In Laws Driving Me CRAZY!!!!!

A "pop" is hitting. I think that parents that try to "teach" with hitting is wrong. Hitting is hitting, striking is striking.
Just the fact that you use the term "pisses me off' suggest that YOU have issues.
Thankfully you DO have MIL there...
Everytime you "pop" a child...you change who they are.

Are your inlaws from a European country? It sounds like it - my in laws drove me insane! Every time I corrected my kids my MIL Looked at me like I was a monster. If I spanked them I was horrible. Oh honey - all I can say is stick to your guns and don't let them rock your boat and tell your fiance to get his gems out of mamma's purse and speak up like a man and a father.

Wow, Betty O, you must not remember having a 2 year old. I agree that it makes it harder living under someone else's roof - there has to be a certain amount of respect given - but because they live with the child spoiling her ALL THE TIME is the worst thing they can do!!! And sometimes a pop is the only thing that will get a small child's attention. Because I used it with my 2 year old, I now have a 3 year old that behaves and takes me seriously, and I don't have to pop her anymore. C., all I can say is get out as fast as you can!!! My experience is that some people refuse to respect your wishes as a parent and the best thing I've found when that is the case is to limit my exposure to them. Good luck!!

A) Move out. You live with them, so you are technically co-parenting with them at this point. If you want to live by your own rules, you need to be in your own home.

B) I agree that "popping" a two year old to get their attention is HORRIBLE...and if you were living in my home I would definitely have something to say about it too. I probably wouldn't give you very much respect towards your decision about that, and would tend to not value the rest of your opinions if you were in a situation where you were living in my home. My home life would be very stressful to have that kind of interaction in it.

C) They are grandparents, its their job to be obsessed about their granddaughter.

EDIT: @ Katie- I have never hit, popped or belittled a child and I am a parent of a four year old. Not once, ever. I have always used language and kindness to get a child's attention. I work with 2-3 year olds for a living, and would not consider doing that in my classroom either. I think that hitting a child has to do with the parent's emotional frustration and lack of guidance techniques, period.

Yeah... if your fiance won't speak with them and tell them to back off, then you need to move out and move out now. I know you're probably there for financial reasons or whatever, but I'd do whatever I needed to do to A, raise my daughter the way I felt she needed to be raised, and B. to gain my own sanity. Sounds like they have no respect for you as a mother or a person and your daughter is going to pick up on it and can start reacting because of it. Stick to your guns... if your fiance won't back you up... then maybe you should take a look at your relationship with him as well.

you need to hurry up and move!!!!!! RIGHT NOW! and you need to sit them down and talk to them face to face.no distractions, and let them know that you do appreciate them helping you guys in this time of need but however you choose to discipline your daughter is your buisiness and when you ask that your daughter have no sweets that is what you mean. now you do have to understand that they are grandparents and they like spoil their grandchildren but sometimes if you can let them slide or just ask that they give her 1 piece of candy or 1 cookie, that way they get to spoil and you still have some control. and try and hurry up and move that is the only way you will get some peace. good luck! S/N it is ok to pop,whoop, give a spanking,or whatever YOU choose to discipline your child. because in the end you have to raise your child, NOT everybody else. i got whoopings all the time i deserved everyone i got and i still love my mother dearly and would do anything that she asks of me. and she taught me to be a law abiding, intelligent, well rounded person. and my son gets whoopings and he does not hit me, tell me to shut up, say "I hate you", talk back or throw temper tantrums in the middle of the store, nor does he call me out my name! hmmm...go figure!

I fully agree with Holly.

In your house, I follow your rules but with MY/OUR daughter you need to follow our rules. Otherwise, I'm leaving and taking her with me and my fiance is free to choose whether to back me up or stay with you.
This sounds very harsh (and I'm sure you can find softer ways to introduce the subject) but she is your daughter, and any care giver needs to follow your rules. Children need consistency. Your daughter needs you to teach her what are the boundaries. She doesn't need to learn so young that if mommy/daddy say no, I go to grandma/grandpa and get it and that she can get away with discipline because her grandparents will be on her side.

Whoa momma, I can relate! I used to joke that I would rather live in a cardboard box on the side of the road than to move myself and my kids in with EITHER my parents or my hubbys. Just because you are staying in someone's home doesn't give them the right to make decisions for your daughter on your behalf! My MIL is convinced we beat my 5 yr old because when he gets out of line and needs discipline, he really turns on the tears and is SO dramatic. However, the same as a previous poster remarked, while both sets of parents LOVE to judge and comment on our parenting styles, they also remark OFTEN at how well behaved my oldest is. Hmmm...well maybe he's so damn well behaved because I'm doing something RIGHT!

I'm more of the thinking that you MIL needs to address her concerns to YOU, not wait to her own beloved baby comes home to complain. And you, as the momma, need to stand up to her (nicely, if you feel up to it LOL) and let her know in NO uncertain terms that you're daughter ALREADY has a mom, thank you very much.

Best of luck to you and here's hoping you'll be able to move SOON!

1. You and your daughter need to live somewhere else.
2. Don't pop your daughter.

Gma S.

Well...move out then.

I suggest that you and your fiance talk together and decide what your rules are for raising your daughter. Once your fiance and you agree then your fiance, by himself would be best, sit down with them and tell them what the two of you have decided. I suggest starting out with just a few rules such as describing your wishes as far as snacks and candy are concerned, about talking directly to you and not waiting to talk to son as well as describing the plan that both of you agree upon for discipline. Or whatever issues are the most important to both of you. If his parents know where he stands on each subject they will have no reason to tattle.

This does mean that your fiance has to tell them, when they do come to him, that he doesn't want to hear it. When a couple lives with in-laws/parents they have to present themselves as a united couple. He needs to always back you even if he disagrees. When he disagrees, he needs to discuss it with you in private.

I know that this will be difficult to do. You haven't been a couple on your own and haven't developed a firm way of being as a couple. This won't be a quick solution. The two of you will be working it out as you go along.

I suggest that you read about "non-violent communication." You can read some about it on the Internet. There is also a book. the way that you word your rules and the way you talk about them will seriously affect the way your in-laws respond. This way of communicating will be new for all of you. It will also take time for it to be effective.

If you can't move out, hang in there. If your fiance isn't on your side and/or is intimidated by his parents you may have to find a way to live independently. If you are low income you will qualify for various forms of assistance. There is low income housing and food stamps for example.

Always be respectful of your in-laws not only because they are providing you a home but also because respect makes it easier to have respect in turn. You don't want them to be critical of you so word your comments in an accepting way. For example you could say, I know you enjoy giving your granddaughter Candy. Perhaps, together, we could come to an agreement of what kind and how often that she could have it. During the conversation include information about the reasons for you wanting to limit candy. Perhaps print off an article from the Internet.

Always use I statements. Instead of you're spoiling her, say, I want you to let me decide when she can have something to eat. Please ask me first.

For this to work most effectively, you will need to have that group conversation during which your fiance states, in a diplomatic way, that he and you are the parents and will be making the decisions regarding your child. I statements will help even tho the grandparents haven't understood your ground rules.

As a part of that discussion I suggest that you include asking them for their ground rules for living in their house. You have authority over your child. They have authority over their house.

If you have a room that is yours, I suggest that you set it up so that you can spend more time in your room. Everyone needs their own space and a place to have privacy. Anytime people are living together there is conflict. There is more conflict when people aren't able to get away from each other.

I've had both my mother and my mother-in-law live with me and each time they each had their own room with an easy chair and a reading lamp and for my mil, a TV. They spent hours in their own rooms. Yes, once I had both. :) They still had their independence in many ways. It's important for you to have blocks of time independently from your in-laws.

I know this is a rough way to live. I also know that many families do learn how to manage it. If you continue to have difficulty without it getting any better and you can't find a way to move out, I suggest that you get counseling. My counselors over the years have always had ideas for ways to make things better that I'd not thought of.

I don't know how to fix your MIL, so you may have to just get out as soon as you can reasonably manage. But you may be able to get around her by giving you daughter dinner or a large, nutritious snack 20-30 minutes before they get home. My son is usually really hungry between 3 and 5 pm anyway. My 4 year old would eat junk all day if I let him so I gave him a rule of 1 sweet treat a day and I've been explaining food groups to him so he is starting to learn.

All of these issues will go away if you get your own place. Do that asap.
***HUGE disagree with the "popping"***** Don't let your frustration with the situation impact how you treat/love/discilpline your kid.

I'm not saying that they are right to ignore your rules for your child, all the adults in the household should be on the same page so that your daughter has consistency...but wow, the "pop" has me disturbed, too. I don't think you need to "pop" a child of any age to get their attention. Maybe the grandparents are trying to compensate for disciplinary techniques they don't agree with. If you need to be living with them, and I assume you are in this situation for a reason, why don't all the adults in the household get one or two sessions of counseling just to lay out household expectations -then you can talk to a therapist about "popping" and get their perspective on that as well as over indulging snacks. Then everybody signs on to the same techniques and your daughter gets consistency.

You really need to try & get your own place. Grandparents can't seem to step back and let the parents be parents! My in-laws are also bad about giving my son junk food, even when we specifically ask them not to. They would give him pepsi before he was a year old, even though he didn't like it! You also need to talk to your fiance about them undermining you. If he can't stand up to them for you, it's only going to get worse. Even though you aren't married yet, they need to respect you as the mother of their grandchild, and remember that you are still the parent when their son is at work. Good luck!

It sounds like they are in general loving parents to allow their son, his girl-friend and their grandchild to live with them. That's no small request and opening of their home. They do deserve kudos for that and you do have to give a lot in that situation. Their house/their rules sort of thing. They definitely should take in to consideration your boundaries for the child but I will be totally crazy/obsesses about my grandchildren too. My parents think our children/their grandchildren are the best thing since US! You'll need to show a ton of patience during this time of living with them and then move out as soon as you can provide a good, safe home of your own.

Talk to your fiance' about this. Have you tried getting along with his parents? Maybe they are doing this out of revenge. What does your fiance' think about it. Instead of living with them, why don't you find a place of your own, especially if your fiance' doesn't want to move. Your are not married yet, so have your own opinions and take your daughter out of there.

Move out now, get married, become independent from his family and create your own family with your own rules. Hopefully with some productive, loving and non-violent discipline. You are not he "mom" in that house.

GET. OUT. NOW! I assume you are living with your inlaws out of necessity, but you need to get out of their home before your relationship with both your mother and father in law are ruined (if they arent already), AND your relationship with your fiance is in the toilet because of your mother-in-law's interference (i.e. her behaving like she is a primary member of your family unit). It sounds like you have already asked them to respect your boundaries as a parent, and they have completely ignored you, so don't kid yourself that any more talking or techniques will fix this situation. Move into your own place no matter what it takes...sell a car...take a night job...resign yourself to never eating out in restaurants ever again. In the meantime, try to be away from the house as much as possible (sign you and your daughter up for free dance/musis/craft classes offered anywhere, utilize the local library, go to the park, etc. to be around your inlaws as little as possible. It is one thing to drop a child off at Grandma and Grandpa's house for a weekend and let them spoil your daughter behind your back, but another to have them override you (!) on a fulltime basis, infront of her. This woman (your mother in law) has already raised her children. Your daughter is YOUR child. YOU are the mom. Tell her that, and remind her she is Grandma. Good luck. And remember, GET OUT of their home!

They will never change. I have wasted many years and conversations trying to reason with inlaws only to have them play the victim and do worse. The snide comments and constant chance of conflict will hurt your health and your quality of life. You are the parent.
Move now, even if just to rent a studio or one bedroom apartment.