Aggressive Playmate

It sounds like she acts better away from home, like home is her testing ground for her really bad behavior. Maybe stick with play dates elsewhere, where other children are around, or at your house. Then always keep the kids in eyesight rather than only ear shot. It sounds like their friendship needs a higher level of monitoring. If your daughter wants to see her than she isn't overly traumatized so I think keeping them apart is not really necessary. But if you mommy gut is telling you to cut them off, do it. Unfortunately that is necessary sometimes and the mom will just have to deal. Just avoiding it is probably going to create more hurt feelings even then coming clean and saying that the incident freaked you out and you need some time to think on the best way for them to play together. Good luck!!!!

Is this the first time that you have been in the other little girls home for any length of time? I wonder if that has something to do with it....feeling territorial and also comfortable...and she has a "history " of being aggressive to her brother there at home.
As to cutting off contact....I know that your daughter was hurt when the little girl sat on her but honestly, it was not anything out of the ordinary for children that age do. The fact that she was under a plastic pool and it could have been dangerous did not occur to either of them at the time!! I think I would have used this as a teaching moment for both of them...talked to the little girl about how she hurt your daughter and made her feel sad. ( Get Mom's permission before doing this, but it might have more effect coming from you than from her Mom!!!). You can also talk to your own daughter about being considerate of other peoples feelings and being kind...of course you don't want to use the little girl as an example of how people treat people badly because that is just making it more difficult for your child and the other little girl to ever have a relationship.
I wonder if there are other forms aggression in the little girls' home. Most children at this age are mirroring behavior and personalities that they are exposed to.
Maybe, after this other little girl starts school, she can have the opportunity to visit with the school counselors and start to get a handle on her aggressive behavior.

You need to have a heart to heart with the other mom. If everyone is saying the same thing about her daughter then she needs to take some action to correct the child's behavior. Explain that you can not allow your child to be injured on purpose during what is suppose to be a fun play time. The other mom needs to consult with her child's physician to get referrals to a early education specialist who can give her a plan on how to deal with her child.

It sounds like this other mom is very familiar with the challenges of her daughter. Talk to her about discipline and enforcing rules in your house.

I have this exact same situation with my son and his "best friend". I've become good friends with his mom, and we have agreed to discipline each other's kids as necessary. Of course, offer praise in the same way when they are sharing, playing nice, etc.... See how she feels. She may feel overwhelmed by having to constantly worry about watching or policing her daughter, and may welcome a second set of eyes.
Similarly, her daughter may react better to discipline from you, rather than the mom. That's how it works with us.
And as a result, my son has come to defend himself a lot more and stand his ground for things that he wants. He's also learned how to "work around" certain situations in order to get what he wants, but avoid the aggression.

I like to look at my role as being the part of my kids that they *would* be if they were older. So, I would step in to provide restraint and I would step in to provide protection. I wouldn't step in as a "policeman" or a 3rd party, but try my best to act the way I would like to see your daughter act. This way I am being a role model. For example, simply pointing out what the other 4 year old is doing can be what the situation needs. Maybe putting her feelings into words or even offering understand of where she is coming from while still stopping her bad behavior.

Since your daughter is timid, this would be something I would work on - to find a comfortable way for her to express herself and assert her needs that she will use over and over for herself someday.

Barabara Coloroso has a great book called something like The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander and the overall message is that *everyone* needs to call out the behavior and help the aggressive child learn better behavior. She doesn't need to squash down her feelings, but rather find an appropriate way to express them -- and probably better understand someone else's feelings and point of veiw.

I would definately keep a close eye, and if it continues you either need to gently approach it with her mom, or just decide to stop the playdates. You don't want your daughter being bullied, AND you dont want her thinking that is proper behavior. At 4 yrs. old the other little girl is old enough to know that physical intimidation, and actions are not okay. I would be concerned that her parents aren't doing enough to stop it. I had a similar situation with a firend, our kids were much younger, but it still upset me alot. My child was constantly being hit, pushed, even bit. And the mom would scold her, but then she'd start to cry and she'd pick her up and cuddle her!!!?? I confronted her on it, and she went haywire. Basically resulting in the ind of our friendship. But I am not sorry. Our job is to protect our kids, because they really can't do it themselves. You're in a tough spot, but sticking up for your daughter is the right thing to do, wether you upset the other mom or not!

It sounds like your friend has already talked to you about her concerns over her daughter's personality and how that has affected their friendships with other people.

Since she opened that door, I think you should have a talk with her, preferably face to face WITHOUT the kids around. Tell her about your concerns - the situation, what happened between the children, how her child reacted, and how SHE handled it. Of course, we all expect children to have their "moments". However if her child is already being aggressive, and is so much bigger than other kids, it sounds like your friend needs to really be on top of her daughter's bad behavior.

Also, in addition to talking with your friend about how SHE is going to handle her daughter's aggressiveness between your children...ask her how YOU can help her when the kids are together. Let her know that you don't want to interfere and don't want to "parent" her child, but that you would like to know how you can help her work to teach the kids how to play together and better handle their disagreements.

Finally, I stand firm with "my house, my rules". So I think that you should also think about what your house rules are when it comes to "not playing nice". Instead of thinking of these rules in terms of HER daughter, think of them for everyone age 1-101...like "no hitting"/keep your hands to yourself, "no yelling/tantruming"/use your words, etc. Then I think you have every right to talk with your friend about your "house rules" and explain that she and her daughter are expected to follow them when in your home.

You didn't mention at all how your friend reacts to or disciplines her daughter when she is being aggressive and domineering? Does she sit in her chair telling her, "We don't do that!", does she tell, does she say, "Oh no, there she goes again", or does she get up out of her seat, talk with her daughter and then make her apologize/give her a timeout/etc?

I think with any child, the grown ups setting the example of what is acceptable behavior (using your words, dealing swiftly with pushing, hitting, etc.), following through with consequences (and not using empty threats) and being consistent are all key.

Overall, I think if this child is hurting your child, then she should have limited chances to behave. If she can't or won't stop being aggressive, then the playdate needs to be over. She needs to understand that HER BEHAVIOR is why the playdate is over. And that she is only welcome back when she can behave. Of course, this needs to come from her mom. But you should feel free to explain to her mother, that you will leave her house if her daughter isn't being nice or is having (another) bad day.

keep the playdates at your house, where the other little girl doesn't feel quite as 'safe'. she's probably to some degree marking her territory. and yes, discuss this with the other mom, who seems tuned in and aware. frankness is generally best.
khairete
S.

We just had our second play date (both at our house) with a family who has kids about each of our children's ages. The first play date went okay. The older boy (5 1/2/6) was a little over the top but nothing too terrible.

It took about a month to get together again. The boy was absolutely terrible this time! He was abusive to our animals (cats and dog), rough on toys (slamming scooter into walls and cupboards), and just plain did NOT listen. The mom did no disciplining. Just said, he's gotten really bad and is driving her crazy.

I can NOT handle this sort of behavior. I would never let our kids act like this anywhere INCLUDING at our own house. Time outs would have been served and we would leave if the behavior did not stop! She mentioned wanting another play date but nothing was set. I am NOT planning on doing any more. IF I would consider it, it would happen at THEIR house because I will not subject our animals, toys, and house to his behavior again. And if he got bad, we could just leave then!

It is our job to protect our kids and shelter them from situations that can be harmful. I would either do short play dates (1 hour) or not do them at all with this child.

L.,
The mom appears to already be knowledgeable of her daughter's aggressive and inappropriate behavior, so I think that speaking directly with her will bring the best results. Be sure that you don't say that "her daughter is...." however, word it that recently you've noticed the playtime between the girls is becoming increasingly aggressive. Illicit her help to come up with a potential solution. Maybe she thinks that if you speak with her daughter, things will improve, or maybe she thinks that a heart to heart with both girls at the same time about not being aggressive and telling your friend when you are being hurt, you need to tell your friend to please stop.
My girlfriend and I have girls that are best of friends and we often see inappropriate behavior between the 2 of them. I often liken them to sisters, since that is how they get along sometimes. A couple of things we do when they start to argue (they are 3 years old) are:
1. Tell them that that's not how we play with our friends
2. Give them each an activity to do by themselves for a few minutes
3. Use the line, "Miss SoandSo and mommy are friends. Have you ever heard us talk to each other like that?" Kind of pointing out our modeling of friendship.
But, ultimately, if aggressive behavior continues, you may want to tell your friend that you'd love to get together when the girls are in school, instead. Your child's safety comes first.
Good luck!

Let me give you a slightly different perspective on this one. We have twin boys, and one tends to be more domineering. Most of the time, I let them play and work through any of their issues. I see the less agressive one standing up for himself more and more. I use some of their interactions as teaching moments for both of them - asking each of them direct (open-ended)questions about how they felt, thought they thought their brothers felt, how else they could have handled the situation. I truly believe that you can and should do the same with this family. You don't mention otherwise, so I'm assuming that neither of these girls has a sibling close in age. Regardless they both need to learn about how to get along with others, and they learn more in tough situations than in situations where everything is all lovey-dovey. That being said, the situation requires two things:
- agreement between you and the other mom on how you handle discipline. I believe that the two of you need to be consistent (and comfortable letting someone else take the lead with your child at times) in your responses. This way the girls will start to learn what's OK and what's not, as well as what happens when they do something wrong (e.g. Does the play date end immediately or is there an intermediate step to defuse the situation and an opportunity to try again right away? Are there certain conflicts that you let them work through on their own? If so, do you talk to them afterwards on how they felt about how they resolved things?).
- constant vigilance. It sounds like you are both aware of the risks (and they always exist, even when you think that the playdate is only with "nice" children), and are watching the girls closely. Perhaps it's just making sure that you and the other mom have a system and/or signal for who has the lead on monitoring them at all times.
Unless you approach the other mom and she's not willing to work with you on these things, I don't believe that it's time to sever the relationship. The only lesson your daughter would learn from that is to run away from tough relationships, and that won't help her when she comes up against a bully that she needs to interact with on a regular basis. Instead, she needs to learn skills to handle herself. Additionally, this is a wonderful opportunity for you and your daughter to help someone else (and you can be very honest with your daughter that you ARE helping her friend to learn to be nicer) who it sounds like really needs a playmate to help her through her issues - her mother can talk to her until she's blue in the face, but she needs real life opportunities to work on her "growth areas" with another child. That's what I would want if I didn't have a built in incubator at home ;)

Since you aren't saying anyone is claiming this girl has cognitive or medical disorders, you friend has allowed her to form this behavior.

Instead of disciplining her consistently from day one not to be aggressive so that she is WELL past the "I just don't know what she's going to do" stage-4 years old??! Come on. If her parents were firm from age 2 and younger, she would not be a walking liability now. Your friend made that choice. Now she sits back and mentions how they've had problems with other kids and parents. Very sad. Unfortunately for the little girl, her parents have made it so that she is not a good friend for your daughter.

Yes, your daughter needs to stand up to people in life, and it sounds like she's doing a great job, but it's not her responsibility to stand by a "domineering" girlfriend. In life, are those the kind of friends you want her to pick? Aggressive ones who misbehave and act pushy? Don't condition her now! Teach her that when people aren't nice, you leave them alone.

Our neighbors have a 5 year old daughter my 4 year old daughter loves. We've been neighbors for 3 years so I've watched the girl form age 2. If we see them out in their yard, I'll take my daughter over to play. She's always been allowed to be bossy and bratty, and now at 5 she's REALLY not a nice girl-or safe one-she'll yank toys away from my 1 year old sending her flying off a cement step, she talks back to her mom, says mean things, never does what anyone tells her, and her mom will say, "Sweetie, don't DO that!! with a gasp and and an eye roll and an 'I just can't believe her' type thing. But no consequence. Her mom wants my daughter to play all the time, but we almost NEVER do. I watch like a hawk when we're there, and as soon as the girl does something like push my daughter off a scooter, I say, OK, she's not being nice, time to go." Right in front of the mom. I say it all cheery like, but I want my daughter to recognize wrong actions. She has been taught to stand up for herself, walk away from bad kids at the park etc, and she's never been allowed to be aggressive since the days of trying her first hitting etc. Same with my son. Any kid will try those things and escalate them if they are allowed. Difficult ones need even more discipline.

We have a cousin who's out of his 6 year old mind, he's ALWAYS been way more to handle than his 8 siblings, he's super rough and tumble with his brothers with no fear, but his discipline at home was so thorough, that in the presence of other kids, he would never do anything aggressive to them. If he accidentally bumps someone while jumping off a roof, he'll say sorry. It's pretty easy to enforce if parents admit it's a behavior that needs firm discipline.
Whether you say to her mother, "Hey, your daughter is allowed a little too much freedom for my comfort, I'm worried about unnecessary accidents" or something is up to you. If you think she really will start to enforce some rules if you tell her you guys are ready to bail, then it's worth a shot. But you cant' discipline her child, and the two of you talking to her won't help. I would find a different friend. It's not up to you to do this mom any favors at your daughter's expense-you're not the first to realize it.

Hi, L.:
My goal is to let mother's learn about circles in handling difficult situations. Children are never too young to learn how their behaviors affect others.
Get with the child's mom and explain about this method of taking care of conflicts.

This is a restorative approach by holding children accountable for their actions without being punitive.

You can facilitate the circle and ask the aggressive child theses questions.

1. What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to mak things right?

Ask your daughter these questions:

1.What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impacct has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardst thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

Ask the aggressive's child's mom the questions listed above that you asked your daughter.

Then you respond to the same questions as noted above.
See what agreements come out of this circle meeting.
Good luck. Restorative Practices web site is: www.iirp.org

Hope this helps. D.