Help with Young Adult!

Hello L.,

I am 24 years old, married, and have two daughters...three years and 18 months, am paying bills, and rent. I think $50 and a few chores is a tiny price to pay for what she's getting. I mean...she gets the comfort of home, doesn't have to buy groceries, pay the electric and all other bills, and has the freedom to concentrate on school and work without any major additional responsibility (kids, mortgage, keeping a marriage healthy).

If anything you are helping her build character and learn a little responsibility. I wish my father forced me to save money when I was young. Granted I got married and moved out when I was 20 but I could have used the extra cash.

As far as her room goes...just close the door. That's what my dad did. If I needed clean clothes that was my problem! It's hard to keep it clean when you are running around in the morning getting ready for school or work. I was the exact same way. My room looked like a laundromat exploded. It should go away once she has her own place.

When it comes to other chores...that may take some convincing. Try asking nicely and explaining that you need a little help.

As far as her wanting to escape on the weekends...I think it would be reasonable for her to leave one or two weekends a month. It's not fair to ask her to totally give up all her friends. But she should know that trips like that cost money which she should be saving! Maybe you all can work out some sort of deal. Let's face it, if she doesn't learn to save money now she never will.

Want an example? My brother and his wife are $30,000 in debt because they would rather have taken trips and spent money on things they didn't need rather than putting it in the bank. Of course it doesn't help that his wife is allergic to work.

I could go on and on with other examples for you but I won't.

You need to be firm with her, she needs to learn how the real world works.

Sorry this was so long. I really hope things work out for you. Send a message if you need to talk more.

1 mom found this helpful

I think you are awesome! Letting her move back in was a good move but definitely have her do her share of the work. And asking for money is a great idea.
I know that she probably hates the idea of giving you her hard earned money but hey she would have to pay a lot more money if she wass on her own.

1 mom found this helpful

i moved back home with my parents after dropping out of college and moving in with an abusive guy... my parents didn't charge me rent and my room was constantly a mess. they never really expected me to do any housework, either (well, they may expected it, but it didn't get done). I feel so AWFULLY bad now about it. I was never disrespectful, but looking back, i took such advantage of them.
charge your daughter the rent. if she doesn't start becoming more responsible now, she will end up in her 30's with no skills, no money, no future.
believe me, i know. i'm still terrible with money, i'm NOT a good housekeeper, and if i hadn't gotten married, i'd probably still be living with my parents. i'm not proud of myself, that's for sure.

1 mom found this helpful

Honestly, I think that if you wanted her to either pay you rent or help out around the house, you should have had a conversation with her up front about what would happen when she moved back home. I am 22, married, have a 3 month old, and before my daughter and while I was pregnant, I held down a job while going to college full-time. It is tiring and stressful to work and go to school. While I completely agree that she needs to be more responsible and help out around the house, I can understand her need to be a young woman and enjoy her free time. Maybe think about that a little when you're talking with her about picking up after herself and contributing to the household, either financially or with chores.

1 mom found this helpful

I think you're being very reasonable with the $50 a paycheck rent and her throwing a fit is just her way of getting what she wants.

At 28 and just now getting out of debt I put myself into in college, I could only have wished my parents wouldve stepped in and told me what to do a little more financially and stressed the importance of saving and staying away from credit cards!!!

No matter how she acts about it now, about 6 years from now when she is out on her own and totally independent she'll most likely completely understand!

I do not, however, and never did think that parents should have a say in how clean you keep your room, since it is the only place in the house where you get to live independently and do what you want. Unless it affects the rest of your house, I wouldn't worry about it, but I wouldnt clean up after her either. Leaving messes in communal spaces is a different story and I feel that leaving messes for other people is a respect issue.

Hope I helped even if just a little.

1 mom found this helpful

$50 is completely reasonable. As is requiring her to help out. If you don't hold her accountable, what lesson are you teaching her? Something that really works to get their attention when they are leaving things all over the place is to get yourself a box. Put everything you would pick up and put away, in the box. Don't tell her. Just wait for the "hey mom, have you seen my...?" You might try charging her the $50 to get her stuff back. If she lived on her own and had a maid, she would have to pay them, right? She'll be a bear for awhile, but I'll bet she gets the hint.

1 mom found this helpful

Hey I am 20 years old, and I live with my parents. I have to pay $200 a month to live here. That doesn't include when I have to chip in for gas money when my dad has to take me places, or buy my own food when I can't or don't want what they are eating for dinner. I do have my room a mess at times, but I usually get it cleaned at least once a week. They do include my cable and internet in that $200, but that is only because it keeps me busy and out of their way (until I get my daughter back but that's a whole different story). Which by the way they have made me go give plasma several times to pay for my own lawyer to get my daughter back. So you see I can see where you are coming from. Don't let her keep mooching of you and taking advantage of you like that. Granted, I do have some freebies around here, but they aren't really free because in turn I have a lot of things that I have to do to pay for them around the house, such as babysitting my nephew for free, helping with feeding the dogs and taking them out to use the restroom and on walks, do my own laundry, etc. We have a chore list here and everyone rotates on chores, unless it is a certain assigned chore. Like my brother has the trash, my sister has the dishes, and I have to sweep and mop the kitchen and living room floors. Sometimes I have to run errands for my grandmother also. So it isn't just free living here. Everyone has chores, everyone who is 18 and older pays rent, and everyone no matter how old they are does chores (cept my grandmother, cuz she's crippled).

Technically, since she hasn't payed you a dime to live there, you can boot her out immediately. But if she payed you for let's say one week, then she has til the end of the week to move out. I would give her the ultimative: Start taking responsibilty on your part and paying your rent money, or get the hell out. Give her say, one week. And keep a copy of a paper with yours and your husbands signature saying she has to move (an eviction notice), show it to her, and tell her that if she doesn't straighten up within a week then she gets a copy of it. My parents threatened me with an eviction noticed a few times when I wasn't behaving or taking responsibility and it got me to straigten up. Well, there you have it. Feel free to message me anytime.

1 mom found this helpful

I am 22 years old and I think asking for 50 is NOT out of order. She needs to know she's an adult now. My husband and I lived with my parents for 3 months when we were buying a house about a year ago and although they wouldn't take anything from us financially we did do LOTS of chores and things around the house. We were there and we knew we had to help with things. If she moves out, she'll learn $50 was NOTHING!!

For some reason your story just tickles me...I am 23 years old, I have a husband, daughter, a home, 2 cars, bills...a huge amount of responsibility.

I take care of my home the same as you do...and rest assure my mother isn't at my house cleaning up after me and my family. It is just interesting to think of someone babying me.

I think you are being kinda soft on your daughter. I understand letting her move back in, but I would think that a conversation should take place...outlining how you live and expect her to live. She should be helping around the house, and if she has $$ to go away for the weekend then she needs to save that money and get her own place.

Also she may have no incentive to get her own place...Think about it...you pay the bills, she probably eats your food, she uses your laundry detergent....etc. Life is easy at your house--so why would she want to put forth the extra effort to do it on her own. I also just read that you have had empty nest syndrome...this complicates things because now you are used to her being a thome again...

L. you are very reasonable...i have a son that age and Im sure she is trying real hard in school and working too. My theroy is with my kids this..as long as they are in school and or working and Im a stay at home mom then i will clean up everything except thier rooms...thats thier job. Tell her that she either does a few chores around the house like picking up after herself or 50 dollars every paycheck..tell her to choose one or the other.

My dad kicked me out when I was 19...and ever since I have been on my on, paying all my own bills, taking care of my son without any other financial help from anyone. If I need help I can always ask him, and he will help me out with paying for my school books sometimes if I can't swing it, but the rent, car payment, internet, cell phone, the entire shootin match is all on me. I don't get child support either.
I got my first job on a farm when I was 14 working summers and weekends for extra money, spent a year working as a dishwasher too, waitressing, whatever I could do for my own cash. My dad always taught us if you want things in life you have to work for it. I have two brothers and a sister and we had a monthly schedule of who did what chores on each day; from who had to wash dishes to who had to feed and water the pets. No allowance- his theory is and always has been "these are the things we do as a family to help each other, you don't get money for that, it's what you should be doing". He had money too, but that was completely beside the point...he worked for it and the kids have to as well.
So, if she doesn't want to work with you as a family and help out, earn her keep and pay her rent, kick her out and let her learn the hard way. It's made me a much stronger, much more responsible person. I have no debt, a nice car that is paid off, a very clean apartment, and am finsihing school slowly but surely. I can't buy a house just yet, but that will come in it's own time. For now I am in great shape and I owe it to my dad for teaching me how!!

You are more then right for asking for compensation from your 23 year old daughter. You are doing HER a favor by allowing her to live with YOU...NOT the other way around!!!!

Sit down with your daughter and explain that she is no longer a child and you are NOT her personal servents and there are certain things expexted of her. She will clean up after herself, she will help with dishes and chores around the house, she will put aside $100.00 per paycheck in a savings account to go toward future moving expenses AND she will give you $50.00 for room and board per paycheck. If she is living with you her expenses are almost nil and this will be a good way for you to help her be accountable to herself and to others.

She will throw a fit...who wouldn't in her place...she has been allowed to go back and pretend she is a child with no responsibities and all the "perks" of being an adult. Tell her that if she is not happy with this arrangement then she has 2 weeks to find another place to live. You are not a flop house and you have taken it too long. Remind her how much you love her and that you want whats best for her...not what is easiest. When she gets her next paycheck if she doesn't abide by the agreement then you as a parent will have to be tough and set her things outside or in the garage. It is not easy and at first she will be mad...but if you allow her to continue to take advantage of you "just" because she is your daughter then you will do her and yourselves a disservice. She is too old to be this disrespectful to the people who have loved her and cared for her all of her life...

Let me ask you this...would you accept this sort of behavior from a stranger off the street...?

I put myself through school while raising 4 children and married. We lived on my student loans as I couldn't work much because of school and the need to study. Maybe your daughter needs to sit down with someone...a financial counselor at school perhaps and go over a budget...it sounds as if she may have her priorities abit confused...

Just be honest with her and remember no-one likes it when the gravey train comes to an end...but you need to demand the respect that you have earning in all the years that you have loved and cared for your child...and it's time she woke up to what it is to be an adult.

Good Luck!!!