5 Year Old Doesn't Listen

She is testing her limits to see how far she can go before you yell. To her, this is all a game, a form of entertainment so to speak. She pushes you because she knows she has a little more time before you really want her to obey. I recommend giving her one warning "Please pick up your toys or I will have to punish you". If she doesn't move immediately to pick up her toys, she receives her punishment- perhaps that punishment could be sitting in a chair for 5 minutes (using the age rule- one minute for each year), or the loss of a privilege, or going to bed early. Be sure to know what punishment you will use before you threaten, that way you can include that in the warning. If you feel you need to, use a timer "I am going to set the timer for 5 minutes, if your toys are not picked up when the timer beeps,(insert your punishment here)" Then be CONSISTENT. That is the key. Remember, she will not change overnight, and it won't be easy for you, but if you are faithful and consistent, she will realize that mommy & daddy are in charge and she needs to obey.
I also like the rewards system, but I don't believe it should be used alone. In addition to the discipline, it would be a great system; used alone I fear it might turn into a bribery system rather than a reward. She could earn stars for cleaning up, brushing teeth, etc., that could be her daily reward, then give her a larger goal to shoot for, after a determined number of stars, maybe a special outing to someplace she really wants to go. Just remember, at her age, it is hard for her to grasp the concept of time and it is more difficult for her to stay focused on a far off goal, so make the larger reward attainable.
I recommend the book by Dr. James Dobson "Dare to Discipline". It really helps to put discipline in perspective. Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

my son just turned 6 and i have the same problem. when my boyfriend is at work and its just my son and his brother with me, he does the same thing but hes a hitter and kicker.. He has a wraparound thru the county and they told me dont give in and ignore him that is what really makes my son mad, but his councler said he had ODD opisitional defiance disorder is what it is i think i know its ODD... talk to Misty Isle Bridges they may help with ideas to deal with the problem i will look up the #3 for u if need to if ur in clarion county if not each county has help

Hi G.,

My boyfriend was having the same problem with his daughter, so trust me, I know how that goes. She is acting much better now, because I've pushed him to put his foot down.

She was a big one to throw temper tantrums, his solution was always the corner, and that doesn't work after a while. If she's playing with something, and doesn't stop when he or I ask, she gets warning, one the second one, I say if I have to tell you again, I'm taking it away. After having things taken away, quite a few times I might add, she learned her lesson. The problem he was having was being consistent. You have to always do it, not just when you have the patience to deal with it.

I have a black box of take aways. These are things that she either didn't put away, or got taken away for another reason. She has three times in the take away box, and then it's given to another little girl. That helps as well, because she sees it going in the box.

The chart is a good idea if you are consistent with it, and involve her, let her put the stickers on. We have a prize box, nothing fancy just a paper box, wrapped with paper and painted. Paige loved painting the box, and she knows, if she's good she gets something out of it.

I'm sorry to ramble, but being the girfriend that moved in with a lost dad, I really had to take over. My truly best advice is be consistent. Yes use the corner, but not for everything. If she's not listening to you, take away something she wants. No snack, you lose a toy for a day etc. It's not going to happen over night, but she'll get the hint.

Also, do things with her. I like crafts because it's something the kids can keep. The other day Paige and I made wax paper stained glass window ornaments. It was simple and easy, and she loved making something, and spending quality time together. www.enchangedlearning.com has wonderful ideas.

Good luck!

I completely agree with Andrea D. After a rough start with my firstborn (he's 19 now), we finally got it. It comes down to consistency, ONE warning, follow-through, all balanced with rewards for goals achieved. Give short but very clear directions.

I would add that you should not argue with your child. What I mean is, if your child says something like, "That's not fair." Don't start trying to convince her that you are being fair, for example. It takes two to argue. Tell her what you want, explain consequences, follow through. In calmer moments, be sure to discuss with her how to appropriately express her feelings. She can't yell at you or be disrespectful. And, of course, you have to model that behavior toward her, as well. Tell her that you are willing to listen to her when she wants to talk calmly to you, and that you will consider her feelings, but that you are mom and you will make the final decision. (This is a lot for a 5 yo tho! But you can address it in age-appropriate language.) As time goes on and her behavior is more "civilized" with you, you will expand your decision making to include her opinions when she expresses them respectfully. Right now at age 5, her decision making can be practiced by choosing between options that you determine, i.e., "Would you like to color or read a book?"

And know that there is no magic formula for making your child listen to you. You won't get results after just one or two tries at this. It's hard work. And when you are just mentally exhausted and start to think that it's easier just to give in to her or to yell, remember your long-term goal is to teach her right from wrong, respect for others and for her self, and of course, self-discipline. It takes quite a while, but once you get the ball rolling, you'll find life will be much less stressed. You and your child will feel secure in having a solid frame of reference as far as expectations and consequences.

When my son was around the same age he did the same thing. I guess it's an independence thing. They don't think they should have to listen to anyone b/c they think they know everything. I did try the reward chart idea and it did work but I didn't stick with it (simply b/c I would forget). My suggestion is to make sure that the rewards are things that you can easily follow through with. Try not to make it food if you can. I also did not use money (we give our son an allowance when he does chores around the house beyond taking care of himself and his things). We didn't want him to pay him for good behavior. His reward was usually doing something with me or my husband. So his reward was good attention but also doing something special like making brownies or cookies, doing a craft project together, going bowling or skating, etc. Once in awhile, I would use going for ice cream or something like that but I tried to avoid "just food" as a reward.

The reward chart worked pretty well when I remembered to use it but can I ask when you are giving timeouts where are you putting your child? I have noticed that as my son got older I started sending him to his room and it had no affect on him...timeouts lost all effectiveness. When I started putting him in a chair again they worked like a charm again. Just a suggestion, maybe you need to experiment with timeouts. My son hates sitting in a chair facing the wall with no one to look at and no one to talk to (and nothing to touch). It also helps if I make him sit for an entire 5 minutes quietly, one whiny comment and time starts over....it drives him crazy. Good luck.

I'm starting to feel like a broken record b/c I recommend this so often, but I strongly suggest you consider borrowing or buying the book, "Try and Make Me!" (Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Try-Make-Me-Ray-Levy/dp/0451206452/...)

I have two sons with ADHD and one w/ ODD. This book is THE BEST I've read so far (and I've read a LOT of books - The Explosive Child, The Defiant Child, ODD and Your Child, etc., etc.).

If you truly want to stop yelling and take real steps to get her to listen and follow your requests, get the book.

I also have a 4.5 yr old that does the same thing. I am also at wits end. I can not even give you any advise except we have started our daughter is counseling since we don't know what else to do. She just started so I can't say it is helping or not.