Seeking Proper Etiquette for Not Having Playdates

You are not being nice by lying to her. Try finding some info on what she can do about her son and share it with her. Ask for control of the child when there is a playdate, maybe she does not come and deal with the child. They usually behave better for someone else.

J.,
by being honest with her you will actually be helping her. That boys needs discipline and it doesn't sound like she is doing that. Good luck this is a very delicate issue.

I would say something like, "My son doesn't seem to enjoy having play dates. Why don't you and I get together at night, while our husbands stay home with the kids, for some girl time instead?"

J.,

I've read all the postings here and sat here in tears as I re-lived my own agressive child issues. Only in my case, it was my son who was the agressive one. All my friends, and I do mean ALL, turned their backs on me and my child. So, speaking as one who's been on the other side, I want to share some honest feelings with you.

My son has some issues, I've known that since he was three. He's adopted (from infancy) and we knew little of his history, which made finding the problems that much harder. I was working every angle I could find to help him. He was agressive, kicked out of public pre-school, and I heard over and over, through the grapevine because no one was actually willing to talk directly to me, that I had awful parenting skills, that my son was a menace, and all these so called friends of mine got on the phone with every other potential friend and warned them to stay away from us.

This happened about six years ago, so I have some ability to look back without the emotion of the moment. The women who were part of this nonsense were my friends. Since that time, those friendships have never recovered. I lost every girlfriend I had over this. I am not a poor parent, in fact every doctor and counselor we've taken my son to has said we (my husband and I) are very good parents. But, I cannot go back and fix any of those relationships, they are gone forever.

So that gives you some idea of my background. Let me tell you what I wish had happened. I wish my girlfriends had been honest with me in the kindest way they could. I wish they had come to me and told me that their children were afraid to play with my son. I wish they had asked me if I was ok and if there was anything they could do to help. I wish I'd had a friend's shoulder to cry on when I felt completely hopeless that I would ever figure out what was going on with my son. I wish my friends had suggested a play date in the park at a generally quiet time of day so as not to overwhelm my son with too many people and too much going on at once. I wish my friends had made the effort to suggest some girl time and then given me the chance to share my frustrations without feeling judged.

You sound like you want to keep this friendship in tact. I promise you if you do not share your feelings with your friend and be honest with her, you will lose this friendship and it will not recover. You are not being nice to her by keeping your feelings a secret. Those of us on that side of the isle are not oblivious to our children's issues. You will hurt your friend much more if you just keep making excuses as to why you can't get together with her. Maybe her doctor has suggested that she make play dates to help her son learn to get along with other kids. Teaching your children to get along is very hard when no one will let their children play. I'm not suggesting that you risk your child's safety to help another child. No one should do that. Instead, invite this child and your friend to your home or the park and play with them. Be there to intervene when things go wrong. But whatever you do, talk to your friend and if you are really her friend, you won't turn your back on her when she needs you most.

The kids don't have to play together if you really feel that it is a bad idea. But trust me, helping your friend and being there to support her as she works on finding solutions to her child's issues is the best thing you can do.

J.,

Sometimes the truth is painful, but I feel you need to be honest with her. When my son was about 6 my friend and neighbor put a halt to play dates between her daughter (same age as my son) and my son. She told me, quite frankly, it was because her daughter didn't like to play with my son because he was rough with her toys, too aggressive etc. It really hurt my feelings but I got over it. My son, too, got over it. The kids are now 10 and play much better together when they do see each other. It sounds like your friend really needs the adult interaction and support more than the "play date" itself. Why don't you suggest to her that you and her schedule time together without the kids for a little while until her son gets past this stage. Offering her support doesn't have to involve the children. You sound like a really good friend.

You can't keep on making up lies forever. It's a natural thing to happen. My girlfriend has a son the same age as my daughter and we had playdates every weekend for about 5 years when suddenly the kids didn't want to play together anymore. My daughter only wants to play with Barbies and magic wands and the other kid only wants to play soccer and they got into horrible fights last time. Then my daughter expressly refused to play with him again so I had to tell my girlfriend about it. It was awkward and I avoided it for a few weeks but the truth had to come out. She reacted calm and cool and laughed about it! This is a little different I know, but it is your responsibility as a mom to protect your child, and your friend must know what's happening anyway. She would probably appreciate your honesty. Don't be rude and harsh, obviously she's got enough criticism about her son being aggressive, try to not mention her son as much as you say things about your child and your life and yourself. Say how sorry ou are and that you could try again in a month or two, and that you would be glad to help her out if she really needs you to watch him or something but say it stresses your son out. Maybe it would even help her son to understand that he can't make friends if he acts that way. I've seen it happen to other friends of mine from all angles (one boy I know is very aggressive and bossy to my friend's daughter and was excluded for a while by my friend, one mom I know suffered because her daughter was biting all the time, etc.) It is really only a phase and in time it will all be fine. If they're only 4 it will be over sooner than you think. The important thing to remember is not to blow her off, make sure you call her off and on to see how things are going, and to make sure she knows you do want to meet them again someday. But take a break and tell her the truth. It might sting a little but you will both feel better for being honest. That poor lady, I wonder if there are any special play groups for kids like hers? Is there any hope in sight? Is she doing anything to modify his behavior? I think most people shy away from an issue like that, and to hear it from a friend like you might really make a difference. Anyway good luck! Don't let it eat away at you!

You need to be honest with her, something is wrong with her son and it could be whats going on at home, kids are not born aggressive, its a learned thing, maybe if more tell her about she could check into getting her self some parenting help. Parents ignore it not knowing what else to do, then it gets worse. The kid hits so then the parents hits the kid to punish them the circle goes round and round. Maybe as her friend you could ask her if you could help with her son if he gets aggreesive, kids sometimes listen to another adult when they are told to be nice then there own parents. I swear call the super nanny, she has great tips for parenting kids.

I understand your dilemma. I have a soon to be 5 yr. old and we do a lot of playdates. She has several friends that she sees on a regular playdate schedule. It obvious you care about your friend IMO it's best to be honest with her in a thoughtful, tactful way. Preface by saying you really care about her and because of that you want to be honest. We haven't had a playmate who was continually aggressive but when issues have arose, like physically agressive, saying harmful things, etc. I address them right away with the mothers. I've also been told when my daughter behaved badly. When I have found out after the playdate we've made a return to the friend and she has apologized. These are young children they are very new at managing their feelings and expressing themselves. That is our job as parents teach and guide them to handle situations. If your child's friend and their parents don't know how are they going correct the situation. When it's discussed quickly the incident isn't bigger than it should be. I tell the parents of my child's playdates to feel free to tell me of any behavior they think I should know about and I will do the same. It's a small version of "it takes a village to raise a child".

That is a tough situation. I know that it does get difficult when YOUR child is the one who is aggressive and inappropriate. My youngest son has Asperger's syndrome and can be very verbally inappropriate and sometimes aggressive. I hate that he is that way, but he is who he is. That's not to say that we don't work with him so he can be less aggressive, we do. However, due to his brain wiring, he does respond differently and sometimes extremely. Is there a way that you and she can be right there when they play so someone can step in if things get aggressive? That way you could have play dates every once in a while...It that is out of the question, I think you probably should tell her that your child or you or both feel worried about some of the acting out and what might happen. Explain to her that you can imagine that having a child who is going through something like this must feel difficult for her and that you would like to support her as her friend if possible. I can tell you it can feel VERY isolating to have a child who is like this...try to reach out if you can.

I had this problem and coincidentally heard Dr. Laura address it on her radio program. Dr. Laura made great sense. She turned the table around and posed this question - if someone rejects your child, would you be their friend? The answer is no. You are rejecting your friend's child for the good of your child, which is perfectly OK. You will probably lose a friend (maybe just temporarily) but its for the benefit of your child. Its a no brainer. No need to hurt your friend by telling her what she already knows - believe me she knows her kid is a brat. No need to tread down that road. Her kid will probably turn himself around in a few years and then all will be forgotten. If you tell her the reason, she will remember those words for life and it will stand in the way of your friendship in the future. Make excuses and she'll stop asking. Good luck.

There really is no proper etiquitte for this other than the truth, albeit delivered kindly. Just let her know that you don't feel that the kids are a good match, and that while you're very fond of her, you're not interested in getting the kids together. Hoepfully she's getting help for her son - a good therapist and play group, but in the meantime, your number one job is to do what's right for your son. Good luck.

I don't think this particular topic is covered in etiquette books. It should be though! My son had a friend who was aggressive at school. The mom glossed it over and we continued our friendship, right up to the day her son bit mine on the arm so badly it bled and bruised for weeks. Thankfully that was the kick she needed to get him some serious help. However it made my son and I very wary of spending time with them.

We did reconnect and it has been wonderful. He's a sweet boy and much calmer now thanks to some family counseling and work. We started seeing each other again at parks, where the kids had the option to play together or not, and in play group settings. The other moms were moms we both knew from school and so we all carefully watched the kids interactions. Since then he and my son have been best friends and a year later spend lots of time at each other's houses playing nicely.

I'm a believer of honesty. In this case, I would just let your friend know that your son doesn't want to play with her son and you don't want to force them to have a relationship. That's part of being a good mother.

On the other hand, however, you have some opportunities to possibly work it out. You may suggest a playdate in a neutral location, such as a park, to gather and explain to your son that you are friends with the boys mommy and you want to see her. Give your son the tools to choose to play with the other boy at the park or not.

Good luck and best wishes.

Why wouldn't you want to tell your friend the truth? I would be more hurt by someone lying to me than being told the truth...and it sounds like it wouldn't be a surprise to her. Just let her know that you'd like to get together, but your son doesn't want to play with her son until he can get his aggressive behavior under control. The main purpose of a playdate is for the kids to get together anad have fun, but if your son doesn't like playing with the other boy because he's aggressive, there's no point in forcing him to play with him. I can't blame your son because I certainly wouldn't want to be forced to be around someone who hurt me all the time. If you'd like to see your friend one on one, arrange for your husband or someone else to watch your son while just the two of you have your own 'playdate.'

Your friends son could have elevated levels of heavy metals in his body. Lead and mercury toxicity often contributes to aggressive behavior. You may want to suggest to your friend to have her son tested for heavy metal toxicity. Once the heavy metals are removed usually through chelation therapy the behavior improves.
D. Merlin
www.victoryoveradhd.com

I have a similar situation and am on the other side (your friends), BUT there is no aggressive behavior involved. The problem is that my son is not interested in playing with her son. They are only 4, but different in so many ways. Her and I have great conversations and have alot of things in common, BUT...my son isn't interested and it's obvious. Instead of talking about it, like I wished we would have, we both dropped the ball. If her friendship is that important to you, you HAVE to talk to her honestly. I'm sure you can think of an approach that won't offend her. Deep down, she knows why you're flaking on her...it won't be a surprise!

Good luck...not a fun situation!

why not just tell her the truth? honesty is the best policy.Perhaps she can work on altering her child's behaviour so you can have playdates again.
M..

so difficult - I'm glad you put the question out there and I'm sure all these moms will give you the help you need, but I wanted to also direct you to the past files here on Mamasource - there was another question about this kind of thing recently (a little kid physically hurting her son, but the mom was a friend), so please read all those answers too.

Hi, J.,

I sympathize with you as I have been in somewhat similar situations. I recommend tactfully, gently and honestly explaining your feelings and your son's feelings. Tell her what you've told us. I like some of the other readers' suggestions on ways to get together with your friend.

Good luck,
Lynne E

What's wrong with telling her the truth? Why would it devastate her? She already knows the issue. Maybe this would be the push she needs to get the help she and her son need.

Why should you and your son endure HER issues?

IF you want to continue your friendship, arrange to spend time with her when you can have a sitter stay with your son.

O.K. I know that all these kind hearted moms are telling you to tell her the truth, but I have also been exactly where you are with one of my very best friends! To make it worse, her husband and my husband had been friends for years and that's how WE met, so it was no easy situation to get out of. I absolutely love her and she was there for me when I had my son to help, etc. (Her son is about a year older than mine.)HOWEVER!!! Her son is a very aggressive child, has been kicked out of preschools, disciplined constantly at later schools, been physically abusive toward my son (for NO reason - this kid looks for how he can upset everyone then does it - I've seen this on numerous occasions!) Anyway, I felt the same way, she has enough negative things happen all the time in relation to her son's behavior so I didn't want to add to her problems with my confession so I just had to constantly make excuses as to why we couldn't see them. I got really busy all of a sudden! Oh, we are going to grandmas that day, I'm not feeling well today, I have an appointment, etc etc. It got REALLY old - but after a while we just drifted apart. Which was sad for me but I would not subject my son to physical violence just for MY friendship. We adults do still see each other for drinks or whatever. and that is nice. I'm not sure if that would still happen had I been "honest" with her as I think it would've driven a wedge. Depending on how close you live to each other, are they going to be in the same schools? That is an issue you need to start thinking about. If so, you may be better off keeping open communication as you will probably have to deal with this for a looooong time if that's the case! If not, just find a way to distance yourself and son away from her and hers and hopefully they'll find someone else who can handle the behavior! If you do continue the palydates, make sure it is outside - at a park or somewhere where your son can "get away" when he needs to and they can play separately. Good luck!

Hey J.! Welcome to the dilemmas that only our children can bring! I know how tough it can be to tell someone the truth especially when it comes to their kids. However, we all have something to teach or something to learn from every single person we meet. You have either been given an opportunity to help your friend, or an opportunity to learn how to deal with this situation (or both). I would tell her that you feel bad when your child gets hurt when the kids are together. Maybe offer some solutions to help her, or just dont let the kids out of your sight when they are over to play. Maybe if you set the example by stepping in when her child is bullying (which is TOTALLY acceptable since this is your child you're proctecting and possibly even at your own home.)She may be getting frustrated with the situation, but she does have to help her child learn right from wrong. As long as you are calm and comfortable I bet she will be receptive. If you are nervous about it she will pick up on that and wont be as open. Try to relax and handle it the way you would handle your own child in the same situation. Your little one will learn to trust you even more by watching you stick up for him. Good luck!

Is it possible for the two of you to either join an already established playgroup or start your own playgroup with maybe 3 or 4 other moms, and meet at the park or Chuck E. Cheese for each of your get togethers? That way you can have the chance to chat with your friend but the two boys don't necessarily have to play with each other since there will be plenty of other kids around (playgroup kids and non-playgroup kids alike) that they can hang out with.

Just try to help her as much as you can. They have counselors at school at young ages now. My grand son was like that but he is doing better now. He is getting older and seems to be doing better in school and home. I would just be there for her. But mention couneling for him. Where he goes to school. They did'nt mention it to my daughter either. She found out when she transfered him to another school. But he started doing better when she put him in another school. She probably already knows why you turn her down. But she needs someone.

you really ned the truth here. you can tell her the truth without hurting her feelings. its called using tact.

i have been lied to about similar things, and it hurts way worse than the truth straight from the person themselves. they will always find out. in fact it sounds like she probably already knows. my son had a similar behavoral problem in preschool and i know exactly what she is going through.
it will be hard for her to hear it, but if you really are her friend you will tell her the truth. you dont lie to people that you care about.

also there are other ways you two can hang out if you really like to pend time with her, it will also make her feel better about the situation. if you invite her to a movie or to a nice place for lunch, just the two of you without kids.

i really hope things go well with your friend! please let us know how it turns out!

Be a real friend! How sad that you would not see her anymore because of her kid. I know its hard, and i know you are doing your best to rasie a child who is not out of control. Use it it as a learning tool for you and your son. He is old enough to explain behavior and consequences, what is appropriate and self control. I assume he will be going to kindergarten soon? Let him know you are going to hang out with your friend, and if he does not want to play with the other boy, then to just sit with you and read a book, watch a movie etc. We have to get along with people we don't want to our whole life, might as well explain it now (: Good luck, i hope you do not spoil your friendship over this.

Be honest. Yes she is getting hurt (you cannot control that) but at least she'll know the truth. And PERHAPS this will be the impetus she needs to deal with the core issues of WHY her son is misbehaving with everyone, everywhere.

"I'm sorry, but my son doesn't want to because of the aggressive behavior. So we'll take a break on the playdates for now and when things get better, we can have playdates."

Is there a divorce going on? New baby?

If it's a divorce there is a good SANDCASTLE's book on how to deal with it with young children.

i think you should be honest. obviously she knows this is an issue and if she's your friend, then she'll appreciate the honesty. on a side note, if her son has that big of an issue with being aggressive, i wouldn't have the child over until it has been resolved. either she is not consistent with the discipline or something because children are not actively aggressive and hurtful to others without either learning it from home or not being corrected when the innapropriate actions are displayed. your son doesn't want to play with him, and for good reason. if he can see the issue, your friend should be able to see it, too!

I wish I had a good book that I could recommend for you to share with her. If you could be honest with her and tell her that you are hesitant to play because of her son's behavior, you could recommend that you both read a discipline book and apply the strategies in the book with her son. This would also be a good lesson for your boy in conflict resolution. As they play you and your friend could watch for the behaviors, then jump in with the tactics that are recommended in the book and your son could participate in the resolution of the issue. Maybe you could check your library or a preschool nearby and ask them for a recommendation. I have not dealt with aggressive behavior (I have 2 girls) but my daughter's preschool was AWESOME at jumping in and resolving situations, and both kids participated in the resolution. If you work with her, you will strengthen your friendship and help her son. This is a really hard situation for everyone, and your friend is probably running out of kids for her son to play with. Even though it will be really hard, she will be grateful for your candor. Good luck dealing with this very sensitive issue.

You just need to be honest about it.
Yes, you feel for her and that's great... but your son already says he does NOT want to play with her son. C'mon... that is the answer right there.. and your friend's son is already proven to have behavioral problems.
Yes, it's unfortunate. But you have to be honest.

Tell her you like her friendship....but not for playdates and that your son's happiness has to come first.
You both can always get together, just the girls, sans kids.

If anything, this will really show her that her son needs help... and that she HAS to address it. At 4 years old...if he is a "bully" already and this aggressive, she HAS TO do something about it. Or, her son will grow up into a real worse "problem." And, this would be doing her a 'favor' by perhaps helping her to realize this. Really, I'm sure you would not want this boy to get worse, right? He could probably use some child counseling.

All the best,
Susan

Just be honest, in a nice way, and say something like, "Let's stop having play dates until your son gets his behavior problems under control."
It won't help your child if you expose him to a child who can't go to play group....

B. v. O.