5 Yr Old Won't Listen

Hello Bobbie,

My 4 year old has moments like this also. I think ADHD is often over diagnosed when diet and sleep deprivation may be part of the problem. My son has the same behaviors when he is tired or if he has just had sugar, or he is hungry. Since you are with him the most, try to see if the times he has these fits are when he may be tired, hungry, or take note of what he recently may have eaten. We have switched to fruit for snacks and try not to have him in too many activities and he is doing much better. Just some suggestions, hopefully they will help. I completely understand how frustrating it can be when it seems that you are yelling or disciplining more than anything else. Also, someone suggested to praise or reward good behavior, that really does go a long way!!

Good luck!!

You said he's really smart....sometimes really smart children learn very early how to manipulate. By saying "I'm a bad kid", he's trying to manipulate you into giving in to him. I'm saying this because my 7 yr old went through a very similar phase, and the counselors told me the same thing. It is really hard, and I questioned my parenting every day. But he has started outgrowing it. When he would say those things, I would simply say "That's not true. Your behavior sometimes is bad, but YOU are a very good person, and I love you very much." and then drop it. Walk away. He still sometimes says things like that, but only when he's angry or hasn't gotten his way...but don't give in!!!

As far as picking up his toys...try telling him that he has 10 minutes (set a timer)...make it like a game to "Beat The Timer" ... and what is left after the timer goes off, goes away. This really worked for me...

I've really started to notice a HUGE difference with my 7 yr old just these past few months. He's really starting to understand the consequences of his actions....so they do outgrow this phase....just try to be patient!!!!

Good Luck!!!
Hope this helps!
B.

I really don't have any solid advice for you that you haven't tried already. Just try to stay consistant, and if his Dr's are no longer helping and straying from any "real" solutions, it might be time to find another one. I wish you luck.

can you get a referral to Family and Children's Services in Tulsa? Or are your therapists and stuff coming/trained from there? The reason I ask is I was having the same trouble with my boy this last year. It was complicated by possible molestaion, ADHD and going to an all day class setting while unmedicated. I was at my wits end, I'm sure you are feeling the same way. The school gave me a book from this website: http://www.lifematters.com/step.asp and it worked for a while but it became cumbersome when the school stopped using the same techniques. By that time I had destroyed my relationship with him. I asked Tammy Gates and Cory Smith for a better strategy. The put me and my son in Parent Child Interaction Therapy. It has really really helped.

Mainly it teaches me how to turn off the "screaming banshee" and give a lot more praise than punishment. There are so oh so simple steps, and an actual special time for just us. It really does make a world of difference.

Ask for it.

Now about your routine, Do you have one set up? I'm not talking about structure all day long like in school but regular eating time, and bath and bed? Start with staggering the kids bedtimes so that the youngest gets a bath and read to at least 20 minutes then she goes off to bed. Then the next child gets a bath, 20 minutes of being read to alone and off to bed, then the oldest bath, books, bed. Get dad involved. My husband does this routine.

15 minutes before the bedtime routine starts everyone picks up the toys. Make it a race. Who can pick up the most toys. Praise him for picking up every piece. I like it when you pick up the toys and put them away!! everytime even though it sounds forced and not heartfelt, he doesn't care. It really does take 1000 praises to over come one phrase said in punishment. He needs the good stuff. Praise the other kids too. Praise your BF. Every one gets good words.

here's how to do it:
http://debbysewninwesttulsa.blogspot.com/2007/06/parent-c...

Once you know you're doing all of these things during the day all day long then you can move onto the next step.

Try spending some special time with him alone each day. Set aside something special just for him. Does he like for you to read to him, hold him, or sit him next to you while you read stories to him. Then talk with him about the story afterward, what does he think about it or what would he do if he were the main character and this happened to him. Things to show your special interest in him. And that you want to know his opinon. Possibly as you develop this intimate time he will eventually open up as to what's wrong, or maybe you will detect it in his answers about the story. If he doesn't like sitting still find an activity that he would enjoy where you have time alone for him. Where you remind him he is still special to you.
I am praying for your understanding and help in this difficult situation.

Hi Bobbie,
Well I don't know if this will help any but I got this from Dr.Phil 's website. I would answer these questions and see what you get from there. Here is his website address www.dr.phil.com, I'm not saying he will have the solution but maybe it will spark an idea or you might get an answer. I can tell you from my experience make sure without a doubt you and your husband back each other up when it comes to rules and discipline and you have each others backs. If your child does something and you or your husband disciplines him and the other disagrees on what the punishement was do not discuss it in front of your child(ren). You need to have them leave the room or go talk somewhere where the child isn't present and overhear you guys speaking. You have to be on the same page on everything. As far as where your child may have heard this... he may have heard you tell someone on the phone talking to a teacher, a relative or even your boyfriend. I would answer these questions below and see what you get and maybe where to go from there. From my view standing on the oustside looking in I can answer all these questions by what you have posted. Also you say he throws a fit like his younger brother well is the fit throwing his younger brother is doing does it get him the results he wants ?? If the answer is a yes than you now know that he seen it work for him so he might as well give it a shot.
Have you ever thought that maybe all of the activities he is in may be a little overwhelming and he is stressed out also.
Part One

1. My children can predict the consequences of their actions with a high degree of accuracy.

2. My children know they have to perform certain things they don't want to do in order to get access to things they do want to do.

3. My partner and I present a united front regarding rules and discipline to our children.

4. I adjust my communications to my child to his/her level of understanding, taking his/her age into account.

5. I am friendly and loving with my children yet I have established myself clearly as a respected authority figure in their lives.

Part Two

1. I choose rewards and punishments based on what works.

2. I reward my child for good behavior.

3. I parent without guilt.

4. I am sensitive to not over-scheduling my child.

5. I render discipline without anger.

I hope this gives you something to go on W.

I would say that dad has to be a big part of this equation. I am not sure how your boyfriend is with the situation, but I do know that in alot of cases it needs to be understood from his father that it is completely unacceptable to treat his mother this way. Like I said I don't know how his is, but from my experience with close friends, the little boys who are good for dad but not for mom are often not required to do so by their father. I have watched little boys hit and yell at their mother while their father's stand idly by. He needs to definitely jump in here and make sure that your son understands that under no circumstances is he ever to be disrespectful to his mother. I will be honest no boys here, so take my advice for what it is worth. Not sure if it even applies to you. Good luck, I know situations like this can be a handful

I would recommend a book called Love and Logic by Jim Fay.

I think its an attention getter. My daughter is that age and acts out like her 3 year old sister. she says i dont love her and im a mean mom. or i hate you. i tell its okay to be angry at me and sayu im angry at you but not to be hateful or hit. i ignor her when she misbehaves and tell her if she wants my attention she needs to behave and when she does and tell her how proud i am her and try to make one on one time when she is behaving. the more i reward her good behavior the more she trys to behave well. it may work for you too.