Bedtime Issues with My 4-Year-old Daughter

Hi T.!

I am so sorry that you are having this issue. It cannot be good for you marriage, not to mention your sanity. My 3 year old daughter still will not go to bed by herself, and that drives me CRAZY.

Unfortunetly for you, you don't have the support that you need from her father. That's the most important thing. He has to be there for you. I agree that is probably causing the problem at school, but not because she is co-dependent, more because she's used to getting her way.

Is there any way that he will go to her bed with her for awhile, and then slowly leave her in her room when she falls asleep? If he's willing to do that, then there is still hope.

Good luck, hope my little suggestion is helpful.

First of all, you and your husband should be on the same page with this. your daughter is never going to sleep on her own bed if he keeps up with this. Talk about it and see what happens but keep up at it. Don't give up she is your daughter too.

T.-

It sounds like you are having more than just bedtime issues with your little girl. It sounds like the real problem is in your marriage. Does your husband really want your daughter turning 5, 10, 15... and still wanting to sleep next to daddy? Also, he needs to realize that while co-sleeping is okay for small children, experts agree that the habit needs to be kicked by age 3. My best advice for you is to treat this problem at its root, your husband's inablility to see that he's being manipulated by a four year old girl. And if it's true that he's threatening to leave over this issue, then it may be best to get some marriage councelling. It may be that there are other, deeper issues than just the co-sleeping thing. You need to do what is best for your marriage and your daughter. I know it's tough to ask for help, but try not to be afraid of your husband's reaction and go get some councelling. Do it for your own peace of mind, if nothing else. Best of luck to you, and God Bless.

-B.-

It sounds to me like your husband is using your little girl to put distance between you and him. I really believe the co-sleeping is the secondary issue - your marriage is the first. I highly suggest marriage counseling - it will help the both of you, as well as get you both on the same track as a parental unit.

Hey T.,
Oi, this issue has been a huge problem for me. I'm a mother of a 17 month old girl w/ my fiance who has a now 5 year old son from a previous marriage. He allowed co-sleeping w/ his son up to this point, b/c I didn't like the idea. So with a lot of explaining to my fiance that it's better for his son to learn to sleep on his own...using sex too as a motivator...no sex if his son sleeps in the bed. Also explaining that we didn't have much "alone" time (my fiance and I) and bedtime was pretty much the only time we had for talking about our day, etc. Just let him know how important it is to you, it'll bring you two closer, etc.
It's still a bit of a prob. although my fiance won't let him sleep in the bed, sometimes he'll come in the room in the middle of the night and sleep on the floor.
But you guys need to get on the same page if your daughter is going to learn to sleep on her own. Work w/ him. If it starts to get ugly just let it go, don't let ur daughter see you guys fight about it...it'll only get worse.
I agree w/ Kristy too, remind him that if you guys don't tackle this now, she's liable to be sleeping w/ u into her tweens. I did that too, and it helped put it in perspective.
Hope this helps!

I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation. It really sounds like you need to get your husband on the same page before you tackle your daughter. There's no way to deal with the cosleeping issue effectively unless you are both working together. My sister co-slept with my parents for a long time, and it got to the point where she was a pre-teen sleeping next to their bed every night. Maybe mention that to him... Would he want to deal with something like that?!

Dear T. H. ,

Run, do not walk, to a counselor that can give you advice about solving this problem. It will take a while, and it will take a lot of inner strength, but you need to get ahead of this problem and do it in a proper way.

Just be your own support and be firm about finding outhow to do this transition. Read books, watch 'The Nanny". Don't talk to Darling Daddy about it. You can do it yourself. Don't be angry at Darling Daddy either. Just solve the problem yourself, boy ! will you ever be proud ! Good luck and persistence, Sincerely, C. N.

I am an advocate of co-sleeping, but agree that everyone must be comfortable with the situation for it to work. In my family, I sleep with my son (who's just turning one) and my husband manages my almost-four-year-olds night time routine, including getting her dressed for bed, making her a warm glass of milk, laying down with her until she falls asleep, and going to her in the night. She has a full-size bed, so she and her dad can lay in it together comfortably. Perhaps, if your husband is so determined to co-sleep, he can sleep with her in her bed?

I agree with the others on the advice about talkingy to your husband and getting him on the same page. Just let him know that just because your daughter is sleeping in her own bed doesn't mean that he is a bad father. Your daughter has learned to manipulate him and it has to stop before he gives into other things as well.
As for how to get her to sleep in her own bed at night, I have two suggestions. The first one I saw on Supernanny, one parent sits in her bedroom on the floor and keeps their head down. When the child gets out of bed that parent gets up and calmly puts the child back into her bed. they do not make eye contact, instead look at the tummy or the bridge of the nose. Eventually with consistancy she will learn that her bed is where she is supposed to be and that there is nothing she can do to change that.
the second suggestion I saw on Nanny911,(I am preparing because my daughter is going to be switched to a toddler bed soon), Since your daughter is so attached to her daddy, have him create a bed time routine where he reads to her or something but when it is time for bed he sits outside her room and no matter how much screaming and tantrum throwing is involved don't give him. This may be particularily h*** o* your husband so if this is the route you go on make sure to support him and let him know he is doing a great job and to hang in there.
I don't think I like the second method just because there is a lot of screaming involved on the childs part and it is torture to the parents to listen to that. I am getting ready to try the first technique.
I think it is important to any parental relationship to have consistency and to support each other in every decision. I think it will save your relationship if you both sit down and talk about why you each want your daugther to sleep where. Personally i agree with you but try to remain open to hearing why is feels the way he does. Good Luck.

T., I don't think you can deal with your daughter sleeping in her own bed until you and your husband are in agreement. As you said this is affecting your marriage also. I recommend that you tend to the marriage first. If I were you I would go to counseling. If your husband won't go with you, you go. Even alone you can learn skills that will help you deal with your husband.

Does your husband back you in other issues? If not, I think that you will have difficulties with boundaries and discipline throughout your daughter's life if you don't find a way for you and your husband to willingly agree on this issue.

I suspect that the co-sleeping is a relationship issue, not just a family issue, for your husband. Teasing his brother about co-sleeping (I think you mean that his brother did co-sleep) and then wanting to co-sleep when you don't doesn't make sense. It sounds immature. Or perhaps he's working out some issue of his own that involves excluding you. By teasing he was also excluding his brother. It seems the result is that he and your daughter are together and you're the odd man out. I certainly would not move out of the bed.

For a short term solution you could set up a sleeping area (a mat on the floor) for your daughter in your bedroom. That is one step removed. And then quietly move the mat closer and closer to the door and on into her room. But I suspect your husband will catch on and the battle will be on again or it won't ever stop.

It is imperative that the two of you agree on this issue. You are right that your daughter senses the tension between you and it is affecting her total life and will have a negative result even when she is grown. Especially since it involves the parents' bed. Although she is consciously unaware of sex now, that situation will have sexual overtones for her when she is
older.

This may be more information than you want or even need. But I think it may help your husband understand why it's so important to get your daughter used to being in her own bed. This is a Freudian theory and many other psychological theories do not ascribe to the oedipal stage of child development. It occurs between the ages of 3 and 5, and is when the child is attracted most to the parent of the opposite sex and may be angry with the parent of the same sex. There can be competition between the mother and child for the father's attention. The child will feel most secure when the father doesn't play into this behavior. This changes around the age of 6 when the child once more represses their sexual feelings. I studied this years ago and didn't do much research right now but I have seen little girls flirting with their father and believe, as do the experts, that this is good as long as the father puts out definate boundaries.

Fights, disagreements all negatively affect the children but I think that this one is worse. If you cannot reach an agreement then I'd let her sleep with the two of you for now. Your daughter needs this sense of security.

And start some counseling! I think that the real issue is issues in your marriage.

I know this is an especially difficult issue and time for you. I wish you the best as you work it out.

Unfortunately I think that a Family Therapist may be in order. Your Husband needs to understand that kids are smart and they realize quickly that they can play one parent against another.
Maybe you guys can come to a comprimise? (that's what my hubby and I did) Our 2 boys have a bedtime "Routine" that is strictly followed. They know that they must go to bed at the beginning of the night in their bed. If they wake up in the early morning hours (3-5am) then they may come into our bed.
It will be tough to start a routine now that your daughter is already 4 but if you are consistent it will happen. One of the keys to this working is that children need early bedtimes and they can't very well go to bed with you when it isn't time for adults to go to bed yet.
The only time I make exceptions to the bedtime rules is if one of them is very sick. Then they still have to go to bed in their own bed until Mommy is ready for bed and then they can come to bed with me.
My kids routine goes like this:
1. Bath after dinner
2. Vitamins
3. Brush Teeth
4. Read a book (I let them pick it)
5. Drink of water
6. Into bed (let Dad make a big deal of carrying a sack of potatoes or having a piggy back ride to bed)
7. Once in bed I sing a song, ask what they are going to dream about and kiss them good night.

My sister in law had a great idea. Put an air mattress on the floor by either your side of the bed or your husbands for your daughter to sleep on. Then every night move it slightly farther away. My sister in law told her son every night that even though they weren't in the room that they were still there. Eventually he made it into his bed again. Hope this helps you.

I have a four year old daughter and a six year old daughter, and both of them had to get 'kicked' out of bed. When you've got dad on board, I recommend checking out library books on tape/CD and trying to get her WAY into them. When my four year old learned to 'push play', I'd do the bedtime routine, tuck her in, but leave a reading light on so she could 'read' until she fell asleep.
My husband and I get to attend a monthly parenting class through our preschool, and the councelor advises that kids are A) Thoroughly tired at bedtime due to having had good physical activity, B) Able to make the choice when to fall asleep, but not when Mom and Dad send them to bed and C) In control of as much of the routine as possible (lots of choices ... Dora toothpaste tonight or crest? pink jammies or blue?). I had to SERIOUSLY let go of my own control issues to do this, but my girls adjusted VERY quickly. My four year old was the worst, and I put her back in bed over and over and over, but when she learned how to 'self soothe' and felt like a big kid because she could 'read' as long as she wanted, she stayed quiet in her room from the get-go and fell asleep by eight o' clock within a week.

Good luck!

IF YOUR HUSBAND IS USING THREATS OF LEAVING TELL HIM TO BE ON HIS WAY. LET HIM KNOW IF HE DOES DO THIS HE IS HURTING ONLY HIS KIDS. YOU NEED TO BE THE STRONG ONE AND PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN WITH YOUR GIRL. I HAD WENT THRU THE SAME THING WITH MY OLDEST. IN THIS CASE IT WAS MY FAULT. I WENT OUT WITH MY DAUGHTER AND TOLD HER SHE NEEDED TO BE A BIG GIRL LIKE HER FRIENDS AT SCHOOL. WE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT HER NEW BIG GIRL BEDSHEETS AND NITE LITE. SHE WAS HAPPY TILL IT WAS TIME FOR BED. I PLACED HER IN HER BED AND SHE CRIED. IT WAS HARD BUT I LET HER CRY SOON SHE STOPPED AND FEEL ASLEEP. JUST LIKE THE SUPPER NANNY SHOW IF THE CHILD GETS OUT OF BED DONT TALK TO HER AND CONTINUE PLACING HER BACK IN HER BED. THIS REALLY REALLY WORKS. JUST BE PATIENT AND DONT CAVE IN. TELL YOUR MAN TO OWN UP AND ACT LIKE A MAN. BELEIVE IT OR NOT WE ALL GO THRU THE SAME DRAMA WITH OUR MAN. THEY NEED US MORE THAN WE NEED THEM. THATS WHATS SCARES THEM. BE STRONG!!!!!!!!

The way I broke my son from having to sleep in bed with us was, I let him pick out his sheets and decor. then he wanted to be in his bed cuz it was fun to him.he is 3