Any Advice on Living in Peace with Parents

I know how you feel, I'm also 23 and my bf, daughter and I live with my parents. They drive me crazy, and are always trying to tell me how to raise my baby. I'm still looking for a job but my mom will watch the baby for a whole 10 mins while I take a shower and will watch her if we go out (which has been....maybe 4 times in 7 months) the way she talks you'd think I just pawned my kid off on her all the time. I feed her, bathe her, dress her, change her, run after her and stop her from getting into stuff, clean up after her...do everythng a mom does and the same thing a mom would do if she didnt live with her parents and hardly ever ask my mom for help but if I do then she makes it sound like shes always taking care of her!
She always tells people "shes such a good baby, but her mom doesnt thing so" I have never said dd was a bad baby, and I want to cry everytime she says it. Shes so critical and doesnt realise that things have changed since I was a baby.....Anyway I'm going off in my own vent, Just try to ignore her, you are doing the best you can, dont let her put you down. If you need anyone to talk to email me ____@____.com

Hi R.. I really feel for your situation, as I have lived with my mom as an adult both before and after becoming a single mom myself- it's never easy!!! It sounds like your mom may be having a hard time with this situation- possiblly sub-consciousely turning her own insecurities out on you. My ex-husband always liked to play the "...she never does that we me" game regarding our daughter as a way to feel better about himself and to undermine my self esteem- whether it was deliberate or unconscious on his parft, I honsetly don't know. This story might give you a chuckle- one time when she was a toddler, I was playing with her. She got a little over-excited and punched me kind of hard. Immediately, he started in with "I don't know why she hits you all the time,... she never does that with me!" As if on cue, she toddled over and socked him in the stomach as hard as whe could!!! I couldn't help laughing!

Your mom is probably worried about you,your dad, and your baby, stressed out from baby sitting and taking care of your dad. She may be placing unrealistic expectations on herself because she wants to take care of everything for everyone and she can't do it all. It may be that rather than admitting that to herself, it's easier to just blame things on you. She may be saying things her mother used to say to her. I know there are no easy answers or simple solutions right now and it's all very overwhelming. And you probably don't have much time to sit down and calmly discuss these issues because your dad and the baby are always there, and you're busy with work and school. This may sound silly since you live in the same house, but maybe thinking or writing things out on your own when either of you have time and giving each other notes or e-mailing each other could help with communication.

However, it may be time to consider getting help from social services so you can get your own place. Whether she means well or not, if your mom is undermining your self esteem she's not helping you or your baby.

These are just my thoughts and suggestions, certainly not gospel. If you'd like to chat more feel free to visit my website; jenniferfriedmanlifecoach.vpweb.com. Don't worry about the posted fee- we can work something out.

Hope this note helps.

-J.

Are you on any Child Care help? I know a lot of ppl dont like to be on Welfare but sometimes they do come in handy when you need help. Get hold of them and try to get an apt. of your own and they will help with child care. I am a stay-at-home mom of 2 and work weekends, I babysit for a friend so if you need a babysitter give me a holler: ____@____.com

Hi R.,
Situations like yours can definitely be tough, my two children and I moved in with my mom and the four siblings that still live at home ranging in age from 6-14 at the time when I separated from my husband. The house is big and I grew up with a house full of foster kids so luckily I was used to sharing space and we made the best of it. We did it for 3 months until the adjoining apartment to the house was available for me and the kids to move into. We didn't have too tough of a time, but in situations like those you're bound to have things be tense at some point. I'm lucky that my mom is pretty much my best friend so that definitely makes it a bit easier, but we didn't go without disagreements. I definitely recommend keeping the communications lines as open as possible. If or when either of you is uncomfortable about something try to find the best way to discuss it without being offensive or hurtful or anything. I imagine it can be tough for a mom to sit back and watch her baby all grown up and raising a baby of her own and sometimes in trying to be helpful I don't think it's always understood how it makes you feel. Your daughter is still young and for that matter you are too (me too, i'm almost 27 but had my daughter when i was going on 23 and then my son right after that), as young moms, finishing school, working, raising children we are definitely just discovering what we're made of! You'll figure it out- you're family! I hope things get easier for you. If you ever wanna talk drop me an email. (____@____.com)

Hey there! I'm sorry to hear about you and your mother and the arguing. I was 21 when I had my first child. My mother and I were always at each other's throats. It's VERY TAXING on the soul for sure. I had just finished college too. However helpful parents may be...it's best just to get out of there. Do it on your own. It's empowering! Remember you are not the ONLY single working parent out there. There are institutions that can help you. Do some research. For example you should look into subsidized housing. I couldn't have lived without that for the first couple of years of my newborns life. I looked for and found another stay at home mother who babysat from her home and I took up a job being a BUS driver so that I could be with him as much as possible. I rarely went out but that's the sacrifice that you make when you have children. It's not forever. I'm 29 and I have two boys 8 and 4 and I go out once a year. The rest of the time we take them with us. Music festivals...camping...it's great.
I just think that your mom might want you to be more responsible. It's not her child. She raised you already. She probably just wants to "retire"...be Grandma...occasionally. If you are still living at home then you'll have to expect to be treated like an irresponsible child. You're a mom now and you don't need her negativity. All that does is lower your self-esteem. And it will be reflected onto your child. As far as DAD goes...you should find him for a couple of reasons...one)CHILD SUPPORT--health insurance, two) you guys could share your time with your child...and then you can take turns going out once in a while. After all it is his child too. He has a right to know...and he should be responsible as well. Not to mention--aunts and uncles make wonderful occasional babysitters! I live 2 & 1/2 hours away from our closest relative and that is rough sometimes but...where there's a WILL there's a WAY. Don't give up before you've even truly begun. You CAN DO IT!! Let us know how it turns out. Good luck!
Peace

you know, i went through the same thing when my son was born. i was married but that didn't work out, so i moved back home a few months before my son was born... i didn't have a choice, and i can tell ya that me and my mom didn't really get along, then of course, my dad and my brother and sister got on my case about everything too.. i worked and went to school while i lived there, and i couldn't afford to pay her, and she did in home day care for a living so i know i was making it h*** o* her! I dont really have any advise other than make the best of it. i was fortunate and found someone and we eventually moved in together, but i don't suggest doing that just to move out :) when me and my parents dont live together, we get along great, even though my mom makes comments about how my son acts, so i know she thinks i don't watch over him like she would. he's gonna be 4, he needs to explore and find things out on his own (within reason....) just finish school and you take care of your baby, and unless you ask for help or an opinion, just let it go in one ear and out the other! and as far as finding his father, its worth a try but don't get your hopes up! if you find him, just let him know, and let him decided, but then again, unless a DNA proves it, if he's not on the birth certificate, it would be hard to get any back child support from him!! good luck :)

Dear R., I read your request and felt very bad because of the situation that you are in. It is your resposability to take care of you and your child. You Mother and Father are letting you live in there house and you need to respect and appreciate them and what they are doing for you both. I think you need to sit down and come up with a set of rules. It sounds to me like your mom resents you for some reason. And you don't want to take that out on your child. Always, do your own dished, laundry, picking up after you and your child, etc. Speak to your mother about telling you how to mother your child with her comments about....she does not do that when I am watching her. She had her chance to be a mother, now she needs to leave it up to you to do the best that you can because none of us are perfect.

Keep looking for the father of your child, someday she will want to meet him.

Good luck, S.

Try talking to her and explain, calmly, and respectfully, how you feel. Tell her she has been putting too much pressure on you. If she won't sit and talk, write her a note, or send her an email, if she has email.

I had to live with my mom for a while with my oldest son. My mom hates doing housework, so I took over doing that and taking all of the laundry to the laundromat, b/c she doesn't like doing that either. The laundromat is no fun with a week's worth of laundry and a little one, but it's doable. My point is that you need to help out as much as possible with the house, before you are asked to, and then she'll have a lot less to harp on you about. I understand that you are very busy. I had a full-time job 45 minutes away from my house, and I took my grandmother to the market or bank or just out a couple times a week. The washer, dryer, and the dishwasher can be run at night, in fact I did most of the housework after I got home from work and put my son to bed. Definitely go talk to the Department of Social Services, they can help you locate the father and get you set up with financial help and child support. Once you get moved out, see if your mom will trade a couple days of babysitting for housework done or errands run. That will cut down on expenses, and DSS will pay for you to have a sitter so you can go to work. Albany Med should have a list of moms' groups, you could join just to socialize or to look for a sitter. Also see if Early Head Start has any openings. It's a good program and it should be free for you, usually 8am-2pm.
That said, Have faith in yourself. You managed to graduate college and hold down a job. You are doing the best you can for your family, you just don't have the information you need. You can handle this. Make a list of what you need to get, to do, etc, and take it one thing at a time. Set up a budget, find a job that pays better or has better hours, whatever you need to get on your feet. You can do this. Good luck.

Hi R.! Just wanted to offer some support and say congratulations for graduating college after having a baby! You and your mother are just stressed and you will get through it. She is doing her part by providing you and your daughter with shelter and food and the rest (she is probably thinking) is up to you. Sorry if that sounds harsh. You are young and you have a lot on your plate right now. It's normal to lose your patience quicker when you feel stressed. By talking to your Mom about the situation I think you would ease the tension between you and in turn feel less stressed.(hopefully!) Also, I think you should absolutely keep looking for your daughter's father. A relationship with her Daddy would be wonderful thing if he is a responsible person but in the least you need the child support money. If her father was a regular part of her life you would have one more person to help you with babysitting issues as well as money and some of the pressure would be taken off of you and your mother. My daughter simply adores her father. Without him I would not be able to get out of the house without my daughter hardly at all!

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. It is such an awesome responsibilty and can be physically and emotionally draining. Just do the best you can and know that it will get easier as your child grows more independent. Think of how hard it was when she was a newborn and how overwhelming that stage of life was! You made it through that and you will make it through this too. Soon you will be in your own apartment with your little girl and the world will be a brighter place. Good luck to you.

D.

She's your Mom..talk to her.
Tell her you love her and don't want to be arguing all ther time,don't be defensive. Just ask her what she thinks would make things better, then go from there. You're lucky to have them there to help, and your Mom may be feeling stressed too so keep that in mind. As for going out ,except for hospital stays, I haven't been anywhere without at least one child in 8 years , lol. A lot of us don't have sitters, and it makes things tough sometimes. But it's part of the choice we made when we got pregnant, and I'll bet if you ask your Mom that's how she sees it. Keep in mind there was a time when women really didn't have the option of doing what you are doing. It wasn't so long ago that it was family or education and carreer, not both.
If you both find a way to respect each other you can get through this.

It is likely that you will not be able to live in peace with your parents and your baby, and that is no body's fault. Somehow that is just the way it is.
Daycare assistance is available to you through the county no matter where you live. And at 23, with a year old and a job, maybe it is time you considered striking out on your own.
Call social services and talk to a worker. I am sure you will be suprized at the help that is available to you.
As far as babysitting, I understand completely how frustrating it can be to not be able to take a nice long shower, or anything else for that matter that takes up more than a few minutes of your time. But get a playpen, and put her in it once in awhile with some toys and juice, and let her wait for you while you take care of business.
I have a couple good friends who will watch my som if we want to go out for a movie or something, but in turn I watch their kids for a few hours here and there too. Do you have any other mom friends?
Also, remember that toting her along to the store, the gas station, and everywhere else is kinda a part of mothering, and having your mom watch her while you do things is a convienence, not a necessity.
Just do your best, and try to get something going for yourself.

I too live with my mother. 1st of all you laid down and created the baby. 2nd your mother needs to realize kids are always better for others than their parents. 3rd do the chores regardless of what your mother says