9 Yr Old Stepdaughter Wanting a Cell Phone for Her 10Th Bday!!!

Hi K.,

In my opinion, a 10 year old does NOT need a cell phone! Our son is almost 18, didn't get his until he was 15. Our daughter is now 13 1/2 and has tried but we've dug in our heels. She won't get hers until she's 15 either.
They've used the "I'm the only one without one" routine and we said that they had plenty to borrow from. There is a phone in the school's lobby that is always there and always free. We are involved enough that we already are at the school functions/sports and we know all their friendn's parents.
Plus, I've already seen the problems. Again, our daughter does not have a phone, but she has told me as well as some parents, about the gossipy texts and voice mails that go around about other girls. It's hard enough to been a teenager these days, now there's another mode for them to bully one another.
Our son left his phone in the kitchen one day when he went up to shower. Of course I used the opportunity to scroll through all his text messages. *I don't need any messages about his privacy, he knew when he got it that it is OUR (parents) phone and until he's paying for it 100% it's OURS!
I took the phone back to him and asked "who in the heck is Andi? Tell Mary to quit texting you at 3 AM! And the next time Britany tells you to sneak out, he damn well beetter not!"
Yes, I admit it has come in handy for our son to have it, but we grew up without cell phones and we did just fine. I know that sounds old, but it's true!

I say, dig your heels in. You don't have to be popular, your a mom.

All the best and in good health.

L. K

2 moms found this helpful

My daughter is 11 and has a cell phone. Many of her friends at school also have them. For me the cost was minimal, an extra $10 a month on my Sprint family plan and we share the minutes. She is extremely responsible about it and it has been useful to me for many reasons. For one, if she's going to be away, I know I can contact her. Alot of times her father doesn't pay his cell phone bill and his phone gets shut off so I have no way of contacting her when she is at his house. Also, I rest assured that there is a GPS tracking device that I can use in the unlikely but possible instance that she goes missing.

I don't think you should make judgements across the board that no kid should have a cell phone until they are 16. I think it very much depends on each individual child and their individual needs.

2 moms found this helpful

I have two sons. The youngest (15)one has one. He got it two years ago because of sports activities. So I know when to pick him up.

The oldest (17) still doesn't have one. (They do switch off with it if he has to go somewhere) But he was playing no sports and has no job. No use for one.

Parents are letting their kids grow up too fast. If your kids are 8, 9, 10 go to your local high school and look at the girls there. My sons say the "nice" girls are few and far between. Yes I know it's just a cell phone. And she just wants to talk to her cousin. But by 12 it won't be just the cousin. It opens up a door that you have no control over. Sure you can shut it off but it causes the sneakiness to come out in kids.

Parents throw their kids to the wolves so they can look cool.

Think people.

2 moms found this helpful

I'm with you. 16 would be the youngest that I'd consider getting them a cell phone. You have to bear in mind the cost of plans that allow a massive amount of text messaging, which they love to do, and that most companies charge 35-40 cents per minute in overages. That can really add up to a lot. I would explain to her that as a birthday gift one year, you and your husband are willing to purchase the cell phone and activation fee, but she would have to have a job to pay the monthly bill. That's what I plan on doing with my kids anyhow. I never went without growing up, but I was definately not spoiled. I didn't have my own cell phone until I was about 21. Another option to consider is a prepaid cell phone. That would avoid overage charges and contracts, and when she's old enough to have a job (or use an allowance, etc.), she can pay to add airtime to it.

2 moms found this helpful

My almost 12 year old daughter just got a cell phone. Her father and I both work and there are time that it is nice that she has the phone. I keep the phone with me unless we allow her to take it with her based on the place/situation. This is not a replacement for me know the children she is friends with, the parents of those children, or used as a babysitter. In our case it is extra security for all of us. I will point out that it does not have internet acces or texting. It was $9.99 to add her on and she got my old phone. I think it should be based on need, maturity and the situation surrounding the need. Just my opinion:)

Chris

2 moms found this helpful

You could look at it as a way to teach her responsibility..get a prepay phone that you have to buy time for instead of a contract. Maybe she can earn the money for her minutes of use. Damaging, losing or being stolen was the biggest problem I had with my son with his.
My son got his at about8 years old, yes I understand how you feel too. I was 35 when I got mu 1st one.

In today world..I felt better that I could reach my child anytime, he had an element of feeling safer out playing,walking to school,a friends house, etc..

His step-father felt he was too young also but in my heart I felt it was a good thing. Yes, it's a learning experience but it could help your relationship with her. Letting her feel you do believe in her and trust her. Have faith that she will take care of it. She could get additional phone card minutes as gifts from others for her bday if they know ahead you will be getting her one.
Cell phones are like video games now a days to kids. One game for a system is $50 or more. As kids we didn't have all that.. cd's ( records in my day), a new stereo,pierced ears, a bike or boom box was a big deal.
Now a days a kids cell phone bill becomes their first "bill" or responsibility, it used to be car insurance or gasoline.

You are going to think different when you own child grows up.

Being "the" step-parent sometimes can become a control issue as well.. don't let that happen. A cell phone is a big thing but it's the first of many. Just another part of being part of a childs life. I could almost guarantee that she won't forget her phone at her moms when she comes over..haha

Ya know, I never made a big deal about my kids clothes or other stuff being at their dads..after all it is thiner stuff isn't it? I always wondered why my kids step mom always had such a problem and issues like about that.

Who cares who bought what, it's their clothes etc.. they learned to take what they needed back and forth or they had to do with-out. They eventually learn. But it shouldn't be a battle between you and her.
I feel that it is the responsibility of the parents of a young child to talk to the other parent and say "hey..would you please remind ___ to bring ____ when she comes? Thanx Alot." The kid didn't ask to be in the situation.

It's something else to deal with but that's life.

I am curious what other mothers think, I hope you get some ideas that will make this easier for you.

1 mom found this helpful

My 10 yr old has a phone. It's a lot of work supervising it. Hold off as long as possible. Mine has it so she can contact me after sports practice it was purchased for my convience not hers. The fastest way to turn a 10 yr old into a 15 yr old is to give her a phone with little restrictions. We have very set rules that I won't give on. My daughter has friends with phone and no restrictions and it scares me they text older guys and some of the texts are pretty shall we say adult and I'm talking about what the 10 yr old send. We set restictions after I hear another 4th grade girl tell mine on the way to a basketball game that she had texted a boy and asked what he liked about her body. OMG that is not something a 10 yr old should be concerned about. we were also recieving txt messages in the middle of the night. So I would sugggest that you think long and hard about the phone and should you or her other set of parent decide that she should have one have a strict set of rules at least at your house as to when the phone can be used and who she is allowed to txt/talk to. Phones also make it 2 easy to call and complain about the way things are going at your house or grandmas I seen this also and it causes problems just becuase the little darling hasn't gotten their way.
Our Rules
1. No phone out of the pocket/purse when we family time ex. visiting grandmas, at meal time at ballgames, riding in the car etc.
2. No phonecalls/txt after 8pm school night 10pm weekends
3. No phone when you have a friend over or at a sleep over. They/you are a special guess and should be treated as such.
4. No phone out at school or phone will be taken away
5. Parents have full access to phone no text messages erased with out parent seeing them should they want
6. Don't text anything you wouldn't want Grandma to read
7. No texting boys with out permission
8. At night phone is placed on parents desk.
9. No phone until all chores are done.
10. Parent calls are answered (if on the phone with friend hang up becuase we pay the bill)

Also should you get a phone services like easyedge, photomessaging, etc. can be blocked but YOU must request it. Having it blocked it can save u a fortune on the bill. A friends 16 yr old cost her almost $200 because she thought it was part of the service other wise it wouldn't be on the phone.
Good Luck.

1 mom found this helpful

My 10 yo stepdaughter wanted a cell phone and we got her one....it is a pay as you go, not a contract phone (that will come later as she proves responsible enough). The deal is that since it is a pay as you go, she earns her minutes, determined by you. The phones are not expensive, and if lost you do not have to finish paying a contract. This (I hope) teaches her minute conservation since she knows she only has a limited number of minutes, whether it be calls or text.

K.,

It's so hard when other people are letting there kids do things you don't agree. I did let my son get a cell when I discovered he could go to the mall with me, but go his own way. He was 7th grade. He is also 6ft tall and 200lb. I still felt safer when he had his phone. I only last night let him get texting. All his friends use it and I realized that socially he was the only one that couldn't. I did set strict limits on him. Now, my niece is 11. She got her cell phone at 10. I was so shocked. I was like you, it is not needed unless they are going to be in a situation that would put them in danger. This is my own opinion. I think that your struggle with this rule is because dad is lax about it. Don't feel guilty. Let her know way before the birthday (if you decide not to get her one) that she is not getting one. Dad needs to agree and not let you look like the bad guy. This could cause severe friction with you and her. He needs to step up to the plate and be daddy. I always done what I thought was right, and always told my son that I would not allow things just because his friends get it or do it. The only thing is, if it severely keeps them from being social and they are teens and are being kept out of the social circle because of it and you can afford it, then, it is ok. Keep using your best judgement, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Kick your husbands butt, ha. just kidding, but, tell him to step up to the plate or you will spend all his money on the new phone and get yourself one too. Money always makes them wake up. ha. Good luck
DE

Hi there, my daughter is 10 and she has a cell phone. Here is the reason why I got it for her, first of all, it is a Migo which only has 5 buttons for dialing so 4 contacts home, my cell, her dads office and his cell and 911. It's basically for security and I love that she has this. When she's at school, a friends house, wherever, if there has been a time to need us, we are reachable. There is NO texting because the phone isn't capable of that, (trust me, she wanted that kind - but I explained it's not even an option at this age). This type of phone keeps the phone for emergency use only , not a toy to be texting and chatting with friends. I hope this is helpful. Good luck!

I agree with your decision. If she wants to text she can get on the computer and use the instant messenger or call her cousin and talk. If your hubby really pushes for the phone (maybe for emergency reasons), get one of those emergency kid phones that has only 4 numbers you can program into it. No texting or special features except GPS device which I think is important for safety reasons. If this doesnt work, say "you can get one when you can pay for one!" They arent toys and if they just wanna talk to someone they can use the home phone!
Hope this helps!

I know several parents that their young kids have cell phones even 7 year olds. I think they are a bit young but it's usually the parents that are over protective and scared something will happen to them that buy their kids cell phones that young. My daughter is almost 13 and I won't let her get her own yet. We do have 3 phones on our plan and the 3rd one is shared by all 3 of our kids. We mainly got it for our oldest in high school because he is so involved in so many things like Band, work, sports, etc. that we got tired of waiting in the parking lot all the time to pick him up and they wouldn't be finished on time so got the phone so he could call us to pick him up when his events were finished instead of taking up hours of our time waiting on him all the time throughout the week. The basic rule of the phone is whoever is gone on an outing and needs it gets to use it and even our 8 year old uses it on occasion when he goes to a friends house to play so I can call and tell him when it's time to come home. We do not have unlimited texting as I do not agree that kids should just sit there and text back and forth all day so any texting done on the phone, they have to pay for which is usually 1.00-3.00 a month as there are a few of their friends that just don't get it and text them anyway but the kids don't text back so that discourages their friends from texting and they end up having to pick up their phones and call them because they won't get their answer to their text question until they call.
My daughter has a 13 year old friend that is addicted to texting and texts ###-###-#### messages a month. I think young kids this age are not responsible to have their own cell phones especially with texting. Jr High kids tend to bully each other in text messages and parents have no clue what is being said in those messages. I told my daughter if she shows herself responsible in 8th grade and makes good grades then she might get her own cell phone in 9th grade. She is getting more involved in after school activities and youth group activities so will probably need one then as kids tend to go to more events in high school but as a 7th grader this year she hasn't proved herself responsible enough to have her own so has to work on it another school year to earn her own. They seem content to share the 1 right now anyway and when it's her turn to have it, even if it's only for a few hours it makes her feel good and so far she has been pretty responsible with it by not losing it or calling friends too much to make our monthly plan go over minutes.
If your husband does insist on getting her one, get the pay as you go phones with the cards that you buy the minutes with. Most of the time kids just want to look like everyone else and have one and if she uses up all her minutes then she needs to work around the house to earn some more minutes.
We were contemplating this idea with getting our daughter one but the kids sharing the phone has seemed to work out so we didn't need to go to that plan.
Another thing I would recommend if she does get one is that it is only available when she is at your house since you are paying for it.

My husband bought our daughter one last year for her 7th birthday. I was completely against it and he did it anyway. It didn't really cost us anything b/c we added to our family plan. But then Sprint added the family locater and now her cell phone is peace of mind. She's 8 now and we live on the far end of the cul de sac full of kids and of course her best friend lives the farthest down the street. Her friend's father works nights and the ringer on their home phone is always off so I could never call my daughter and have her come home. Now when my little one leaves the house she calls us when she gets to her friend's house and when she leaves. You'd be surprised how responsible they can be when it's something they really want.

A cell phone at that age is really getting to be common. I would suggest that his is a great time to have her prove that she can be more responsible, enough to earn the cell phone. But my main suggestion would be for you and your fiancee to get parenting classes. My husband and I did ( I had 3 tweens) and he had a 2 year old. The first thing we learned was kids will try to divide and conquer and are very good at it. I sense some resentment towards the stepdaughter and that seems to be a problem. She is his first born and that is a love that will never be undone. Please try to find a parenting class, it was the best thing we ever did for our family.

well we do live in faster times, however my grandaughter has a phone, Now there are very strict rules and reasons. She walks to school and is picked up from school. If there is a problem with either we can communicate with her. I really think from my point of view only I came from a divoriced family and my kids also did.I explained to my husband now that he can help with discipling to a degree see you are the outsider and that can become a very nastty place for steps. They will resent you. I am sure that is not the intent you want. You would rather have a good understanding. Pick the battles you feel are worth fighting for and the rest let him handle. Also I would be careful aproaching him as it may cause problems for the two of you. I would write down the pros and cons of it and then try to approach him with it. If there are more good reasons then also tell him that. Good luck to you.

My thoughts are that I wouldn't feel comfortable either. I believe that I probably would feel the same way. But times have changed.

However, a compromise may also be a good teaching tool and make you look like the "good guy" by sugessting the following option to her dad. (You don't mention how the relationship between your fiance' and the girl's mom is, as well with yourself. I would definately make sure that the idea is cool with her.)

Get a Tracfone, Go Phone, whatever works. Have some rules that make you all feel comfortable that would go along with the phone (certain times that she can have the phone with her and times she shouldn't, etc. Also she has to help pay for her minutes/messages. (Chores around the house, help with the baby, etc.)

I suggest a "pay as you go phone" for two reasons. 1.) If she uses up her time, she uses up her time and it is done until she has earned money for more time. 2.) If it does have to be taken away because she has broken the rules or for other reasons you all may deem it necessary, you are not stuck in a contract.

Good Luck!

My dughter has had a cell phone since she was 10. The cost for us was minimal, as well, having added her to my existing Cingular (now AT&T) plan. I am confused, however, as to why you are trying to change what kind of parent your boyfriend is. It sounds like you have been with him 5 years, do not like the kind of parent he is, but have chosen him to father your son. I guess I just don't get it, but I don't believe I would focus on the cell phone of another person's child.

It really is wild that people give 10 year olds cells, I know they do, but all my kids were told that they had absolutely no need for one until they were driving. My 12 year old knows it too, he hasn't even asked. LOL

Families are all different and have different priorities. But we don't do cell phones at 10.

I agree with everything you have said, and just want to add an argument to your side. If she keeps a cell phone with her at her mother's and runs up an astronomical bill, you and your fiance have absolutely no way to enforce limited usage other than keeping the phone with you, and you'll still have a huge bill to pay off. Maybe that possibility will help convince him to put this off a few (or several) years. Good luck!
T.

I don't think 10 is too young necessarily, but it does depend on who the child is. I will tell you this - a cell phone is a pandora's box. I got one for my 3rd child when she was 11 I think. She really wanted one, she's an awesomely good child, the peacekeeper of the family. Because she's such a good kid and actually had a strong desire for something (which she usually does not) I made the decision to get her one for Christmas a few years ago. Her two older siblings did not have one. It was the greatest gift - she was blown away and it did exactly what I wanted it to do for her - boost her self esteem and self worth.

The next Christmas I bought her older siblings Razr phones and somehow I qualified for a free Razr, so I got myself an upgrade. The daughter who had the first phone quietly mentioned that she wanted a Razr for Christmas I a laughed it off because she already had a phone. Well, I had to keep my Razr a secret until Christmas because it would tip my older kids off that they were getting phones. Christmas morning my older kids are thrilled to get their Razr phones and child #3, who never complains about anything quietly stacked up her presents and left the room. I go to her room and she is in tears. I got it out of her between sobs that she really, really wanted a Razr - her old phone was stupid.

I was shocked. And torn. This daughter is always so self-denying and lets everyone around her have their way. She rarely expresses herself. She could never be considered spoiled. I told her I had a Razr and traded phones with her. She was thrilled.

Now, she is eyeing the new phones and knows my upgrade date and has a new phone picked out that she really wants. Now her Razr is stupid. I told her it's just not happening,

The point there is, even a child as sweet and self sacrificing as this daughter somehow turned into a cell phone monster. Once you get a kid a phone, there is no going back! They will always want the next cool phone that comes out.

But, having said all that, I love that my kids (all 4 now) have cell phones. I feel it keeps them safer and me more informed. If they are much more likely to call home to tell me what they're doing, where they're going etc. I can allow them to go places and do things I never would allow them to do if they didn't have a phone with them.

All my kids know that the phone is their responsibility. They have alloted minutes and if they go over, they pay the overage. They are all very careful to stay within their minutes after paying that first bill. They also know if they lose their phone they pay for a new one. None of them have ever lost their phones. My niece, who lives with me, has her own phone on her parents' plan and they don't have that rule with her. She has lost her phone three times this past year (she's 16) and her parents just buy her a new one. That just goes to show you that when kids know they're paying for the replacement, they are very careful to take care of their property. Otherwise it is just a toy.

A 10-year-old may not be able to earn the money to pay for minutes or a new phone, but your other recourse is to just take the phone away if she goes over her minutes - one day for every minute over the limit. If she loses her phone, she can save up her allowance or do jobs to earn the money to buy another one.

Another thought is - if she just wants to text her cousin, couldn't she just use one of her parents' phones for that? Let her use a parent's (while at home) and prove herself responsible with it and then when she's 11 or 12 consider getting her her own.

Is this about a cell phone or is it about your boyfriend letting her do everything she wants?
If it's about a cell phone, her age isn't the issue, it's her irresponsibility. When she shows she is responsible, you can CONSIDER it.

As for your boyfriend, it's up to him to change. Being a parent is hard work, he needs to accept that it takes a BIG effort. Ask him what kind of 16 year old, 18 year old, 21 year old, does he want his little girl to grow up to be like? She not going to grow up to be a kind, considerate, financially responsible teen/young adult unless he starts now. Discipline means to teach. Every child needs to be taught how to behave, just like they need to be taught to read. For some kids, it comes easy, for some it's tough. If the daughter couldn't read, would he give up because it's too hard to deal with?????

My children are 10 and 11 and they have had a cell phone for over a year now. My children are also very independent kids, when they come home from school they are gone to their friends as long as their homework is done. If they have homework and choose not to do it then that is their fault. We do not push them to do their school work and don't make them sit down with us and do their homework either and they are both on the honor roll. Back to the phone, we did not purchase them a new phone my dh and I got new phones and they got our old phones that we were using. We just added 2 more lines to our plan. But like i said in the beginning they are very independent, they make their own food to include cooking on the stove not just a microwave and they go to their friends house on the other side of our housing area. We also decided to get them one (this was the big deciding factor) they came home soooo scared after that had what is called an intruder drill in their school. I have even spoken to the principle that they are to keep their phones w them at all times, the principle agreed except if they were playing with them then they would be taken and we agreed because that isn't what they are for. Like you said they aren't a toy. My children also know that they download/text or anything the phone gets taken and in turn which means that they don't get to go far from the house. I know this doesn't help any but we also wouldn't get my step daughter one when she asked for one around this age, but she is also not as independent as the 2 children that we have together are because of course they have 2 different mothers and we both raise our children differently. Her mom also got her one anyway which she broke not long after she got it. That is why our children didn't get a brand new one. So if it broke I wouldn't be having heart failure

10 years old is too young for a cell phone. I would say 12 is a good time. At this point she can use the computer to send instant messages but there is no reason for a 10 year old to have a cell phone. Have your husband put his foot down about this.

If I were you I would say NO, if that is the only reason she wants it then NO. If she was mature enough and can understand that the phone isnt a toy then I would say yes no problem with her having one. If both the kids have the internet they can keep in touch that way. I would talk to the Fiance and explain to him that when she is old enough and mature enough to know that its not a toy and its very expensive to have a cellphone then you can get her one. Maybe you can explain to her the value of a dollar and have her start doing chores around the house to earn money and maybe when she gets enough money saved she can buy her own phone.

I agree that cell phones are not toys. Although she may seem to see the fun side of having one I do believe there is a time when a young person needs a cell phone before the age of 16. 10 year old girls disappear all the time. The world around us has changed and our children are not safe to walk the streets to the library, school or a friends house. My daughter is now 21, during her preteen and teen years she was approached along with her friends more than once, by the creepy people out there who would take advantage. An innocent walk can turn into a fight for your life. Knowing that a cell is your connection to safety when you are uncomfortable on parking lot, on the sreet or even just down the stree can put mom and child at ease with a few more situations. I am not saying it is the answer, it just helps. At the age of your stepdaughter girls are beginning to move a little further away from the house, and may be needing a little insurance of safety. By the age of 10 or 11 girls begin to take on a little more independance. My daughter was told to keep her cell in her pocket at all times. She called at any time she felt uncomfortable and I would pick her up, or stay on the phone with her untell she got home. Yes, she used it to talk to her friends and her family also, but what harm did it really do if she and I felt a little safer knowing we had that connection at our finger tips?

Hi K.,

I have advice for your soon to be husband. Let him read my post about the problems I'm going through with my stepdaughter so he can see his 'potental future'! My husband wasn't the disciplinarian in our family because of his job. I had to deal with his daughter and her problems. Our daughter is now 13 and she lies, steals, cuts up her clothes and is disrespectful. Last Christmas she had a list for everything she wanted- cellphone, ipod, computer, dvd player. Yet she does NOTHING to earn anything. But she feels entitled to have these things because her friends all have them. You are NOT being old fashioned, you are being a responsible parent. No child needs a cellphone at this age. If you need to get in touch with her, you should know where she is and not have to worry about reaching her by cellphone. My daughter is NOT getting one until she can pay for it herself.

My son who is now 20 got his when he started working at 16. And when he got his, he paid for the bill and he didn't get anything fancy. Just a phone, no camera, texting, or internet. The difference between them were that he wanted one for practical uses. He didn't care that EVERYONE had one. He didn't care if he was the only one who didn't have one. If someone made fun of him because he didn't have one, he didn't blame it on his parents, he told them that he didn't need one so why have one? He is fine being himself. Nowadays, kids rely too much on 'keeping up with the Jones'. Your job as a parent is to teach your children to be happy with who they are and not be defined by what they have.

It sounds that she just wants a phone to be like her cousin. Try teaching her to be herself. I'm trying to teach my daughter this but I think it's too late. Her mom only cared about appearances and I don't think I can get my daughter to see that there are other things more important than appearances. I understand how frustrating it can be when she doesn't bring things back from her moms. When I first got together with my husband, his daughter was 5. I moved from Hawaii and before I left I bought her a bunch of things from Hawaii. Well, she took them home and her mom threw them all away because her mom felt I should have asked her first if I could give her daughter these gifts. It was pens, pencils, stickers, purses! So sometimes it's not the stepparents who want to be in control but the biological mothers who don't want to let go.

Stay strong and work on your future husband. My husband now sees what I've been going through and we are working together with our daughter to work things out. It's hard when you are the only one pushing what's right. But if he doesn't start now, he'll end up with a daughter like mine! And trust me, you don't want that! Good luck!

D.

Hi, K.. I feel similar to the way you feel about cell phones. I believe they are great for safety reasons, but are not a toy. How do you feel about the phones you can get that only call a handful of people- people that you can choose. I don't remember what they are called, but maybe that could be a compromise. She may not want that kind, but that might be her only choice. I can't imagine a ten year old needing to text her friends- pick up a phone- it is much cheaper. Maybe she can earn a phone and do jobs around the house to pay for the bill? With a phone comes responsibility and she may not want that responsibility yet. I don't have to worry about my son wanting a phone yet, thank goodness, but he doesn't even like talking on the phone. My daughter who is only 2 is a social butterfly, and I am positive I will have to have this conversation with her one day. I would recommend you and your husband make a united decision on this before she brings it up again, so she doesn't try to work you against eachother. Good Luck!