Anyone Knows of a Good Book or Video for the Separation for Preschool???

I'm sorry but the advice that was written regarding it being a "good" thing for your your baby who is 2 1/2 to be separated from you is nauseating. What have we women come to? Use your good sense and ask yourself if you'd like to be left in a day care at that age without your mother. In answer to your question, there is no good way for easing separation anxiety with your boy, he is too young. Stay with him and be his mother. Read a bit about stages of developement and you will understand that until the age of 5 they don't understand because they aren't developmentally capable.

If you are looking for support on this, you will get it from mothers who do the same with their children and leave them to be raised by someone other than themselves. Follow your heart and do what is best for your child. You are his mother and he needs you! No other person can replace you.

Embrace being a mother which is a gift from God!

The kissing hand is a great book. I am not sure who it is by, but it comes with little stickers at the end. I am sure you can find it on amazon.

Good Luck

Sounds like he is not ready. 2.5 is very young to start preschool. Enroll in a nice mommy & me class, you'll both enjoy it.

Dear H.,

I'm so sorry that I don't have more help for you - I am past this point in my life. My children are 19, 17, and 15 - I am the one now having separation anxiety, but I think it's now called "empty nest syndrome" (=

The only thing I can think of is a video we loved when our kids were little, called Baby Songs. One of the songs on it was Mommy Comes Back. The video showed Mommy(s) dropping Baby(s) off at different places and then coming back at the end of the day (or whatever).

Good luck! It's heartbreaking to see them scared like this.

B.

Hi H.,

After having worked with kids for over 20 yrs., having 6 brothers, and two kids of my own I can say that it is my belief that kids typically under 3 or 4 are just not ready to be seperated from their folks for longer than maybe an hour or so (and at that, ideally with another caregiver/preferably close friend or family member that is very familar). I think that at that age it is really natural for kids to want and need to be near one parent at least for most of the day. I honestly belief that a 2 year old kid does not need to go to school by himself to start to learn the transitional skills. If there is a way you can do a mommy and me school (parks and recreation/colleges) that is a beautiful way to have them gain 'independance' while you are still there. I did this with my son at 2.5 yrs. and would leave the room for just 5 minutes, then at the age of 3.5 he was ready to have school on a very part-time basis. Such is not always possible, but it is really an unsafe feeling for many young kids to have to be seperated before they are naturally ready. Also, there might be something he is trying to tell you about where is was left and doesn't have the words to say it. Best of luck.

I think that 2.5 is still very young to be away from the parent and home for more than a few hours. I wouldn't force something that he is clearly not ready for at this time.

N.

Hi H.,
I am a preschool teacher with about 10 years experience and I have to say I know what a time you are going through. I have a few thoughts for you to ponder...maybe they will help. Often times I have had first time children come the first day or week or even 2 weeks and everything is fine. Then one day, out of no where they have a meltdown. Sometimes for a few days. So, we tell our parents to always say goodbye and you'll be back for them later and to let the teacher know when you are leaving. I so often hear myself say to the parent.."let me know when you are ready to go mom" and we do an exchange if there is some kind of clinging or screaming after mom.

This helps with the child seeing mom leave and knowing that the school is taking care of child, especially at such a transition.

Perhaps at home the night before you create a school ritual...which outfit do you want to wear tomorrow, this or this? What would you like in your lunch...yogurt or cheese bits? And has anyone mentioned the book called the Kissing Hand? by Audrey Penn I believe? Great book for this kind of situation.

I suggest you take a few minutes to talk with teacher and or director on how they have dealt with this issue in the past. I know they probably have plenty of experience with your kind of transition.

Best wishes to you and your child! I believe if the child knows you are comfortable with leaving him there, he will be comfortable too. He needs to know you trust where he is at too! And kids can really pick our vibe.

And really, the tears you may see when you leave only last a few minutes. Or they should only last a few minutes. Sometimes parents will give a call in like half and hour or so to see if child settled down. It makes them feel better, after dropping them off with tears and crying. Maybe you could try that. Also, when you say goodbye you need to mean it. It may help to say I will be leaving in about 3 minutes...ok 1 more minute than mommy has to go. And then tell the teacher you are leaving, give kisses and hugs and go ahead and leave with smiles for your child.

I am running out the door but wanted to give two book suggestions. One is called The Kissing Hand and the other is How do Dinosaurs go to school. I will try and give some other suggestions when I have more time to respond:-)

Good Luck
Light
M.

How about How do Dinosaurs Go to School?

Hi H.,

Sorry to hear that your son is having a hard time transitioning into preschool. It is a trying time for little ones who aren't sure of exactly what is going on. They seem to have a difficult time with change, which is completly normal.

I am a full time student at a University and am thankful that my school offers daycare that is ran more like a preschool than anything else. I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter who has been in this program since she was 21 months old and loves it. The first day, which was an orientation day, she walked right in and acted like she owned the place. The first day of regular class, she clung onto me so tight that I was almost late for class. This continued for the first week and the degree of her being upset decreased the following week, until finally she was just fine with staying at "school".

The biggest piece of advice that I can give is when you drop him off, make sure you give him a kiss and a hug and tell him that you will be back shortly to get him. Then leave!! Don't hang around. If you act like you are going to stay when he begins to cry, then he will continue to cry every time you leave. Just remember he won't (or shouldn't) cry the entire time he is there. Most of the time the tears only last a few minutes, then they get distracted by something and forget that they were ever upset. Then when you do come back, he will be very excited to see you, and want to tell you everything that he did.

I wasn't originally an advocate for daycare or preschool until my daughter started going. Now, I recommend it to everyone. Just make sure that the "teachers" at the school are supportive and help you and your son with the emotions of the seperation when you drop him off. I really hope it helps. Good luck!!

L.

Are you doing preschool for him or you? Is it preschool or daycare? The reason for these questions are try a co-op preschool. It is a great opportunity for your child to transition to preschool and you get to be a part of it also. The best part is when you are not working at the school you know that other parents are there. It is a great way to be a part of their education and give them time without you too!

Maybe he's not ready. from what I understand, boys usually have a harder time being away from Mommy. Maybe he needs Mommy for a while longer.

A book called "The KIssing Hand" talks about the first day of school and a special way to remember Mom when you miss her while at school. It is a very beautiful story and my two boys loved it and we have used it as a reminder when they have a hard time saying goodbye at drop off.

Hi H.,

I am a mother of four children. I agree with many of the ideas and suggestions mentioned here. I did want to share a little bit with you too though. When my youngest was 3.5, I took her to preschool program. (She was familiar with going to childcare programs since she was little. She was happy at first---she had been begging to go to the big girl school. I figured that she was plenty old enough and seldom ever had issues seperating from me when I dropped her off at "school". But, after three to five times of attending the program, she started having seperation issues...and never wanted to go to school. Part of it was that the teachers never interacted with the children, they just stood around and observed, but never interacted. That was in May when I started taking her, so, that summer, i thought maybe she would be better if her older brother went to school with her. That did not help. He did not want to go there either. The reason I am telling you this story is that you need to make sure that you feel comfortable with the program, and your child feels comfortable with the program. I felt ok about this school in the beginning, but as I observed the teachers, I realized that they seldom ever interacted with the children. They only talked to them if they needed to tell them something. A teacher even was supervising these young children and was reading a book! I did try and have my children explain to me what they didnt like about the school....they could not explain it to me...., but after two months of that school, I took them out. I realized that they could not explain that they are being neglected...hard to put words to that even, for an 8 year old. They were not abused, but just not being treated like a little person was uncomfortable to them.
The main point of what I have written is that you need make sure that you are comfortable with leaving your child and that your child is ready. I also would not talk about him needing to go to big boy school...the more you talk about it, the more of an issue it may become. Also, as long as you feel comfortable and know that your child is being well taken care of, and if you need to leave, just do it. My son cried every single day when I dropped him to home daycare, until the last two weeks of school. those tears were only for me...he would always stop after two or three minutes! But, he did it every day for nearly an entire school year. finally, I got smart and asked him, "do you want to have a happy good bye or a sad goodbye?" That was when he realized that it could be happy..and of course when he had a happy one, we talked about it and complimented him about it. so, he had it all figured out the last two weeks of school....then after summer, we had to start all over again! LOl

Best of luck for you and your son,
T.

Hi -- in my experience, when I sent my daughter to camp at 4 (even after 2 years of pre-school) it was extremely overwhelming for her. There is a huge amount of activity at camp -- much more so than at pre-school, which is very structured and keeps the kids in a very controlled environment. She found the noise and activity scary and confusing, but she adjusted over time. (But she was a year and a half older than our son.) If he hasn't been to pre-school yet, camp may just be too overwhelming and you may want to wait until the fall and put him in a really good pre-school/daycare program.

I think his reaction is more then normal. Sounds like in the past everytime you've left him with people he knows and has developed a trust. I think it is unreasonable to expect a 2 year old to stay and feel safe with strangers. You staying close can help, but a 2 year old does not understand that you are not really gone. Maybe allowing him to bring a security blanket, or something he usually sleeps with (stuffed animal), might make him feel safe. It is also too many days apart (twice a week?)for him to have developed any kind of relationship with any one person at camp. If he were going everyday day it might have been easier for him to gravitate towards someone. I think you are expecting a bit much for a 2 year old in a short amount of time. Him being clingy towards you is just a sign of him needing to feel safe. Just be sensitive to his needs and respect and acknowledge his fears and concerns.

Hi H.,
I agree that the book, The Kissing Hand, is a great one. I think there is also another good one called something like, In My Heart, or In Your Heart. My own children started preschool at age 13 months. I currently run a pre-school program for 2, 3, & 4 year olds and can tell you that, if you're open to it, one of the best things to do is create consistency. I know you are wanting to only transition him, slowly, into the preschool process; however, if he is having a tough time, the consistency of going every day of the work week will better allow the teacher(s) to gain his trust more quickly. We've got a handful of kids in the same position, some of whom don't even speak any English, so have a language barrier on top of things. Since they've begun to come daily, we've noticed great progress. This process can take a week, or a month, or, sometimes, even more, depending on the child and the preschool. The other thing I've recommended to these families of ours is to praise their children for ANY amount of time they stay without us having to call the parent/nanny/grandma in. Each day these children stay a little longer, cry a little less, and begin to engage a little more. They want that positive encouragement and if they know they are getting high-fives (so-to-speak) for going, they may want to go more. Also, have you asked the director of your preschool? I know with our non-English speaking boy, I email a daily progress report to the parents, providing them with what I see and experience with their son. In just one week of daily attendance, we've seen great growth.
I know this is lengthy, but hope it helps. You do know your son and he is blessed to have such a wonderful, loving mommy. Feel free to ask further if you have any other questions.
L. A. =0)

Hi H., I think 2.5 is to young for pre school, just my personal opinion. I attended mommy & me classes with my two sons, one was 3 and the other was two, but I was there, my boys were not intersted in regular preschool so i didn't push it, and they did great with kendergaten being away from me, my daughter how ever wanted to go to pre school, we were living in Japan at the time, but they had a pre school on the base where we lived, she went there at ages 3-4,. J.

The Kissing Hand-book
My Mommy Comes Back-video my boys love this one. Good luck.

http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Songs-Original-Hap-Palmer/dp/B...

Edited to say - 2 hrs/2 days a week sounds sensible to me! I was afraid it was much longer. Now I'm cool with it. My apologies for making you feel bad. That was not my intention.

Another great book - OWL BABIES by Martin Waddell. It's much shorter and easier to understand than the KISSING HAND.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm in complete agreement with Stacey R & Juliet L. 2.5 is too young. He's showing you that. Throwing a fit for 3+ days is the only way he knows how to communicate his sadness and unhappiness about it. Reading him the Kissing Hand (a great book) won't help at this point. He won't understand why he is being left behind in a "fun" day camp. It's not fun for him. Around 3-5 most children are ready for preschool. At that age (2-3) I was in a mommy & me type class that met once a week for 3 hours. Most of the children (that age) needed their mom in the room with them. A few months later (much closer to 3 as they matured and were more secure in themselves) were ready to be dropped off in a preschool class.

Of course his clinginess now is a very normal and typical reaction to his fear of being left behind again. He doesn't want to let you out of his sight. He doesn't "need" to go to school by himself. You want him to. You don't need to send him to run errands. Just take him with you. Give him a little board book or a toy to play with while he is in the shopping cart.

And a word of caution with the summer day camps...I have an 8 yr old son and 4 yr old daughter. When my daughter was born, I put my son in a summer camp. He didn't want to go, but didn't fight it. He's been in a summer camp for 3 years. This year he vetoed it. We tried a bunch (and 1 was great, most were mediocre - either the adults were so-so or the program wasn't what I expected, or he was just too young for it). For months, he was telling me NO WAY MOM, I'm NOT DOING ANY SUMMER CAMPS this summer. I was warned by a friend to save my big bucks for when they are older, otherwise they get burnt out on it. (He did a great half day Lego building camp for a week last summer. That was wonderful, but he said "nah, I already did that.)

I cringe now that I put my then 4 yr old son in a drop off day camp. (His awesome, half-day, parent co-op preschool was one thing, this full day day camp wasn't so great. He told me he didn't want to stay, I insisted. At the time, I thought I needed a break because I had a little baby. What I should have done was not push him away and insisted that we all play, bond together.) Now, I would not dream of putting my daughter in ANY of the day camps he tried. She wouldn't know a soul and it would just hurt her. (She loves preschool though. She started official preschool at the age of 3 years, 3 months. Dropping her off was never a problem. She had one friend in the class and made more.)

My suggestion on what to do is pull him out. He doesn't need it and it's not good for him right now. If he is distressed during class, he is not learning or playing, so why is he there again? Wait a few months and try again when he's mature.

Or maybe it's the day camp/program itself. Other programs (Montessori) do start young and know how to handle it. But overall, my vote is to wait.

Yes, "The Kissing Hand" is an excellent book. It is a classic. I read that to my girl and she LOVED it. I read it to her all the time before she started preschool.

Also though, there will be up's and down's. NO child is going to be in the same mood or same emotional levels everyday... thus, do expect and "allow" for days when he is not as "strong" about it or confident. He will be clingier on some days, and on others he won't. Some children simply take longer to adjust to separation. (my sister is one of them. She is the type that just does NOT adjust to "change" very well. And she expressed herself like your son as well, but she was also shy).

In any case... I have also heard that sometimes, boys take longer than girls to "mature" emotionally... and thus, some put boys into daycare/preschool at a later age. But that is what I have heard/read online.

One thing though, boys need to "know" that it is OKAY to have feelings and to feel insecure sometimes. This will lead to communication skills and bonding with the parent(s) later in age... when you will WANT your son to communicate and express himself with you. So, starting at this young tender age... encourage him... allow him to talk openly about things & feelings, and this also give a child "confidence" in articulating themselves, and in their emotional "trust."

Before you know it, he will be fine. All kids go through this... just be there for him. Some say to just "ignore" the clingyness and then say a quick good-bye and leave. If a child "knows" you are anxious about it, they will be too. This is a "new" environment for him AND social structure/routine. And there are "rules" that are new to him, and new habits to learn. It's not just about playing and hanging out.

Also though, ask and see what your son says... if he "fears" anything etc. or if he does not like anything at the school or if anything "happened"? How are the other kids in his class??? Sometimes too, not all children will be "nice" types... some are even pushy and rude and "bullying." Yes, even at this young age. In my daughter's class for example, there were about 3 kids that just were NOT nice and bullies and "teased" others. They caused problems for the other kids. Also make sure that the "teacher" is a good fit for your boy... and that you agree with their "discipline" or not. Are they nurturing and attentive and well versed about child development & issues? HOW do they handle it? Ask the teacher about your son... how is he once you leave? What problems are there if any? Is he integrating well? Is he making friends? Is he a loner? Does he follow direction well and cooperate? Is he stressed? etc.

Going to school is a real "milestone" in a child's life... at this age of 2.5 years old... they are a toddler... not yet a "big" child. SO do keep in mind that they will STILL have "baby" like regressions perhaps, and at this age they are STILL developing emotions too.

Parents either just drop-off and then leave their child quickly... and some stay and wait and hang out to "watch" their child. My daughter's preschool teachers always said that this just prolongs the "anguish" and separation for the child and makes them clingier.

If there is anything else in his life that could be causing stress or any other major changes, this could be a part of it too.

It will get better though. Each child is different and had their own pacing and adjustment. He will be fine. It's a matter of transitioning. But the general thing is, never ridicule or "scold" a child for feeling this way... or they will not feel secure.

take care,
~Susan

Hi H.! I'm in agreement with Leslie M. I think there's nothing wrong with a 2.5 year old going to school. I actually think it's important. The earlier they socialize and learn to work in a group the better. There are a couple of things I would like to add to Leslie's post.

One is that you should actually tell your son that you'll be back AND that you'll be gone even if he cries. He can spend his time crying and miserable while your gone or playing - either way, you'll be leaving. Actually TELL HIM this. It's not mean it's just matter of fact. This is what will happen. Then leave. Do NOT hesitate if he starts crying. Just go. Don't look upset even if you are. Also, when you read him your new books. Just read the book. Don't make a big deal out of you leaving and making sure that he knows you'll be back and a big fat hoopla. Just, again, matter of fact. Tell him you're leaving and that you'll be back. Then be back when you say. That pattern will help more than anything. You can't be upset or he'll be upset.

Another thing is that you may want to check that this particular place is right for him. If he's crying the entire time they aren't handling him properly. It really isn't that hard to get a child interested in something after a few minutes when mom leaves. Make sure they are doing everything they can to support you. Have a little game plan worked out. They can't cave in to his crying just as you can't. They shouldn't call you to come back. It's teaching him bad behavior.

It is a goal of mine as a mother to have a child that feels safe and secure with me, yet has independence. There's nothing wrong with your child having some independence in a safe environment at 2.5. Good luck!

There are plenty of children's books but I can't give you titles off the top of my head. Having gone through that and now they are 6 and 10, I do know that there are a few things we can do as mothers. One, is to be calm and completely assured that this is the right course ourselves. They read our stress (of course, hard to do when they are stressed, we feel stress too!). Two, sometimes the switch in routines is very hard on some kids. In other words it is better for some to go 5 days a week for 2-3 hours, then 2 full days. Use positive reinforcement about being a big boy (if that works) and how proud you are of him, etc. Is there one teacher/counselor that can help with the transition when you get there?

All my best, G.

I was a pre-school teacher for about 14 years and I have seen this many times before . Some children are just not ready for school without mommy . I hated in the past to see the kids suffer . I myself am a parent now and have been in mommy and me classes since my first was born . If you are able to I would just enroll yourselves in a mommy and me class for now . Before you know it he'll be off to school(more mature and ready to accept it) when he's 5 . They are going through so many changes at this age it's so nice for them to know they have the security of mommy or daddy there. Good Luck

He's only 2.5 years young. He's not ready to for this. Every child is different and I believe you should observe his behavior as just not being ready to go to camp yet. I may be old fashioned, but I would never leave my 2.5 year old to go to camp. In my opinion, home is the best school ever.

If you need a break, send him to family members or close friends.

It sounds to me like he's not ready for separation yet. The first day he got an idea of what separation was like and although he was happy that day, he decided that one day of separation was enough. He's is communicating with you in the only way he knows. Children are wise, especially when it comes to their own person. They just don't know exactly how to get their needs communicated to you. When my child communicates with me in the best way he knows, I listen. I don't want that delicate trust between mother and child to be broken, plus I want what is best for my child.

Your child is telling you something. Are you listening?

If you're a stay at home mom, I'd take him out and wait until he's older to start school. I've never seen the point in starting a child that young in school unless you absolutely have to (if you're working).
If you do have to leave him there, just talk to his teacher and see what she suggests. She may have some ideas that you haven't thought of. She can work with you closely on what to do with him at home, when you drop him off, and when you pick him up to make things go more smoothly. Good luck! :)

Hi H.,
I'm personally past the point of my own children doing this (they are teenagers now), but I have been a pre- school teacher for 10 years now. What I usually tell my parents when their children have anxiety about being in school is to talk to them about how much fun school is, how great of a time they will have and smile... A LOT! If your child senses anxiety with YOU, he will feed on it. I say... Smile at him, be excited and then LEAVE. If he knows you are there, he will continue to pitch a fit. Reassure him that you will come back to get him, this can be a source of anxiety also. And when you come to get him, come in with a smile and be excited, saying things like "Wow, I bet you had so much fun!” One problem might be that he is in school only 2 days a week, therefore, the time he has at home is greater and he has more time to mull it over about leaving you / you leaving him. Usually the first 2 weeks is the worst, but this is based on a 5-day a week program. It will take time to adjust, but most kids do. Honestly, the only students that I have had that did not adjust were the children of the parents that worried too much and didn't listen to me. As a last resort, I have shared this antic dote of my son, who, when he was 3 and in school at the center I worked in, screamed every day when I dropped him off. It broke my heart to hear him cry and cling to me. Finally his teacher told me to hang around the outside of the door after I dropped him off to hear how long he cried. It was for all of 5 minutes. Basically when he realized I wasn't going to come running back to him he went and played. His fit was all for my benifit because he saw the reaction I had to it and loved the attention I gave him when he was upset. Once I realized this, I gave him possitive attention in a different way. Instead of "Oh my poor baby, you are so upset", it became "Wow you are such a big boy! I am so proud of you!" You wont be a bad parent for leaving your child. You are actually a good one for teaching him to be independent. Good Luck!!
T.

A good book that worked well for my daughter is "I'll Always Come Back" by Steve Metzger. Unfortunately it looks like it may be out of print, but maybe the library has it? If you don't find it and still would like a copy, let me know. My daughter is 8 now and I could probably sneak it out of her bookshelf without her noticing. I'd be happy to send it to you!

Good luck and definitely trust yourself on this. You do know your child best and I know my own daughter (also an only) thrived by being around other kids (and frankly, away from me!) and is now a very well-adjusted, independent, "plays well with others" kind of kid.

There is a book called the Kissing Hand... written by Audrey Penn. My sister used it with my nieces when they went to school. It is a beautiful story about a little raccoon who is experiencing some separation anxiety.

Best of luck!