Dear Single Momma,
Don't Worry, she will grow out of it,
My oldest son used to act out this way.
I suspected the main reason was because Family members , INCLUDING myself felt sorry for him because he didn't have a good dad.
So they would spoil him with gifts that were extravagant.
He had no siblings so he never HAD to share, just maybe iof he had a friend over.
Every meal I cooked was catered to what he wanted.
All my time and energy was dedicated to him.
Every weekend was devoted to making him happy and entertaining him because I felt bad about working ALL week.
Even tho he spent his time with his fathers mother.
OR at an expensive private preschool.
I was teh only one in my family with a Child, so my sister, brother, his wife, my mom, his fathers brother and sister,
Great AUNT, GRANDMOTHER, GRANDFATHER, Even my friends.
All Catered to his needs.wants and desires, no matter how small.
When he was fresh they overlooked it the first few times.
or tossed it off that well he didn't have a good dad.
And ME well I was so tired from working all flipping day I barely had the energy to discipline,
Well I did.
No one would love my child the way that I did.
No one would put up with all his nonsense like ME
And in the end I was actually hurting my child, because he seemed to have this air of entitlement floating around him.
SO I just knuckled down.
AND it was HARD
When he got fresh, He went to bed on the first shot.
When he talked back,
When he was rude we left the party,
when he was fresh to grandma, I tried to encourage HER to also follow thru. ( not as easy as it may seem)
Because punishing a 4 year old after the fact doesn't work, because they really have no comprehension.
But I would talk to him about it.
NOW how do you know your consequence is working?
And How do you get them to take the TIME OUT when they won't stay there. And HOW do you get them to stop playing with their toys during a time out. And what about when she is fresh to someone else when your not around.
OK SO we need to prepare the room,
You need to remove ALL of her toys and play things from the room. ( Throw them in a corner in the living room or even in your room) This will be temporary but you don't need the added distraction. If she has a TV you unplug it.
SO TODAY she is Being fresh-----
Well, when she is fresh you need to PHYSICALLY get up and take her to her room,
Explain to her that It is NOT acceptible for her to talk that way, and from now on when she does it, she will go straight to bed. ( END OF CONVERSATION)
SET and Egg timer. for 5 minutes ( if and when she stays in the room )
and leave the room.
She will scream and carry on.
and this is ok, she doesn't have to LIKE being punished.
For you to think that is not reasonable.or fair to her.
If she tries to leave the room , you need to take her back in there, even if it takes 10 or 15 times.
Your gonna be wiped out, and so will she but you cannot give up. NO matter WHAT. This is how she learns you mean what you say.and how you show her that you love her enough to teach her what she needs to know to get thru life.
Believe me this ALWAYS ALWAYS works, I have 3 very spirited sons. and my oldest is 13 years old,
She needs to know what is expected of her,and she needs ONE standard routine for punishment, switching it up just confuses them, and makes her feel like there is no stability.
OK So now we've accomplished getting her to stay in the room alone to work it all out.
After the timer goes off, you go back to her room and say very gently
Are you ready to talk now?
( hopefully she say s YES)
If not - you say OK I will come back when your ready.
walk away and come back to the room in 45 seconds.
and Say Are you ready to talk now.
( If she says No again , then walk away and come back in 45 seconds and re ask the question)
So she is ready to talk now.
And you sit down beside her at eye level, and very gently and sweetly and calmly say, Mommy loves you very much.
you know that right? But you CAN NOT talk to me or anyone else like this, It hurts our feelings. And you wouldn't want us to hurt your feeli
ngs.RIGHT? Well we don't like you hurting (our feelings. Do you understand? ( hopefully she says yes) ( this doesn't mean she actually DOES understand, but atleast she is trying to understand which is half the battle LOL)
Then you hug her and kiss her and let her play again.
NOW that you have established the RULES>
Don't think that this will be the LAST time you will have to explain the rules. And be prepared that she will in the very near future need to be punished for the VERY SAME OFFENSE> This is part of mother hood.
OK so how do you know that its working, Well in a few MONTHS
you will notice a change in her behavior AFTER you first warning. What I mean is she will probably stop and consider whether or not she will follow thru with the act.
AS for the attitude well thats a little more difficult because its her personality and alot more difficult to control emotional out bursts.
BUT since she has a place to go to to act out ( her room)
and work it all out , it should affect you less, and help her try to control her temper.
And managing her anger takes time.
You definately don't learn it at 4.LOL
BUt that is where you start teaching her
Who what when where why and how.
So all this advice is fine if your at home.
Lets say she doesn' it at grannys,the mall or a friends house--- You need to warn her that you will go home.
and then follow thru and take her home.
DON'T Say it if your not actually planning to leave.
If you don't plan to leave you take her by the hand to an area that is less populated, or even the car,
and have her take her time out there.
with you sitting beside her riding out the wave together.
When granny says she was talking fresh, after a long day at work. and it happened 12 hours ago.or even just 2 hours ago
You simply explain the rules and your expectations.
and tell her that you are dissapointed in her behavior.
Now is not the time to act, because its after the fact.
BUT if you gently remind her that you expect her to behave BEFORE going into grannys, and then offer positive reinforcement saying you know she can do it because she is smart, and knows how to follow the rules. and then thank her for being a good girl. Chances are she will try to live up to your expectations of her.
And then when you pick her up,have a small token like a lollipop ask how her day went, and if she was good, you praise her saying HOW proud you are of her. hug her and kiss her saying I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT sweet heart, adn then say because you were soooo Good I brought something for you. ( and give her the pop)
Remember she isn't gonna be good everytime.
no child is. it takes time to learn tese things, and heck I know plenty of adults that still have trouble with following rules. BUT if your consistent. and you use a little positivity and a little structure, follow thru with consequences. She will get the message. and your life will in the long run be easier.
I hope this is helpful,
I wish you the best.