Forgot to Send Wedding Thank You Notes and Is Now Pregnant

L.,

Interesting that the ones who think thank-you notes are not necessary are also the ones who were so rude to you! Different standards...just very interesting.

Here's what I think: written or even typed thank-you's are appropriate and necessary. It lets the giver know you received the gift (very important) and that you appreciate it (very considerate). However, life moves quickly these days and sometimes we don't get everything done in a timely manner. I gather from another of your posts that your SIL is very young, so it is likely that she is overwhelmed with everything and just doesn't know what to do. I would recommend helping them type up a generic thank you that also announces the pregnancy - something cute, like: "Crazy math at the Smith household! Two became one (insert a wedding picture) and then two became three (insert a sonogram picture)!! We want to thank you for your wedding gifts to us and we apologize for the delay - obviously, we were having too much fun to write! :) But please know we love you and appreciate your wonderful gifts and friendship. We wanted you to be the first to know our family is growing, and we are so happy you will be a part of our baby's life as well as our own! We love each and every one of you so much." Then, have BRO or SIL write a short, one line thank you at the bottom - thanks for the nutcracker, Aunt Mary. We think of you every time we use it!"

Then, two or three weeks after they mail that out - and you might want to sit down with them to help - you can send out an invitation to a celebration party for the new parents-to-be. Don't make it a shower - that implies a gift is expected. Making it a party will allow people to decide if they bring a gift, and probably most will. When you print up the invitations, print up another generic thank-you note ("thanks for celebrating our pregnancy with us! We had so much fun, and we are glad you were part of it." or write a thank-you poem, if you're creative. Then, tactfully monitor having your BRO or SIL write the one-line thank you at the bottom and mail it. If you print the invitations and thank-yous at the same time, along with address labels, return address labels, and stamps for both sets, it will make it very easy. Also, make a list of people you invite, with headers noting: Name, Invitation Sent, RSVP Received, Gift Given, Thank You Note Mailed. Then, it's easy to check off or fill in each category, and at the party, easy to track who gave what gift. Then, if you sit down with them later to fill out thank-you's, your notes make it very easy. Lots of hand-holding, but it's worth it. You all get to celebrate, you help them "do the right thing," and you also model HOW to do the right thing! That's a great lesson for someone who is about to become a mom - and a great way to bond with someone who is going to need such a great sis-in-law and friend as you! Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful

Whew........It is amazing how some of the mamas here can give such a great tongue lashing at someone. Granted, most would probably not say what they did here to your face.... :)

I believe in thank you notes. I was raised to do the right thing. I have taught my daughter the same value. It is funny...my 13 yr old gave her best friend a very nice gift and she reminded me that she had not received a thank you yet. Yes, I had already noticed.

I do believe most people just get self involved and bypass manners.

I would more than likely go ahead with the shower and hope for the best. It is not something I would ruin a family relationship over but it says a lot about character.

Now...let the tongue lashing move from you to me....LOL

2 moms found this helpful

Wow... sorry some of the responses have been so harsh. I'm only 27 (close enough to you in age) :) I completely agree with you and they should send thank you letters before you have a baby shower. A friend of mine got pregnant within 6 months of her wedding and when she sent thank you letters (almost a year later), she announced the pregnancy at the same time. Maybe your brother and sister-in-law would be willing to send out an "update" to everyone who sent a wedding present - it could be something done on computer - with a personal hand-written note at the bottom thanking the individual for their gift. They could have fun with the update by talking about how "busy" they've been and how much busier they are going to be once the new little one arrives. Just a thought. (If they're looking for fun newsletter templates, Microsoft Office has some fun templates that are free to download and use. I've started using those for our annual Christmas "letter".)

One other thing - if I gave someone a wedding gift and didn't receive a thank you, I'd be less likely to get them a nice gift for a baby shower. Maybe that will motivate your brother and SIL to send some kind of thank you. But, then again, I also RSVP for events...

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I think Thank You Cards are necessary. If you go to a shower and eat the food, that isn't a thank you!! A Thank You note shows good manners and good upbringing. Ms. Manners would be appalled.

However, it was their mistake, not yours. Have the shower, enjoy it, make it a great day for them. All you can do is have good manners yourself, you can't control the manners of others.

In this day, many manners have gone away, like the RSVP. We us all kinds of excuses, we got too busy, or whatever. Don't let the negative comments get you down. Have the party for your brother and sister-in-law!!

1 mom found this helpful

I think thank you cards are important also. But I believe after this long, I would let the wedding thank you's go. Invite everyone to the shower, and then offer to help her with the thank you notes.

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Maybe you can help her by purchasing the thank you cards and return address labels for her.
It would encourage her to do them. Offer what ever help you can. She might not have been raised in with the same regard as most of us Southern Belles. :)
I will be honest with you. I did not send my Thank Yous to everyone for the Wedding Gifts out of spite Because my husbands grandmother informed me that I wasnt getting them out fast enough. I did not keep that practice though with the Baby shower.
I am sorry that you people were being so rude in their responses.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi L.,
I'm only comment-ing because I have a suggestion. The SIL relationship, at least for me, is a little sensitive. They have different ideas for how to raise our kids, what to cook, whether or not to work, etc. And it's harder for them than for me, because my mom is my mom, so we tend to agree and they feel left out.

All that to say, what I would do (I've been to showers where they do this), is have envelopes with pens when people come in. They self-address the envelopes instead of signing a guest book. Then you know who was there, and she doesn't have to address the envelopes. That way, you don't have to confront her about thank-you's, and she will get the picture that she should send them, and you don't have to talk about the wedding thank-you's at all. Also, people that might feel bad about not getting a thank-you from the wedding will know right away that hey, this girl DOES send thank-you cards. They'll probably just assume theirs got missed or lost.

I'm sorry for all your negative comments, this isn't really about whether or not we think thank-you notes are important, at least not from what I read. You want a good relationship with your sis-in-law, and that's what really matters. Hope this suggestion helps.

A.
www.greenbabydiaperservice.com

1 mom found this helpful

Okay, maybe I worded it wrong the first time. I certainly did not intend to be rude or hurt anyone's feelings. I just don't understand how you could say, "I personally wouldn't go to a baby shower for someone that didn't thank me for their wedding gift." Really, L.? And you other ladies agree that because someone didn't send a piece of paper to you that you would snub their baby shower?? I can't fathom it. Please explain. Yes, it's nice to be appreciated, but to expect it from someone and then not attend their party because you didn't get it??? Why expect something?? Why not just be happy you got it if you did or forget about it if you didn't? Why, people? Don't we have other things to think about and worry about nowadays instead of "oh no, I didn't get a thank-you card"? There are so many more important things in life. Like I said, please explain. I'm not from around here, obviously, but I don't see the importance. Giving things should be about giving, not getting something in return, right?? You give a gift and be happy that you could give something.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi sweetie!
I agree that people will understand if anyone is put off by the no thank you card thing that it was their mistake not yours... have the shower and have a great time!

Also, I want to add to the few who think they dont have TIME to send a thank you, Imagine if no one had TIME to RSVP, go to the store, buy a gift, card, wrap it and bring it to your party... Im sure they are just as busy as every one else yet they probably spent more time buying a gift, wrapping and bringing it to you than you would writing a few thank you cards and putting them in the mail box... its a matter of priority and respecting and appreciating people for their time and generousity.

L., I have to say its refreshing to hear some one else thinks its important to send thank yous, Keep it up girl! We need more people like you to keep this world a friendly place to live! :o)

If you need any favors for the shower let me know!
A. J
www.celebritypartyfavors.com

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with you. It is very rude, yet becoming very common, for people to receive gifts for formal events and not send thank you notes. However, since it was not you who did not send out the thank you's, I would invite everyone that you think should be there. The ones who do not want to attend due to not being thanked for their wedding gifts will decline the invite. In fact, don't be surprised if they do not RSVP. I am sure that the shower will turn out great anyway!

1 mom found this helpful

Wow, now I know why no one RSVPs for events anymore - basic manners have ceased to exist.

Thank you cards are not meaningless bits of paper - they show the giver that you truly appreciate their time and thoughtfulness. I used to think it didn't matter either. Then I moved away from my family and realize that sending a thank you note is a wonderful way to include the giver in your joy even when they weren't able to be there for the celebration.

Now - on to your sister in law. First I would let the issue of the wedding thank you's drop, it's water under the bridge by now. By the responses to this thread it's obvious that different people have different views on this. Maybe she was raised to not write them, I'm sure any offense on her part wasn't intentional. Throw a shower for her. Take care to write down everything that she receives and the giver. Then after the shower ask her if she would like you to help her write the thank you notes and get them out of the way before the baby comes.

Good luck, and good job!

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I just wanted to add my 2 cents since there were some negative comments.

I do, too, believe in "thank you" notes. Someone spent their own time & money to get you a gift...the least that person could do is sit down & write a "thank you" note. I personally think it's rude not to.

I think you should throw the shower for her, but then give her the "thank you" cards to her at the end of the shower. Tell her that you know she's tired, hurting, & busy getting ready for the baby, & you wanted to help her out.

I know this is improtant to you, and that is so wonderful!! I think it is admirable that you got all of your cards sent out despite everything you had going on, but most of us are not that wonderful!! I honestly would never think about whether or not I recieved a thank you card from one event before agreeing to attend another shower. It would not even cross my mind really! I think the idea of getting email addresses is great, or do what I saw once, and have everyone address their own envelope when they come in, sort of like a sign in type thing. But honestly, understand that it is no reflection on you whether they send out cards or not. You need to remember that each of us has flaws and imperfections, and yours may just be in a different area, so try not to let your judgement of the situation affect your relationship with them. I dont mean to sound critical, it is just that sometimes what is one persons strenght is anothers weakness, but making a decision not to throw a shower seems a bit much for the situation. I hope that it all works out! ~A.~

I would say lighten-up. Everytime I give a gift I specifically in the card request that a Thank you note NOT be sent to me. A gift is just that a gift! I care about the person I am giving the gift too and I know it is appreciated, Or I wouldnt attend the event in the first place. If you are going to be that judgemental, you are going to add a lot of stress to the situation and miss out on the true joy of the occassion and possibly put a wedge in your relationship with your brother. (for the record I grew up in a prominent family of "old fashion etiquette" and we wouldnt dream of snubbing someone for not sending a "Thank you" card the action of not attending for that sake is pretentious, arrogant and rude.)

Dear L.,
I have also been apart of mamasource for a while and one of the things I like is that I can get objective opionions on something, not that everyone just agree with me. I trully was not trying to be rude and apologize for the misrepresentation of words. I just wanted to convey that it is not worth ruining a relationship over a card and that when you hold someone up to your standards and they let you down they will always feel judged by you with hurt feelings on both sides. My point is put more emphasis on the relationship and not the card. I am not against "Thank yous" or "good manners" I just dont want to judge someone for not getting one to me. I hope you understand what I am saying. Good luck!

Look unless she is the queen and you have the royal family, i seriously doubt you will have a problem with people not coming. Oh my gosh i am so glad things have changed. Not saying that my boys don't have manners cause they do, but i would hope no one really got all bent outta shape over not sending a thank you note!
If it were my sister I know my mom would be all over her butt, she is old fashion too! But to each their own!

Hi L.,
I've read the other responses to the post and really feel for you. Here's my 2 cents... (no lashing, I promise)

I graduated from college, got married, had a baby, and bought a new house (and received some housewarming gifts) all in the same year (2002). I was overwhelmed - the man at the post office knew me I bought so many stamps. I got thank yous out for the wedding, and some for the baby, but that was really it. I think I wrote them constantly for a year afterwards. I was SICK of them.

Then, when my daughter came along, 3.5 yrs later, I didn't do them. I felt bad - hey - I STILL feel bad. In fact, I feel so bad that I still carry guilt for the notes I didn't write for the previous occasions. I moved recently and found a box of shower stuff from my son (baby #1), and I pulled it out and told my husband I was going to finish my thank yous. (He laughed at me). Everytime I get one from someone, I feel like "Oh - I should send them a thank you for having sent me one! How nice!"

So, my point is, your sister in law probably feels equally as toad-ish as I do for not sending them. Just let it pass. She is probably so excited about the baby and you can always help her out by suggesting that you all get together to do announcements AND shower thank yous...
~C.

Just a little FYI, i agree with you..I was brought up to send thank you notes, I am 31 now, and am teaching my child the same thing I was taught, I just look at it as a polite thing to do....Keep sending the Thank you notes girl, believe it or not people do appreciate it, I know I do.....

I realize I am running on about 4 hours of sleep...but YOU"VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME???

Your only brother...your first neice/nephew and you are worried about getting a thank you card??

I've had a wedding, 3 kids and 4 showers. I can tell you of 2 occassions I've actually sent out the cards. 2.

It's not that I'm ungrateful or being disrespectful, it's that with a full time job and three kids, who has time anymore for "cards"? Yeah, they're nice to get. And I do indeed try and call them from tiem to time and express my gratitute at their thoughtfulness, but I don't have a any issue with not receiving a thank you in paper form.

Now is it proper? Sure it is. But I doubt it's a slight on your brothers (or sister in laws) part.

Invite everyone you know to come to the shower. Have your brother and sister in law make a sweeping gesture to everyone that comes to their shower, "I hope that I get to all the personal thank you's but if I don't, thank you for the bottom of our hearts for your kind gesture".

I have been to TONS of events in my lifetime. Less than half send out thank you's and the other 10% send out a sweeping email that says a simple thank you.

Which leads me to another suggestion...get everyone's email address...powerpoint (or other program) a nice thank you and email it to everyone all at once.

You do the right thing...THAT would be the proper thing to do.

I agree that thank you cards, especially for special occasions such as a wedding or baby shower are important and traditional however, the people and the giving are more important. Life is too short to let (the lack of a) thank you note ruin your relationship or take the joy out of your giving.

I think Thank you notes are not just 'good manners' but they are a requirement. I think you and everyone else are right to assume that they should have sent Thank you's. When people go out of their way to buy you a gift, the least you can do is thank them. I havent read other posts but Im shocked that others dont see thank you notes as necessary.

I hope you did go ahead and throw the baby shower. It will be their problem if hardly anyone shows because they never received their thank you. Hope this turned out well.

How about a personal written invitations.
Mr and Mrs. so and so would like to announce the up coming birth of their first child. Just as the union of these soon to be parents was made even more special and joyous being shared by all their friends and family they would like to invite you to a shower celebrating the the growth of the union you witnessed just over a year ago.
Or something to that effect. You acknowledge they were there and invite them at the same time