Anxiety and School Shooting Fears

WELCOME TO MAMAPEDIA!!!! It's great that you found this site....and asking such an interesting first question!!

I'm sorry. Your daughter actually needs new friends. This high-drama "friend" is NOT helping your daughter.

what would I do? I would send my child to school. As a matter of fact, I would call my child's therapist and explain what happened to him/her BEFORE school so the therapist could walk you through this.

I might take my child to school and IN FRONT OF HER - talk with the principal about what she heard. Have the principal take action as well. Maybe this kid DOES need help. Who knows!? Why wait? Be proactive.
Show your daughter that YOU feel it's safe enough to take her to school AND to speak up about the boy.

You MUST reiterate to the principal that your daughter did NOT hear him say it. It's second hand. However, after calling the child's mom that told your daughter this, you got this information (and tell him/her what the drama queen's mama said after SHE spoke to her daughter).

What I would HOPE would happen??? That the principal would pull the boy in question from class and have him talk with a counselor. Then check his locker and bags. Then notify his parents - NOT YOUR JOB - unless you know the boy and his parents....

If you allow your daughter to stay home, you are playing into and validating her fears. Please call her therapist, even if he/she has to be paged.

Good luck!!

If you aren't concerned enough to contact the police about this kid then I would say you shouldn't have a problem sending your child to school.

If you are concerned and really think this is a valid threat, not just your daughter and her friend being histrionic, then I would hope you would contact the proper authorities thereby keeping all the students safe, not just your daughter.

I'd talk to your daughters therapist about it.
It's not practical to stay home.

Call the school this morning and let them know. Even if the boy is making idle threats, he should know that threats like those are taken seriously and he needs to quit running his mouth. Furthermore, the girl should be reprimanded for spreading rumors and not bringing her supposed concerns directly to school staff.

ETA: I did want to address your daughter's anxiety. I think it's wise for her to talk with a therapist that she feels comfortable with to learn to manage her stress in an approprite way.

And, as far as this whole fear of school shootings, I think that we'd all breathe easier if our campus officers were actually armed. It's time to get rid of "gun free zones" in schools. Schools should not be easy targets. Campuses should be well known to be highly protected, and not even a target of consideration for someone who is angry and mentally ill. Our courts, airports, hell, even our museums are better protected than our children when they're at school. That's wrong.

homeschooling is terrific. big HS advocate here.
homeschooling from fear is a poor decision, as are most fear-based decisions. homeschooling won't help your daughter (or you) deal with her anxiety. we are a gun-totin' society, and taking your daughter out of school won't guarantee that she's never again anywhere that a lunatic couldn't cause mayhem, and it certainly won't preclude a slew of brand new terrors.
yes, it would help if she didn't have eeky drama-filled friends, but the friend isn't the problem, and her mom (and the principal) can't fix your daughter.
i think family therapy is called for here. without knowing how severe your own anxiety is, it's hard to say just how much is your daughter's own created fears and how much she picks up on from you. that's not your fault, hon, please don't feel attacked, but anxiety is pervasive and can create a huge level of underlying toxicity even in the most happy-seeming homes. you need to get a handle on yours and that will help you help your child. i see you understand this, but you're still considering validating your daughter's fears. this is more complicated than sending her to school today or keeping her home. a kid who is genuinely afraid of being shot in her sleep needs some professional counseling and meds, and yesterday. how i would deal with this with my boys doesn't apply to your daughter because she has a completely different profile. get her the help she needs so she can face life joyfully, and even if it's not totally without fear, at least not this degree of debilitating terror.
good luck, mama.
khairete
S.

You can't live your life on "what ifs". Live on reality. However, I would definitely report what your daughter told you, including the boy's name to local authorities i.e. police, just as OnePerfectOne said. It's better to be safe than sorry, as I was taught.

It would not be a good idea to keep your daughter home from school whenever anxiety is at a high. My daughter suffers from anxiety as well, and it's an easy-out to stay home. We have to teach our children coping skills, and hiding from our fears/anxieties are not doing a service to them or us.

You asked, "What if ... " What if, what? Are you asking, what if this boy really is going to bring a gun to school? Well, that is always a possibility, but there are many, many things in this world that could happen. You can't live your life in fear. You could get hit by a car on the way to work. A plane could crash into your house or the school. You could get hit by a drunk driver. There are many, many things that could happen.

Talk to your daughter's therapist about how to respond to her when she gets upset like this. You said you discussed her anxiety and got her to bed. Is that what the therapist suggested? We all get upset from time to time and have irrational fears bother us at night. Who among us does not occasionally lose sleep because of that tape playing in our heads. My husband calls this "bedtime brain." For M. recently it was trying to remember to go over some more difficult problems with my students. We've all been there.

If one of my boys (and they are young, 5 & 8) had come to M. like this, my approach would have been very, very different from yours. We would have just told them that they had "bedtime brain," reassured them, gave them kisses and told them to go back to sleep. We would not have indulged them. Because your daughter is in therapy, you might know that our approach would not be helpful, but that is what we would have done.

Not sure what there was to be gained by calling the friend's mother. We you hoping to find out whether or not this boy really said that? I think this is one of those situations where you just have to recognize that tween girls exist in a world with lots of drama. You have to find the perfect balance between letting your daughter know that you take her seriously and recognizing that tween girls live in a world of drama.

If you do anything at all, call the school, let them know what your daughter told you, let them deal with it and let it go. Let the school do their job. There's no reason to keep your daughter home. She will be just fine.

You can't live your life in fear.

No, this is definitely a valid concern. There have been 79 school shootings since Newtown. It could easily happen. Even if this is all heresay or completely made up by the dramatic friend, I would still notify the administration so that they can look into it. You wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you didn't mention this and the kids really did come in with a gun and shoot people,

I would notify the school, and send her.
You can't let her stay home forever. What's the difference between today and tomorrow? This becomes an every day fear, and allowing her to become a shut in isn't the effective way to address it.

It's horrifying, and I would be scared too. But you just can't live your life that way.

I would have been on the phone to the high school administration instead of wasting my time asking us what to do. Now you won't notify them until this afternoon?

Any and all threats, even hearsay from a drama queen needs to be told to the school.

Let M. get this straight, you think you have a valid reason to keep your daughter home and out of harms way, but it is not big enough of a threat to keep all the other kids safe by notifying the school right away? Those two do not make sense at all.

By now you've already chosen whether to send your daughter to school. I hope you did. I also hope that the appropriate adults at school -- her teachers, the counselor for her grade, the school nurse(s) and probably whoever is head of Student Services (which in our school oversees counselors and student welfare) is already well aware that she is in treatment for anxiety. I hope that they have long been aware of this and you have long ago talked with them in person about your daughter's triggers and how to react to her if she starts to show signs of intense anxiety during the school day.

They DO all know about her anxiety and have been talked with about it, right? Because if she goes to school -- not just today, any day -- and starts to evince serious anxiety they need to realize that she's got a medical issue kicking up, and is not just being dramatic or "hormonal."

Now, as for the specific situation: Please, a thousand times please, go see the principal in person today and report what has been said about this boy. It will be kept anonymous. He may be intending nothing. But if something does happen and you had even an inkling of a hint of a whisper that he was angry and had said one word about shooting people -- imagine how you would feel, knowing that you had information that might have saved lives. Please report this. You can couch it as "this is from a girl my daughter knows whom I don't want to identify" and so on but you need to let the school know today, not in a day or a week.

And finally, this drama-queen friend needs to be separated from your child, period, for your child's own good. That is easier said than done, though. If they are good friends or even just "frenemies," you could end up making this girl seem more attractive to your child if you announce "She's bad for you!" and cut off all contact suddenly. The other girl will become forbidden fruit and will seem much more interesting to your girl.

I would start ensuring that your girl is simply otherwise occupied: "Sorry, Sally can't go to X with Jenny this weekend, we have some plans." Then DO have plans -- take your daughter to new places and do family things with her as much as you can, because she needs distraction and new experiences outside her own head and her own anxieties. And so on.

If the girls share classes: You can't do much about that but you can quietly ask the teacher(s) to ensure that your daughter and this girl are never paired on projects or in class teams for events, etc. Yes, teachers can do that, though you should ensure that your daughter does not know you've intervened behind the scenes. And if they are in something outside school together like a group or organization, you might need to reconsider that, or talk with the adult leader about keeping them from always being on the same project etc.

And social media can be a real minefield for a kid with serious anxiety. Is she on it and is that how this friend communicates with her? Do you limit or look at her social media activity? Might be a moot point if that's not really huge for her.

Your daughter needs to go to school. Hopefully you have already called the principal and discussed this with him.

Next you need have your daughter stop hanging with this drama queen girl. She's not helping your daughter. Wait. Yes she is. She's helping her live in fear, taking advantage of her and her anxiety. That is NO friend. Maybe you should ask the principal if you can switch your daughter around in classes so there is distance between them? Even if the mom is a personal friend of yours, she's not helping her daughter either by not disciplining her for not telling at teacher and spreading gossip.

Did your daughter get her anxiety from you? You are living in fear yourself. STOP IT.

Gidget has it right! WHAT IF??? What if WHAT? Anything can happen and it might not be a gun.

The boy might need help. Tell the principal. Do not keep your daughter home. Deal with the problem head on and teach her to do the same thing. Take the bull by the horns. Life isn't meant to be lived in a vacuum.

Did you already call the school and notify them? That is the appropriate and safest thing to do. Please do so this morning if you have not already - why wait until after school? It might be simple drama. Or perhaps there is an angry child in her school who really needs someone to help him deal with his anger in a safe way.

ETA: My son (3rd grade) came home from school last Wednesday and told M. that his friend J had told him another kid said he was going to bring a gun to school the next day and shoot people. DS did not know the kid's name. I asked him if J had told anyone. Yes, he said, M. (yeah had that one figured out). Anyone else? Yes, and he named another kid and a teacher. Good for J. I still immediately called the school and they had already spoken with (don't know what if anything else was done - they asked if I wanted more info and really I just wanted to know that the school was aware) all involved. Schools take these things seriously now.

Call the principal as soon as possible!! Don't wait until afternoon. No need to tell the principal who said the information. Just tell him that there are rumors going around about what the boy said. DO NOT BRUSH IT OFF AS TEEN DRAMA!! Even perceived threats need to be taken seriously.

As a teacher, I have been through so many trainings about school violence. In so many cases, it happened after someone decided a threat wasn't worth mentioning because "he/she didn't seem like the kind of kid who would." In Minnesota last year, there was a potential school attack that was thwarted because one woman reported something that just seemed a little "odd". The kid had a pretty elaborate plan that could have taken a lot of lives.

If you are that concerned about it, get on the phone and call ASAP. If you call the principal (or even police) to report the rumors, you should have no fear in sending your daughter to school. Trust M., no school official wants what happened in Washington last week to happen in their school. They will take the potential threats seriously.

I wouldn't have called the friends mom, I'd have called the school if they were available or I'd have called the police. Any threat against another person is dangerous. This girl may have been making rumors up but she might have also been repeating something that was actually said, embellished I imagine but still grounded in truth.

This boy could be totally innocent but he could be planning something too.

This mother doesn't take what your child says seriously and is probably saying your child is the one with the issues and overreacting to everything. So the mom believes her instead. I'd skip that part if I felt there was any basis in what my daughter was saying.

I'd also consider calling the dad of the boy and asking him if he even has any guns. He might not have a one.

What would I do?
I'd be on the phone to my local police department so fast your head would spin.
Don't worry the POLICE will alert the school administration.
Threats of gun violence? Skip directly to law enforcement in that O..
Call immediately.

Echoing OnePerfectOne and every other person on this board who said run, do not walk, to the authorities to report this boy, ABSOLUTELY speak up. Today. If authorities in the communities where there were school shootings that occurred been notified, perhaps those events could have been avoided.

As for your sweet daughter with anxiety issues, unfortunately, sometimes you have to let her process her fears but still go to school. I, too, tend to be an anxious person, made worse by the school shootings that have occurred, and have considered the homeschooling approach because of them.

But as to notifying the appropriate individuals, do it. Today. Both your and your daughter's identities won't be revealed.

Best

E.

M. I:

Why would you want to cause a child harm by gossip?
The child is a "loner" because he is easy prey for gossip.
Someone needs to take this child under their wing.

If you are hyper sensitive, your daughter is using you as a role model.
You need to change your approach to life and she will follow suit.

You need some assertive training classes.
This "dramatic" child needs some corrective training. Your daughter needs to find another friend.

I see a lot of drama coming from your explanation here.

Try some Co Dependency classes. www.coda.org

D.

i would take my daughter to school (at anytime before 230) and have her run in to drop stuff off. then take her home.

you say that this is the last day in the grading period. i would un enroll her now before the next grading period starts. dont know about MD but here in VA you can take a letter to the superintendent one day and take your kid out the same day. if you need homeschool help/advice id gladly answer them or steer you in the right direction.