Advice on How to Deal with Brother & SIL Who Ignored Both My Daughters' Wedding?

I would stop expecting a caring relationship from him. I am guessing you will never get it, so it's better to not expect anything. You know, my dad never once visited either of his siblings or his dad when I was growing up. He never ONCE took my brother and I to meet any of my cousins or aunts/uncles. My grandpa visited us occasionally at least, so we did get to know him before he died. When my cousins got married my dad did not go (his sister's kids)...his excuse is always he can't afford it (even though he always had a good job). Some people are just like this. You know what is even sadder...my dad didn't even come to my wedding be he and my stepmom claimed they could not afford it. It would have cost them practically nothing. Yet they spent $30,000 on both my stepsister's weddings. Some people just suck.

Not all siblings are close. It sounds like he is into is own life and in all fairness, he does live far away. Don't take it personally....I know plenty of people who do not participate in their nieces and nephews life events.

Not wrong at all. He's not a brother, he's someone that shares DNA with you. He's made it clear, through his actions, that he wants nothing to do with you. Honor that and just let him be until he pulls his head out of his backside.

You cannot force a relationship. With anyone, blood or otherwise. You have to let it go. Send cards and gifts to your niece if you want to, but don't do it because you are looking for something in return.

Let it go, and focus on the good people in your life.

p.s. Your daughters were probably perfectly happy at their weddings and did not miss your brother's presence (or presents), unless you made a big deal about it.

I read this sentence in an article about dealing with disappointment:

You can't get milk at Home Depot. If you try, you'll end up disappointed.

You want milk (a relationship), your Brother is Home Depot. You're not going to find what you want there. You need to stop going there for it. Be polite, be loving, but let go.

He can't be the brother/uncle you want him to be.
You have to let him go.
Send him/his family cards if you want to but let go of the idea that he/they will respond in kind.
Or drop him off your distribution list - he/they probably won't notice.
You'll get a warmer feeling volunteering at a soup kitchen.

I suppose I am not seeing the part where you HAVE to deal with it. He doesn't live in your vicinity and you sound like you have basically no contact. So what is there to "deal with"? Except for your own emotions...

Accept that you don't have the relationship with him that you wish you did. And accept that it isn't in YOUR power to change that. It's not wrong to want a brother, but it is terribly cruel to yourself to expect that at this point. You have seen what kind of relationship he is willing and capable of having with you. That's all there is to it.

And as far as the weddings, I agree with a previous poster who said that it is doubtful it bothered your daughters in the least, unless you made a point of drawing attention to it. I would guess they probably do not have a very close relationship with their uncle, correct? So why would it be any skin off their nose if he didn't come to their wedding? It wouldn't. Do you truly believe that the happiest, most momentous day of their lives was spent feeling blue b/c their disinterested aunt/uncle didn't come? Doubtful.

Send cards to your niece if you wish to continue fostering the relationship with her. And don't make any pronouncements to your brother about cutting him off or being "done". Just... let it go.

My take is a bit different than the previous responders.

Whether you want a brother or not, you have one. And he isn't you. He doesn't think like you. To him, sending a card doesn't show that he cares. Not sending a card doesn't show that he doesn't care. And, not all siblings are close. That's just life. It doesn't mean they don't love each other or care for each others' well being.

I live 700+ miles from my family and it is hard to travel that distance. Logistically it is just difficult.

I don't have a very close relationship with my sister. We are very different people. She hasn't reciprocated cards, gifts or phone calls in years. I send birthday gifts to my nieces because I want to, not because I expect my sister to send gifts to my children in return.

Stop expecting things in return for whatever it is you do. If you want to send a card to your brother/his family then do it because you are thinking of them. Don't do it because you expect or wish for a card in return. If you want to end your relationship with your brother, do it. But I don't think it is going to make you feel better.

Oh, one more thing. In all likelihood your sister-in-law feels that it is up to your brother to communicate with you as he sees fit. I certainly don't tell my husband that he needs to call his sister unless she calls me looking for him. That is between them. And, I have to say, he doesn't have a close let's talk all the time, hang out, send each other mail kind of relationship with her but he loves her.

Seems like gifts are more important to you than your brother. It also seems like you are only sending them so you can say see I am caring and he is not. You are doing things for all the wrong reason.

It is not "wrong" to want a brother but you can't force a relationship. It sounds to me like you need to let this go because you are allowing it to effect you emotionally which takes YOU away from your own family.

Stop letting this eat you up and go live your life with your own children and family.

Don't take it as something personal against you. Don't compare what he does with your family. Who cares what your SIL does for her family. This is not a game to keep tit for tat score.

I do not send gifts with the expectation of getting a gift in return. If that is what this is about, then your gift giving attitude is wrong. No one "owes" you anything..

It is up to you to fulfill your own life and be happy. If this means letting go of a relationship that sounds toxic because you are losing too much emotionally from it then let it go. So you have a brother and things are not what you expect... that is ok.. adjust your own situation and don't wallow in the pity of a relationship that is not there. You don't "need" your brother to explain things to you.. move on. It is ok.

The only thing you can do is to do what makes you happy and to expect nothing in return.

Brothers can be stupid. And his wife obviously hasn't got a clue or a care in the world about how to deal with his sister.

Don't expect anything and you will feel better.

I don't think you're wrong - it sounds like you're trying to protect yourself and your family from any further hurtful behavior.

I would focus on accepting that I'm just not going to have a close bond with my original nuclear family, unfortunately. You probably need to grieve that.

I would not have any confrontation or "words" with him - I'd just let it fade away. I'm not sure what is to be gained by formally cutting him off. To me it takes more emotional energy to do that than it does to send a Christmas card once a year and perhaps chat on the phone a couple of times. I wouldn't go out of my way for him any further than that, though.

So sorry you're experiencing this! <<hugs>>

ETA: I agree with Rosebud and suspect that the wedding issue was a bigger deal to you than it was to either of your daughters.

He does not care about you and your family. You need to accept that and move on. One day he will regret his actions. Life is too short for this kind of stuff

Your brother is being who he is. You can't make him treat you the way you want him to. Your disappoint lies in the gap between what you have in reality and what you believe things should be.

Learn how to live in the reality of who your brother is and how he is. Accept him for who he is and how he is. He is being authentic with you.

It is not his desire to exchange gifts with you or his neices. It's not a crime or the end of the world. It is just the facts. I would encourage you to find or discover "family" elsewhere. I have girlfriends that are closer to me than my natural sister. It's fine. I've made peace with it because it is what it is. Neither of us have the capacity to be anything different than we already are and it is truly fine. My father struggles with it because he believes we should be best friends, hang out and talk everyday. LOL. Even when we lived in the same house we didn't do that. We don't have many things in common and we are fine with our relationship.

Learn to get to a place in your head and in your heart where you can accept the reality of who your brother is and make peace with that as best you can.

My brother, oldest sister, uncle and mother have very little to do with me, or my family. We speak rarely, though I do continue to send them nice Christmas cards and small gifts. They never send me (or my kids) anything. When my children get married they will be invited but I doubt they will come.
Luckily I have the love and friendship of my youngest sister and my only cousin, but that's it.
You can't get hung up on what life is "supposed" to be. Family or not, relationships can't be forced.
I know it's hard to hear but if he really wanted to be a part of your life he would make an effort.
Try to focus on the people who love and care about you, blood has nothing to do with that!

K., wow, that is definitely sad and disappointing. I'm sorry that he is uninvolved with you and your family, yet you have continued to think about him.

My vote is that you pour your goodness and sweetness and giving spirit into your 2 daughters and their new husbands and build reasons for them to have a relationship with you. Your brother has chosen not to reciprocate in kind. So perhaps it is time to just send cards, like them. It's time to emotionally disengage a little bit, so that you can open the doors for other people worthy of your affection.

You could be talking about my sister. She is very self involved and does not think about how her actions might affect other people. I have come to understand this about her, it is simply who she is and she will not change. Yes, it bothers me that my kids never get a birthday card or call, or Yuletide gifts ect even though I have always made sure each of her 3 kids got a gift for every occasion. It is not about the gifts, it is about the recognition that you exist. I, of course, would never punish my nephews for my sisters poor behavior, and have just had to accept that this is the way she is and she is unlikely to ever change.

Once I stop expecting her to behave the way most people would think to be with family, it stopped hurting that she was so thoughtless. Its still annoying of course, but I have accepted that we will never be close.

It's not wrong to want a brother, but he's not into wanting a sister. It's HIS loss, though he doesn't know it, K..

He actually DID tell you that he isn't interested and didn't want to come to the wedding. He did it by giving you excuses. Really, what would you have said and how would you have felt if he'd said "I'm not interested in a relationship with you, so we're not coming to your daughter's wedding"? You would have felt terrible. You really would have wanted him to do that? Maybe even HE isn't that harsh. Stop wishing for such an admission from him. Saying he doesn't have time for the talk is the same thing.

Put this away. Remember that the cards and gifts to his child are for HER, and not for him. If you want to keep your relationship with the kids, then that's what is important.

I will tell you that in a lot of couples, the wife is the one who buys the gifts. Your SIL obviously has no interest in doing that. I kind of fault her for not sending at least a card to your second daughter when she got married. That's just awful. She should be ashamed of herself, but then again, these people don't care about others much.

All you are doing is hurting yourself by desiring something you aren't going to have. If you need to talk to someone about it, go talk to a counselor. Maybe that would help you to let go.

J B said it perfectly! We deal with this too with my DH brother/sisters. They could care less about us and our kids. We have tried for many years to get close to them and have a family relationship with them but they are all so self centered, its pathetic! They are not a warm family that welcomes you with open arms, they operate very strange. In 2010 my MIL passed away and about a year later my FIL gave their house to the youngest daughter (there are two boys and two girls) and the oldest daughter called my DH and I and moaned and bitched and complained that her sister would do anything she could as long as she was taken care of. Well, turns out she went and told the family that we were the ones complaining..... LIE!! For the last two years we have nothing to do with them. No harsh words, no letters, no emails... nothing. We have just stopped communicating with them and stopped going to visit them. About 4 months ago my FIL asked how come I hated them so much and my DH said "dont even try and blame this on my wife, this is both our decisions and so if my brother and sisters want to know what is going on, we need to have a family discussion". Yeah, i am still waiting for the family discussion to take place. Life is too short. I know it hurts you without a doubt, but you cannot change a person and you cannot make someone show you or tell you they care about you. I would just dust myself off and walk way knowing with full intent that you did everything you could..... good luck honey! Hang in there!

I believe that your love language is gift giving (if you don't know, the book is The 5 Love Languages) and that is how you show caring. That is a perfectly valid love language but not everyone "speaks" it. Your brother may not care or he may not have a good way of showing it. I have no way of knowing. For instance, if his love language is acts of service or if he is a hugger then those are hard to do from 500 miles away.

It boils down to this in my opinion - do what you want to do to keep in touch and don't expect anything from them.

Be happy in a way that your brother doesn't bug you. My son constantly wants us to come to him. He forgets the road is both ways. My daughter lives in Texas and he lives in Colorado. Daughter says that Colorado is not big enough for the two of them to live in.

Son can be and is overbearing and wants to still control "baby" sister who is a full fledged adult. He can't seem to get past the thought of her being able to function without him. A few years back he showed his true colors and they were not pretty. Even I did not know he had this deep a dark side and it was very unsettling. To say the least, sister was nice and went to the wedding as a bridesmaid but that is it. Husband has even suggested to son that he needs to go to Texas and spend time with sister in here neighborhood which he has not done. He has gone on cruises and such nearby but has not stopped in on the way down or back to say hi.

It is just too much drama that son has caused and sister is not into dealing with it. We live in the middle in New Mexico and that is close enough to him. At one time I did want to be closer so that I could spend more time with the grandson but that did not happen and maybe it was for the better.

So be careful of what you wish. You could have had a situation like this where each has valid reasons but they will not meet in the middle due to childhood issues.

It would be nice if we were like his wife's family always together and doing things but it will not be. Besides we were always moving around as a military family and have some roots around the world verses staying in one town.

the other S.

PS Create a new family with friends.

" I love my brother but I think that I don't want to be in this relationship if it stays the way it is now"

K., you're the only one in this relationship. He's done everything he can to show you he has no interest in being anything to you.

Sorry, I have spoken to my brother twice in 4 1/2 years. Once was when he brought me a box of pictures from my mom's house and then when the tornado his Moore Ok this past May. It went right by his house, that elementary school was blocks from his house. He had not answered the phone when I called any other time. He answered it that day because he picked up the phone that had a broken caller id on it.

So much for being the big brother I grew up with and followed around like a puppy. He was my hero and he hates me now.

So I do understand. But the fact for both of us is there is no relationship there at all. It's not you leaving it, he's already gone and has been for years.

Wow. There are big differences of opinion. From, your brother is an ***hole, to your expectations are completely over the top, to being mad at your SIL, to, it's your own emotions that you need to deal with.

I'm pretty much in you Brother's camp.

No male in my life ever sent cards. My FIL thought they were a waste of time and one time we sent him the money we would have spent on a card and he LOVED it, lol. You are not a better person because you do. You are pretty stubborn to keep doing it when it's not producing the result you want. You have only your own emotions to deal with. He's not doing anything TO you.

It is drastically unfair to blame your lack of a relationship on you Sil because she didn't send you cards. It was rude of the family to not send a card and gift for the niece's weddings. I lived 650 miles away from family. Both my nieces are 10 yrs older than my kids. They both planned weddings during the school year. Guess what? That's not going to happen for us to be there. I sent all my nieces and nephews birthday stuff till they were 18. Not one thank you. I stopped because its obvious that my gifts were not that important to them. I do send their kids Christmas gift cards. But not to get one back. That will never happen. I still love on them when I see them.

I've made a life apart. A whole, honest to goodness, life. I bet your brother has too. He is not going to sit down and listen to you whine about it. Men don't like that at all.

Maybe it was because you were raised that way? Was he raised somewhere else? In the barn? He's just different and you are not Better.

The road does run both ways. You could go see him. I bet he would react better to that.

I definitely get that this is frustrating, but it's the way some people are. You don't have to like it, him, your SIL, any of it, but you don't stop loving him because of it. That's just my two cents.

its simple....you are who you are. that goes with everyone else in your life. can't expect two ppl to feel the same about showing how they care. if you don't care to hear excuses, don't ask, dont invite. simple.

my family is small (mom, dad, brother and my son). Thankfully we all live fairly close (i am 2hrs away). We stay in contact (mom). My brother who will always have a special place in my heart, he has his own life and i do not expect him to be involved with my life daily, monthly or even yearly. When he was married, i never talked to him and rarely saw him. Plus i was having my own life.

Now that we both are divorced and i have my son, i talk to him frequently. I expect NOTHING from him. Even my parents. Yet i know that won't ever happen. They always call, they always send cards, they always send gifts, just be cause. But that is MY mom..dad could care less. Believe its just how men are.

Be happy with your own immediate family and spend that love, energy and time showing them you care. Life is too short to worry about everything or everyone else.

When we grow up...our lives take a 360 when we become adults. Same goes for everyone else in this world. Your brother is no different. Plus he has a life of his own with his own family. If you expect stuff in return, don't do your act in kindess. if you do things to make yourself happy without expectations, then continue doing what your doing by sending cards, gifts etc.

Just let him be...HIM! and you be YOU :)

Well, unfortunately you can't pick your family. People are who they are. Just don't give up that one day things will be different.

K. R,
You have to understand that not everybody "gets it" when it comes to family, special occasions, and so on. Keep in mind that," you shouldn't give to receive" , (Yes ,it would be great if everybody was as thoughtful and caring as we are, but, the truth is : They are not !) Know that you do the right thing and continue to do the right thing,but, don't have any expectations about the gesture being reciprocated. Love him regardless of his actions or lack there of. You only have each other as far as family goes, don't lose that, although it may not be what we wish it was, family is still family.
I can understand as I was always invited to my husband's family's special occasions,birthdays, wedding showers, baby showers and so on and I never even got a thank you card, I felt like the only reason I was invited was to give A GIFT. And none of his siblings ever gave us gifts or cards on special occasions, nor did they ever acknowledge my kids for any reason. It did hurt my feelings , but, I had to stop and consider the fact that they are not me, nor do they have alot of the values I have, and that I probably shouldn't have expected anything from them. Since my husband is now passed away, I see them on rare occasions, but they don't put forth any effort to really stay in touch , so neither do I. It's less drama and stress for me, they thrive on Drama , It doesn't mean I care about them any less, I just choose to not involve myself in their chaotic lives on a daily basis and deal with lies and drama. Do what you feel is right for you and don't have any expections, without expectations you can't be disappointed. C. S.

If you want a caring family I would just work on keeping a loving close family with your children. Your not in a relationship with your brother. It sounds like he wrote off the family years ago. I understand how you feel. My younger brother has done basically the same thing. I have seen him maybe 5 times in the past 15 years. And one of those was because my mom tricked me. It is not that I don't want to see him but more than I am done turning my life inside out in the hopes that he might or might not want to see me. He is to busy to make time to see the family and I am too busy to care. I love my siblines and my mom. But I no longer go out of my way to try and make "family" events happen with them. I invite them to everything if they come great if they don't oh well. The people who really matter to me are my kids and husband. Don't let your anger / sadness color your feelings about family. Make a strong bond with your kids and eventually with your grandkids and the ones who matter will be around you.

Sounds like it's time to give him up. DNA does not make family. I have 2 brothers. I've had to do this with my oldest brother. We are cordial around my mother on the rare occasions that that happens. You'll burn yourself out if you keep giving and giving and get nothing in return. Go through the routine of sending important invites or whatever but don't ask questions and don't expect anything. Then you won't be disappointed. Just accept the fact that he's your brother in name only and move on. You've tried to talk to him and he refuses. Life is too short so just move on and accept it. You don't need that extra stress and aggravation in life.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

Yarmiety said what I was going to say.

Your brother is his own person. Yes he could be selfish, but maybe he is not organized, not a social person.

If I did not remind, purchase or come up with gifts etc.. My husbands family would not have received 95% of the cards! gifts and phone calls they have received for the 30 years we have been married.

It is just not his thing, because his mother took care of this stuff, his father never did. When we married, I was I retail, so I purchased all of the gifts, cards...etc..
My sister and SIL have not sent us gifts in over 7 years, but I still send my niece and nephews cards, money and gifts.

I gave up years ago trying to figure out his family, but I gave up. I just do what I want and I do not worry about them.

It is not wrong for you to want your family, but sadly some people are so self centered and so full of their own lives that they don't want to bother with others, even if it is their own family. You can't change that. I have been through it. The best thing for you to do, is nothing. Get on with your life without your brother. If you want to invite him to something, go ahead knowing he won't show, and be excited if he does. No expectations. Talking it out won't work either, since he thinks he has done nothing wrong. He will turn it around and say that you are the one with the problem. Keep sending gifts if you want to, but if it were me, I would stop. I hope you have some good friends, because that is where you should put your time and energy into. Good luck to you, and I hope you have a wonderful holiday season.

Maybe he is having a hard time dealing with the loss of your parents. Perhaps being around family makes him sad and he is handling things the manly way...ignoring it.

Otherwise, you know how there is more to being a dad than just being the father, maybe this applies to your brother, but in the brother way.

I am sorry you are going through this, it sucks. My sister turned her back to us 4 years ago. My daughter begged to talk to her aunt, but I couldn't make it happen because she wouldn't take her calls. She would text her a message back.

We are hearing your side of this. He is telling his wife and family something about you.

I'm saying this because I'm living it. My two sisters and I fell out after my father became terminally ill. They have their side of the story and I have mine as to why the communication is broken?

Hopefully, one of the nieces, Oprah, or Iyanla Vanzant can help adult siblings mend their fences.

It's not wrong to want what you want. it is wrong to expect from people what you have no right or reason to expect. He's been like this for years, so you have no basis for expecting him to be different. You have to learn to accept people on their own terms, for who they are, not for who you wish they were or want them to be. I get that it's not easy to accept people when you think that you're right and they're wrong, but....

Oh, and he really doesn't owe your daughters gifts. It's nice but not a requirement. You have to decide if your future gifting will be based on whether or not it's reciprocated and just move forward accordingly. Either way is okay. Just fix your expectations to reflect what's really going on.

Then stop trying, but don't stop with your niece. Not her fault her parents lack any manners.