Wow where to start? So many questions. To start my dd has never been a good sleeper in fact I have posted questions on it before. Somewhere around 9 months we found a sleeping arrangement that worked OK. She would go to bed (in own crib) for a few hrs, then would sleep with us rest of night. A few hrs grew to about 4 or so & when she did sleep with us it was good (most of the time.) The past few weeks (maybe more) she wakes up after 1/2 an hr, I rock her back to sleep, then another 1/2 to hr, she is back up, then when rocked wakes the minute I get out of chair. After several attempts and her actually asking to leave room and sleep in OUR bed that is what happens. She will be 2 in 2 weeks.
First question: Is this considered co-sleeping?
Second question: Co-sleepers how and where do you find time to be intimate with your spouse?
Third: How do I transition her back to her own bed?
Yes, an issue is the rocking and when she lays in our bed or other (such as vacation) she'll go right to sleep as long as I am laying beside her. AND the minute she is in our bed at night literally right to sleep. On occasion I am able to get her to lay in her crib long enough to fall asleep without the rocking. Another issue is she has on one occasion gotten out of her crib. We lowered to the lowest level and she has not tried since, but always on the back of my mind ya know? So afraid to do any cry it out which we arent a fan of anyways. Next, she also loves sleeping on my pillow. It is old and flat & I did try putting that in her crib but it didnt work. She simply wants to sleep with us all night.
The biggest issue we are having is this is the ONLY time we have together without distraction. Whether it is talking, watching tv, sex, whatever. The past co-sleeping has worked out ok (not ideal) since we had our lights off when she woke up, I would just go get her.
How do all you other co-sleepers work this out? When do you find time for each other? At what age do you get them back into their own bed? Crib or other.
Thanks again SO much for your advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe you could think about getting a twin bed for her bedroom instead of a crib. I used to do this for my children, and I would lay by them until they fell asleep. Sometimes I would put a pillow in place of me when I left so they wouldn't know I left. It seemed to work ok.
Hey!!!!!!!!! Oooh Im so excited that you are asking. I think co-sleeping is one of the best things that can be done for your babes!! So first- it is considered co-sleeping, except I guess that one of the main benefits of co-sleeping is that the child knows that is where they are going to sleep from the beginning of the night. Mainly, this is important because one of the main benefits of it is the child has complete confidence that their needs will be met by you not just from morning to bedtime, but 24 hours a day, and they know you are right there if you need them. Studies have proven that this leads to them being more independent and confident later in life!! (Because they feel that they can venture out a bit more if they know you are there whenever they need you).
Second- intimacy. HUGE!! If Dad resents this arrangement, or if you do, it will not be beneficial for anyone. This was a huge issue with my 1st son, but we figured it out with him, and now with our 2nd we are fine. I don't know if you have room mates or other kids, but we discovered that the best thing to do was to lay him down, then after he was asleep we could have some time downstairs on the couch. Or, if he took a late nap we could sometimes move him to the couch to have our bed for a little while! Sometimes we would have grandparents watch them for a while so we could have some time as well. There are a lot of ways to get around it if you really try, you've just gotta get creative. Also, every once in awhile we would put him in the cradle after he fell asleep just for an hour or so, and then move him back!!
Last, how to make the transition... here is where I veer off of all the common opinions, I think. I figured he would move out when he was ready. When he was three, he asked for a Spiderman Bedroom. I made him one, and that very night he slept in there and has ever since. If you are wanting to make it a little less of a duration, there are a lot of good articles on how to do that if you google co-sleeping. I'm sure other moms will also have some advice for you on that. (Just an FYI- my cousin co-slept with my aunt and uncle, and they decided to let her do it until she was ready- she asked for her own room when she was almost FIVE!!! She slept there that night and every night since! Just letting you know, though- if you decide to give them until they are ready... it might be a long arrangement!!!)
Feel free to message me if you have any other questions about it or anything, as you can probably tell, I am a HUGE advocate of it!!
It does sound like your daughter has some special need right now since she is waking up so much (teething, sick?). She will probably return to sleeping longer within a few weeks.
I do co-sleep exclusively with my 16-mo daughter. I can't answer the question about transitioning her into a bed. With us, I think it will probably happen about the time another baby is born, and I don't have any specific plan yet. Since my daughter will be quite verbal by then, I'll probably have to talk a lot about how she needs to give up the bed so the baby can sleep in it. About your question on uninterrupted time with your husband, we go on regular dates. We switch off babysitting with some friends so it's free. We end up going every other week. As for sex, just be open to new places. Even in the bed is fine; you can react quickly if they start stirring.
So I hope this doesn't across wrong or anything because I know you are actually asking advice from co-sleepers and I am the exact opposite. I am not a fan of co sleeping. I would suggest to you to get your daughter in her own bed as soon as possible and when you have another child I would suggest never getting into the habit of co-sleeping. I don't want this to seem like I am saying you did it all wrong because you know your child better than anyone and you have to make the decision but I know many of my friends who co slept with their child and the child had sleeping problems (often that did not surface until later on because your daughter probably knows now that she "Wants" to sleep with you and she is letting you know). I know it may be hard at first but put her in her crib. If she wakes up in the middle of the night and does not settle down after a couple of minutes, go and calm her but explain to her that she needs to sleep in her own bed. It may be rought and she will probably scream for a bit but it is important for her to learn to fall asleep on her own and to self soothe. I also think it is important in your relationship with your husband to have that time to ourselves. My doctor told me that babies should learn how to fall asleep on their own and to sleep in their own beds when they are very young and we took his advice. Our daughter has never slept in the same bed as us and she is a great sleeper. (This could be due to other factors as well) But she definetely knows how to put herself back to sleep. Once in awhile we do hear her kind of wake up at night but she puts herself back to sleep almost always. Hope this helps and hope it does not come across too pushy! I do not like to push my ideas onto others but I really do believe firmly in this and I think if you follow it your life will be easier. Good luck!
We aren't co-sleepers in this family we are what I call "survival sleepers". If our children woke up in the middle of the night and wanted to come into our bed then they did (I'm not going to fight a screaming child who wants comfort at 3 a.m.). When they were babies it was much easier to nurse them lying in my bed, so we would fall asleep in our bed half-way thru the night.
At around age two my son got to where he wouldn't sleep in his crib. For some reason I moved him to a real bed and ever since we haven't had any issues other than the occasional bad dream visit. Also, at about age 3 they could come into our room but they had to sleep on the floor.
Our daughter has rarely slept in our bed. She likes her space and so do we because she is awful to sleep with.
Good for you for being such a sensitive, responsive mother! You and your daughter will reap the relationship benefits of your intuitive mothering style forever.
Yep, sounds like you're co-sleeping to me, and your arrangement sounds similar to ours.
It's been helpful for me and mt husband to remember that every room in the house is a potential love chamber. ;) We've really enjoyed our large closet, the living room, the guest bedroom, etc., etc. when there's a child snoring on our bed. I've heard some strong opinions about the impropriety of allowing children to intrude on "the marriage bed," and all I can say is, people who need their own bed that badly must not be very creative lovers. We joke-- "Did you want to try to move this baby and risk not having sex at all tonight, or did you really want to have sex tonight?" The answer is almost always the latter so we figure it out.
My first child (I have three) transitioned to a twin bed when he was two and a half. He'd start the night in his bed and then come crawl into our bed around 4 a.m. This didn't really bother us. He started staying in his own bed all night when he was about three and a half. He's now a great sleeper and is typically so tired by 8 p.m. he will start to put himself to bed by 8:30 if I am slow to help him!
My second child is now three and a half and starts out in his own toddler bed and comes in for a visit early in the morning just like his brother did. Much of the time, we can appease him by offering him a pillow and extra blanket on the floor next to us. I think gentle transitions to sleep and the sleep-on-the-floor options are key ingredients to weaning away from co-sleeping.
My youngest is 9 months old and he is usually in our Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper or next to me in bed, nursing. I think I'm a lot less sleep-deprived than many moms because I don't have to actually get up at night to tend to his needs. He barely squeaks and I can help him right away before either of us are awake and/or mad.If you plan to have more children, consider looking into an Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper that attaches to your bed. It's been a sanity-saver with all three of my babies. I gave away our crib, but I know some people who drop one side of the crib and use it as a "side car" against their bed.
At age two, you could consider using your crib mattress with a toddler bed or getting a twin mattress on the floor or a twin bed with a guard rail. It depends if you are worried about safety regarding your child falling out of the crib while climbing and getting hurt, or if you want to make sure you can insist your child stays there. I like twin-size and larger beds because there is room for me to lay down and read and snuggle my kids to sleep.
I have also gotten a lot of mileage from books on CD. You can usually find good ones at the library. It's like an extra story even after the lights are out. I set it on "repeat" and it helps lull my kids to sleep in their own beds. I also do the pillow thing another mom suggested, just to maintain warmth and gentle pressure when I peel myself away.
You often hear people talk about the importance of teaching "self-soothing" and giving the "gift" of "teaching" your child to go to sleep alone . . . I guess that works for some families. But, I cannot help but wonder if there's a correlation in the number of sleep and anxiety disorders in adults and parents insisting on disconnecting at night, even when their children give every indication of needing to be attached. Healthy children can outgrow needs that are properly met. If the needs are not met, they fester and must be met in other, perhaps less healthy, ways. I think you're giving your child the best gift, as a sensitive, responsive parent. Best wishes.
we don't co sleep every night...but my daughter has struggled with her daddy deploying and often ends up in bed with me when he is gone and we go through transitions when he gets home. one thing that works great for us is on a night when she wants to be close to us, we put her mattress on the floor in our bedroom and she falls asleep holding my hand. we can still have quiet sex if she's asleep on the floor. :) although the first couple of times it was really awkward...lol. I think about families all over the world though that all of them are in the same room and they still manage to make babies without traumatizing their kids.
We also have a very consistent bedtime routine, I made up a flip picture book of my dd doing her bedtime routine
set the alarm for 15 min. for wind down play time. when the timer goes off we clean up (picture of her picking up her toys) then get jammies on (picture of her jammies) and then brush teeth (picture of her toothpaste and tooth brush) then we do boowah and kwala songs from uptoten.com (picture of boowah and kwala) then we read stories (picture of books on the story chair) then daddy or I sing lullabies to her and tuck her in for the night (picture of me singing to her) and then she goes to sleep (picture of her pretending to sleep) it has worked well because we were finding one of the reasons she didn't want to go to bed is she wanted more time with us. So having specific plans of how she would be spending her get ready for bed time with mommy and daddy has really helped with that a lot. and if it still isn't enough by time we are getting ready for bed we know and listen to how we are feeling about it, I can tell when she really needs to be closer to us and when she's just testing boundaries but as long as she is willing to lay down and go to sleep we let her sleep on our floor. more and more she is just wanting to sleep in her own bed though. I'd suggest getting your child into a big kid bed--he's old enough--and that would eleviate your fear of her getting out of the crib. We put our dd's mattress from her crib on the floor for several months until we felt she was ready for a bed. of course she was out of her crib at 9 months because of her monkey antics...it was just no longer safe.
my dd wakes up early in the am after dh has gone to work and comes to my bed and crawls in and snuggles for another 20 min to an hour depending on the morning and our time schedule. it's nice I really enjoy it.
my dh can't sleep if dd is in the bed with us (he says but sometimes she comes up into the bed after he is asleep and he can't tell the difference lol) so having her sleep in our room where I can reach down and touch her arm and hold her hand when she needs that contact has worked really well for us.
we had a co-sleeper when she was an infant and I loved it, kind of the same concept that she was level to the bed but had her own sleeping place but right there where we could reach her.
I think knowing what is right for you and your child is really an individual thing--I know for us that we will co sleep as long as she needs to whenever daddy deploys even if that means she's 12 and comes to sleep with me some nights. (please let him be retired by then!! sheesh I just realized how much longer that would be lol)
I am just saying I listen for what my daughter needs and meet those needs the best I can. I know you can do that too...it's built in to that crazy mommy radar we have. you may not have changed a diaper etc. before but seriously once you are a mom it's just there if you are willing to listen to it (which I can tell you do) you'll find your answers and don't worry about what anyone else says or thinks about it, if it works for your family that is really what is important isn't it?
My oldest daughter didn't like sleeping in her own bed, either. I never really thought about doing co-sleeping, it just happened as a sanity saver. One thing we started doing when she was around 2 was we made up a little bed on the floor for her at the foot of our bed. It was just a little foam pad with some blankets and a pillow on it. She didn't like it at first, but she eventually got to the point where she would just come into our room and lay down there to sleep the rest of the night. She never slept very well in her own room until her younger sister came along. I guess she just didn't like being alone.
