Attachment Parenting Vs. Parent Directed....opinions?

A seasoned mom and gma told me before I had kids not to read books,but to go with my instincts. That has proved useful. But I had some real holes in my upbringing so I knew my instincts (falling back on what my parents had done) needed some informing. I watched families who had children I wanted my kids to be like and asked those moms' advice. James Stenson's book, "Compass" has been the best for forming my underlying philosophy of raising children. One thing he emphasizes is beginning with the end in mind. The end is my child being an adult who loves others and cares for them, who, if she is married, chooses a good man and has children who are a joy to be around. I am not raising a child, I am raising someone who will be an adult and that takes formation and work on everyone's part.

Hot topic for a lot of people. I don't necessarily like labels either. I have 2 kids. What worked for my now 7yr old daughter is not what works for my 2yr old son. They are very different personalities. I leaned a little more to the AP (attachment parent) style with my daughter because that's what SHE needed. Did I really enjoy it? No, but that's what she needed and how she reacted best. With my son, Iean more towards the TP (traditional parent) style because that's what he reacts to best. I say lean because there are just some things I don't agree with at all on either 'side' of the fence so to speak.

i.e.- When I visited a very AP friend (she's not one to tell others how to parent their child), I think she was just a wee bit jealous that my son was very independant and didn't need me to do everything for him or with him. I think that has a lot to do with their little personalities and that's what I told her. My daughter was very much like her little man and didn't learn some independance until recently.

I guess my point is... Follow your gut and the needs of that specific little one and you'll do just fine.

The best way to parent is going to fall somewhere in between the 2 styles, adopting what works best from each style for your family and particular child. Since all children are different, parenting approaches must differ as well. Just do what feels right and works best for you, and if any one from either camp says anything bad to you, tell them to shut it. We are all just doing what is best for our children, which is often different than what may be best for someone else's child. Fact is, anyone who sits there and says "my way is best" can not really know that because they have not fully tried the other method, they just know what was best for them.

I've not gone by any book on parenting. I have read "Mindful Parenting" and "How to talk so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk". I pay attention to my daugher and her needs, what works and what doesn't. Watch other parents, to see what I agree with and not. This is my "second time around" as I raised two stepkids who are now in their 20s. That time was mostly trial and error, and my daughter has benefited from that experience and the wisdom of age - there is no "right" or "wrong", only what works for your family, and "don't sweat the small stuff" and almost every thing is small. I have much more patience in my 40s than I had in my 20s/30s. My recommendation is to go with your instincts. It sounds like it's working so far!

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I read "babywise" per my sister's reccomendation, she is a "by the book" parent more then I realized ... and really to me it was just a bunch of crock that I already knew! Oh and the second you have the "that moment" the instincts will be RIGHT THERE! Honestly I do what works for us, and when I am not sure, I call my mom, my sisters (both they are very diff parents), talk to my parent partner, and if needed to his pedi about it ... there are others but those are normally my go to and they typically have a few suggestions worth trying. I am a trial and error parent mostly, but now that he is 4 I can better understand what information to "toss out the window" the second I hear it. I guess I fell into the "attached parenting" but not by choice and now that he is 4 he is pretty darn independant and that pleases me.

I think the best parenting is understand your child and use the approach that works best to bring out their potential. My son is very sensitive and sweet so attachment works well for us. We don't have to use "time out" because he doesn't do anything bad! His issues are his reluctance to be independant and I have to encourage him and give him positive experiences so he feels confident undertaking them. Over time you will become more confident and really, consistency and love can take many forms . Like the other moms said, you gotta do what feels right!

Hi G., (very beautiful name by the way) Many Many different schools of thought regarding parenting exist on this site. I LOVE them all even the ones I don't agree with! I don't want to piss anyone off! The COMMON factor in ALL of us is passion towards our children, how that passion is chanelled varies greatly!

My favorite parenting book is the one I wrote (there in the back of my head) entilted 'You Got To Go With Your Own Gut Every Single Time Even If It Goes Against What The Experts Say'!

And it sounds to me like you are already doing that. You don't need a 'name' or a label' to your parenting style, you only need firm BELIEF that it's the RIGHT style for your kids!!

Have a great day!

I'm also not big into labels, so I'm not even sure what parent directed is. I breastfeed, carried my children in front packs, but also didn't co-sleep, and had my kids in their cribs early. I also like schedules and routines, so I have no idea where I fall.

I have noticed that there is a generation of kids that didn't seem to have boundaries as they grew up. They don't know how to respect themselves or others, and have a great sense of entitlement. I did NOT want my children to be labeled this way. We definitely have rules, which my son seems to thrive on, and a schedule, but we also let him explore and try things too. He is very independent, yet likes to have the reassurance from us if needed. He is a sweet, loving 2 year old, but I'm not sure if that is because of us, or just his natural personality.

As for books, I found that "How to raise and emotionally intelligent child", while not telling me how to discipline, helped me to "know" what I needed to do. I also just ordered love and logic, and how to talk so your child will listen, and listen so your child will talk. I don't follow anything to a T, but I do feel that the more educated I am on some of the ideas and techniques out there, the better prepared I will be to experiment and see what works best for each of my children.

I like the books "positive discipline" and "when you are about to go off the deep end, don't bring your children with you" ironically they both had the same philosophies, so I was pleased by that...and I find the tactics work best in my household. Not only do I like it as a parent, I like it as a person and like the suggestions for ALL relationships! I have found that I go to the books in times of despair, LOL, and I use the suggestions in all books and articles in accordance with my own instincts and my own judgement. The books just reinforce and remind me b/c in stressful times or difficult times its easy to forget! I personally like the books that address child behavior and psychology b/c once you have a better understanding from that point of view, it helps in how you address your child in circumstances.

Guiliana,
I think you're putting too much thought rather than instinct into this. What feels right to YOU? What does your daugther respond best to and what makes you and your hubby feel good about being parents? How do you want to raise your child?
You don't need to subscribe to a specific style or follow it completely. Even if you wish to incorporate certain aspects of AP, you don't need to do every single possible AP philosophy thing.
There were certain AP things that I did - I didn't let babies cry, I held them a lot, as infants, they slept in our bed or an attached cosleeper, and I was a working mom from the time they were 8 and 11 weeks old. I didn't do crying it out or anything like that but honestly, it wasn't needed. My kids naturally progressed, they moved to their own cribs, the younger one eventually did sleep through the night and they became very independent. However, we DID discipline. That does not have to mean spanking, but there was a consequence and not necessarily a "natural" consequence but a disciplinary one. Your parenting can grow and change with your child. My kids are 11 and 15, so I'm past that AP/Not AP stage - unless we're talking about AP high school classes! At this stage, it's helicopter vs free range parenting and even though I did some AP philosophy (more with 2nd kid), I am the antithesis of the Helicopter Parent
Good luck

We loved the book - Unconditional Parenting. I found the ideas and thoughts around what drives children's behavior to be right on. You just have to ignore the lectures and insinuations that if you do anything other than exactly what they recommend, you are doing irrevocable harm to your child. There are just times when this calm and reasoned approach doesn't work. But I think it was a good supplement and we continue to reread sections of it when we are having trouble with one of the kids.

Good luck!

Guiliana,

Don't worry so much about labels, just do what feels right. Read as much as you can, but only take what will work for you, your daughter and the rest of your family.

One thing that works for me is PRAISE!!! Do a lot of it. Sometimes it feels a little weird to praise my son for holding my hand outside or telling me he wants to eat, but it really makes him proud and when he does something I don't want him to do all I have to say (usually) is no and he stops. Children usually want to please their parents, so this technique uses that to encourage good behavior rather than focusing on bad behavior.

Good luck, you're doing great, just have faith in yourself.
R.

I say natural instinct. For me natural instinct seems to be the AP way. I believe the different styles make HUGE differences. It is crazy that we are shaping lives... All the best!

Sounds like you turned out pretty good, so why not follow your mom's philosophy? I really don't think any of these parenting books are really working, since I see so many rude kids in the stores lately.

I love dr sears!, and i love love love attachment parenting. The fact that you put your baby in her own room at 8 months doesnt mean you didnt use it , or half used it. You applied the idea that you should be close to your baby until you felt she was ready, and thats the whole point.

I have took these words to heart since my first daughter was in my womb 8 years ago, there was one rule i could never do, and that is wearing the baby. I have big children and bad posture, it just didnt work, and i envy the women who get too. If you will remember closely that a part of that book is also "beware of bad advice", i remind you of this because of your current question.

When it comes to both my daughters I like to apply reasonable consequences to their bad actions. A little taste of what might happen in real life when they get older if they misbehave. This being reasoning with them, taking away priviledges and objects, showing my sadness over their actions, and time out. My oldest needed time out maybe twice her whole life, counting to ten usually worked. Now that she is 7 i merely threaten to cancel her sleepover or take her allowance away and she shapes up. With my youngest , she is showing more of an inclination towards being reasoned with and not wanting me to be dissapointed in her.

Every kid is different, but i urge you that with your search for punishment techniques i urge you to stay true to your original gut feeling of attachment parenting.

For books, Loving Our Kids On Purpose changed our family. Do trust that you have a good idea about what works for your family. Also remember that you need to agree with your partner/husband on these things as well.