Advice on Getting the Husband to "Tune Out" Then "Tune In"

Since it's kind of hard to change his thinking about "relaxing", you might want to invest in a DVR or Tivo system. They're not that expensive anymore.

That way he can record his favorite shows and watch them after the young one go to bed.

This way he doesn't feel attacked or spited for wanting to relax for himself and you also allow some time with the the little guy.

On a personal note: I truly believe childhood should be protected from adult content. We have a whole lifetime to know what real life is, childhood should be reserved for good memories and happy times. :-)

Hi, K.;
It works better for me to be part of my husband's relaxation. We have been married 21 years and had the same type of problem with t.v. preferences and "I work all day" statements. I would get your house hold ready for his arrival home from work. Include your son in welcoming him. Have things he likes ready...supper, robe/slippers, newspaper, clean living room, and be a blessing to him when he walks in the door. Yeah, spoil him. Whatever makes him happy. After the fuss, take your son into another room for an hour and do something together. Then, invite your husband to do something with you both, or at least watch a show all of you can see. Let him have his favorite show. In time, YOU will be your husband's relaxation, not the tv. He will come home thinking, "I will be glad to be home and see K.." Maybe he needs more encouragement and appreciation from you. I KNOW you work all day, too. I am a Mom, I have been there and still am there! But the men need something from us. Encouragement. Send him notes in his lunch bag, and stuff like that. He feels depleted. I know he isn't the only one. But I think women have a better capacity for coping with certain things. Not fair? I know. But it is so worth it. When your husband comes home and is happy to see you, what better ending to a day? I will pray for you. You can do it. J..

HI K.,
Maybe your husband is depressed? It's understandable that people work all day and need some time to unwind, but how does a show like Cops help you relax?? Maybe you should have a heart to heart with him about how this is affecting the family as a whole. The types of shows he's watching aren't good for your little guy and the model he's setting for him isn't either... if he loves those shows and t.v. is one of his favorite hobbies, maybe you can plan to be at the park with your son for a half hour or hour to let him relax and then the rest of the shows can be tivo-ed or taped for later viewing. There should be some sort of compromise for the sake of your son, you and your husband. After all 4 hours in front of the t.v. a night is wasting his life away too...
Good luck

Hi-I would be nearly as concerned about my husband as I was about my son. I think you have it right by just removing your boy from the room and finding a healthy alternative for the two of you, but what about your husband? There is nothing wrong with occasionally lounging in front of the tube but if he is really watching everyday from the time he gets home to bedtime then something is wrong. What about household chores, exercise, family dinners, reading, sports with his boy and a million other fun and interesting things people do with their time? I know for myself if I am exhausted sitting around is the worst thing I could do. If I get up and take a walk, play ball with my girls or do something outside I always feel energized and have a better outlook on life. I don't think anyone ever looked back at their life from their deathbed and wished they had spent more time watching TV. Try to help your husband to see that 25-30 hours of TV a week is no way to live!

WOW! I couldn't agree more with Jill I.! If I could send her a million flowers I would! She is totally right in saying that YOU be his relaxation. I totally understand you too: our men have been gone all day, and we've been home all day. He wants to stay home, we want to get out!!
But, my biggest fear was that one day, my husband won't come home because of me. You don't want to run him off somewhere else to find that relaxation. I gotta repeat what Jill I. said...have everything ready for him, have a big welcome, and relax together. He will want to come home to you everyday. You gotta make him feel like "a knight in shining armor" that just came home from war...for you! Thats what men do for us, they work so that we could stay home with the kidlets. I know that's changed alot in our society where women think that stay-at-home moms are slaves and husbands don't give a rats behind, but deep down in a man's heart, that's his fantasy. To come home with dinner made, ready to relax with his children, and see the face of his beautiful wife. It's a FANTASY thing...not a macho thing. I want to be my husbands fantasy! Now, of course he's gotta balance his time with the t.v. That's where you come in and talk very calmly about it...just like how many of the responses are. And set a "game plan" for the day.
This WILL work, you just have to dig out that extra patience and compassion, and communicate! Make it sexy even! Map out a plan with him and say because, once the kids have had their daddy time...i want my daddy time too!
Woooooo! Will you have his attention!
:0)
Good Luck!!

K.,

My husband also said he needed time to "relax" in front of the TV when he got home from work, and since he's gone all day, our kids want to sit with him. Our oldest (age 4) always asks him to turn it to cartoons, something she can enjoy too. It used to annoy him, but after she came home from pre-school talking about how she played "Bad Girls Club" at recess, because she watched it with Daddy the night before, he got the hint that she TOTALLY picks up on what he's watching. I think before that he didn't realize that she was RETAINING and LEARNING from the TV. My daughters know that they can give daddy a big kiss and hug when he first gets home, but then he wants to watch TV. So now, he'll put on the news or sportscenter and kind of watch for a few minutes just to get an idea of what he may have missed during the day, and then they go PLAY. He'd much rather play than watch cartoons! And then he can watch his "Bad Girls Club" or whatever after dinner, when the girls are getting their baths and going to bed.

It really is about family and priorities. When he complained that watching TV is how he relaxes and switches from work mode to home mode, I very calmly asked him when he suggested I do the same thing? I have to wait until after the kids are in bed, so wouldn't it be nice if we could do that together?

I know you have a battle ahead of you, but try to talk about it after the kids are in bed and try to say "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Such as, instead of "You always come home and sit in front of the TV", say "I'd love it if time with the kids could be time with you, too". Offer a compromise of being at the park when you know he'll be getting home from work, and give him 30 minutes to unwind - but when you get back (30 minutes after his get-home time) the TV goes off until after dinner. Maybe the reversal of being excited to have YOU ALL come home will help him get off the couch, too!

Good luck!
A. E

K.-

I'm sorry for you & the kids. First of all, you and hubby need to have a heart to heart. He is being totally selfish. Some men need to know that their life does not 'end' at 5 with their job, it 'begins' at 5 when they come home. Tuning out in TV land is not a life. Of course he's tired, I'm sure his job is tough, but that is not an excuse to neglect his family for a fantasy land like TV.

Now, the dangerous part. My previous neighbor let their son watch whatever he wanted. They had on any show and he'd be running around. I tried to gently tell them that these shows were damaging, but 'Jaws' was his favorite movie at age 4. Give me a break. The kid had a TV with cable in his room since he was little. He is now a hard to handle, aggressive 12 year old boy and they just can't understand how this happened. Kids need boundaries in this area. They need a dad who is willing to put himself in their lives, not just when it's convenient. It is never convenient. Your husband is missing out terribly and if he wants to ruin his relationship with the boy and you, he is well on his way. By the way, good for you to take the child out of the situation and be sensitive to it.

I may sound harsh, but since I've watched these things occur it is imperative that these lessons be taken to heart. Perhaps you have someone in your life your husband respects enough to talk to? A good friend, pastor, his father (or therein may be the roots to this problem), your father or just some man who can help him see what he's missing. TV is fantasy, he may be addicted, getting him into reality will be a challenge, and just like any addiction he has to first see there is a problem.

Be loving toward him, but I do believe getting him to sit and talk to you and be honest (no screaming or crying), but tell him how you feel, that this is damaging your relationship and you really want his help to fix this. Men want to be a part of the solution, ask him to help take control of his family again and not just escape. When he escapes to fantasy land (TV) tell him you feel like he doesn't want to be in the real world with his real family and it hurts.

I don't know if this will help. I truly hope it helps someone. I just keep thinking of that little boy I used to know turning into someone violent and hateful, the warning signs were there, but they chose to ignore them.

Good luck
D.

This is a great topic ,one that we've been evolving with for eleven years in my family. I've had this same battle with my husband and I am so happy he works swing shift now. We always get along better with this schedule. But this has been an on going struggle and one thing I had on my side is a back ground in early childhood development so I presented alot of facts about this to him. You can too. There is alot of info on the web and do it in away that lets him know this is just out of love for your child.Say it all with sweetness in your tone. Get the tevo like others have said. It is the best thing! I love tevo! And then keep removing your child from the situation because he needs at least one parent who is willing to sacrifice. I know it's a drag to do it alone but maybe he'll start to see he's missing out on all the fun stuff your doing together. My husband has deffinatly clued in by my doing this. And now the proof is in the pudding. My kids are older and he see's what great kids they are and they are not tainted by t.v. Our job as moms is full of sacrifice but thats because we can. For dads it is hard and their sacrifices are different . You can do this. There is alot of good advice from everyone and I couldn't agree more about handling this with a loving spirit so it dosn't become a power struggle. Thats not what this is about. It's about raising a wonderful little boy and being a family. Best wishes.

Hi K.!

I'm not sure why dad's think it's OK to let their kids watch Cops! My husband used to do the same thing. I told him that it could give our boys nightmares, and even though he didn't agree, he finally stopped letting them watch it. It almost created WWIII, but it's stopped!

I asked my husband, "do you think I like to watch Tigger and Pooh? or do you think I watch it because it's better for our boys?" I tell him that I watch inappropriate things AFTER the kids have gone to bed. The kids learned that mommy watched shows only for "big people", and they can watch them when they get bigger, just like daddy.

Your kids just missed their daddy, and want his attention immediately when he gets home.... I hope your husband understands this.

One solution....You might want to get a DVR for your husband, so he won't miss his favorite shows, and can watch them at a later time.

My solution....At first, I put a TV in our garage for my husband, so he can watch while the kids played outside. That way they were "together" when he got home from work....sort of. It was the beginning of a new routine. Now when he gets home from work he and the kids have their "little things" that they do before dinner, afterward, my husband can watch whatever he wants because the kids got their "daddy time" in immediately. And they've moved on...

That's it! Hope it helps in some small way. This is a difficult situation, because it involves arguing with your spouse....which is never fun. I hope things get better for you.

:o) N.

That is hard that you guys aren't on the same page about the type of T.V. your child is exposed to. But I agree with the advice above and I think you can find a way around it.

I know it is hard to try to be patient with men when they are acting like such boogers....but I agree you won't win this by discussing it with him or being demanding (although being demanding is SO much more fun!) :-)

Try "killing him with kindness" as advised above. I think you will be surprised by the results you get.

Tivo helped us. We were having a similar problem. We invested in a Tivo. We can record tv shows/movies and watch them later. My husband and I curl up on the couch after the kids are in bed and watch what we recorded. So if the tv is on before the kids are in bed it is age appropriate content, and when the kids are in bed my hubby and I can unwind together.

Well, no one has suggested marriage counseling, so I will. It seems pretty unreasonable that your husband has this notion that he doesn't have to contribute in any way whatsoever. And that he doesn't feel responsible for creating a constructive environment for your child. I'm sure he's a great guy; he sounds a bit overly tired and grumpy, though. Being loving is always good advice. Good luck.

Tell your husband that you are still working your shift. Mom duty never ends. You are tired too, but that's no reason to just do nothing. If roles were reversed he would appreciate all the work you do and understand that your work at home is just or more challenging. He gets to go to the bathroom by himself, have lunch without any struggles or diaper duties--and of course the tantrums while your trying to make dinner or on the phone.

Hi K.,

Thank you for posting this question. I find our family in this situation as well and it really bothers me sometimes. For us, it's mostly on the weekend when we're just hanging out at home. My husband will channel surf and watch violent, action movies that are inappropriate for our son who is 3 1/2. Up until recently our son never really paid attention, but lately I find him glued to the TV when he shouldn't be. When I find this happening, I usually just try to redirect our son's attention or take him outside or to the playroom. My husband usually gets the hint and joins us, but it's frustrating that he can't see why this is a problem in the first place.

Good luck to you!
A.

If you have a TV in your bedroom than that is where he should watch these shows, and not with your children next to him. These shows do make an impression on a child. He probably knows that but is too tired to "get it" intellectually or emotionally. What you might say is "I know you need some alone time to relax. How about I take the kid(s) to the park now and we can fix dinner together later?" It's worth a shot.
Hope this helps
Patti

Dear K.,
If your husband loves TV to "chill out", that doesn't have to be a bad thing. However, since you have a 4 year old son, he can really take advantage of TV time with your son before the kid goes to bed to watch Animal Planet, PBS, Discovery Channel, Disney Channel, History Channel, etc. I often feel like a terrible mother because we could not live without cable television, but there are so many enriching things to watch as families.
My husband, (who I divorced for different reasons) used to come home from work and want to watch the most violent thing he could find on TV. Or, that he had rented. I will never forget the time we went to Reno and I had a 10 year old daughter and 10 month old son and he rented the Brad Pitt movie, "Seven". It was all fine and dandy until the bad stuff started happening and I literally was pulling the blankets up over the kids heads and begging him to turn it off. It was like he had no clue it wouldn't be appropriate. HELLO! He did turn it off, but then he griped about wasting the money to have rented it in our hotel room. He didn't even think that it might be disturbing to anyone else, and let's face it, that's a pretty disturbing movie. I don't think there is anything wrong with making a bowl of popcorn and having family TV time. There is SO much educational stuff on TV that doesn't involve guns or violence. And you can turn TV time into family time without detriment. I would take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and if he doesn't want to go out after work, then you can have a cavalcade of family appropriate television watching lined up for the evening. If he hates watching child appropriate stuff, then he may be motivated to get outdoors more often. If he doesn't mind the child appropriate stuff, then you can call it "family TV time" and make it special. He can watch whatever gory, crappy stuff he wants after the baby's gone to bed. But you have to strike a deal. If he doesn't want to go out and be active after a hard day at work, then he has to watch kid appropriate TV until after the kid has gone to bed. It's part of being a parent. He can watch what he wants after the kids are asleep. He might actually find that he enjoys the time with the kid stuff.

Hi K.,
I, like many others who have responded, have this issue in our house too. I don't argue with my husband about it. I can't change him and he makes his own choices. I just make it clear to my son that this is not t.v. for children and that he is not allowed to watch it. I give him choices about what he would like to do instead (while Daddy is watching this show.) I know it is a drag to feel like the only one who cares about it in your house - but don't get caught up in "poor me - why do I have to do everything." It gets you nowhere. Just do what you know is best for your child and hope that Daddy gets on board. Good luck!
-C.

Is your park within walking distance? Try leaving a go-cup filled with iced tea or whatever on the counter with a note that says you and the kids are already at the park and would he please join you? I had the same problem but once my husband planted himself on the couch there was no getting him up. Don't be surprised if it takes a few times for him to catch on. Most important--don't ask him why he didn't join you. Just talk about how much fun you all had at the park.

Talking to your son and showing him what programs are ok. Does he watch cartoons during the day? If its cable, you should be able to block it. I have 3 boys myself, and they like that kind of thing. I would never encourage that its ok. I don't like the things that come out of their mouth. Instead of your son sitting with him, ask your son to watch tv with you, if possible.

Hi K.,

My advice is to pick your son up and engage him in something else. If your husband complains that this is "his time" with your child, tell him that you agree but that these shows are inappropriate for your son. Try not to get angry or judgemental and just state the facts. The sad fact is that you cannot change your husband and he is really missing out on the opportunity to have fun with his son.

Relationships are all about negotiations sometimes and maybe there is a compromise. Maybe he can have 15 minutes to unwind, then just take half an hour to be directly engaged with his son. It sometimes helps to have professional advice as ammo. For instance, a child rearing book that states the ill effects of too much tv, exposure to violence, etc. I could usually get my husband to respond when he found out that it wasn't just me being a "know it all" but there are experts out there who say the same thing! Good luck K..

Sincerely,

L.