Cry-it-out Versus Attachment

What a great question! I am a huge proponent of Attachment Parenting and co-sleeping. My daughter is now five and just moved easily and without any trauma and with a lot of self-pride into her own bed room. She is an incredibily self-confident and compassionate kid and I attribute this to the fact that she has always felt like she is important and that we value her feelings and needs. I facilitate an Attachment Parenting support group once a month that is free and if you would like to join us, please e-mail me at ____@____.com
Warmly,
F.

Hi E.,

When my son was younger (around 3-6 months maybe) I did try the cry it out method for a few days. It was PAINFUL for me. Every person I spoke with told me to hang in there and his cries would get less and less. They didn't. His distress grew and grew. Finally I put my foot down and told everyone to quit giving me advise and I listened to my gut. I do regret not putting my foot down sooner. I could have saved myself and my son a lot of distress.

Good luck,
D.

Well I know the cry it out method works with some kids and not with others. I tried it once and after 45 minutes of listening to my 1 year old little girl I gave up. I don't care what other people think and didn't want to do that so until she was 4 I had to lay with her to get her to sleep. But who cares they are only little once and I can guarantee that it doesn't harm them in the end. She is now 5 sleeps in her own bed with 50 stuffed animals and falls asleep on her own. I am still glad that I did it the way I did because I got that much more time with her.

Well, I am more of an "information geek" than a "try it out" mom. I think the evidence and studies speak for themselves.

Before I list a very few of them, I want to say that every family must do what works for them and there is no perfect way to raise a child.

I also want to urge every mother to do her own research. Be a critical reader! When reading, be aware of who wrote the information you are reading, what their credentials and motives are, and how the author is viewed by his/her peers. There is great information out there, but there are a lot of really bad books, too. Many written by people with little or no training, education, or experience. Anyone can write a book...

I also believe that a mother who mothers by her gut will usually do what is best. Any information that causes a mother to go against her natural mothering instinct is the wrong information for her. Any regrets that I have come from times when I didn't follow my gut.

Here is some of the research that I find helpful:

The studies on cortisol levels in babies while they are crying alone vs. crying in arms are astounding. The levels of cortisol measured in babies crying alone are high enough to cause damage to brain tissue and permanently alter a child's mental function. Clearly, babies are not meant to be left alone to cry.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp
http://home.mweb.co.za/to/torngren/bergman-int.html

The research in the fields of sociology, psychology, and anthropology show us that families around the world as far back as history dates have shared a family bed, breastfed on demand for and average of 4 years (still the current world average), and carried babies or strapped them on during their babyhood.

This body of research also tells us that a child who has his needs met by a single care giver (most optimally the mother) is a more independent, confident child than those who spend time fearing that their needs won't be met or those who are forced to be independent before they are ready.

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/lauren_lindsey_porter.html
Be sure and check out the sitations on this and any article your read.

Further, this attachment extends to the later parenting, making it easier to parent the child...

Gordon Neufeld on You Tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcaMsZrElnE (he has several videos you can watch!)
His book, Hold On To Your Kids is a MUST READ!!!
The Discipline Book by Dr. William Sears

Here is some really compelling research:

Biology gives us a whole body of research on human milk composition which shows us that out of all mammal species, human milk has the lowest amount of fat and protein when compared to other mammal species, here is what that says:

Cache care - These animals must hid their babies and only feed them every 12 hours. They have the highest amount of fat and protien in thier milk. Rabbits, mice

Nest care - These animals have less fat and protien and feed their babies every 4 hours or so. dog, cat

Follow care - These animals have even less fat and protien than cache and nest animals. They feed every 2 hours or so. Zebra, cow, elk.

Carry care - These animals have the lowest amount of fat and protien and feed their infants every 30 to 90 minutes. Primates.

Humans have the lowest amount of fat and protien! What does this say about how our babies should be cared for? How often they should be fed, and what we should expect from them at night?

http://www.llli.org/NB/NBSepOct01p178.html
http://www.aph.gov.au/house/committee/haa/breastfeeding/s...

BTW, new research is now linking colic to babies not being fed often enough and being left alone too often.

http://www.kangaroomothercare.com/whatis03.htm
http://home.mweb.co.za/to/torngren/eng-berg.html

Dr. Sears recommends feeding your baby twice as often and half as much when colic seems to be the trouble. He also recommends holding your baby http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/t051300.asp

It is interesting to see the societal influences we have here compared to the rest of the world. We want our babies to be convenient, yet their very make up makes that impossible.

Again, mothers must do what their gut tells them and use information to supplement that wisdom. Don't choose sides, choose your child!

Happy Mothering!! Enjoy your babies

Hi E.,
I am a mother of 5 children(18, 13, 11, 8, 2) who all slept with us as babies and toddlers. While one left our bed as early as 2 years 3 months another didn't leave our bed until 4.5 years. I DONT REGRET IT AT ALL!! I have a very close relationship with all of my children and they all feel very comfortable telling me or their father anything. They are all very confident children and at the same time very modest...even around us. And you can tell that they all feel very loved. hope that helps a little.

I attachment parent, and don't regret it for one second. I have only heard one parent ever say that they regret not letting their kid CIO, but honestly, it seemed more like she was regretting not letting a 2 year old cry when she wanted things she couldn't have. I have heard many, many, many stories from moms who did CIO with one kid, then changed their ways with the later ones to come, and regret doing CIO. Honestly, though, I frequent cloth diapering forums where most of the moms are AP moms, so that may be biased. Here is some great research I enjoy:

http://www.ezzo.info/babywise.htm
http://www.naturalchild.org/research/
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp
http://www.sleepnet.com/infant3/messages/534.html
http://cryitoutrecovery.org/Resources.html

There are many more good sites, but there are a few. I agree that there needs to be more sound research.

Oh, I really think you would like this interview, as it talks about exactly what you are! http://www.talaris.org/flash/interview.htm

Hi E.,

I think other cry-it-out Moms will agree with me when I say it's not an "all or nothing" thing.

ALL Moms ask themselves "why is my child crying *now*?" Diaper? Hungry? Teething?

Once we've ticked all the boxes, there's only one option left: sleepy.

It sounds too simple, because it is. Some babies cry to get themselves to fall asleep. Once I know my baby has a dry diaper, full belly, and has had the "stuffin" loved out of him, I have no hesitation with listening to a little crying, because it's always followed by blissful sleep.

My older son has replaced crying with other things to get to sleep (he has long, sometimes loud, conversations with his stuffed animal, lol), but we look at it as something he *needs* to settle himself down.

I don't mean to say this is the *only* way. This is our way, and it's not so black-and-white as saying, "Oh golly, I sure regret doing that. That really messed him up."

Cheers, and pleasant dreams to all.
T

Good for you for doing research!!!

With my first child, who is now 10, we tried to put him in his crib many times. I spent nights rocking him in the rocking chair, delirious and dangerously close to falling asleep myself. I guiltily brought him into bed with us, thinking all the while what a lousy, lazy mom I was. We had such sweet times together in the bed, but conventional wisdom told me that it was wrong, wrong, wrong. My mother brought me a Mothering Magazine when he was a few months old, and as I read, it was like a light came on. I wasn't lazy! I wasn't a bad mom! I was following my instincts, and doing what was right for my baby. I have never looked back.

Our son slept with us until he was 4 1/2. It was sweet and wonderful. He is well-adjusted, sleeps like a champ in his own bed, puts himself to bed promptly at 8:00, and gets up on his own at 6:30, well-rested and cheery. It was relatively easy to get him moved to his own bed, too, since he was older and more reasonable and wanted to feel like a big boy. No complaints. Certainly easier at that age than trying to battle nature with an infant who only knows what she or he needs, and can't bend to our rules very easily.

Our next son is now almost five, and slept with us until he was 2 1/2. We didn't even bother with a crib with him. He has a completely different personality than his brother, and we popped him out of bed with us earlier due to his insistence on sleeping on top of me instead of beside me, and lifting his head up in the middle of the night only to plop it back down on our noses. It was also relatively easy to transition him, although more difficult than his brother. Again, much easier than doing it when he was an infant.

We now have our 8-month old daughter in bed with us, and she sleeps beautifully. I love it. I nurse her and go back to sleep when she wakes. We are both sleeping well, and plenty, and we have since she was about a month old. We are thoroughly bonded.

I can't imagine letting her cry it out. The reason that crying it out works, in my fairly well-read opinion, is that the baby gives up on having his or her need met. Not the message I want to give my little one. They only have a couple of ways of communicating, and when we ignore them, try to go against their nature, and decide WE know better, we are delivering a powerful message that the baby's needs aren't going to be met. We simply can't spoil them. They aren't manipulative. They are simple creatures with simple needs, and comfort is absolutely, positively a valid infant need. We teach them every minute we're with them. ncluding sleep time.

After crying it out, the levels of stress hormone in their systems are sky-high, and then they get a dose of opiate from the old pharmacy in the brain as a response, which leads to the quieting. Is that learning to self-soothe???

check out www.mothering.com/articles/new_baby/bonding/science-of-at...

Teaching babies to sleep is easiest by example.

My three children are well-adjusted, pleasant, happy, and fun. We have NO sleep issues. It's just not a big deal. As with most things we do now with our children, we just did it as naturally as possible. We also work hard to be consistent and loving, listen well, and give lots of hugs.

I encourage you to check out Mothering if you haven't yet...very supportive of attachment parenting, natural parenting, breastfeeding, co-sleeping... and also, www.mothering.com

Best of luck to you. What a lucky baby to have such a smart mom! Take care.

I have to say that I think the cry it out method really makes me cringe. I feel that our children need all the love and attention that we can give them. In my opinion, letting a child cry it out or learn to self sooth is totally unwarrented. I have 2 boys 11 and 21 months. I did not even try the cry it out method with either. I could not, it would tear me up letting my child cry and feel alone. Thinking that mommy does not want to come and hold and love them. I have to say that right now my 21 month old still sleeps with us a lot of the time, but not all the time. We cuddle him to get him to sleep in our bed and then take him to his while he is sleeping. He loves his bed and makes efforts to try to go in there and sleep on his own, but when all is said and done, he wants to be cuddeled. Can you blame him?? We all like that! I really believe that it is best for them, they learn about love and bonding. Bonding is so important, to many people don't realize the long term affects of not making a great bond with a baby. I have seen the results and it is not pretty.

With that said, my 11 yr old is a great sleeper. He slept with me off and on till about 3 and now is a strong independent, loving and caring kid. He is wonderful and I am blessed to have both of my boys. God does give us our children to raise and be parents to, but he also gives us them to love and show how to love.

In the end you need to do what your heart tells you is right, not your head. I just think that they are young for such a little amount of time, enjoy them and cuddle them and love them as much as possible now. I really believe that you all will be blessed 10 fold in the end.
Hope this helps. :)

My son is only 23 months, so my parenting experience is limited. As an early childhood professional, from what I have read and what I have observed of young children and their parents my vote (and my choice) are to err on the side of attachment. Parents who lean toward the attachment parenting style seem to have an easier time getting in sync with their children. As children grow and change, their attachment needs change and as long as parents recognize and respond to these changes, it really seems like a good thing for everyone involved. For me, attachment parenting just feels natural. Ultimately, you have to trust your instincts.

I will share the story of a friend, her kids are now 40 and 35. When she had her oldest, she was out cold and woke up and they handed her, her son. She says she remembers thinking, "How did this happen?" When he was a few months old, their doctor told her to let him cry at night so he would learn how to sleep through the night (this was back in the 'you're spoiling your baby' era). She said her husband had to practically hold her down to keep her from getting up to tend to her crying baby and she cried the entire time he was 'crying it out.' Needless to say, none of this felt natural to her and as she says, "In those days we just did whatever the doctor said." But, she was determined to do things differently with her younger son. She had no drugs at all and was very much present during the birth process. She also 'rocked him to sleep every night until he was 2 years old.' She stopped rocking him to sleep when he said he was ready. She still regrets that she didn't do things with her first son the way she did with her second and she attributes some of their personality traits and her relationships with each of her children to those early parenting practices.

Like I said, my own experience is limited and I am finding that taking my friend's advice and learning from her trial and error is working well. I also do not want to raise my kids how I was raised. As a teacher of infants and toddlers, my philosophy and practice was very attachment focused. I believe that healthy attachments are the best foundation you can give a child. I also believe that there is more than one way to form those attachments.

I have two former cosleepers and one current. They sleep fantastically. Now, my middle girl took til just over a year (we're late teethers, so that contributed) to get through the night, but once she did she is a solid sleeper. They all go to sleep with no problems.

Now, it's normal for kids to get up at night sometimes. We go through cycles of that now and again. And like someone else said, you have to find your own way and what works best for YOUR family. No one else can decide that.

Hi E.,
I am happy to share my thoughts. WIth my first baby, I generally did not take her to bed with us, but had her sleep in her own crib near our bed, believing she needed "to learn". With my next three, I was introduced to the idea of co-sleeping and they slept in our bed until they were ready to move out, generally percipitated by the next one's birth. I dearly regret putting my first child in her own bed...I missed so much with her, in so many ways. Regretfully, we do not have the relationship that I have with my other children and I sincerely believe it was the difference in my parenting styles between my first and the others that made the most difference. If I have any regrets with my last three children, it is that at the time, I didnt ALWAYS appreciate just how wonderful it was to share my bed with them! My oldest child has been heard saying,"I wish I would have had the parents my siblings had." (She had the same parents, we just became more mature and more aware) Concentrating on meeting our children's needs and trusting that versus "we are the parents" attitude, I think, was the major difference.

It is my belief that babies learn to trust and grow to independence when we trust them. Trusting that they need to have their needs met, that they cry because it is their only way to let us know that they need something, and that something might just be mom/dad, allows them the ability to feel safe and secure, which nurtures their independence. I believe when parents believe this and are supported that it is necessary to meet their babies' needs, it in turn nurtures the parents and everyone wins.

None of my children had any sleep problems, although my oldest did sleep walk.

I just want to applaude you for forethought in parenting. I have choosen the attachment parenting route as well because it feels right to me (although sometimes I feel I have choosen the tougher route) and secondly because of your thoughts, has anyone really done to research to see which parenting creates more well rounded, confident children that grow up to be great adults. And so we know the cause and effect of our parenting choices. I have a 10 month old who does not sleep through the night, so I can't give you any opinions as to what worked for us because I haven't figured it out yet! But just to let you know that your "a little about me" is something that I often think of myself with struggling with day to day parenting.

I will not claim to be an expert nor do I have "old" children but I will tell you that I have 3 kids and all 3 of them are different! I don't think there is ONE way to do everything. My first (who is now 4) is a very needy child and during the day needs a lot of attention but at night she needs her space. She cannot fall asleep unless she is alone in her bed. So there were times when I did make her cry it out when she was younger because I knew bringing her into my bed only made it worse and it worked great but my second child (now 2) is very very different. She doesn't need a lot she is very content and happy but at bedtime she wanted a little more attention so I would not make her cry it out because I knew that if I did it wouldn't work (but I did make her sleep in her bed). And now I have a 6 month old that is in between the both, sometimes I can tell he just needs to be left alone and cry for a minute and other times I can tell he just needs a little extra attention. One thing I do believe in is that husbands and wives need to have their own time and their own bed but that's just me. I strongly feel that if you are in tune with your kids then you will know what they need and there is not one fool proof way to raise kids. Also to address your comments about "passing on the legacy" there is a quote that I love so much and it is "I am the me I choose to be". I too had a "crappy" childhood but I don't blame my parents because they did it the best they knew how and if you pass along that legacy to your kids, the "do it your best" legacy then they won't blame you for their insecurities because they will know that you tried your best. Just like your parents did. And from there they can choose to be who they want. And now I am the me I choose to be! I hope you find your "perfect" way to parent because I know I have and it works for me but that doesn't mean it will work for you or any other mom who is reading this.

I have a 10 yr old girl and a 13 month old girl. My 10 yr old and I found ourselves alone through an unfortunate set of circumstances - she was all I had and so we were very attached. She slept with me, ate with me, went to work with me; she was my shadow. I now find myself with a wonderful man with whom I have had another child. We have a different schedule; with our older children there are more activities and she can not go to this particular job with me. She still sleeps with us on occasion, especially since she has had digestive problems since about 7 months and has had some pretty rough nights.
But I digress. My point E. is that my first child, who became attached to me (as I to her) due to circumstances, is now a happy, healthy, independent, loving, creative, willful(in a good way) young woman. Our bond is deep - I see it in her eyes when I look at her. Our youngest is comfortable, secure, knows she is loved, and will grow up knowing that if she needs to, she can sleep with us, but if not, she's okay. I have said on this site before, and will say again, that I am a firm beleiver in the fact that children make their needs known; we just have to listen. And the basic need with children, as with all human beings in general, is to be loved. Love your children, in whatever way they need to be loved, whether that be co-sleeping or not.
I want to commend you on not wanting pass on the insecurities that your parents left you with - it shows way more about your character than you know.
Good luck to you in whatever decision you decide to make.

J.

I had to come back and let you know something else - now that Beth is 13 months, she goes to sleep in her own bed by herself without any problems. She starts rubbing her eys about 9:30 and we put her in bed with her "fuzzy", kiss her goodnight, turn out the lihts and close the door. But again, if need be, she sleeps with us, no second thoughts.

There's a big difference between letting a child cry it out because the parents want to force the child to sleep, and letting/teaching a child to self-soothe. I don't agree with a lot of moms who think - my 4 month old should be sleeping through the night, I'll just force it. Lots of kids are sleeping through the night at 12 weeks, LOTS are not.

My daughter still had a night feeding until nearly 8 months of age. When she started to reject the feeding, I knew she was ready to sleep through the night. We'd go in and soothe her when she cried, but after a few nights, we'd just rub her back - not pick her up. Soon she was sleeping through the night. There are lots of versions of "cry-it-out" and very few people do the "shut-the-door-and-ignore-the-cries" thing.

In most ways, we did/do "attachment parenting"- feed on demand, not on a schedule, let the child lead on nap times, etc. We did not co-sleep. I wasn't opposed, but our girl was born in the winter and it was 7 degrees and we slept with a big comforter and blankets! I just wasn't comfortable having her in our bed with all those covers.

I don't know anyone who regrets co-sleeping. I do know lots of people who regret not teaching their children to sleep without them at a reasonable age. Like my neighbor who still sleeps with her son most nights - he is 11. I'm not kidding.

Every child has different needs. I think the biggest point of attachment parenting is letting the child's needs guide you, as opposed to letting your own need for structure guide you. I have one bio child and one adopted. They do have some different needs, especially with attachment, and there are things I did differently with each - just as any mom does things differently with each of her kids.

The Babywise method has come under a lot of fire from doctors who feel it is far too rigid and has the potential to result in malnourished and dehydrated babies, even children with attachment problems. The AMA has come out absolutely against it.

E.,

I did the cry-it-out method and "didn't" regret doing it. If you give in and say this one time, it will be every time. You need your sleep as much as they do. If you stay firm and let them cry after a few days they will know that you are not coming in and will go to sleep.

I have learned if you spoil them now "when they are little" you will regret it later because it will effect their behavior for the rest of their life and they will expect it.

I hope this helps?

D.

Dear E.,

We did a little bit of each and have been very happy. Our baby co-slept for a long time (a year), but when we felt that "enough was enough," we did briefly use the cry-it-out method for a few nights, and it worked smoothly and beautifully to get him sleeping in his own bed. We blend both methods in many ways. For example, we do occasionally let him cry for a few minutes when going to bed (seems to be a natural thing), but we are still breastfeeding (at two years). It seems that the blend works better than going all the way one way or the other.

The only thing I regret is being too harsh at the beginning. I planned to use Babywise - we dropped it almost immediately, but I did spend a lot of his first month trying to let him cry it out, which was an utter disaster. He would scream for hours, my husband would spend nights on the couch, and I would be awake all night, sleepless and miserable. Attachment parenting is definitely the way to go with a newborn. Whatever they need, it's not discipline! But firmer methods can, I think, have a place once the child moves out of the newborn stage.

Blessings!

One of the great points made in the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" is to prevent overtiredness. The author advovcates letting a healthy child cry himself to sleep, but also stresses the importance of enforcing bedtimes and naptimes. This becomes harder the more children you have, because older children's activities can interfere with the naptime needed by younger children.

I also followed the advice to handle my daughter differently at night than during the day when she woke to nurse or had a dirty diaper. We never played at night. I kept the lights low and spoke in low tones. This is especially important for toddlers, who will take any opportunity to wake themselves up to play.

I am the mother of two "generations" - I have two sons who are 16 months apart and are now in their early/mid 20s - I also have another son who is almost 12 - although I almost always wanted to keep my babies with me, my husband (the same for all kids) insisted most of the time on the put-them-to-bed-and-if-they-cry-oh-well method for the older two and they survived it although it was devastating for me to have to listen to - but the later son co-slept with us until he was nearly 5 - mainly because he wouldn't sleep alone due to sleep apnea which we luckily discovered without SIDS and finally had to address with a tonsilectomy - anyway, our older sons are very independent and self-motivated but our youngest son is much more attached to us still - and is still lazy and needs guidance and redirection regularly - but as long as we provide that as we did for his brothers I am sure he will go after all the opportunities available to him that he wants to pursue - I preferred the co-sleeping and attachment because it felt better to do but I don't think ultimately either affected my sons adversely and I only regret not cuddling my older boys more when I could have - good luck.

I let my kids sleep in my bed, all three. By the time my third child was born, we were ready for a divorce because we were only having sex less than ten times a year, and had severe emotional issues between us, and a lack of communication. Hint: parents need time to talk, share experiences, and work things out in a kid free environment, on a regular basis. After the divorce, I met my current husband. His wife still sleeps with the kids, who are now 5 and 9 years old. They got divorced for the same reasons. Now, my three kids sleep in their own beds and his two sleep in a twin bed together, (when they are at our house). My 5 year old step son is emotionally delayed because he is so dependent on his mother. He has had trouble in school with learning and forming social relationships because he is emotionally immature and has generally been so over protected and not allowed to make mistakes or learn things on his own. I think as mothers, we have to make sure that we are not the ones who are emotionally dependent on our children to feel comforted and have a sense of purpose, or identity. Give your kids some space and freedom to make choices. Let them learn from the "love and logic" approach. Our job is to prepare them for the world, not try to smother them or keep them to ourselves for our own needs.

Updated

I let my kids sleep in my bed, all three. By the time my third child was born, we were ready for a divorce because we were only having sex less than ten times a year, and had severe emotional issues between us, and a lack of communication. Hint: parents need time to talk, share experiences, and work things out in a kid free environment, on a regular basis. After the divorce, I met my current husband. His wife still sleeps with the kids, who are now 5 and 9 years old. They got divorced for the same reasons. Now, my three kids sleep in their own beds and his two sleep in a twin bed together, (when they are at our house). My 5 year old step son is emotionally delayed because he is so dependent on his mother. He has had trouble in school with learning and forming social relationships because he is emotionally immature and has generally been so over protective. I think as mothers, we have to make sure that we are not the ones who are emotionally dependent on our children to feel comforted and have a sense of purpose, or identity. Give your kids some space and freedom to make choices. Let them learn from the "love and logic" approach. Our job is to prepare them for the world, not try to smother them or keep them to ourselves for our own needs.

Remember that any advice you get is based upon opinion and personal experience. So, in my opinion you have to do what is BEST FOR THE CHILD!!! In all of the reading I have done, the consensus is co-sleeping creates more problems later down the road and is really about satisfying the need of the parent...not the child. Not to mention the fact that it can be dangerous. The few nights we spent working the "crying it out" method were rough, but ideal now. Our daughter can self-soothe. Which is not to say that I don't do plenty of comforting. Self-soothing is an extremely important tool we need our children to have. As much as we would like to always be there to protect...we can't. Our children need to experience how to nurture themsleves a bit at an early age so they can build upon that as they grow. You cannot put your "issues/baggage" onto your child...it isn't fair. Trust that you will do better because of the pain you felt and put your child's needs ahead of your own. I am not preaching..I am struggling with my own baggage and trying to not pass it down (eating disorder). I am sympathetic to a point, but I am learning that "my stuff" cannot matter anymore because I have to look out to minimize "her stuff". I don't know it this helps at all..good luck!

Hello E.,

I'm no expert!! My children are still very young. My 3 year old hasn't worked very well with the CIO method. I changed it with his needs, going in every 3 minutes. he still is in need of sleeping with us 4-5 times a month which I have no problem with..My daughter(9 months) on the other hand cannot and will not sleep with anyone at her side. Right around 9 weeks she was sleeping through the night( 8 hours) and was placed in her crib. She cried a little the first night but that was about it. Ever time i put her down for a nap or bed she ALWAYS cry for a minute or two and then falls right asleep. If she crys longer than that I KNOW soemthing is wrong and always go to check on her. EVERY Child is different and I believe you have to do different things with different children.

One the other hand my brother is 27 and he hardly ever slept with my parents as a NEWBORN! He has never had problems going to bed or staying in bed. he is a very independent person and handles his business. He is still very close to my mom and would do anything for her.

My husband on the other hand is 30 and was a cosleeper with his mom and dad(until 11). Afterwards has not had sleep issues. Goes to bed goes right asleep. He is more affection than my brother, but still as independent.He is stilled very attached to his mother.

So who is to say which better, when really it depends on your child. If your gut tells you your child needs to sleep with you. Than do it, who cares what anyone else thinks. It's your baby and you are thier mother. You know what's best for your baby, not doctors, friends, grandparents, siblings, and sometimes husbands(haha). There is no evidence for perfect parenting of your children! Only you know, so be confident! Go for it!! I really hope this helps. You're doing a great!!
N.

Hi E.,

I too am a mother of "two generations" of kids. My older daughters are 13 & 14, and I have 6 month old twins. I AP'ed my older two and they didn't sleep through the night till after 13 months old, and still to this day have a hard time falling asleep on their own and independently adhering to bedtime. I remember doing anything and everything to get them to fall asleep when my older girls were little, I would hold them, bounce them, walk with them, take them for car rides, sing, play music, anything but let them cry. They still have to be told and disciplined regularly regarding bedtime. They would rather sleep in the living room where we are than go get into bed. I absolutely attribute my older daughters' struggles to fall asleep independently to AP method at night.

I have used the cio method with my twins since they were two months old, and now when I put them in their co-sleeper they might fuss for 30 seconds or so, but they fall right to sleep. Yes, in the beginning it was tough to hear them cry, and even tougher when they would wake each other up, but I stuck with it. I knew that my babies and I all needed our rest, and they needed to learn to fall asleep on their own. My babies sleep right next to me throughout the night (in an arm's reach co-sleeper...the best thing ever!!). Again, they have their own space and the opportunity to self-sooth, they don't rely on cuddling to sleep through the night. I cuddle them and play with them during the day, and get to cuddle their dad at night!! We are currently working on getting rid of night feedings (my daughter wakes up once & my son twice) right now, and I have high hopes that they both will be sleeping through the night in the next couple of months.

I totally agree, you must parent with your gut, but not your guilt. Don't be afraid to do what's best for your child and your family everyone in the household matters, and your the mom, you already know what's best for everyone;)

Good Luck,
C.

I do not regret the method I chose, which was to do whatever baby wanted! I have never taken a stand for either side. Believe me there are nights my oldest cries it out (by minute 2 she's snoring!) That's only becasue she's two and that's where we are. She would be happy to stay up all night until she passed out on the floor. Not an option!

My oldest daughter would not sleep with us, she always slept better in her own dark, quiet room, in her bed. Now that she is two and a half she sometimes asks to go to sleep in our bed, (she cries it out in our bed sometimes too!) so she falls asleep and daddy moves her once we go to bed. Once in a while she will wake up during the night and ask to sleep in our bed, so I take her to my bed. I figure I can't mess her up too badly by supporting her needs!

I now have a four month old daughter who also wants nothing to do with our bed, once she does (if she does) into our bed she'll go:) If she does have a hard time going to sleep, which is rare, I just go pick her up and we cuddle. At four months they only have two needs, food and comfort. I would never deprive her of either.

I don't think there is one better way, I think there is the way they want, and they will let you know! Although keep in mind I am a huge pushover!

I have never for one minute regretted letting my kids cry them selves to sleep! It made them great sleepers! The learned to sooth themselves, and to this day they are all GREAT sleepers! I have a 12, 8 and 4, so I have had many years of practice! Good luck!

E. - I think one thing to recognize is that attachment parenting is a lifetime theory on parenting, while cyring it out is one method to deal with a child who isn't sleeping through the night. What I've found with attachment parenting is that there are a lot of people out there who claim to be the experts, but it's Dr. Sears who came up with the term and is the go-to for attachment parenting questions. His website has a lot of info. One thing I read on his site is that every parent has to decide what works for them by judging what feels right to you - go with your gut instinct and don't listen to everyone else who thinks they are the expert on your child. Good luck. It sounds like you are thoughtful and on the right path for you.

When my children were 10 months I knew they were not hungry at night and I did the cry out method. They are great sleepers, better than most kids I know. That was my first assertion of being a parent. As a parent we will be making decisions that our kids don't like that are the best for them. When we are exhausted and aren't getting a good night sleep we aren't our best and neither are they so we enforce that they must sleep because it is good for everyone. I have never regretted doing the right thing as a parent even when it was hard to make the decision and my children did not like it.

The problem with the "all or nothing" approach is every child is different. What works for one child does not work for another. Some children are heavy sleepers and can sleep in a room with their parents, others are light sleepers and need their own space. Some children want to be comforted to sleep, some can't get to sleep if they are being held and some want to have a mixture.

I have 4 children. I never let them "cry it out" for longer than 5-10 minutes. I put my oldest daughter to bed every night without a lot of cuddling and she never cried it out at all. My oldest son however (same age) required a lot of cuddling to be comfortable at night. My middle daughter at one point required me to be in there for a while before she could go to sleep, but at other times didn't want me in there at all. My youngest (10 months) practically jumps out of my arms into his crib, but when I actually try to leave the room he will cry for a couple of minutes until he settles himself down enough to sleep (I think it has more to do with his activity level than anything). So from what I've learned is there is no "correct" way. Every child is different. That is why some things work for some and others work for others. And you need to find what works for you.

Sorry, I know this wasn't what you are looking for. My oldest are only 3 so I haven't had long enough to "regret" how they've been put to bed. What we do works for us and I think that's the best you can do.

I kinda did both. I let them (two now teenage girls) cry it out at times, and co-slept at times. It always depended on the situation. By the time my youngest was 3, she slept alone all of the time. I don't really think there is a "right" or "wrong" way. It all depends on the child and the situation. Crying never hurt anyone, and they are little for just a little while, pretty soon they don't want to hang out with mom and dad. So, take your situation and tailor it to your little boy. He won't be little for long. And no, there are no regrets.

I just wanted to add my two cents for whatever it is worth. We let me son cry it out and it worked great for him. He is 3 and we have never had any issues with him. On the other hand our 7 month old daughter will not let up if we try to make her cry it out, so we don't. I take the extra time to rock her or whatever she needs. Each child is different and each childs needs are different. Just see what your child is needing and do what you can, we as parents don't have any idea what to do, it is all a learning processes.

With four children ages 14,13,7,5~ I've tried it all... There are no affects from either method. I think it is whatever works for your family at the time AND all children are different...

I don't think that what your doing is wrong. I choose the cry it out thing and my kid was sleeping all night in about 2 days. She is 2 now and I can't do anything. She won't sleep with me or without me so I really don't think that either method is better than the other just perhaps the repercussions. I know that for me it was really hard to listen to my daughter cry and I had to move to a room where I could barely hear her just so that I didn't go in there but she does play independently now. And I know some moms that have done the co thing and they have a hard time because when they want their other they can't so much. and as they get older it's hard to get them into their own bed. I am also told that sometimes when they go to school they have a hard time dealing with things because they are use to having you there when they need you. Again Neither has actually worked for me. So I really believe that it's up to you and how you raise them when their awake as to not pass anything to them that you don't want to. I hope that all works out for you.

I did attachment and co sleeping with my oldest he is almost 2. We did a similar version of crying out when he turned 18 months to get him to sleep on his own. I dont regret it because he is a great sleeper. I think at that age he understood what I was saying and that I wasnt leaving him in anyway. I never went longer then 3 mins of letting him cry. It took one night to get him to sleep on his own.

Hi E.,
I feel your pain completely. My daughter is now almost 6 and she slept with us until she was about 9 months old and then I got scared she would fall out of our bed. She also wanted to breast feed all night long. We put a bed on the floor next to ours and I would spend night after night going from one bed to the other getting no sleep at all. Since she was my only one it wasn't that big a deal and I wasn't working out of the home. The problem is, I trained her to wake up every 2 hours because I would go to her at the slightest sound and this caused sleep problems until she was 4. My sister is going through the EXACT same thing with her son because we always believed in breastfeeding and attachment parenting.
Then my son was born and I knew I couldn't spend every night awake. I was in the hospital for a week when he was 3 weeks old and he was not allowed in my hospital room because of RSV so my husband trained him that week to sleep in his crib. Of course he woke up to eat every 2 hours being a newborn and when I came home I would nurse him about every 2 hours but he stayed in the crib. Both my kids slept pretty well until they were 6 months old and then it was like someone flipped a switch and they both started waking up about an hour after I put them down and back and forth, up and down for hours every night. I just couldn't take it again. My friend gave me the book, Happy children, healthy sleep habits (is that the exact name? I can't remember cuz it has been a while.) I read the book and when my son was 7 1/2 months old, he woke up an hour after I put him down and I let him cry. I cried too and it was the longest 22 minutes of my life but he did go back to sleep until midnight!! Every night it got better until he never woke up again EVER after about 2 months! He is so good he has even vomited in his bed about 4 times since then and literally went back to sleep in it!! (I know gross!) It was so hard and went against every grain in my nature to let him cry but he naps well and sleep 100% better than my daughter ever has!! I am so glad I went through a couple months of that over several years of sleep deprivation like I did with my daughter.
On a side nore, the crying thing NEVER worked for naps. I have to lie down with him in my bed, until he is asleep.
I know so many moms that struggle with this. I wish you the best of luck. Go with your own instincts and that is the best you can do.
Take care,
J.

Hi E.! I have two older daughters (9 & 6) and an 18 month old and another baby on the way. I did the cry it out thing with my older two, I also followed BabyWise somewhat, and they are still to this day the best sleepers. They are very confidant and well-adjusted girls and I don't regret a thing! The cry it out method only took maybe a day to one week to work and the results last a lifetime. They need to learn how to self-soothe! I didn't have to do anything with my 18 month old, she is an amazing sleeper and I will plan to do cry it out with this next one if he needs it. I feel that we were given the gift of raising these children by God and it is our responsibility to be the parents and set the rules from the get-go! I respect every parent and their own rights to do what they feel led to do. Thanks and I hope this helped!

I have three children 10,8,6 and the older two we had them in their own beds and let them cry it out and they hardly ever come into our bed now. If they wake up in the night for some reason they have blankets that they pull out and sleep on the floor to be close to us. Our youngest, however, we let come in more often and sleep with us and it is a very rare night that she sleeps all night in her bed and NEVER stays on the floor, but in other situations she is very independant. I really think that the older two sleep better. On the other side of the coin they are little so short of a time and I think that as long as you and your husband are on the same page you should follow your mom's instinct, don't sell yourself short. We usually know what our kids need.

I might have changed the fact that we let her sleep in our bed and not a pallet on the floor but I have always let our kids come in and be close to us if they needed it in the night. (so maybe in the middle) Good luck:)

My first child was sleeping through the night consistently by 6 months, I NEEDED to have him self soothe because he never took naps in the day. With that, it was only 20 minutes of crying, never longer. I am an advocate of it, but do it VERY early...because if you wait past the 4-6 month age it could be hours of crying.

My second child I did not, because my first was only 17 months old when the 2nd was born. So if I let him cry...it would wake up the other kid...and then there are 2 awake kids. He had extreme dairy allergies, so he was with tummy aches also, so I felt guilty about that. But he wasn't sleeping well..until 1 YEAR. That was a long year. And still it's not the best.

When I have no guilt issues about letting a kid cry is when I have already been up for 2 hours that night on 3 separate occasions and I am about to lose it. In that case, it's safer for my kid to be in his own bed and a pillow over my head to drown out the noise. That will also send a message to my husband...and if he wants to step in, by all means!

I used the method created by the book "Babywise" which is about setting up feeding schedules and patterns that co-incides and helps babies with they're sleeping patterns. Teaching babies to self-soothe so they can put themselves back to sleep when they wake up and cry does include letting them cry, so in essence, I guess I can say I used the "cry-it-out" method for both of my chidren and I DO NOT regret using it. My son slept through the night when he was 10 weeks old and my daughter when she was 8 weeks old, so the method in that book WORKS. Neither have had to sleep in our bed and they both go to their own beds without fussing and are great sleepers! My son is now 5 and my daughter is 2.

In regard to making parenting mistakes, don't be so h*** o* yourself. You WILL make mistakes. No one is a perfect parent. As long as your kids know you love them unconditionally so matter what they do or how they act, they will be emotionally stable children. Remember that disciplining your child means you love them. Not discipliing them only hurts them in the long run when they get out in the world. Hang in there and good luck.

I did let my kids cry some, and they did learn to soothe themselves. My daughter is 7 and is a great sleeper. She has been a great sleeper for a long time, but didn't start out that way. I trained her early that my arms were the place to be, and that was a hard habit to break. She was 8 months old when we started sleep training her, and it was hard. Looking back I would have given her opportunities to lie down here and there without holding her so she would know it was ok to just be on her own a bit.

I do believe in soothing your child, and taking individual characteristics and situations into account, but if you know your child is fed, dry, not ill, and safe, some crying is not such a bad thing.

My son slept with us until he was not restful to sleep with anymore. When he needed more space he started sleeping in his own crib, and that was at around 7 or 8 months.

I read the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, and it was really helpful. I don't regret letting them cry. Even though it was not easy to do, it was the best thing for them in the long run, and the best thing for our whole family.

P.

I do not regret co-sleeping with my children. I do, however, regret not putting them in their own beds earlier. My children are 4 and 3 and they still sleep with us:}

We usually hold our children to go to sleep and then put them in their beds. Most of the time they stay in their rooms until 4:00 in the morning or later, but since we recently moved they have been climbing into bed with us around midnight. We are not consistent with putting them back in bed and figure that they will only be little once and pretty soon they will be asking to sleep in their own beds and not wanting to cuddle as much, so we are taking advantage of the time that we do have to experience these things with our children.

We have such a close bond with our children and they also respect us. We sing and laugh and play in our bed in the mornings and nothing will every be able to replace these fond memories. I just wish we had transitioned them to falling asleep in their own beds and STAYING there for most of the night a lot sooner. I hope this helps!

I used to be very biased against AP since I chose a method that worked great for us. Then I met a lady who was very happy with AP despite the fact that her and her husband never spent a full night in their own beds. I feel sad for those who don't get a night of uninterrupted sleep for years after having kids, especially since there are several resources to help babies establish good sleep patterns. However this mom and her husband seemed to be happy with it which I think is great if that is where they want to be in their parenting.

I have a 7,4,3 and 1 year old and have used BabyWise. I gave them all an opportunity to put themselves back to sleep when waking at night. The 1st 2 cried it out and the other 2 simply slept through the night( putting themselves back to sleep rather than me) without any crying, but just through means of putting them into a predictable routine. I have no regrets regarding this.

The method described in BabyWise is not a means of getting a baby to sleep, but a by-product of establishing good sleep habits and helping the child know they are a welcome member of the family rather than the center of the universe which really helps the siblings and husband wife relationship as well as lovingly letting the child know his needs will be met, but not to the detriment of other family members. This not only prepares them for school but future jobs, marriages, as contributers to society. One reason why I chose this method and the other parenting materials that go along with it, is because it is preparing the child for life.

There is SO MUCH more to how our kids turn out than how they sleep as babies, it is one of MANY factors as I'm sure you know. BabyWise is the 1st book in a wonderful series of parenting materials that we are using. Parenting is a big job and there are lots of helpful resources out there. Take a look at the ultimate goal for you child, which is hard to invision when you are changing diapers all day, but realize what you do now has an impact on where you are going in your parenting. If what you are doing now leads you where you ultimately want to go, take confidence in where you are going as you lead the way.

E.,
I've used both methods with each of my children.

With my oldest, who is 7 I used the cry it out method. It worked and I can't say that I regret it. It certainly wasn't easy, but it did work pretty fast and it stuck.

With my 18 month old, I tried the cry it out method and he NEVER stopped crying and I felt like I was doing more harm than good. We did co-sleeping for quite a while, but it was driving my husband crazy.

I should also note that I was not able to nurse my oldest, but I nursed my 18 month old until he was 11 months. My youngest hated his crib. He rarely slept more than 4 hours at a time in it and woke in screaming fits. At 13-14 months he figured out how to climb out of it so we moved him to the bottom bunk of our daughters bunk bed. In about a week he was sleeping through the night - FINALLY!

I don't regret either method. My husband begs to differ, but he wasn't the one nursing a baby in the middle of the night after an exhausting day! :)

Hi Eleanore ~

I have three boys ages 10, 4 and 1 year. My 10 year old has a different dad than the other two. With him we had his own room and a crib, etc. I still could not let him "cry it out" though. And often times I had him in bed with us. My younger two are quite attached to me. Everyone laughs and calls them Mama's Boys. I am ok with that. They are both confident and boisterous. All three of them have developed at their own pace and have totally different personalities. Even with raising them similarly. Not one of them slept through the night well until age 2 years. So what....I got to hold them and nurture them and take care of their needs until they were ready to be on their own. My 10 year old wanted to be in his own room from 2 years on. He liked being the "big boy". My 4 year old also loved it. Now he is back in our room at times on a make-shift bed on the floor. But little brother is in with us. So that makes sense to me. He goes back and forth and that is fine. He will find his way as he is ready. Our littlest one was in our bed with us until about 7 months. Then we tried the crib, which is in our room. He is in the crib at the beginning of the night. This gives us several hours of consecutive sleep. Then at some point between 3-4am he wakes and ends up with us the rest of the night.

This was long and I apologize for that. But I guess I just don't necessarily agree with the cry it out theory. All children are individuals with differing needs. They each find their way with our guidance and nurturing. But when they are tiny, they totally need Mom (and Dad) to show them that it everything is ok. We have to give up something to be parents in the beginning. And if it is sleep for a bit...so be it.
You can tell the difference between cries for help, cries for food, cries for sleep, etc. very early on. When they are needing you....simply go to them and take care of them.
There is no such thing as spoling a baby. When they are 2 years and can understand and begin to see reason...then spoiling can occur. Simply learn and grow with you children. They can teach you as much as you think you can teach them...and more. Love them, nurture them and guide them.
Thanks for asking. I am interested to see answers to this as well. Take care.

I just read a few of the answers. I have to say that I am in agreement with the Mom who said that the kids will make their needs known. Just pay attention. I guess that was where I was trying to go, too. I am just a bit more long-winded. (:
Enjoy every moment with your little one. They grow quickly and you want to capture each and every moment in your memories!!

I have to say for my family cry it out does not work at all. I have had my children sleep with us and it has helped. On askdoctorsears.com there is some good research information against the cry it out approach. I can't remember if it is under colicky babies or what but it is a good place to look.