Awkward Neighbor Situation - Zanesville,OH

It sound like he may have Down's Syndrom. People with Down's never have an enemy, everybody is their friend. If someone laughs at them or makes fun of them they laugh right along, because they can't conceive of anyone NOT liking them. And yes they often do not understand boundries.

You don't say how old this man is but most people with Down's die young, many have a congential heart poblem. Believe me someday you will miss his happy disposition and hugs. Just accept him as he is.

He sounds like such a gentle soul. He must feel so happy to have friends. I think with people with disabilities keeping personal space is sometimes difficult. I don't consider this a "problem" as you did say it happens "occasionally". I mean if he was hugging, squeezing and kissing all the time then it would be a problem. This is not the case here, so just deal with it and be glad you are making someone's life better.

In this *particular* situation, I would grin and bear it. I'm also not a touchy, huggy type, I REALLY like my space. My 15 yr old son (who is on the autism spectrum) totally IS a touchy/huggy type. He's constantly giving me hugs, stroking my head or cheek, etc. I love my kid, but I also mentally cringe sometimes with the sheer exuberance, amount and "closeness" of those hugs. But I hug him back every time.

Your neighbor sounds like he *really* appreciates you, and this is his way of showing it. You're uncomfortable with it (as I would be), but in this case, perhaps you could see it as a "gift", his gift of honest, true appreciation, and accept those hugs as best you can.

Grin & bear it.

I do not see how saying anything would NOT cause un-needed drama. If you do not feel threatened, as you say...you would probably just make everyone else uncomfortable by speaking up. I know that it is not fair to you but that is the best case scenario, IMO.

~Maybe when you see him coming and you know you might get a hug you could be preventive and hold out your hand for a hand shake instead??

I totally get what you are saying...I hate to have my personal space invaded and I am made *thoroughly* uncomfortable by hugs, even by family members!

You're already aware he has some form of mental issue? And you and your husband know that this family can use some support from time to time like gift cards?

Truly, it sounds like he is an exuberant person who doesn't "get" personal space. How wonderful, really. He is not inhibited about demonstrating his gratitude -- and his gratitude toward you and your husband is very great. Please don't crush him by letting him know you don't want his hugs. He's not seeking you out to hug you daily (if that were the case, yes, you'd have to say something); and your gut is fine with it.

If he isn't good with boundaries, being told that you have issues with his hugs might prove very distressing for him; possibly he's been working on boundaries his whole life and thinks he is doing OK. He sounds as if he might be very, very wounded if the people he sees as so thoughtful tell him they don't accept his form of gratitude, which comes to him so naturally and without the brakes that we learn from society. If something is said to him, he might feel very guilty and become overly apologetic, or might stop accepting the occasional help you give and that is certainly not your idea, I know.

Let it go, especially if you know that he is harmless. I would not say anything nor would I have my husband say anything. As you note, "Other than this, he and his family are wonderful neighbors." Why risk that over an occasional uncomfortable hug?

YOU and your husband feel wonderful to give him these gifts. HE feels wonderful thanking you for them.

When you really think about it, it's not that hard to make him happy. Letting him thank you is yet another gift you give him.

I vote for grin and bear it.

a hug and a kiss on the cheek never hurt anyone, I would just accept it as part of who he is. Really it is sad that we have changed so much as a society that a hug now makes us feel uncomfortable.

I wouldn't like it either but in this situation I would grin and bear it. Figure it's a moment or two of something you don't like vs saying something could really impact him negatively for who knows how long.

If you truly do not feel threatened I would just be polite and deal.

M

Let your husband speak with your neighbor....this is one of those man to man things that you should NOT have to deal with. If you were single, it's a different situation, then if it were ME (can't speak for anyone else), I would just offer my hand when he wants to give a gesture of gratitude...and gracefully back away. If he said anything, I would just say, I'm not a huger or kisser, but I really appreciate your friendship and being a good neighbor.

Maybe your husband should lay off the gifts for awhile...
I would be uncomfortable too with such physicality from a neighbor even if he was knowingly a little socially extroverted. But that's just it. Where are his boundaries and why is it up to you, when your husband is not home, to figure out or worry about his coming over? That would make me crazy!
Yet at the same time ignoring or changing the pattern of this is definitely tricky. I would extend a hand when you see him coming. Shake his hand firmly and look him in the eye and walk away. Dint give him time to pick you up and twirl you. A little confident posturing is what is needed on your behalf. Don't let anyone take charge like this of your personal space. If he comes to the door put the phone to your ear as you answer the door and tell him he's welcome or whatever but that you're on the phone with your husband!

I wouldn't say a word to him. Let him show his appreciation and happiness. Joy should be contagious, not uncomfortable, right?

Oh he sounds like a sweetheart with a big big heart!! He's also portraying sensitivity too. You could approach him, the next time he does this, by saying, "I really appreciate 'your' kindness to me, but we can't hug or kiss because when people are married or have boyfriends or girlfriends, it will hurt their feelings"......and then you can add, "we can shake hands though and we can be great friends that way".
Approach it with calmness in your voice, and love in your heart and he will understand, and if he keeps doing it, he may need to be reminded since he has some special needs in that area of understanding boundaries. :-)

I would NEVER grin and bear this. If I am uncomfortable physically, it's not my duty to remain so, for the sake of another person. (Children, are a different story. I am talking adults here.) Since he seems to have such respect for your husband, I think it would be kind of your husband to speak with him. I like Geri's suggestion below, in how to approach him.

I think what people need to keep in mind, is this is not a child. This is an adult. He is grown up enough to function in the world, and have a family. I find it sad that (possibly) no one has ever given this man respect enough, to teach him what boundaries are. We teach our children, we should teach adults that need to be. There is always a kind way to teach. This man could hug the wrong person, in the perceived wrong way, and not have such great results. Please, do him a favor and speak with him.

I too vote for the grin and bear hug it! We need more people like him in our world! If you do not feel a threat than allow him to show his love......

Just continue to not answer the door when the husband is not home as suggested but if he catches you outside than let him show his appreciation and dont make him feel as if he is wrong for doing so.

If he comes by, immediately stick out your hand and back away a little so he can see the hand and shake your hand. Then just tell him---I know you are such a lovely person, I just don't feel comfortable with hugs or kisses. I would love to shake your hand though! Then see what he says.

This is yet another gift you are giving to him by letting him show his appreciation. You are right, don't hurt his feelings. I vote for grin and bear it:)

Maybe your H could say you have a problem. Your problem make you dislike hugging and could he remember to just shake your hand so you feel comfortable?

I would probably just grin and bear it. I will admit that the kiss would probably be too uncomfortable but I sure would like the hug.
Maybe you could teach him a high five or something else thats special between the two of you that doesn't involve the hug and kiss.

I've said more than once... I have a bad cold (sniff sniff) or a touch of the flu....

I had the mental picture of your neighbor stopping in the middle of the street to give you a card and a big hug and kiss. I had to laugh. Anyway, it depends on the type of mental condition that he has as to whether he will understand personal space or not.

I have a cousin with Downs and she is very loving. If there is a big group or gathering she will hug everyone. I'm from a family of huggers so I would grin and bear it.

You can also look at it another way. You could have horrible rude neighbors with disrespectful kids. Good luck!!

Be careful with this. He is probably harmelss but don't let him come in when your husband is not home and definitly don't let him around your kids alone. There was a man in my neighborhood when we were kids. The parents thought he was harmless. Later it came out he molested a bunch of the little girls in the neighborhood in the backyard during "family" swimming partys. so just be careful.