Am I Being Condesending to My Mil?

Please read the following article and peruse this site:

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteris...

Sounds to me like you have a dead ringer for a narcissistic MIL. Hopefully this information will help you beat her at her own game.

Luck!
C.

I have a nightmare mil myself who does things like that and much worse than that. You were not at all condescending to her, it's amazing to me how some mils are. I hope one day you can get away from her completely, it's hard living with her, I could never live with mine. Just keep putting her in her place is all you can do, I just hope it's not too stressful for you. It's so sad mils typically are this way than not. Hang in there and I commend you for having such a cool head around her.

All I can say is life is too short to be fighting about string cheese. I understand there's a bigger issue, but I would love to have a grandparent for my son that actually cares. Appreciate your mother in law, because she obviously cares about your daughter. My mother never even asks my son if he is hungry or would like something to eat. Never has, never will.

Do stand up for yourself, but know that sometimes little ones eat a bunch of mini meals a day (grazing) rather than 3 bigger meals.

S.

You got a lot of great advice on how to handle this situation. I just wanted to share my story …When I was about 4-7 years old my grandparents lived with us. I’m now 40 but I STILL remember how very mean my grandmother was to me and my sister. In the beginning when they moved in and if we said we were hungry, they would tell us to leave them alone and get our own food. I will not get into the long list of all the mean things they said and did, but it took just a few times, and my sister and I just didn’t even like her anymore. It was shame too because it made my Mom very sad that we were not close to her Mom.

Imagine how your daughter would have felt if she went up to grandma and said “I’m hungry” and her response was “too bad” (the complete opposite of how she treats your daughter).

Be thankful you have a MIL who obviously LOVES your daughter very much. My Mom has a very close bond with my children. I turn the other cheek when she spoils them because they know the rules with me and obey them.

Your daughter is only 3 after all. I for one think that they will form a bond that will last a lifetime if you just give in to stuff like giving her string cheese. Trust me. It seems like a huge issue to you, but have a caring MIL/grandma is an even bigger plus.

I think you need your own home if you want YOUR rules to be clearer. Good luck!

You need to give the MIL a break, a little bit. It's not because it's her house and it's not because she's an in-law. It's also not because she's a grandmother.

I run a daycare and my rules are the same as yours. But I have been berated by many mothers over the phone through the years when they were calling around looking for a provider that will cater to their child's picky behaviors. A lot of people have hang ups about food and are absolutely convinced that a child should get what they want, when they want, even if it means making many meals for different people.

I've had this same type of argument with my husband through the years. My daughter has a 10 month old son and we are starting to have this argument with her. She grew up in the daycare and I don't think she ever felt deprived. But suddenly she's watching what I do from new eyes, as a mother and the person that will be raising her son when she's at work and school. Now when some child in the daycare refuses to touch any of what I've made, she argues with me about the idea that she thinks I should make that one child something special.

Not only that, but have you read any of the help my child is a picky eater threads on here? So many people are freaking out and crazy against making a child obey when it comes to food. They ask for help and they don't want to hear one single word about making a child wait until the next meal. They are convinced that their child will starve or get malnutritioned if they make them eat a variety of foods.

I will go one step further to say that I know a lot of grown ups that have said on here and in dieting forums that they don't eat vegetables, PERIOD.

For the most part, this is her house and everything is going to go her way or there will be arguments. You need to be respectful of her. She's providing you a roof over your head. This though is something you should be able to have your way. But it's really not worth all the drama.

I am guessing that you know your daughter well enough to know that the size of the bowl of cereal you gave her was likely to go to waste. I've had to get to know all my daycare children well enough to feed them the right size meal. If it's going to be a few bites, then they get a few bites. String cheese is good and healthy. Next time, give her a few bites of dry cereal, a few slices of fruit, and some string cheese, milk on the side and see how fast it goes.

You are not being condescending, however since you are living in her home that puts a whole different spin on things. I don't know the circumstances that caused you to live with her, but if it was your situation that brought you there and not hers, then I think you need to think through things a little bit more before picking battles with her. You said "I expect them to hold up the rules my husband and I set for our daughter". I agree they should try not to blatantly go against your rules however you cannot expect them to be responsible to for upholding punishments or an any way being the "bad guy". That's not their job and it's unfair to them. Grandparents are not there to supervise punishments for the grandkids. If this is a long term living arrangement I think you need to come to some sort of truce with your MIL and if you've just "laid down the law" with your daughter don't go off and leave her alone with your MIL if you think she'll disregard what you said. Take your daughter with you or send her to her room or something to keep your MIL from taking pity on your daughter and going against your wishes. Believe me, I'm the mom and I have trouble saying no to "hungry" kids, I can't imagine a grandma doing it.

Good luck,
K.

I've been there and done that. Living with the inlaws is hard. It's also h*** o* them.

I completely understand where your coming from. You are the mommy and what you say goes! End of conversation.

But, if your daughter says to grandma " grandma I'm hungry " then that will be hard for grandma to say no to her.

I tell you what this is a tough one, that you are going through.

*************************************************
living with family is hard. Because you are in her house try to keep the peace more.

I wish you the best.

If you have no other choice but to live with your MIL, then you would do well to investigate a wonderful communication technique called Non-Violent Communication. It will help you to connect more effectively to your MIL. If she believes you care about her feelings and emotional needs, she will be far more likely to be able to hear and respect your needs.

I hope you will understand that your MIL is also your daughter's grandmother, and as a granny of 4.5 years myself, I have made the amazing discovery that I love my grandson as much as I loved my own daughter. I'm grateful that my daughter and son-in-law have parenting styles compatible with mine, because I want the best, happiest, and healthiest possible life for him, and will do anything reasonable to help him achieve that. We have a very special and tender bond, which is normal and entirely appropriate, and I add a great deal of value to my grandboy's life. If I lived with him, it would be very hard for me to see his dad, my son-in-law, handle him in ways that I might find too strict or unfeeling. Fortunately, I think he's a terrific dad, so we don't have those issues. But I do see how that could be a huge problem for me if it existed.

I hope you'll consider, as best you can, that your MIL may feel similarly about her grandchild. I'm not saying you are necessarily too strict, because I have only your side of this one brief story to go on. But I have applicable questions that your request leaves unanswered: Do you have an authoritarian parenting style? Does your MIL have a different style? Does this sort of issue arise often? What is your child's side of it; was she indeed hungry? (My grandson doesn't always realize he's still hungry until 10-20 minutes after he leaves the table.)

I guess I'm wondering, being a person with an empathetic parenting style who was raised by a very strict and unbending mother, and whose live-at-home granny was my only source of tenderness, whether your MIL may have issues similar to mine. I feel genuine anguish for children who are raised "by the rules" with little concern for their emotional needs. Again, I don't know that this is your style; I am only guessing based on several statements in your request.

I'm also wondering where your husband is on the scale of "authoritarian–authoritative" parenting. Does he have any opinions on how his son should be raised, and is he willing/able to talk to his mother about your disagreements?

If my 3 yo grandson were left upset by an abrupt or even angry mom in the kitchen as she hurried off to get ready for church, if he had been presented with an all-or-nothing scenario (eat now or be hungry till after church, which is an incomprehensible stretch of time for a 3yo), if I wanted to help soothe his feelings/needs as I perceived them, being worried that his mom wouldn't, if I were afraid that his mom had little understanding of what "rules" might be reasonable and age-appropriate for a 3yo child, and if I were afraid to state my concerns because the child's mom had no room to listen to them, then I can't help but wonder if I wouldn't, at least occasionally, try to meet the child's needs (as I perceived them) without asking permission from the mom, or even in defiance of the mom.

I understand that you feel undermined in your child-rearing efforts by your MIL. It is entirely possible that she does this deliberately or thoughtlessly, and tries to "buy" your daughter's love by countermanding your reasonable decisions. Again, if she must live with you, then this is something the two of you would do well to talk through. But she may have a point that would enhance the raising of your daughter, and if your child becomes a helpless pawn in a power struggle between two important nurturers, no good can come of that for her.

So, with that possibility in mind, I think the question is of whether or not you are being condescending is possibly more important than you have considered. I hope you will listen compassionately to your MIL's point of view – she did raise the man you married. Consider her contributions to the family from the point of view of your child, who may need her sympathetic advocacy (or not – I'm not there to see the whole situation). For the sake of family peace, I hope the two of you can find a way to some agreement.

I do absolutely see your side. Your daughter was trying to get around your rule by asking grandma (standard kid behavior). It's impossible to know if your MIL heard you tell your daughter no snacks. "Condescending" is all about perception though. Even if you weren't being condescending and have a reasonable point that she is undermining your rules (with or without intent) she may perceive it that way. If you have trouble over that or some other specific rules you could try and talk to her about it calmly, maybe with your husband there. But then again if she is the passive-aggressive type it may not work. I wish I had a solution to offer you.

Hey, you answered your own question. The answer is, "she is the victim everytime she is caught doing something or confronted especially with my daughter. she tries to be my daughters mother when im a stay at home mom"

you said it, and it's true! don't let her push you around.

Lighten up. It's a tough and tense situation -- you are two grown women under one roof. Take walks. Do yoga. Work on remaining calm. Count your blessings (both your daughter and your mother in law are two of them). And let the little things go, just let them go. You will give yourself such misery and possibly illness if you take every tiny thing so seriously. Any chance you will be able to secure independent housing soon?? Best of luck to you and your wonderful family.

She is at fault here, not you--especially since she heard you tell your daughter no food until church! Sounds like she is one of those passive aggressive trouble makers who like to pick fights. You will never get her to admit she is wrong. Sounds a lot like my MIL. I have to be careful NOT to let her know that she has pushed my buttons because that is exactly what she wants. Trust me. She'll be very disappointed if you DON'T react because passive aggressive people feed on the anger of others.

I'm in the same boat as you. My mil has lived with us since 2001, due to health reasons. She is a B**CH to my oldest dd (from a previous marriage). We think its because she isn't blood related, even though she says otherwise. My middle and youngest are blood related and she treats them almost like gold. My middle child she babies all the time and now I have behavior problems with my dd. When we tell mil about the babying we get "I don't baby her!" Anytime we try to discipline her she goes running to grandma. Mil also babies youngest dd but not as much. I think part of it is because middle dd is named after mil mother. Youngest is named after mil middle name and my middle name. Of course dh& I tell her about it but it don't work. I've even mentioned her going to an assisted care facility but dh and mil are totally sent against it. Its to the point we have a family therapist coming to the house for dd's behavior. mil usually hides in her room when therapist is here. We all walk on broken glass around here too. Its gotten so bad with dd that dh is talking of moving out. I told "Like hell are you leaving me here with YOUR mother!!" Mine passed away in 2005. I'm ready to say the hell with it all and take my girls and leave them both. It seems like I'm the only one able to deal with dds w/o losing it too much.
No you are not being condesnding. If you are then so am I. Its a sad world to have ppl like this in it but, at least we know we are not the only ones going through it. As for advice I can't really help except maybe going into therapy to vent. I worked for me but b/c of insurance reasons I had to quit going. All I can say is good luck with dealing with your mil as I try to deal with mine. My dh doesn't say or do much about it. He speaks up once in awhile but, nothing of great value. Hopefully your dh does more.

Maybe you guys should move out. I could NEVER live with my MIL. But to answer your question: no, you're not being condescending. I think that if you have made a rule for your child, grandma needs to follow it. I used to deal with the same things with my own mother, and nothing would make my blood boil quicker than her overriding my authority.

It sounds like you need to sit down with hubby and MIL and communicate CLEARLY what is acceptable and what is not. Of course, it sounds like she is the kind that you cannot have adult communication with, since she plays the victim role so well. I would recommend getting out of there as soon as you are able. This is probably not a healthy situation for anyone. Good luck.

K.

NO you were not, you were 100% in the right. J.

I think they say things like that just to be irritating! Mine would do the same thing. Good for you for standing up to her. I have a hard time working up the courage.

Good luck!

First of all, you are in her house. If this is your situation and it is not going to change anytime soon , then you have to learn how to be kinder with your tone and allow for some "grandma" treatment. I loved going to my grandma's house...simply because she was all about love and treats and smiles!! This was special for me. Had I lived with her, I don't know that she would be any different. I understand your want to be respected as her mother but you are in a difficult situation and this is your life as long as you live there. I have seen your posts before and am unsure but seem to think another was related to you mil. If so, understand, she is not going to change and if this is your place to vent..perfect. Use this resource to vent and maybe speak less to her.

you need to relax...let it be..you gave me stress....poor daughter...you can have rules but well...you can also respect your mother i law...

Bravo! Keep on standing up to her! She is being extremely disrespectful to you and undermining your parenting. I have been through the wringer with my in laws with this issue and it's horrible!
Nip it in the bud now! My son picked up on my MIL's attitude toward me and started acting hatefully toward me! It took breaking contact with my in laws for 6 months to get the message across. They are now genuinely respectful and kind.

I don't care a flying fig about who's house it is........she is YOUR daughter! Your MIL had her chance to parent and now that season of her life is done. She needs to back off.

I would start looking for another place to live before she sucks the life out of your family.

Hello, I am a grandma and I would never step in and undermind what my kids and their spouses are trying to do to discipline THEIR kids. All of my kids have either lived with or stayed during vacations with their children in our home. Two months ago, my husband passed away. At that time, our oldest daughter was living with us. She was in the process of moving out. Our son asked if he and his family could move in to help with expenses on both sides. I told him that they could. Their son was in our custody for the first three years of his life. However, THEY are his parents and he is now in their custody. It is their job to raise him. I am here to help wherever I am needed in my grandkids' lives, but have to trust that their parents are capable to do the hard stuff. I have babysat all of the grandkids who live in San Diego county and still babysit a couple of them, but when the parents come, they are theirs.
My home is also the home of whomever is living here.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Buy a new house...your house...and let her live with you. The environment will somewhat change because your house, your rules. I used to live with my in laws. They are nice people, but living in different styles. You really cant expect anybody to mold into some poeple's lifestyle at the age to 20. I still have both MIL and FIL. If any should pass away, and the single one needing care, they can live with us (my husband is the only son), but in my house, therefore my rules.

I actually give you props for standing up to her. It's your house, your daughter, your rules. If you said no snack, then it should be no snack.

You did just fine. You said your mil said she was "tired of taking orders from you". Well, guess what? When it's your kid, that's what she gets. Orders from you on what she is and isn't allowed to do with YOUR child. She was undermining your rules and your authority with your child. It was disrepectful and not helpful to your overall parenting. You were right on!

Good luck though...sounds like a tough situation.
-M

I would have done exactly the same thing (and have actually). I was going to say that if they were just visiting, then you could maybe let them have a few more "liberties", shall we say, since they are grandparents. But, you said that you live with them, so there definitely needs to be a clear boundary since this is not a "once in a while" kind of thing. My MIL loves to play the victim too, so I understand and it is frustrating. I am envious of people who have such a great relationship with their MILs since I can't seem to get there with mine without giving up my principles and I'm a little stubborn when it comes to that. I think you have it a bit more difficult since you have to live there, so I would say that you have to try to find some peace there. I would also try to have these kind of conversations with MIL without your daughter in the room (easier said than done, I know). Just as your daughter doesn't need to be in the middle of Mom and Dad's fights or disagreements about parenting, she also shouldn't be in the middle of you and her grandma. This is truly a difficult situation. I don't think you were being condescending, but your MIL did and again, you have to live there. I would try to sit down and talk with her when you are both calm and little one isn't around and try to get on the same page. It may be futile, but you can then at least say you tried. Does your husband back you up on these kinds of things? It has taken awhile, but my hubby now understands my frustration (after my MIL and FIL basically overdosed my daughter on medication) and will stand behind me. Try not to put him in the middle or whine or complain a lot, but tell him how you are feeling and ask him if you should talk to her or if he wants to handle it and then support his decision. It's a tough situation for him too, I'm sure, so you're gonna have to dig down deep and be the diplomatic one! Ugh...sorry you're dealing with this. Try to keep it in perspective. This time, it was just a snack. But I do understand your concern with undermining your authority. Hang in there! Hopefully this living arrangement is temporary. In the meantime, I wish you peace. Best of luck.

I'm so sorry, I go through so much stuff with my IL's. Hopefully you can get into your own home soon.

Updated

I'm so sorry, I go through so much stuff with my IL's. Hopefully you can get into your own home soon.

Tired of taking orders: then she needs to RESPECT the boundaries.

Her house, blah blah, blah: I don't know your financial circumstances, but perhaps it's time to discuss with your husband plans to move on. BECAUSE the MIL seems to have the attitude she's gonna do what she wants to do, because you're in her house.

I have the same problem with my husband's mother. Stand your ground, put your feet down, and nip these problems in the bud. You may be living in her house, but that is YOUR child, not hers. As someone else said in this thread, she has had her chance of motherhood already, she needs to give you a chance to raise your child the way you see fit.

Some grandparents can be very bold and outrageous, and she sounds like one of them. The only good thing about what she did was at least it was cheese and not some lollipop or some sugary snack. But she still should show you some respect, because she is not teaching your child any good lessons by going behind your back and disobeying your rules.

Though annoying that she gave her string cheese she is her grandmother and just doing what grandparents do and you are living in her house regardless to what your rental agreement may be and if you look at the big picture your child was hungry and it was only string cheese.

Your daughter and MIL are building a relationship and trust in one another and eventhough it is by dyfing you I don't think you need to have a full blown confrontation. Next time you should direct your comments and questions to your child and maybe not your MIL to avoid conflict and get your point across. For example you could say to your child where did you get string cheese and when she said Grandma you should say did you tell Grandma that I told you you could not have snacks until church because you did not eat your breakfast.

It is always a slippery slop with the in-laws however, I don't think it is worth confrontations all the time over the way you want to raise you kids unless it is something more serious.

Having two grown women in one house is never an easy thing. Throw in "in law and I think it doubles the trouble. It sounds like maybe your hubby needs to have a conversation with HIS mom and let her know what you expect from your daughter and that he needs her to cooperate. Perhaps you can all sit down and set some ground rules. Truth be told, MIL comes from a generation when it was the most important thing for the kids to eat, no matter what. They are hyper sensitive to kids eating issues. Also, Daughter was a bit manipulative- typical 3yo if you ask me, (I'm sure she's a doll!!). She needs to know it is not OK to it one against another- whether it is mommy and daddy or mommy and grammy. I think I might have said it more this way "Why do you have a cheese stick? Are you supposed to have a snack?" "No Mommy, Grammy ave it to me." " Well, you know I said no. You're done with it now!" Addresses DD manipulation and MIL over stepping your rules and makes it clear your the boss. Easy for me to say when I'm not in the midst of it all, I know. I agree that the sooner you can move on the better, and I disagree that Grands should not be expected to follow the rules. They should at least refer to Mom!

I think it sounds like narcissitic behavior, too. Search out the term on the internet, may give you some insight on what to expect and how your MIL thinks. Ain't easy. Sorry she's tough for you.
:-(
jen

LOL...I can't tell you how many times I've been through this same scenario with my mom. You weren't condescending; she just had her knickers in a knot because she got caught breaking the rules. Your daughter will go along with Granny's shenanigans until she's old enough to see that your MIL is acting like a child. For my boys, this happened around middle school. By high school, my eldest was telling my mom NOT to break the rules or just simply following the house rules, regardless of what my mom said.

My experience with both my mom, my dad and my in-laws is that they want to be seen as "cool," or "fun," and just plain "not in to the rules." This works out great for run-of-the-mill events, but every now and again, I've had to put my foot down and say no to something because I KNEW they wouldn't support my rules. This set my mom off like a bottle rocket; the rest of the grandparents caught on to the limits.

So, hold your ground. Trust me, if you give an inch, she'll take the whole bloody planet.

Good luck,
Steph :)

I would be super tense in this living situation as well. However, it sounds to me like both you and your MIL could have handled this better. I hope you can get out soon, and maybe salvage your relationship.

Hi J.-I read some of the comments but not all.... so I hope Im not repeating to much... I dont think you are out of line to teach your child responsibilites. The situation is tough in the sense when you live at your inlaws house they still want to play the role of grandparents and spoil the kids, and for that she needs to be commended. They dont want to be the disciplinary. I think that is true when the grandparents watch kids full time when the parents have to work. But as a parent we still need to enforce the rules and teach our children. Your MIL needs to understand that, and that she can still spoil HER grandchild but something needs to be worked out so she does not get to spoiled where she does not listen to you and your husband. There is a difference between spoiled and spoiled brat... I feel for both of you. Good Luck, its tough!!!

I understand the my house my rules in the sence of her belongings not your daughter! You told her no bc she wouldnt finish her food and MIL did it anyway. This would tick me off and I probably would have gone off.... lol! I do believe grandparents should spoil their grandkids but trying to be your daughters mother is so annoying and RUDE! I hope you can get out soon... I am sorry this happened to you!

It's not whether you're being condesending, it's how MIL chooses to take it.
Often, I feel like I'm speaking normal (maybe a bit slower for those who clearly don't receive the message the first time around), but certain people complain that I'm being condesending.

Your daughter's old enough to be addressed etc. When MIL go against your wishes, pretend like your daughter did it on her own and deal with her accordingly. Your daughter knew she wasn't suppose to have the snack so even accepting the cheese is going against your wishes. And I'm sure DD is clear on that fact.

Additionally - MIL is right, her house, her rules. Learn to navigate around them.

I see this situation a littel differently so i will share my thoughts. Is it about control or being right? Your job is to teach your daughter how to listen and also how to love others and have healthy relationships.
If your MIL felt condescended to, acknowledge her feelings and then address your needs and comprismise. Let her know you love her and seek to understand before being understood.
I see this the same way I would address a husband and wife.... Are you on the same page? Address the issues away from your daughter. What are you showing her by addressing this in front of her? Kindness, justice, respect?
I think that you can and should clear the air with your mil but not right in the moment... this was about string cheese and yes, i understand feeling undermined by your mil. I do see that. And i also see that it is wise to offer different breakfast items like what Suzi offered.
I just think relationships are hard and it is our job to be the bigger person and show kindness and respect and love to those that might have other issues going on. You have to work at your relationship with you husband and so you have to work at this relationship with you mil.

Maybe think about what you can live with and what are non negotionables. Think about past sitiuations and what lead to your mil getting caught or becoming the victim. What was non negotionable and what was small? If you can decide for yourself what you want to convey to your mil and your daughter than you will not get caught in these situations as often and of course it stinks being the bigger person but let your mil know she is important in your daughters life and you want to be on the same page when it comes to raising her.

Find out her needs and ideas about it and just listen. Take time and then address issues after you have gotten a clear picture of her. I am not saying just let her do what she wants but I am saying respect and love go along way and you will find peace and even joy out of doing what seems maybe backwards in our society.
Why are we always fighting for control with our MIL's?

I will stop now and hopefully this gives you a different perspective.

Take the high road.......be kind and show you are above fussing about little
thing like snacks ignore it all...a few extras don't matter/
Your child should see you as a big person who is kind to her grandmother.

you are right. she is wrong. period! Your rules are the rules. If she is unable to respect that then maybe she should spend less time in your home. You are teaching your child that you can't just have a little bit to eat and then expect something different later. You offered her the meal and she chose not to eat it. The consequence of that is that she'll have to wait to eat again. You made it clear to your daughter. You are teaching her cause and effect. Your MIL is teaching her the same thin but her version is Ask Grandma and I'll give you what you want. She's also teaching her that your rules are made to be broken. I'd have a talk with her privately or better yet...she's your husbands mother. HE needs to discuss this with her. If you are united as parents then HE needs to let her know that this is your parenting decision. She is welcome to offer opinion as long as she never does it in front your daughter.

I know this is an old post ... I can't help but to reply. I do not feel that you are being condescending to your MIL, and in fact it was the right thing to do. I have to learn it myself. It is so selfish of her to treat you this way because she can't get over her own emotional issues. I don't understand why a lot of MILs think they can treat their DILs this way, yes we are now family, but we are not even their children - and it will be wrong to treat their own children or anybody like this anyway. If you hadn't stood up for yourself, it will get worse and you will continue to be abused.

We do not live in our home country and when the baby turned 1, my in-laws came for a visit. My MIL said to me when my baby goes to their home for the yearly visits, he will get all the sweets he wants and he will get concentrated orange juice if he wants. Because this is what they do with their other grandchildren.

When we visited them, we were sitting at the dinner table after a meal . As usual, we will have ice-cream as a dessert (or fruits with added sugar). My husband and I do not want our son to have too much sugar intake and when he tried to pull away my son from the next heap of ice-cream, my MIL said, 'Stop holding him back!' and stuffed the next spoon into the baby's mouth. The baby was crying at that time.

My FMIL are both very overweight.