formula.

I've had 4 kids - the first one got pumped milk. I was too grossed out by a child sucking on my breast that I wasn't willing to try breastfeeding. Pumping wasn't overly difficult it's just double the amount of time since you have to take the time to pump and then the time to feed.

The second kid got formula. Pumping with a toddler was too difficult for me. I didn't have the time to pump and feed baby, and then interact with the toddler. I thought about breastfeeding, but I was still pretty "icked" out over the idea, plus by the time I decided to quit pumping, the baby had already been getting milk in a bottle for a month and couldn't figure out how to latch.

My last two children were breast fed. Baby #3 - it was hard, and painful, and I almost quit as I struggled through horribly cracked and bleeding nipples, cringing at the thought of the next feeding. But once I got a nipple shield and the pain went away, I was glad I pushed myself through.

Baby #4 I went in with the nipple shield and never had the pain from baby number 3 (I had flat nipples and would need the shield for the first month until baby's mouth got bigger and was able to latch correctly).

Having done it all, breastfeeding is the easiest and most convenient, but not worth it if it gives you anxiety or if you are struggling with it. Formula feeding is only slightly less convenient because of having to wash bottles and remember to carry enough formula with you when you go out. Pumping is definitely the most difficult, but not significantly enough to discount it. It's your baby and your body - do what works for you. (Honestly, my formula fed baby is the healthiest - the only time that child sees a doctor is at his yearly check up. My older 3 (youngest isn't school age yet) are all in the gifted program, so the formula fed baby isn't any less intelligent than his siblings).

Well, I lost what I'd written. Perhaps I can be brief this time. I had difficulty even understanding boundaries. I couldn't make them let alone enforce them. Took me years of counseling and support from friends to learn. Now I don't understand why I didn't understand then.

I urge you to not allow either mom at the hospital or your home until you and your husband are comfortable with your baby. You need the time to get used to your baby and your different life. You do not need interference from them! You and your husband decide when to see them. It's your baby and your home. Perhaps you have a good friend who can support you as you learn. You most importantly do not want them around while you're learning to breast feed if you decide to try that.

I might refuse to have them in my home forever. You will have to work up to that. For now, make certain topics such as breastfeeding off limits. When they insist allow your husband be the protectER by ushering them out the door. Never allow them to tell you what to do. Tell them if they do, they will have to leave and follow thru wit a consequence. If showing them the door is too difficult, walk away. Go to another room. Make a plan for how you will enforce the boundary.

You are in control of your life. I learned to focus on pleasing other people, to never make a fuss to do what I was told. Took me years of counseling to learn pleasing myself was more important than pleasing someone else. And to only let people in my life who respected me and made me happy.

I grew up in a house with very few boundaries. My father was still telling me what to do well into my 30s. I learned to walk away. At first, I had to get angry before I could walk away. Gradually, I was able to leave before a fight started. Before I was able to leave the house, I went to a bedroom and cried. Eventually I learned that I was only responsible for my own happiness. I was not responsible for my Dad's. I accepted that he wasn't able to love me the way I needed to be loved. Once I knew that in my heart, I could let go of expecting him to understand me and much of my anger.

I suggest you see the mothers as little as possible. Tell them you will only see them once a week and only after they call first. Then you honor your boundary by not letting them in the door when they knock. For this to work you have to do this everytime.

Expect to be angry or like a failure, perhaps depressed. We have to go through the pain of letting go. Once you work through the pain, you will feel more confident and happy.

tell the drs you are going to try to nurse. and if it fails you are going to pump or formula feed. visit the hospital you plan to deliver at. talk to the nurses about hospital visitor policy. where i delivered i was able to set it up where i had no visitors for the first few hours then they would take a name and ask if they could come to my room. they were awesome about nicely telling an unwanted guest to leave without ever seeing me or my babies.
the nurses are also well trained in how to help you learn to brestfeed. and they will not care about anything other than helping you and baby get latched and going.

Here's what it boils down to - you can always try and then do something else, but you can't 6 months later pick up breastfeeding. I had 2 very supportive friends (and a supportive DH) and I was encouraged to try...and then I got determined that after a few weeks I'd try a little longer...and then longer...and then 6 months in I was thinking "well, this has worked out, let's go for a year." I ended up going from unsure to 2.5 years of nursing my child. I chose to use a nursing cover but not everyone does. I also found that fitting rooms, family spaces, and other seating areas in malls and stores are great. Babies R Us even had a lactation room.

What you might do is go to a lactation center or other support group and find you are not alone. Go now, before you have the baby, so you know what to expect, who to call, how to get help. Get informed vs getting stressed. Even though I'm not a huggy person, I find that my child is the exception. Nursing releases endorphins that many people find helpful to balance life's stress. I may have had 10 things bugging me that day, but throughout my day I had the touchstone of nursing my child and being the most important person in someone's world. As a working mother, that was especially important to me.

I wouldn't plan for the worst. I'd plan to succeed. Start positive. Kellymom.com is a great resource.

You might also consider in general counseling to deal with your fears of motherhood and dealing with your mother and any issues that may resurface after your child's birth.

I haven't read your entire post, but it seems like you're trying to decide whether to breastfeed or not, and it's causing you stress?

Just keep an open mind. Try breastfeeding and if it doesn't work out or you just don't want to breastfeed then feed your baby formula -- it's perfectly fine either way. I know many smart, healthy, well adjusted adults who were fed exclusively formula/ exclusively breast milk/ combo of both. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Once you accept the fact that it's okay to do either or a combination of both, you'll rid yourself of all that anxiety.

I have two kids and with my first, I pumped exclusively. I didn't plan on doing it that way -- I wanted to breastfeed. But I had a C-section so the milk took longer to come in. After that I had supply issues and because of tenderness, it was hard to latch and nursing was painful. So I pumped exclusively. I successfully fed my daughter breast milk this way until she was 13 months old. I was able to do this even though I was working full time and spending 3 hours on the road to and from the office. So it's not impossible! She was not supplemented with formula except during her first week when I was waiting for the milk to come in.

With my second, I began pumping when I was about to return to work. Before that he nursed exclusively and he was not supplemented with formula. When he was about 5 months, though, I felt like my supply just could not keep up with him so I started supplementing. I found it hard to do a combination of nursing, pumping, and formula feeding so I went exclusively formula when he was 6 months old. Although I wish that I could've continued to nurse him exclusively, going exclusively formula was the right choice for me at that time because I was juggling full time work and a preschooler in addition to trying to make nursing/pumping/formula feeding work. It was just too much for me and causing me too much stress.

Again, keep an open mind and do what you feel works best for you.

Added after your SWH: I'm sorry if you don't think that it's helpful to tell you not to breastfeed. You are the one who gave ALL the reasons not to. Not liking the idea of your baby touching you that way (heebee jeebies), body-issue background, post-partum depression and afraid of being a danger to your child, the pumping issue, family members that you don't want telling you that you have to do it, stressing out more and more each day about this... WHY wouldn't I be honest enough to say "Get real and don't nurse the baby"?? You have given SERIOUS reasons not to. I nursed two children and believe breast is best, but if I lived in YOUR shoes, I would definitely not be nursing.

I stand by my statement that you need a different counselor and that you need to put distance between you and your mother and MIL. You don't have to open the door to your mother when she shows up to demand something of you. You are the one allowing these people into your life. And just the fact that you would let them into your head enough to call it "childish" to not breastfeed in order to go against their wishes just shows how LITTLE boundaries you really have. Your counselor hasn't gotten you to the point yet where you are ignoring this. You should be only thinking about your own health, and yet you're still thinking about all the stuff they are pumping in your head.

I know you're pissed at me for putting any responsibility for your poor relationship with your MIL on you and your husband. But you do bear some of the responsibility. I DID talk about her being inappropriate. I DID tell you to stop being nice to her and demand respect. You are ignoring all of that because you only want people to say it's all her fault. If you cannot see your own faults, then you are never going be able to walk away from this kind of behavior. You need to learn MORE boundaries. There should be absolutely NO discussions of any kind regarding things your mother held over your head for years. If you're going to have ANYTHING to do with her, she should be on the tightest leash possible. The moment that she said you should breastfeed, you should have said goodbye and hung up the phone or walked out the door. She knows what pushes your buttons and you let her.

If you think that being pregnant means never hearing difficult news, then you're hurting yourself. BIG CHANGES are coming and you have to manage the landscape now, with clarity and strength. Hearing what you don't want to hear, if you have the COURAGE to listen to it, may make the difference between post-partum depression and just the blues. Admitting to yourself that RIGHT NOW in your life, you cannot handle something that gives you stress over and over at just the thought of doing it COULD make the difference between you bonding with your baby and NOT. Bottle-fed babies are just as healthy IN THE LONG RUN as breast-fed babies. You cannot tell whether the child running around the yard was breast-fed or bottle-fed. However, it could make a huge difference for YOU, if you can buckle down and boss around the toxic people in your life and prevent them from saying one more word about it to you.

If you see this as negative and accusatory, that's your choice. I see it as you needing to take real stock here, stop just going back to your past over and over to point fingers at everyone else, and take responsibility for your part of it, including figuring out a way for it to STOP happening. NO ONE can continue to treat you like dirt if you allow it.

Show this to your therapist. My guess is that your therapist would agree with a lot that I've said, though he or she wouldn't be as blunt as I have been. I would be really surprised if your therapist doesn't wonder why you let these two women worm their way into your life as much as they do given your history, plastering you about nursing when you have the hang-ups you do about touch. And that you are letting them.

And if your therapist isn't bothered by all this mess going on, then continue to be miserable with a life full of a MIL who calls you awful names, orders you around and has no respect for you, as well as an awful mother who should have no place in your life. I stand by my original remarks, even though you only want to see them as supporting your MIL and holding you responsible for your poor relationship. Just the fact that THIS is all you see tells me that you don't want to face reality. And THAT's what your therapist has been unsuccessful in helping you with. You NEED to get to that point now that a baby is on the horizon, either WITH this therapist, or another one.

And by the way, it's against site rules to call people out by name. And you don't get to choose who writes on your threads. If you don't want to listen people's advice, you simply don't write in. OR, you ignore advice you disagree with and take the advise you like, even if it means you learn nothing.

Original post
I really think that you need to find a different counselor. You've been to counseling before about your mother, you don't like being touched, you don't know how to relate to your MIL who doesn't like you. You need the kind of counselor who can help firstly learn to take up for yourself, because you aren't doing that, and secondly, stop doing things that piss off your MIL. You and your husband both did that with the way you shocked his family the night before you eloped. I'm sure you can't see how much that might affect your relationship with the mother of your partner, but it did. Yes, she is inappropriate with boundaries and hoped her son would not be married to you anymore after you left the marriage for a period of time, and she should have kept her mouth shut to her son, but she didn't. She should not have voiced her feelings about the pregnancy. She was an idiot for doing that, even though she was disappointed that you and her son weren't breaking up, but having a baby instead.

Get another counselor and figure out what you need to do. Perhaps this relationship between the two of you cannot be fixed. If it can't, perhaps you need to stop the charade. Stop trying to make nice with her so that she can be in your child's life. Instead, demand some respect from her by not giving her so much access to you. And tell her why. Tell her when she stops talking badly about you, calling you names, pressuring you to do something SHE wants, like breastfeeding, that is none of her business, then she will have more access to you. And YES, that means the baby, too. Stop just thinking that you want the baby to have a relationship with the grandmother. And that means with your mother, too. For heaven's sake, why you have a relationship with her, I have no clue.

You need to establish BOUNDARIES. Why haven't you done that? Your counselor has surely told you to.

Breastfeeding - if you don't like to be touched, breastfeeding isn't for you. Formula feed from the start instead. STOP wanting something that is SO against your own personality. The frustration and feelings of inadequacy you have will transfer to your baby and you will have a difficult time nursing. WHO other than you will suffer? Your baby. Don't do this to your baby. There is NOTHING wrong with baby formula. A depressed mom is not in your baby's interests, or anybody else's.

Stop the discussions about breastfeeding by not being around your mother and MIL and tell them to leave their comments and "advice" out of any discussions with you. And stop being desperate about ANYTHING they want. There is NO reason for you to be desperate about nursing.

I very much hope that you will try to get help for your touching phobia. Your child deserves better. You HAVE to be able to love on your child for years to come. Hugging, kissing, accepting overatures from your child without reservation... it's INCREDIBLY important to be able to hold your child with love and compassion. Your baby will feel it if you don't like having your baby against your skin. You have to show that baby love and you have to bond with it. You do NOT have to breastfeed.

Get real here and stop trying the "dream" of nursing. Get real and get help with the touch problem. I'm glad you could stand to be touched by your husband enough to get pregnant. Now do the right thing by your baby and get help with a different counselor. The one you had before has not helped you enough.

I wish you much luck.

Keep your relatives away till you have breastfeeding established.
They had their babies - they did as they pleased - now it's your turn - and they can suck lemons if they don't like it.
My Mom came when our son was 2 months old - it was perfect!
There's no harm in trying to beast feed - we're mammals - and feeding milk to our young is what we do - it's the defining characteristic of BEING a mammal.
Work with a lactation consultant - she'll get you started off on the right track.

If worse comes to worse - there's formula - your baby won't starve.
My milk dried up after 5 months (went back to work after 3 months and I just couldn't keep it up no matter how much I fed and pumped) - so we switched to formula - and we were perfectly fine!

When I was pregnant, I thought I would try breast feeding and just see how it went. Then I picked up a book that was on an end cap in a bookstore and it said that in most countries in the world bottle feeding was not even an option. If a mother didn't breast feed her child, her child would die. Then I thought that there was a time when bottles didn't exist..mothers didn't have a choice. I then decided I was not going to even buy a bottle. I would make it work. I must say BF was toe curling pain for the first week or two but it got better and I ended up loving it. I nursed my oldest until she was 2 1/2 yo and my youngest until she was 3 yo. I must say if I hadn't successfully nursed my oldest I would have had serious doubts if I could nurse my youngest. It some times took me an hour to get her to latch on only to fall back a sleep minutes later. Eventually, though we got the hang of it. 😊

Arg! I wrote an answer and it deleted when I hit "post". Frustrating!
I was going to say, protect yourself from you mother and MIL. They sound like they are still getting to you. This is all your choice. Remember they have no part in what you do with your baby. They can't hurt you with their words. In one ear/out other. Your mom was messed up, you don't have to be. You can be a strong mom/woman - strong women say "Thanks, but if I want your thoughts I'll ask" or as I do, just walk away. But most importantly, don't let it affect you. You seem so stressed. If you have to take a mental break from them, do so. Don't talk to them for a while. It's not rude if that's what you have to do. Just keep it short, light and don't engage in these kinds of conversations.
As for it being odd to breastfeed it is a weird concept - I agree. But it's similar to carrying a baby around inside you. It's really natural when it does happy. Try it if you want, but know that if it's not for you, it's not. My friends and I all chose what worked for us and our babies. It's your choice. Don't analyze everything either - it gets you thinking about this to much. We all had our reasons for breastfed or formula. It's what you want to do. Don't overthink. Trust your gut momma - you don't need to be affected by these mother type figures. Good luck :)

I understand a lot of what you say because I also grew up with a narcissistic mother. But try not to overanalyze or think about it too much. Just live in the moment and breastfeed your baby. Have a lactation consultant on hand from day one and take her helpful advice. My lac. consultant would come to my house for appointments and passed on tons of breast feeding knowledge which I needed desperately! Just try your best and try to relax and enjoy your baby. If breast feeding does not work out don't beat yourself up about it...don't feel guilty. You did your best! Babyhood and breastfeeding are just a short little snapshot in your child's life and if breastfeeding does not work out and you have to use formula it is ok! You are going to be a great mom!

What a great and honest post. I think you will do better than you think. Please take a breastfeeding class now and be very patient. Use the LC at the hospital and then go to one a few times after you go home. Make sure baby has no tongue or lip tie which can cause pain. Hopefully husband will be supportive and helpful for the first week or 2. Some people love visitors but I wanted my privacy especially bc you will have boobs out much of the first 8 weeks. Hopefully visitors will bring a meal haha and stay about an hour. You will be tired! Have an open mind that this could be a great experience. Don't exclusively pump unless you need to, did it and quit at 3 months. EBF is great but also if it makes you miserable after you really try (3 weeks or so) then there is nothing wrong w formula. Happy mama, happy baby. Best of luck.

My mother is somewhat similar, but she did not want me to breastfeed. Her idea was that BF-ing leads to me loving the child too much and this is not necessary. She also wanted me to get a c-section to "avoid the pain and dangerous of pushing"... Fortunately I read good books (ex: The baby book by Dr. Sears). I also really liked the book of La Leche league "Womanly art of breastfeeding" and a BFing class. It helped me to get confident that I know how to work through the issues. It also helped me a lot during pregnancy to go to several La Leche meetings and see other woman BFing and talking about their issues. I went to prenatal & postnatal yoga class and saw other woman BFing. I think it made a very big difference to see so many mamas nursing their babies on public. It looked very natural and normal. It was like wow, they did figure it out, so I will too. Like you, I was not comfortable with the touching part and possibly having someone seeing me BFing. I bought a nursing cover, but I ended up never using it for BFing, only when I was pumping.

When my first was born, all the doubts I had before went away. In the beginning it was not easy, but we stick to it and worked it out. I was really surprized that I also found it natural and normal. BFing was a blessing for unexpectedly long outings, long plane rides, getting stuck in an airport, during baby sicknesses, during my sicknesses, helping with boo-boos, preventing meltdowns, and just having 10 quiet minutes during my second pregnancy. During the first pregnancy I thought I will breastfeed for 6 months max, I ended up BF my first for 43 months, out of which 15 were tandem BFing (the second child is still nursing). I still cannot believe the transformation that happened to me during this process - the hormones made it possible. I am sure that everyone's path is very unique. Hopefully that once you have the baby, the hormones will kick-in and will help you to sail smoothly.

Touching during BFing: there is a difference between a newborn hand gently laying on the breast to get some comfort and a 6 m.o. hand tugging and pinching of the boredom. This was driving me nuts, after searching online for solutions, I bought a nursing necklace and it helped the first baby to get his hands occupied once and for all. The second baby did not care for a necklace, but loved a small security blanket.

I do not have an advice, but I thought that may be my story will give you some ideas. Good luck with whatever you choose. And reserve the right to change your mind when the baby is born and change again and again as you are learning better and falling in love with each other.

I believe that being successful with breastfeeding depends a lot (though not entirely) on your attitude toward it. It is SO hard in the beginning that if you're having doubts about it, it is easy to just quit. However, it does get so much easier after the first several weeks. By three months, it's a breeze, as long as you have a good supply. So if it's something you truly want to give a legitimate try, don't give up too soon. I promise, it will get better and easier the longer you do it.

All that said, you should also tell yourself from the beginning that it's ok if it doesn't work out. I know so many moms that get stressed out and really upset when they think "I have to breastfeed" and then it doesn't work, due to supply issues, problems with latching, etc - then they end up feeling horribly if they fail. So telling yourself from the beginning that it's great to try, but it's ok to switch to formula is ok, too. Don't think of it as failure. Ditto for pumping instead of nursing.

I think you'll get over the heebie jeebies of it once you've done it for a couple of days. It's a nice way to cuddle with your baby and you'll probably like the feeling that you are able to use your body to comfort him.

Please don't let your relationship with your mother or your mother in law even be part of your decision. Choosing not to nurse just to spite them is a decision you cannot reverse, and one that you might regret. I get that you have longtime issues with them and understand why you might feel the way you do. However, use this as your first opportunity to be a different kind of mother. Make choices based on what is best for your baby, while still making you happy.

Whatever you decide to do, do not tell yourself that you failed in any way. These are hard decisions and your baby will be fine whether you nurse, pump, formula feed, or do a combination of any. Your baby will be a much happier, calmer baby if YOU are happy. Finally, if you decide to nurse, try to find a breastfeeding or new moms support group in your area. It can be a huge help and a great way to meet some other new moms.