Am I Selfish or Justified......

My friend's husband is away several days every week for work. Away so far that he couldn't come home unless it was an emergency. She stocks things in the winter in case she gets sick. Cans of soup, crackers, 7-Up, bread in the freezer for sandwiches, frozen stuff the kids can eat, etc. That way if she does get sick (or if one of the kids gets sick), she has things for herself and for her kids to eat.

I am sorry your sick. I know how you feel. It sounds like your husband is working a lot and thats hard especially when you have little ones at home. My suggestion such as it is is to not stress out over feeding the kids. They can eat cereal or peanut butter for a meal and it won't hurt them. let them have it as a picnic on the floor in front of the tv while you lay down. put them to bed early for a night so you can rest. Try not to totally blow up at your husband. Something I learned (that stuck with me lol) is the word HALT before yelling or saying something you might regret later. stop and think am I H hungry, A angry, L lonely T tired, there is no S on there but sometimes I think there should be for Sick. Sometimes all we need is someone else to step in when we are not feeling well. I hope you feel better soon.
S.

Fran,
I am sorry to hear that you are so sick. I understand where you are coming from and I do not think that you are being selfish at all. I understand that your husband has to work in order for your family to live but there are more important things than work sometimes.
I think that you need to talk to him and tell him what you told us. I think that he needs to know where you are coming from.
In my opinion he really needed to be there to help you out. He should have brought dinner home and helped with the kids, if not yesterday because it came on suddenly and he couldn't get away, but today he knew what was wrong and that you were sick so he should have at least made the effort.
I hope you feel better soon!

Yes, you are justified to be mad and as a mom it is so frustrating when you can't get the help when you desparately need it. Let some time pass before you talk to him about it. It's very fresh and you are still very affected by it. During this cool off period try to put yourself in his shoes to get some forgiveness stirring in your heart. I know it feels that you are unimportant, but he doesn't see it that way. He is taking care of you by 'bringing home the bacon'. We will never understand that perspective, but they are wired to provide and make that their priority over everything else. I'm not agreeing with it, I'm just pointing out their view. Once you feel a little less mad, I would concentrate on how you felt and what it means to you when he makes those types of decisions. Be sure to use 'I' statments and phrase things so you are not accusing him of being a bad husband or anything of the sort. Make it about your reaction to only this circumstance.

You've already gotten some great advice and wisdom from experienced moms! I'll add a few suggestions that I've found can help.

Sittercity.com first of all. When you're feeling better, check it out, interview a couple of girls in your area, have them meet you and the kids and now you have a few sitters when you're in a pinch. Try them out while you're home a few times. Call you neighbors and ask for their sitter's numbers. But, you have to have emergency backups for yourself.

This is true for your husband as well. He has to have an emergency backup for himself at work. Maybe you can bring it up to him this way - I have to have a backup for myself, so I'm going to find a few sitters that I can call on. Likewise, you have to find a backup for yourself for family emergencies.

Let your hubby know how much the sitter is going to cost so that he has something concrete to weigh it with next time :). Money talks with men. They worry about providing. They really worry about providing. And, it looks like he is probably paying child support for his 4 other children as well. That's a lot of responsibility.

Finally, find other things he can do on his schedule that will help you. Ask him to go to the store on his way home so that you are equipped for the next few days (frozen dinners, soup, juice, milk, fruit, etc). Ask him to pick up a couple of movies from Blockbuster so if you're not feeling well, you can let the kids watch them. He probably doesn't have to leave right away in the morning, so ask him to get the 6 year old off to school and take care the 2 year old so you can sleep in...etc.

I really hope you're feeling better soon!!

You poor thing. I just want you to know how much I understand and empathize. Being a stay-at-home Mom when you are sick is the WORST. SAHMs never get a sick day -- your husband can stay home sick, when he needs to, but you will never be able to. This is especially tough for those of us with no family or babysitters around. You are not being selfish. It is really, really tough to take care of a baby or toddler when you are sick. It's true that you can put on movies/tv for the kids -- but a toddler will only sit for so long before wanting/needing something from you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You need sleep and you just can't get it. I wish I had advice to give you -- but all I can say is that you are not alone. I hope you get well soon.

the Mom ES reply, I think is the best I've heard. Men really don't get it unless you SPELL every detail. But I agree about stop asking permission and do whatever it takes to take care of you! How can you take care of anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first? I was sick a week ago, posted a job on sittercity.com needing a sitter to come watch the kids while I laid in bed upstairs. I've always had good luck with this website. In minutes I had phonecalls and a wonderful woman came over and pretty much took care of me, too. Strep is serious and if you don't get your rest, it can become worse. The good news is your meds will kick in and you will feel markedly better. Tell your man EXACTLY what you want down to, "I want you to give the kids a bath...with soap..." Good luck and feel better, my dear. -R.

I know (sorta) how you feel. About 2 weeks ago I was really sick (throwing up, not able to move, etc.) I have a 3 and almost 2 year old. The day I came down with it my husband couldn't come home because he was the only one working at his store that day. (very small business. He is the manager and has 1 assistant manager.) Luckily for me the next day was his day off. I don't know exactly what your husband does, but would it be possile for him to take the 2 year old (and if the weekend 6 year old) to work with him if you really need help? My husband offered to do that. For the 2 year old he can set up a pack-N-Play in a corner or in my husband's case his office. He can check on them regularly and with a pack and play they have lots of toys, or my husband used to put a movie on our laptop for them. Since he owns his own business I thought this might be an option. It is not easy, but it is not easy being a mommy when your so sick either! Good Luck and I hope you feel better soon.

You're not being selfish. When you're sick, it is best to rest and take care of yourself so as to avoid the whole family coming down with whatever you have. But, small business owners are really feeling the economic crunch right now and he may be worried if business is slowing down, etc. I agree with the mom who said you should order in some food and hire a sitter. Is there a teenager in the area who could help? Maybe a retired lady on the block who wouldn't mind helping out? Have you considered Sitter City or any local colleges that have sitters? You would be in the house, so even if it were someone totally new to you and your kids, you could hear and see what's going on. I know it sounds like I'm giving your husband a free pass; I'm not. He should be willing to help, but maybe he has a truly good reason for putting work ahead of your needs right now and fighting while you're not feeling well won't help you a bit. I do hope you're feeling better soon.

I am sorry you are so sick! I get what you are saying because during the week I act as a single mom too because my hubby works 2nd shift! Knowing him he more then likely would not of left work unless it was a true emergency which we as moms take being so sick like that an emergency when you also have kids to take care of! So I would be upset! I really would! I would my husband does not get paid though if he leaves work or takes off like if he is sick! Only if it is a vacation day! And it has to be scheduled! I would talk to him when you are calm enough to do so, so the conversation does not turn into a fight and explain your feelings! Sometimes we have to treat these men with child gloves ya know and spell it out to them! I hope this helps and I hope you feel better soon! I am willing to help if you need anything! We have kids around the same age too! Where do you live?
S. Bailey CLD
Aurora
www.tendermomentsdoula.com

I would try not to blame your hubby or get too angry at him. It sounds like he wants to be able to help but just can't b/c of work. I'm sure he cares. I don't think you're being selfish though. That's gotta be one of the toughest things about being a mom, taking care of others when your sick. I get horrible migraines and feel the same way sometimes. Maybe you can get your husband to pick up some meals for the next few days so you have them on hand at dinner time to just heat up? Can you hire a babysitter to help out? I think it would be ok to tell your husband how you feel but not in an accusing sort of way. I'm sorry for your situation. I hope you feel better soon.

I fill your not being selfish or justified due to the fact that he should look out for your well being he should be a man a step up and take care of the family like he suppose to