Advice on Managing Sis in Law

I think these things are easily explained to kids: "antie Jo has no kids and she does not understand kids, so just love her and don't let her bother you."

I had a weird aunt. I was warned about her, I adjusted my expectations, even when I was little.

I wouldn't make my kids hug anyone they weren't comfortable hugging, and they are huge huggers! But if any of their relatives treated them the way your SIL is treating your son, I'd be more inclined to tell them to kick the person - kidding!!

Forget the peace, tell your son that Auntie is just a little different and doesn't understand kids so he should just not worry about her. Don't be rude, but don't force him to make the relationship work either.

Next time she DEMANDS a hug?
Tell your son "high five for Aunt Sue?"
Followed by "He's not into hugging." directed at Aunt Sue.
If she chooses to be "not nice" to him when his interactions aren't up to her standards? Who cares?

SHE is the adult. Does being a blood relative alone produce a close relationship? No. He needs to be respectful and polite, hellos and goodbyes but she doesn't get to dictate HOW he does it.

1. Your husband needs to handle this - it's his sister.
2. She's a grown up and needs to act like one.
3. Don't make your son hug her. Affection should not be forced.

You can't "keep the peace" when she is not making it peaceful.

Your son is no longer a baby. He is his own person, with his own personality. He doesn't click with her the way he did when he was a toddler, etc. He's shy, and she needs to respect that. As long as he's not being a jerk, and is only being himself, his actions aren't the issue.

He needs to say hello, be pleasant and respectful.

Hubby can tell her to respect the fact that her nephew is shy.

When you leave family gatherings, tell your son to "say goodbye", but do not tell him HOW to do it. Let him hug who he wants to hug, lean if he wants to lean, fist bump or high five. It's HIS body.

And if she keeps giving your son a hard time, your husband can tell her she's not welcome in his home until she acts like an adult.

Stop trying to keep the peace and quit ordering your kid to hug relative strangers.
Relationships are 2 way streets.
Tell SIL if she wants things to be different she needs to be more flexible.
If she doesn't like kids then she can wait till he's an adult and maybe they'll connect then.

Wow. She's awful. I would NOT ask my son to hug ANYONE who treated him like that. Please don't push that off on him.

I don't care whose feathers it ruffled - I'd tell her point blank that he hardly knows her anymore and that he is becoming a shy child. He is also ONLY 7 YEARS OLD and not a small adult. She has chosen to not learn anything about children and that's fine since she doesn't want to be a mother. But she is NOT allowed to be mean to your child.

Tell her you won't put up with it and let the fur fly. Otherwise, you are letting her treat your son this way. Don't allow it.

Agree with Alisafey. As far as 'how to handle her' I would allow your son to create his own boundaries and respect that. IMO there is a big difference between a kiddo avoiding an aunt who dislikes children and disrespecting an elder, if that's where your concern lies.

Thank goodness she obviously knows she is not mommy material. Still however all people need to be nice to impressionable children. Please don't make your son hug her again. He obviously is not comfortable with her and it sounds like his intuition is right on... I would apologize to him for trying to make him hug someone he wasn't comfortable with. He's 7 years old, a high five for a good bye will do with a friendly uncle or other adult, it should be good enough for her unless that too would be too disingenuous.
I'd follow up with the aunt about how you want her to interact with him. Keeping in mind she likely doesn't like children and has no skills with them. Tell her that pushing your son aside was not appropriate. Try to just move on from making a relationship between these people. I had a uncle like this growing up, my dads brother, and it was awful having family get togethers where our parents and grandparents, tried to force my sister and I, and our uncle to interact. It was so much better when they moved on to letting us all coexist and mingle with whom and in what manner was most natural at family functions. AKA we did not interact with him other than to wave bye from the door.
Once we were teens and now as adults we all get along naturally fine... I think that some people are just really bad with kids. Try not to force it. Sorry I know that's likely disappointing.

use humor. It removes all negative drama & focuses on a more positive way to approach family issues.

body-slam (gently) the two of them together, hug them both, & say...."we are family" (Sister Sledge style).

Seriously, knock out her immature angst & provide a comfort zone for your son....all in 1 Big Happy Hug & you'll set the tone for the future. :)
It works. I swear to you. IT WORKS.

Your SIL is immature and clueless. That said, making your son go give her a hug was unwise. He does not have to do that, ever, and he needs to know that it is his choice.

They don't need to have a relationship at all if they are not compatible people. Stop pushing them together from your end. If your SIL is intentionally mean or demanding something your son does not want to give, put a stop to it right then and there.

Some people don't enjoy kids. This is ok. I don't think you need to make it a big deal. I do need you should remind your son now and then that Auntie is just not a kid person...she has no kids and she's a little uncomfortable around them. Tell him she just isn't good with kids but he still needs to be polite. I would not make your son give her a hug...hugs should be spontaneous. I would make sure he walked her to the door with you and said goodbye, thank you for coming. You can mention to her that your son is shy and is not really into hugging people. Don't worry about it if they don't have the best relationship in the world...sometimes kids grow up with the odd Aunt, the grouchy grandpa (we have a couple of these), the grandma who only likes babies, the uncle who is too rough and loud. It was not appropriate for her to push your son away...this just shows how odd she is and that she is pretty self centered and narcissistic AND insecure. I mean, what normal adult gets insulted by a child giving a half-hug. It just shows loud and clear that she has issues.

Heidi, Alissafey and Marda have some good suggestions about what to tell your son. Doris and B have good points about this being on HER and not on a child. Give him the input he needs to not take this personally - of course he doesn't want to hug her, she's rude and off-putting, letting him know from the get-go that he doesn't measure up. I don't believe kids should have to hug or kiss people at all, let alone people they don't like or who don't like them. Affection is earned and acquired, not forced. I DO think he can be taught good manners, how to look someone in the eye, and how to say hello or "nice to se you." I have a neighbor I really admire in this regard; her kids were always taught, and prompted by her, to say "Good morning, Mrs. Smith" (not just "hi"), and she would say, "Look her in the eye and say 'thank you' for the Halloween candy" or whatever it was. And they did. And they do now (at 10, 13 and 15). It's quite a delightful thing in the neighborhood, and it has and will continue to serve them well in the bigger world! They are good at finding odd jobs in the neighborhood, well regarded at church, etc. So teaching your child how to handle difficult or cold or nervous people is a good thing for HIM as well as good manners. He doesn't have to hug her, but he does have to know what to do to avoid doing so - that is, he needs to know what to do, not just what he doesn't have to do.

For her, I'd be sure to chat her up really warmly yourself, and if you can drop a comment in now and then about how he's on the shy side, great. Tell her, if she pushes, that he's going to follow her lead, and once she rejects him, he's going to be standoffish. Remind her that he sees her rarely and also that kids change and develop over time, so 6 months ago they were, in some ways, a different child. If she pushes back, you can just say that child development and aunt/nephew relationships don't develop in a vacuum, and that kids respond to warmth and gentle acceptance more than rejection. Then get up and leave, or change the subject. But I don't think you can convert her, so I'm not sure you should try if you only see her a few times a year.

Well, first, you can't "manage" anyone else. This is just the way she is. Don't try to force or fake a warm fuzzy relationship where there isn't one. It's okay. Your son is learning about different kinds of people, and this is a crucial lesson for his whole life. The only thing you need to do is let your son make his own decisions about who he interacts with, and definitely who he hugs. If she says or does anything offensive to him directly, that's when you step up as a parent to defend him.

Her: "I don't want a hug like that, it's insulting."
You: "He's only a child, please don't speak to him like that."
End of discussion.

If she wants to further discuss the relationship with you, then it's fine to discuss it at length, but in the mean time only deal with it on your end, she probably won't listen to anything that is said to her anyways.

Great question - I go through this too. Except it's with my MIL.

She's demanding with her hugs and forces it on you. She's very insecure and says "Grandma needs her hugs!". It's embarrassing, awkward, and if you decline she says "Oh you hurt my feelings...". Usually there is an audience around.

I never found talking to her had any effect. Honestly, if people are like that (insecure, demanding, thinking only of themselves) they aren't entirely rational.

I would concentrate on your son. Tell him you don't expect him to hug her, but say hello, and be pleasant. And if she says unkind things, do as you would anyone else - that's her, not you.

Good luck :)

she sounds pretty bitchy, and completely clueless about kids.
but she doesn't have kids, so i guess it's not surprising.
this would be a meh for me. it would certainly color my overall perception of her, but there's really no need to create a big stinky family drama over it. your son isn't going to be scarred by it unless he's picking up on waves of angst from you over it, and it's not likely that confronting your SIL would make her become warm and fuzzy.
in this case i'd just address it lightly with my son. 'go say hi to aunt arselia, hon' and leave it up to him. kids shouldn't have to hug if they don't want to. if she gets pissy over it, it's on her.
but i wouldn't prod my husband into a confrontation.
khairete
S.

Since they see each other so seldom, and only in group settings (where after greeting each other, she will probably turn to the adults and he will go off with cousins or off to occupy himself, as he should), I would not worry much about "managing" this situation. She doesn't know anything about kids this age, clearly, and it sounds like she might be a person who is not going to be open to being told that.

If your family does want to say something, your husband -- not you, him, because his family is his job here -- could try, "Hey, sis, about Billy. I heard you say his hug was 'insulting.' I get that he wasn't very affectionate but there's something I wanted to let you know. He isn't intentionally insulting you. This isn't even about you, really, but about his being a kid of seven. Kids at seven get shy and balky with lots of people, and don't respond well to parents' orders to hug and and so on. We'll always tell him to say hello because that's basic respect for an adult, and we always expect that. But if he isn't all about hugging and affection, please try to understand that his stage and age mean he just isn't going to be all warm and fuzzy. We wouldn't excuse or condone rudeness from him, but we also won't push him to be huggy either."

Still, I suspect she won't respond too well to that. I'd have husband say his piece and then move swiftly on to another topic. Don't worry too much about "keeping the peace" since you don't see her on your own as a family and you don't sound as if you're close to her emotionally, to be honest.

I would talk to your son and just say, before an event where he'll see her, "When we go in and say hello to everyone, we expect you to go up to Aunt and say hi directly to her. If she asks what you've been doing, tell her about (activitiy he likes). As soon as you have said hello you can go downstairs and (whatever he might do to keep busy, or 'you can go get a snack' or whatever these gatherings are like....)" Prepare him in advance next time you know she'll be there. He does not have to fake hugginess but he does have to say hello directly to her and not try to hide behind you or dash away fast--that's just good practice for social skills. But no, it's not his responsibility to re-do a hug that she expects to be different.

If she were really interested in a relationship with him she would learn a bit about kids and would bring along something they could do together like an age-appropriate game, or a game for him to play with cousins if any are there. But it sounds like she's just focused on his greetings and expecting warmth that isn't going to be there, which is understandable since he seldom sees her.

You might tell her, "I've noticed that things are strained between you and DS. I'd like to help improve that. He doesn't see you often, so it's hard for him to be comfortable with you. However, I think if you tried to engage him in an interest like (try naming something she might also like), you would get a warmer reaction." As for the hugging, I don't make DD hug anyone. I feel that's her choice. MANY little boys stop hugging people as much when they get older. I just tell DD to say good bye to whoever we were visiting.

I have a young nephew who is very shy. He will hide behind his parents for the first half hour or so. I greet him and then I sit on the floor and play with trucks or something til he comes over and we engage that way. If we leave and he doesn't want to give hugs, that's fine, too. Her behavior toward your son when he does warm up sounds like my SD when she was a teenager and she needs to grow up. If she is rude to him, then you might have DH point out "Hey, Sis, what's up with being rude to my boy?" I think it's not the no-kids thing that is her problem but her personality. Many of our friends have no children and are nice to ours.

But bottom line is relationships are 2 way and if she won't make an effort, neither will he.

Further, as he gets older, he can speak for himself. "I don't really like hugs. Can I give you a fist bump?" Or "Sometimes I feel shy, but it doesn't mean I don't like you." But it still goes back to the bottom line.

I might during the next get together casually mention your son's personality and how he's not able to respond in the way some people expect him to act.
It's OK to keep a distance from him or some such thing she might appreciate.

I suggest based on your description of how she treats him that she doesn't like kids and thinks she's supposed to ask for a hug.I would do as Heidie suggests. Help him know that how she treats him is'nt because of any thing he does. I would then run interference for him. Try to seat him next to you or his Dad. If he wants to sit next to someone else be sure an understanding adult or teen is near by to destruct attention away from him.

I would let him hide behind you as you exit. When SIL asks for a hug hold his hand and say something like son isn't into hugging everyone today. If she says well, he's hugging other people comment on how well he knows them and back away.

It might help if you were more friendly with her. Chit chat about unimportant things. Show her approval when you can without being obvious. I suggest that there may be more to her rudeness than not liking children. How does she treat the rest of you?

When exiting make sure son isn't close to aunt so she'd feel like she had to hug him. Focus on taking care of your son's feelings. You can't please everyone. It seems obvious that she's difficult to please. You can help your son feel better about himself so her words won't affect him so much.

These ideas are just off the top of my head. Be respectful and kind to both your son and her while protecting your son. Another idea is for you to make the first move while leaving. You say a few quick words and move away.

You also might find a way you could be sympathetic with your son. Perhaps when she is talking with him, look at him and give a sign. Perhaps a long wink or a thumbs up where he can see it. Practice it at home.

You can't change her but you can make her way of talking with him easier for him to take. And you can keep them as separate as possible in a casual way so that they won't be as aware of what you're doing.

There really isn't anything you can or should do to change the way behaves. It's not your place (or your husband's), and it wouldn't work anyway. I wouldn't address it with her, but I would address it with your son.

It is possibel that over time their relationship will change. She might even change. She might have an epiphany at some point and want to have a better relationship. But for now, it is what it is.

The best thing you can do is help your son accept his aunt for who she is and consider the best way for him to deal with it. You can talk to him about giving a quick hug that he is comfortable with and that she would accept. You can even talk to him about giving friendly hello & goodbye's that would be well received so that he doesn't feel he has to give a hug. That's something you and your husband should talk about ... ways that he can interact with her that don't make him feel uncomfortable.

Ultimately, it's not up to you or your husband to try to change the aunt. Accept her for who she is and go from there.

SIL is clueless and intense! You should never "force" your kid to give someone a hug, especially when your kid is not interested or comfortable in doing so. He probably senses she's too intense as well. Some kids simply do not enjoy being hugged by people they perceive as strangers. The SIL should know better, but she doesn't have any kids and that explains it. Your hubby might need to step in when you are exiting and when the "hugging" comes up, he can say, "Oh, he's not always into hugging folks. Don't take it personal!" I feel the same way, there are just some people, I don't have the desire to hug and others that I do.