22 1/2 Wks Prego and My Fiance Left Me

It's completely normal to feel confused, alone, and frustrated by the situation. And it's also normal to be extremely angry with him, given the situation. Hating him is not going to solve anything, though. You have to do what is best for you and your daughter and the baby on the way. I am going through a situation too where my kid's dad is not really around. And really what it comes down to is that the choices I make, like the choices you make, are the ones that count. If he wants to be involved in the child's life, let him, for your child's sake. And right now it's so fresh that you may just be making decisions based on your hurt feelings. Take a minute to really think about the situation minus the hurt. And as far as the apartment and bills, you do have a couple of choices. You can move back in with your mom, you can find a job that may pay those expenses, or you can stay at home with your children. This is something you are going to have to do on your own. There are many agencies that can help you as far as food, healthcare, etc no matter what you decide to do. Expect him to pay child support once the baby is born, but don't really expect much more from him. You can ask him to help you, but I wouldn't count on that to be more than occasional help. You can do this, and it's great that your mom is willing to help you. The best you can do is move forward and do what's best for you and especially for your children.

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Hi K., I am so sorry this happened to you! I am sending you hugs ((((hug))). I agree that he should not be allowed in the room if you don't want him there. You need supportive people who love you in the room with you, and that obviously is not him. Same goes with dr. appts. If you don't want him there just don't tell him when the appts are. He will, however, have rights to the baby. And I think the child should have its father in his/her life. Also, I am sure your 4 year old will want to see him too. She won't understand what is happening and I'm sure she views him as daddy.

Move back in with your mom. Save every penny. Get a job if you can once the new baby is old enough. I would look into what you have to do to get child support. Do that now. I am married and never had to do that so I don't know what all it entales, but I am sure you can get a free consultation with an attorney and he can advise you what to do to get child support. There is a great webite on Yahoo Groups called "freecycle". Join, it is a great way to get all kinds of free stuff (if you need things for the new baby). People give away baby clothes, cribs, bassinettes etc. If you are a member of a church, let them know what happened. They might be able to help you financially or with baby items. Whatever you do, know that you are not alone! What this man did to you was horrible. Any man who walks out on their family is NOT a man at all!

If you get enough child support, perhaps you can get a small apartment or even get a roommate to split expenses. I am sure other mothers out there are in the same boat as you, and perhaps you can get a place with another single mother and one can watch the kids while the other works and vice versa.

I will be praying for you. And try to take it easy. Stress is not good for a pregnancy. Good luck to you!

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If I found myself in that situation, I would completely base all of my decisions on my own end, and leave him out of the plans as far as what to do financially. You're right in thinking he should help out with the bills on the apartment still, but since what he does or doesn't do is out of your control, you might as well figure out what you need to do without playing the "shoulda woulda" game. If you can't afford the apartment, I would go in and talk with the manager and explain the situation. You never know, they may have compassion for you and let you get out of the lease. When you move in with your mom, and get back to work, try to make a budget for yourself with how much you need to save each month to be able to get your own place. Since you're a single mother, start looking into government help. A lot of times you can qualify to get help on rent. It would just be temporary until you get back on your feet, but it would be a place to start.

As far as the delivery and doctor's appointments go, as hard as it may be, you have to look at it differently. I know it would be really hard to have him there when you have so much animosity about his selfish decision of leaving you during this time, but he is still the baby's father and has a right to be there if he chooses to. I think the worst thing you could do now is to start conflicts with him. YOu definitely want the father and child to have a good relationship, and for that to happen, you guys will need to set aside your differences for the child's sake. It's very hard on children when their parents don't get along. It makes them feel like they're in a tug of war and then you have them feeling guilt about who they're away from when they're at the other parent's house. I come from a divorced family and my parents can't stand each other. When I was growing up, it was really hard. I felt like I was betraying my mom if I was having a lot of fun at my dad's house and she was home alone, and when I was at my mom's house I felt an enormous amount of guilt that my dad was at his house alone. If you can set aside your differences now, it would be a great way to begin a healthy relationship with the father of your child, and that relationship will continue into the future. As far as your first child, it would be a good idea to ask him if he's planning on continuing the fatherly relationship with her so you know now and don't have any expectations that you may have fall short. If he chooses to not have a relationship with her (shame on him), it's just going to be something that you accept for what it is and try your best to explain it to your daughter in terms that a 4 year old can understand, but not put the blame on themselves over. No matter what, it will be hard on your daughter, but you can do what you can to make sure she knows it isn't her fault and really let her know how many people love her. Maybe on weekends when the baby goes to visit him, you could schedule something special with your daughter, like an overnight visit with grandma and grandpa or maybe take her someplace special of her choice.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. When the decision is made for the mother to stay at home, there's a trust that the woman puts in the man that he's going to take care of her. When that trust is broken and you're left alone with no job it is terrifying. But be strong and have faith that you did just fine when you worked and you will be just fine again. You can do this. Lots of women do this, and try to keep that in mind when you feel scared.

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I fully empathize with you. If I were you I would not allow him anywhere near you or your four-year-old. Just banish him. We banished our daughter's boyfriend in a very similar situation as yours. She did too. She was pregnant. He came running back and begged to marry her. They've been married for about nine years.

It is sad that society, led by the women's "liberation" movement, has bred the idea that men and fathers are not necessary. Because of this men no longer feel it their duty of honor to marry and stand by their wives during child-rearing. Women should be saying "no" to sex before marriage like they did for centuries, but that's not going to happen.

There were reasons that for century upon century those traditions were in place.

Best of luck to you.

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I am so sorry that this has happened to you. But I feel that you are 100% right that you don't need a man that doesn't love you.

My advice is that you should move in with your mom and learn to budget, save, and do it on your own. You cannot depend on a man who would leave his pregnant gf to be responsible to pay the bills. He is obviously being selfish and you can't depend on him to be responsible for anything.

As far as the baby goes, he has rights as the father to have visits and whatnot. However, I think you can say who goes in the C Section room with you. Personally, I would not want him there either. In my opinion, he gave up that priviledge when he walked out. Just as long as he knows where you stand and what you want before it becomes an issue at the hospital.

Don't worry...you can do it alone. It might be lonely and you may have to work very hard, but it's all about the kids, and they are worth it. My mom raised two girls when my dad walked out and even though it was hard and she worked alot and we didn't have much, we had a good childhood and are so close today.

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Boy do I feel your pain K.! My husband of almost ten years just left me for another woman. I am 24 weeks pregnant and we have a 7 yr. old as well. I was told that due to HIPPA laws that we,as patients are protected as to who is with us in the delivery room. I am meeting with an attorney this week to find out more. I have felt so alone in all of this. We have debit and a house. Not sure how it is all going to work out,but we are strong woman and we will come out on top!!!! Hang in there!!

Gosh! Hugs and prayers to you! In a perfect world, this wouldn't be happening. But we all know this is quite an imperfect world.

Paying the bills and paying child support are two different things. He absolutely needs to pay child support. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you didn't want to be a stay-at-home mom, then you shouldn't have let him talk you into it a year ago. So, whether or not it's the "right thing to do" or what you would like him to do, don't expect him to pay any bills or rent at the apartment. Move back into your mother's house ASAP so you can try to better manage expenses.

RE: Doctor appointments & C-section
Being pregnant and being stressed are two things that don't go together well. If you don't want him at the appointments or in the room for the c-section, then tell him. (Don't tell him it's because you're so mad at him and hate him that you could spit; tell him the whole situation is stressing you out, that's not good for the baby, and that's your focus - making sure the baby is delivered and is healthy.) Keep in mind he has every right to at least be at the hospital for the birth, because he is the father.

The best thing you're doing is sorting a lot of this out now and trying to develop a plan of action. That means you are awesome!! Keep your eyes and ears open for opportunity, and you'll be surprised at how it'll beat down the door. You are right - better to find out now about this stuff now than later. You are so going to recover and be such a Supermom!!!

For what it's worth - and good luck!!!

What i'm going to say maybe harsh, K.; but it will be some true hard facts of life that you need to hear. First of all, K.; who's name is on the contract for the apartment? If it is both of you, then he is liable for his share of the rent. Next, go to the landlord & explain that he has walked out & that you don't have a job & won't be able to get a job until after the baby is born. Tell the landlord where he can find the ex; give him phone & work address if necessary. Then go to workforce developement or welfare & see what they can do for you. If you even think that because of the pain that this man has given you, that you won't love the baby enough; consider giving this baby up for adoption. This man set you up to take a big fall & left you when you needed him most; at the end of a pregancy!!! Slap him with a lawsuit for child support & the payment of the bills until you can go back to work. Let's face it, he abused you, girl! Got your preggers; then laughed & left. He is not adult enough or secure enough in himself to be there for you & probably not for any female. There are organizations out there that can help you with some of the things that you will need like the Crisis Pegancy Center of Indiana. There are other Pro-life organizations out there that can help. Your doctor's office should have this information & if you are a church goer, they will have this info as well.

Yes, it might be bad to move back the mom's; but she loves you enough to help you get back on your feet & become a productive person again.

K.:

I am happy 2 hear that u have family nearby to help. TAKE THEM UP ON IT & FORGET HIM!
I too was left while I was pregnant. You can do this alone, it will just be more challenging. I don't have any family in the area & have relied very heavily on the babysitter. Thank God she's very available to me. I have had to work extra hours to make ends meet (which I'm still not able to do).
But anytime the father does come around (which isn't that often) he just creates stress. I'm not doing this or that right, my house is too dirty, whatever... He constantly critizes & does nothing to help. He hasn't given me one penny this entire year.
I could go on but you get the picture. My point is that while it's stressful to do this alone-- it's more stressful when he's around. I love my daughter w/all my heart & have so much fun with her. I think that if he were around more, she would just be witness to lots of arguing and probably would not be the happy child that she is. Put all your energy into your children and yourself and the rest will come. Appreciate that you have a mother able & willing to take you all in. Lean on her. It does take a village to do this and that village usually consists of us women.

You have my prayers.
No, I would not allow him to come to the doctor's appointments, nor would I allow him in the delivery room, in fact I would request he stay away period and then name him as the father on the birth certificate and fight him for child support of his child to be paid through the courts. I would not argue with him, beg him, or take his opinion or feelings into consideration again.
Love is a difficult emotion to describe and understand. I love many people but am not "in love" with them.
Your daughter is feeling rejected as well as you.
If the lease on the apartment is in your name then you will probably have to break it and yes, probably have to move in with your mother until you can get subsidized housing for you and your children. There are not many employers out there who will hire you while you are pregnant. You need to get yourself to the local FSSA office and file for assistance for your children immediately if you have not all ready done so.
This just confirms the need for that little piece of paper called a marriage certificate. He might have walked out on you, your daughter, and the new baby but he would have had legal obligations defended in a court of law to continue supporting you until the divorice was completed and child support would not have been as big a gamble as it is now.
Please while getting your life back in order for yourself and your children do not allow anyone to convince you to do anything like "be a stay at home mom" no matter how badly you want to be home with your children. Develope a backbone and do not put your neck under anyone else's foot again.
I will pray for you and your children.

Men are just weird sometimes, maybe he got scarred or maybe he did fall out of love for you but who knows. I had a similar situation happen to me, we had our daughter and right after her 1st b-day and 5mths before our wedding date, he decided he couldn't be a husband or full-time dad! It was really hard, especially the feeling of rejection. At that time I had just thankfully gotten a good job, but had to move back into my dads house, which was a hard thing to do at that point in my life. I just think sometimes we have to be the bigger person, I debated on telling him when my daughter had doc appointments etc. but it was really eating away at me, the way I was acting immature and I just had to tell myself to be the better person and move on. Today i'm so thankful for not being with him, because I'm with my wonderful husband and we have a baby on the way also.....and my ex and I were just not a good fit! So keep your chin up, god has a plan for all our lives and i'm sure, even though its tough it will all work out in the end!

Hey K.,

I'm so so sorry for you -- that is _incredibly_ hard. For your sake, I'd say to not ask for another dime from the jerk and just cut him out of your life. But you have kids, and that makes everything different. You would totally be better off without him, but the statistics for kids of single moms are not in your favor. They need a father, and for their sake I'd suck it up and let him be as involved in their lives as he is willing to be. If you get your revenge by keeping him from seeing your kids' big moments and just being a part of their lives, you're really punishing your kids. If he's moving out, he should probably be required to pay some sort of child support for your littlest one. But in any case, just focus on providing a safe and secure home for your kids and you may just come out of this for the better.

Take care, K.

K.,

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a blaring red sign he has met someone else. It is not uncommon for some guys who are weak people emotionally to cheat when their gf/wife is pregnant. I read your earlier post asking for advice on why you don't feel sexual and his frustration with this. Please take this to heart, it is not your fault at all. Katherine O. gave you some excellent advice along with others here so use it. Whether or not he comes home or even comes to the Dr. appts is irrelevant. When the baby is born let him pursue visitation if he wants but make sure you get the ball rolling on child support now! These things can take months especially if he decides to fight it. As far as the rest of the pregnancy goes I would move back with your mom if you can and stay away from anything negative or stressful until after the baby comes. Right now is the time to focus on your daughter and your pregnancy. In fact, Find a neutral person in the meantime to be the buffer, someone he can call if he needs to speak to you or leave a message about finances and leftover apartment issues. You don't need the stress right now and he really did the worst thing imaginable...he abandoned his pregnant wife and stepdaughter. Left you without means to support yourself and his unborn child. That is pretty low in my book. So, start making plans, stop waiting for him to come back, and stop communicating with him in the meantime and move on. I know it is easier said than done...and I speak from experience on this:) I am so sorry this has happened to you...just know many of us out there have experienced this and we survived it. So can you.

R.

As far as the bills are concerned, try as you might you can't make him pay. I would ask him to help you out for the sake of your kids, but who knows.
And the delivery is your call!!!! If you think having him there will make it a hostile environment don't let him be there. It's a horribly difficult time and the last thing you need is anything that will stress you out. You have every right to be hurt and a little mad, but just remember that you guys are going to be in each other's lives for at least the next 18 years, so try to be as mature about everything as possible (easier said than done, I know).
Just to let you know I can't tell you how much I admire you that you don't want him to be with you if he doesn't love you. So many women (and men) would rather be with someone no matter what rather than be alone. You sound strong as hell and I truly do admire you.
Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi K.,
You are a trooper. I don't think I could written this message based on the type of day you were having. Be encouraged. Now is not the time to be a supermom. Feel free to rely on others to get you through. Take advantage of your support system and other aides availabe to you. At this point he has shown you the inner person and what his heart is made of. When the going got tough he got going. He is not a trooper nor a man. You are right in thinking to be better off without him. The truth is you are not alone. History does repeat itself and possibly he has done this before. Just remember this time when he comes crawling back to you. Stay positive and around people who love you. You are not the first nor will you be the last. This type of thing happens to us women all the time. We just have to remain true to ourselves and not give up our dreams for anyone. I wish you many blessings and my prayers are with you. You will be just fine with or without him.

F. Kent
Empowering young minds through achievement and Success
Miss Black Ohio 1997

K.,
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I have had a similar experience so I know how you feel.
First of all, I would definitely move back in with your mom. She can help you until the baby is born and then help you get back on your feet afterwards.
I would go to your landlord and explain the situation to him. When this happened to me, my apartment complex told me that I had to pay the rent until they found someone else to rent it and I was able to get out of the whole lease with only paying a few months rent. They even let me make payments on the additional rent I owed since I couldn't pay the whole amount at once. Hopefully your landlord will let you do the same. Your ex definitely needs to pay the bills until you can get out of the lease.
You also need to make sure you go after him for child support. Do you get child support for your older child? If not then you should be getting child support for both of your children.
Good luck! You can get through this situation. Just focus on your children and everything will work out.

many blessings & good luck to yall! if it helps any, the contact number for Indianapolis Legal Aid Society is ###-###-####. they have lawyers on hand to help you with any aspect of the child support process

Your baby is a blessing from God, and don't allow anything going on around you to steal that joy from you. Move in with Mom. There is nothing greater than having Grandma around your children to lend a hand and give support to you (I lost my Mom in Feb. this year)! He should definitely have to pay child support. Talk it over with him. If he balks at the notion (would you be surprised if he didn't?), let him know you will be filing for child support. He has been Daddy to your daughter and is Daddy to the baby that will be brought into this world. Legally, he is responsible. That doesn't mean you have to stay at home forever, though. I am a stay-at-home mom, and my husband works full time; but I am the nursery director at our church part time, and I plan on getting a part-time job after my youngest starts school next year. You could still get a job, maybe just part time if you wanted. I wouldn't wait around on that check every month. You can't totally depend on someone else to support your family; but he should not be allowed to just walk away from his family as if it never happened, either. I'll be praying for your situation. God bless!

AWWW K., I am so sorry for you. Especially at a time like this. I know what you are going through. I am a previous single mother of 2 and there are times I think my husband and i aren't going to make it and it scares me to do it again (even though I know I can). You are right about this needing to be a happy, relaxed time for you and your children! But don't make any decisions at this very moment. My advice is deal with the loss of him first and then move on to the next decision. I might agree to not let him in the delivery room, etc. He made his choice, but give it some thought. Living at your mom's may not be a first choie, but it will give you time to regroup and get back on your feet. Just remember, it is only temporary and be thankful it is an option!
Good Luck to you!!

K. ,
your in a tough spot. Sadly he is probably just scared of the added responsabilities of another child and the way the economy is people are doing all kinds of crazy things.
Can you get a subsidised apartment and help from the Dept. of human services ? I would definatly try before you decide to move in with your Mom. He will have to give you child support when the baby is born. You two really need to talk without argueing and make a peaceful transition.I doubt any one would hire you half way through your pregnancy so do please get help.The sooner the better.Do you have any income as child support for your other child ? If not apply for it. It's going to be rough, but you can do it with help .Hold your head up high and do what is best for you and your babies.

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through! I can appreciate your feelings when it comes to not wanting him in the delivery room or at the doctors appts. I think that you should do what is best for you and your baby. What ever is going to keep things the most calm for you and your little one. You both are the most important thing right now! You do not need to be stressed out. It is not good for you or the baby.

As far as being a stay at home mom. Maybe you could try to work from home. I am currently working from home and if that is something that interests you than I would be happy to tell you my situation. It may be for you and may not. If you would like to get more info about working from home you can go to my website at www.ChangingFamiliesLives.com. I wish you well! Goodluck :)

First, is he on your lease? He can't move out and leave you with the whole rent and bills if he's on the lease, nor do you have to pay to break the lease on your own.
Second, if he wants to be part of the child's life, I think he should be at the birth. It's not just about your relationship with the father, it's about your child's relationship with it's father.
Third, if you don't see working things out, then counseling with him probably won't help, but maybe you could get counseling on your own to help come to terms with it all, and so you don't feel as much anger toward him.
Fourth, there's nothing more empowering than giving birth. I don't know your reasons for a scheduled section, but if you are interested in VBAC, I suggest you seek out an ICAN chapter for support. You can find out more at www.ICAN.org

Good Luck:)

cut your losses and move on. Be the best mom that you can be to your almost 4 year old, and the blessing that is about to come. Do what you have to be to be ok with yourself; be it move in with your mom, go back to school. Rethink what you really want out of life for you AND for your babies, and then go after it! If he wants to be a part of your children's lives, it's ok...it doesn't mean that he has to be a part of yours. God bless.

Dear, dear K., my heart goes out to you and I am praying now for your peace and guidance. I say, that you take control over whatever you can and do not leave room for continued hurt, pain and dissapointment. Move in with your mother...NOW!! Prevent any financial wounds. I hate to be the lawyer that I am, but he will have to pay for the baby, etc. with child support payments. You will eventually need to take that route as well. Meanwhile, as you pack, thank the Lord for the blessings He has given you in your children and supportive mother.

Ouch! I'm really sorry to hear about what happened.
Can I just say, though, that what you are going through with the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" thing is so common in the stage you are at in your relationship. A really big percentage of marriages break up during the 5th year. In my own marriage (just celebrated #8), I can say that the 5th year was awful, the 6th tolerable, and the 7th and 8th had their ups and downs. I hate to say it, but sometimes the Happily Ever After doesn't come easy. It takes determination and sometimes just sticking it out when you don't really want to. But I can say from the experience of my last couple years that when you stick it out, it gets better. But it might take a few years. Don't throw away what you have, because you might be doomed to live it again with the next guy you find (a relationship will go through the same stages no matter who you are with). You might as well try to stick it out until you come out on the other side. Love is so much more of a commitment than a feeling. Talk things through with him one more time, decide together what you want to do. Realize that how he is feeling is NORMAL (don't just assume he's found another girl). Don't condemn him for it. Try to find out what you can do to help him.
If he's not willing to give things another go, or you aren't, do what you need to do to survive. He's obviously a decent guy, given that he's raised a child not his own and is supporting you while you stay at home with her (not all guys are willing to do that), so don't screw him over by not letting him get involved with his child on the way. At least let him see the baby while you are in recovery if you don't want him in the room while you have the c-section. And please let him have his visitation rights. But do set up your child support, as the others have mentioned. Any try not to make your children feel disloyal to you by loving their dad. (I felt that way growing up, even though my parents were on pretty good terms with each other.)
Sigh...life and love are so much harder than we think...
God give you strength as you work this out.
J.