A 4 Year Olds Sassy Mouth

Why are you responding at all while she is in time out? A time out is just that--time out from everything. Send her to her corner/room/step whatever you use and then walk away. She is seeking your attention and you are giving it to her. No need to reply or even give notice that you hear her remarks. When her time out is up she should apologize for her poor behavior and then just move on. She knows you love her, no need to tell her the whole time she is standing in the corner. It seems like you want to give punishments, but then feel guilty when you do and thats the problem. Being sent to the corner is a punishment because you are removing your attention from her and that is the point. By arguing or responding to her you are letting her control the situation and it is not really a punishment. Personally if my 4 year old called me a name I would send her off to bed for the day and no amount of crying or arguing would get me to back down. You are the mom, show her you love her by setting rules and guidelines and then follow and enforce them.

5 moms found this helpful

First of all, this is not about fault. You are trying something that is simply not working. Time out just does not work for some kids, especially when it has nothing to do with why they were put there in the first place. Instead of time out when she does not do what you ask, give her options.
"Would you like to clean up now or in 5 minutes?"
"Would you like your red or blue paints?"
If that does not do the trick, then she is, what I like to call, Stuck. She cannot move onto another activity until she has resolved the one that she is in. If she does not clean up she cannot play with anything else, if she does not get dressed she cannot start playing (or will have to eat breakfast in the car).....
As for the name calling, ignore it at the time. After she has calmed down explain to her that it can be frustrating when you have to do things that you do not want to. It is alright to be mad or frustrated with mom and dad BUT it is not alright to call mom and dad names. Ask her why she is so upset. Ask her why she has the consequence that she has. Explain to her that she is in control of much of her day. If she would like to avoid time out or the like, then she needs to listen to mom and dad.
Also take note of what she is doing when you request things of her. I just posted an article about this on this site. www.mamapedia.com/voices/my-kids-never-listen

I would love to know how it all turns out,
B. Davis

http://www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com
Because nothing is more important than family

3 moms found this helpful

Well, with my oldest, time out didn't start until she stopped yelling or tantruming. The only response I gave was "your time out time will start when are quiet and calmed down" She HATED time outs, so she learned really quickly being mouthy only extended her punishment.

My youngest is a bit more of a challenge. She too, really said some awful things, and that same response didn't do anything to stop her verbal tirades. So, as hard as it was, I had to completely ignore it. When they are this mad, they want attention, they want to manipulate and win the argument. Continue the dialog with her, and she is getting what she wants, you engaging in the battle. Responding back in anger or with additional threats just fuels the fire with some kids like my youngest daughter. They are trying to push all your buttons. It was SO hard to bite my tongue, but taking myself out of the conversation altogether was the key to her calming down quicker, to her calming herself down.

Later on, like the next day, we have a conversation when she is all calmed down about what led to the time out in the first place, and how not to have a repeat performance. Sometimes there are additional consequences to drive home the point. Such as if she asks if she can play with a neighbor, I might say, "well, not this time, because of how you spoke to me this morning, first you need to remember to speak to me respectfully before you enjoy the company of your friends, you may ask me again tomorrow. I'll watch for your improvement." When she is CALM, she can reflect rationally on the consequences of her actions. Plus, I do better after I'm out of the heat of the moment as well. Good luck!

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Part of her behavior is her age and learning boundaries. It's hard to tell exactly why she is doing what she does and how you (or your husband) contribute to it because we are not there seeing the whole picture. But what I will tell you is that this is a very common thing at this age and it takes some time to pass...

Brandi D's advice was great, as was her article. Start there and see if any of that helps. Also know yourself, and explain to your daughter, that although her *feelings* may be ok, her behavior is not. It is never ok for her to throw things at you or call you names. She needs to find a more appropriate way to express her anger, and this becomes our job as parents. The time to address her inappropriate statements about not liking you isn't while she's in time out. Kids get to a point where they turn off from listening to us and nothing you say will be heard by them.

I'd also investigate the time outs; how they are being executed and how affective they are... for some kids this works and for others it does not. For some kids it just makes them more isolated, unheard, resentful and angry and it never solves the problem of the behavior.

Good luck Momma!

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WOW!!!
There is NO way I would put up with this.

Where did she learn to talk like that at.
That is not something that comes natural.
That is something learned.

Why does your husband think it is your fault?

First, don't forget - your their mother ~ not their buddy.

I would stand up and I would get near her and I would look her right in the eyes and I would raise my voice at her ( because she needs to understand that I am not playing around )
I would tell her with a FIRM voice that if she ever talks like that again I will wash out her mouth with soap.
AND IF SHE DOES TALK LIKE THAT AGAIN ---
THEN YOU DO IT!
Keep that promise.

The problem here is that you should have NEVER have allowed her to talk like that in the first place.
When children test you, you need to handle it NOW, and not later.

Be strong M., be firm.
You can do this.

Good Luck.

1 mom found this helpful

OMG tell your Husband to STOP blaming you... it is NOT your fault... doesn't he know about child development and age-stage related phases? Ask him. Concisely.
If he does not know... then the Teen years... will be a REAL rude awakening for him..... I really suggest, perhaps parenting classes for him.. or a good book on child development.

** YOUR DAUGHTER IS NORMAL***
She is, having a normal childhood, being a kid, a normal kid... but she is viewed as not, being normal. Which that, in itself, is harmful.... to her.

My son, is about that age. I have 2 kids. He does that too at times.
Time-outs... do NOT work... across the board for every injustice... and also, you need to know the difference between a child's TRUE misbehavior INtentionally... and them just being a reflection of their (1) age (2) maturity level (3) cognizance and development. Not ALL children can actually do, EXACTLY, what "we" expect of them.... because our expectations can be INappropriately *not* age appropriate... thus, the child will ALWAYS not be "good" and only 'bad.' Thus constantly punished or put in time out. Thus 'expectations' upon them, are NOT age appropriate.

You did not say "why" she goes to time out... nor so often.
*My question would be: (1) do you teach her how to express herself and her feelings? Do you coach her on that and does she actually know the words for her feelings? ie: my son, who is not yet 4 years old, CAN say very articulately HOW he feels and WHY he is frustrated.... and we "allow" him to explain himself and express himself.... for any feelings good or bad.... and we as a TEAM help him navigate through difficult moments.
A young child, if they are not taught how to express themselves nor to know themselves... will become older kids, who STILL do not know how to do that... so start NOW... to help develop, their "emotional IQ."
AND also do that by: having a "relationship" with your child... not the child just being what we want them to be and do all.the.time. and to keenly understand, them.
It makes a real big difference.
That is how my Dad.... raised me/my siblings. Then when we became teens and adults... we were real grounded... and did not turn into 'crazy' teens who gave grief to their parents. But we were moderately 'wise' kids.... who still had respect and actually 'liked' my parents. Not full on rebelling.

You and your husband also need to realize... that your child IS loving. Sure not when she is 'grumpy' or misunderstood..by you. But she is only 4. And the emotional development in a child, at this age, is NOT even fully developed yet. So, expecting her to act like a 10 year old, is not going to work. It ain't gonna fly. Thus, more frustration, will occur... in her, and you... toward each other.
There is no 'relationship' there... she feels misunderstood... or not navigated/mentored, on more positive ways of handling upsets.... frustrations etc.
When she is calmed down.. you talk with her... and teach her how... over time like a rock collecting moss... a child will learn. But they have to be taught it... and not just expected to BE that way... automatically.

Always, keep your 'expectations' age appropriate.
Or it will never work.

Like adults... kids are loving... or not... depending on their happiness and feelings of being understood or not... and their *Relationship* with their significant other, ie: their parent.
And when older, their understanding that their Parent is their place of love too... UNconditionally..... not just a place of guessing about it.
AND... teaching them boundaries... which do not have to be all about time-outs or just after ONE mistake that they do.
Pick your battles.
Why so many time-outs after only ONE attempt?
That is a hard day for a kid.... quite steep parameters around a 4 year old. While other concepts... should be being taught... or focused on instead.
A kid... needs to know, that they are loved too... and not only IF they are nice or not.

ALL kids, are great or not-so great everyday. This is normal. Even adults and Spouses are too. But for kids, they are held to a MUCH higher standard and MUCH more expectations... of being so "perfect" all.the.time. To which NO kid, can fully attain, what *you/Hubby* may want.
You can either nurture a frustrated 4 year old who grows up into the same frustrated teen... or not. And teach them 'skills'... to navigate themselves or not. Or, even as a Teen, they will still be like a 4 year old.
Frustrated and not happy and unable to fulfill expectations and looked at as a 'bad' child.
Or, you just expect the kid to automatically know 'how' to handle themselves each time... in each situation.... and you will be, continually frustrated and disappointed... because a child, does not know how to to that. Consistently nor perfectly.

Next:
Do you KNOW your child? Can you 'read' your child? Do you know what floats her boat? Her feelings, her sense of self, her needs or worries or interests or not or private thoughts?

The human brain, is not even fully developed until 26 years old.
A child, does not have the impulse control nor emotional development... to *be* all that you want... just yet.

The book "Have a New Kid By Friday" by Leman is very good. With helpful tips... non-punitive and an easy read.

Your child is 4... and you want to pull out your hair and your Hubby and you think your girl is not normal... ?
Well, this is childhood. A kid.... will go through these things now, later and later. Even college kids can drive us nuts and have moods.
So... it WILL not.end.now. Or later.
It is childhood.
They do not know how... to be perfect.

all the best,
Susan

For my kids (6, 4, and 2 yr old - all boys) each one has their own 'motivating factor'. My oldest (when he was 4) hated time out but we didn't address the problem soon enough - so now we have a 6 year old that talks back. It sucks. So his motivating factor now is, if he misbehaves we completely empty his room for the day and he has to stay in there for the rest of the day. Starts all over in the morning. My second son (now just turned 4) is a tenderhearted kid, so his feeling just get torn up if he gets into much trouble at all. My 2 year old is hell on wheels. He can get angry and scream non stop for hours just to make his point. We tried waiting til his tantrum was over - leaving him in his crib. But after 2 hours of screaming, we decided we should try another approach. We put him in his crib, then every 10 minutes or so would walk in and ask if he is ready to come out and do whatever it was that he didn't want to do. IF he starts screaming, shut the door and come back in another 10. Usually it's less than 20 minutes before he's ready to say sorry and do what he's supposed to.
In regard to your daughter, if she has no siblings or at least has her own room, when you get up in the morning, explain to her very simple rules - no name calling, throwing or hitting. If she breaks those rules she goes to time out quietly. If she can't stay in time out quietly, you are not going to listen to her anymore, so she can go to her room - and you follow her in there with a laundry basket and start taking toys away. Make sure you tell her when you are stating the rules, that her toys will be taken away until after naptime. (probably 1/2 a day would be ok for her at her age). No tv or toys to help pass the time. Books are the only thing I allow. No stuffed animals etc. My friend does this kind of 1/2 day restriction but instead of cleaning out her room, she sends her daughter to stay on the bed in her guest room so she doesn't have to keep clearing up toys. I just don't have that kind of room.
Anyway, hope some of these ideas are of help to you!
Jen M.
Mom of 3 boys ages 6, 4, and 2
PS - yes, I'm always tired :)

When my daughter hit a certain age (sorry I can't remember which one), but she started something similar. Time outs were not working, so I had to punish her where it hurt. She loved her stuffed animals, so I would take them away one by one every time she said something unkind or disrespectful to me. This worked the fastest. The trick is to find what they least want you to take away. Also, sit and talk to her about why she is so angry with you. It probably has nothing to do with what you think, but talking it out greatly helps. Good Luck I hope this helps.

HOT SAUCE, & lots of it & for dad too........then once she realizes she cannot speak to you like that she will go to timeouts quietly

It's by no means your fault, it's a 4 year old testing the waters. I'm in the same boat with my 4.5 year old son. He told me the other day he hoped the wolf would come and blow me away (funny yes, but not at the time!). I think it's their way of learning to assert their independence and it doesn't help right now that he has a just turned 1 baby brother. I've been telling him it hurts my feelings when he tells me he doesn't want me anymore and would he like someone to tell him that? We have good days and not so good days. There are days when he sits in time out several times and days where he doesn't at all. We've relocated time out to a different area because I felt like where he used to sit was no longer effective. As far as the throwing things you need to tell her throwing is not acceptable and never is and never will be, as it could break something or really hurt somebody (we told my son it could end up meaning somebody could have to go to the hospital to drive the point of how badly someone could get hurt). I think it's all part of a normal childhood. If you're looking for a book that might be helpful try 1-2-3 Magic, especially if you feel like timeouts aren't working.

Where is she learning to call anyone names? is it from tv, other kids, etc? My 4 and 5 year old girls wouldn't even know any names to call us if they wanted to! Of course, ask me again after the older one starts kindergarten in the fall... I'm sure I'm up for a rude awakening!!!

anyway, I would look her right in the eye and say "We DO NOT talk like that. it is not nice." and "We DO NOT throw things at people." I read somewhere that if you say it that way, you are letting them know that this isn't just a rule for them, it is how we as a family behave.

I would ignore her when she says she doesn't love you... she's just trying to get you going, and it sounds like she's succeeding!

Sounds like she needs some tough love... i would stop with the warnings. if you ask her to do something and she doesn't want to, I would say "you can do this or you can sit in time out." try giving her some choices so she can't say no.. you can say "would you like to pick up your toys or put your clothes away" or whatever it is that you want her to do. Think of two things and let her choose.

Also, try to avoid situations that get her put in time out. My daughters and I go out alot, to the park or wherever. i find that if we are home too much, the kids get rammy, and tend to fight more. if we are out and about, we all have fun, and then it's not as bad when we really do need to be home.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!

Wow, I don't think I can be of much help as neither of my daughters ever did this. But you need to look at her surroundings. She has to be learning this behavior from someone. School, neighbors, friends, family, etc...Do you and your husband fight or argue in front of her? Is so it could be sending her wrong signals. Maybe try a different punishment other than time out. If she throws toys take them a put them up and don't let her have them back. But honestly, there has to be something wrong in her life for this type of behavior...She may be playing with other children that speak to their parents this way...

just give her a quick pop in the mouth. not to hard but enough to get the point across. she will get the point real quick. if the time out is not working it's time to move on. at four they know what they are saying. so that "ohh no she;s a baby, is a little played out. and as for that your husband would tell him to either help with hre behavior and step back. heck sounds like he needs a quick pop in the mouth too! I wish you good luck!

This sounds pretty normal to me. My 3.5 year old is the same way, but not all the time. I have found that the most effective response to the time-out nastymouths is to ignore them. She is getting your attention, which defeats the purpose of a time-out. She is un-time-outing your time-out. She gets 4 minutes of time-out as she is 4 years old, and that means complete ignoring unless she is hurting something or someone, including herself. She can yell whatever she wants; time-out is like a cone of silence. She is just testing you. What is hard is to pretend she never said it when time-out is over.
As far as this behavior being your fault, whatever. It's normal and all kids do it. Just ignore him on this too.
I think some of these responses are pretty harsh for time-out nastymouths. I think that being disrespectful outside of the time-out is one thing, and yes you can punish her for that. Disrespectful mouthing off during the time-out is solely for attention,and therefore different. At this age she's just wanting a response, I think. Sometimes it's hard to call, but mostly she's repeating stuff she's heard around.
Yes, I take away things from my kid for being disrespectful, like TV time or a different reward, but it's a fine line between a just punishment and letting your kid know which buttons to push.

My girlfriend had the bracelet and said it didn't work. I was prescribed Reglan, I believe it was (anti-nausea medicine). It worked but it knocks you out! I only used it for a few weeks then didn't need it anymore.

Sounds like you & I r n the same boat sister LOL!! I posted my woe's on here yesterday and received a lot of helpful suggestions! My daughter is also 4 and has recently started mouthing off a lot back talking yelling at me when I ask her to pick up after herself, it's bn a long week let me tell ya! Haha..1st off I wanna say your husband is putting the blame on you bc he just doesn't wanna deal w/it! Don't blame yourself honey you've taken the initiative to ask for help. I've exhausted the whole "time out" bit, she just laughs when I put her there so I'll take her hand n walk her upstairs to her room until she is rdy to apologize to me. I'll go across the hall to my bedroom and wait, she's tried escaping many times but I catch her everytime and once again take her hand and walk bk into her room. She's 4 so her time out period is 4 minutes, if after the 4 mins and she still exhibits her fowl behavior I'll add another 4 mins and go from there. The 2nd go round usually works; I'll ask her why she was put in time out, if she doesn't kw or smarts off I'll add 4 more mins! She almost always knows why she is in time out, I'll ask her if she's going to behave that way again and she'll say no; we'll hug each other and she apologizes to me and all is well again, most of the time that is! Yes, I kw nw she's testing me and I've gotta let her kw that we're a TEAM and we get thorough each day together as a TEAM, that rly excites her! I'm a single mom so I play both roles; "mommy & daddy", I get very frustrated at times bc she doesn't hv a daddy to turn to or that I don't hv a husband to vent to or let me hv a lil ME time and daddy take over. I just count to 10 close my eyes then I say what I nd to say to her when disciplining her; I pray A LOT here lately, that always helps me! It took a long time for me to blv and hv faith again; her father died in a car wreck when I was 5 months along w/her, I had a lot of anger w/him & god for a long time. I just couldn't understand WHY he wld take her daddy away before they even met each other, thank goodness for great friends/family and the help of a few ppl at our church, they helped me blv again & to hv faith again. Yes it just down right sucks honey when your kids treat you awful and all you've done was make certain they had things they asked for such as toys, games, dolls, skates, etc..you do everything in your power to protect them from harm's way. It'll only get better honey, it can't get any worse right?! Haha..I always kp this thought w/me; "God gave us our kids for a reason, he picked ME to be a loving, caring, protective mother for my daughter", I'm going to do everything I can to be all of those things for her. I've said to myself the exact same thing you have; "I want her to hv a normal childhood, I wanna steer her in the right direction", well honey, you already are doing those things! I kw it may seem tough right nw but it does get btr I promise it does! Consistency is the main thing when disciplining your children, routines steer them n the right direction also bc it cuts their frustration down or out completely, w/o routines, kids wld be going to bed when they wanted, eating all the wrong foods, TV is a big thing in our home! My daughter watches very little television on a daily basis! Don't get me wrong she's learned a lot from Nick Jr; Dora, Diego, Kai Lin, Wonder Pets, Baby Einstein, etc..they all hv educational shows which is great!! My daughter has that leap frog set up in her room, I hook it up to her TV and she rly enjoys that! We do it together which she rly enjoys! Try incorporating some activities as a family doing them together, I bet your daughter wld enjoy her whole family being on her level learning w/her!! Well I hope you find a solution that helps you & your daughter, take care good luck & god bless! Feel free to contact me anytime if you'd like!

My daughter will tell me she doesn't love me anymore if I yell at her, and she will also call her dad a "poopoo" if he tries disciplining her, so it's not like she is learning bad words, but she is using words that are normal in a child's vocabulary and things she knows are hurtful, such as saying "I don't love you anymore". Timeouts in the bathroom no longer work, she just makes roaring monster sounds or stays in there quiet, and doesn't seem affected anymore. Sometimes she will kick the door and pretend to be hurt. We tried spanking and she laughs, and asks to be spanked more. The hot sauce someone suggested below wouldn't work, as she will eat wasabi, but what actually DOES work is total isolation. We will pretend to leave the house (by slamming the door and making stomping sounds) and once she thinks she is all alone, she will cry, apologize and say she won't do whatever it is she did/said again. Sometimes, if her father is out with her and she misbehaves at Chuck E Cheese for instance, he will stick her in the car (as threatening to go home doesn't work and she will just say "ok"), then he will say bye and walk around the corner. Once he is out of sight, she will cry and apologize, and the difference in her behavior after taking her out of the car at that point is like night and day. She will be back to her sweet, loving, charming self. Sometimes, taking away any form of attention is enough punishment that they will stop their antics, and works better than a timeout or taking an item they care about (something that is difficult in my case since she has over 50 toys and probably wouldn't miss one being taken away).

My girls used to do that, and throw temper tantrums. I finally made time out as uncomfortable as possible. When they go into time out, there is NO talking, they much stand in a corner, as close to the wall as possible without touching it. They also can't lean or touch the wall, and can not sit down. The longer they cry, said the stuff you don't want them saying.... The longer they stay in there. The big part here, is to NOT talk to them, or interact with them. You need to act like you don't even see them. The more they have an audience, the more they will act up. When they ask my a question in a nice calm voice with no name calling or sassiness, I say" Oh there is my loving son/daughter. I knew she/he was in there somewhere". :) Then answer the question. Hope this helps.

YokaReeder saved me on this one- check her out- she is brilliant- and I just kept saying oh my gosh of course- just common sense when you see it.
best, k

Punish her like taking tv away for 2 or 3 days. Or take some of her varoite toys away and tell her y u are doing this.

Do not get wrapped up in anything she says. Ignore it. Everytime you come back with an answer you are feeding into the whole thing. Talk to her at a good time and tell her the new rules of the house....everytime she talks nasty or does not follow directions, she will have to pick out one of her toys for the poor children. So when she does act up, have her go search for something and put it in a bag and donated to a charity. Have her repeat the rule so she understands. She will test you and follow through. Be consistant. Say what you mean, and mean what you say but don't talk too much! The least amount of talking, the better.

Best thing we've found at that age is to take something away from them that they love to play with, TV to watch, trip to the park, playdate, whatever. I'd give her a warning first to let her know the new rules, but if she continues, find something that truly has meaning & take it away for a night or a day, etc.

my son is 4 and he also will call me and his father stupid when he gets mad at us. he knows it's not nice, but..... well, anyways he likes to play video games and that's what we take away. he HATES it. he doesn't care about time out. also when he says he doesn't like me i tell him "you don't have to like me, you have to listen to me." he is a VERY loving child though. he just has a really bad temper, and no patience on top of it. i would suggest taking away a privilege. i wouldn't threaten something and then not follow thru. make it realistic. like if you were going to take her to the park (and you have no other children it would affect) and she gets sassy, don't take her. or if you have other kids and do go. make her sit with you. i find this helps much more than time out. and kids at 4 do learn to associate some words with name calling. i don't call my kids names and neither does my husband. they do pick things up from school, tv, etc....they learn these things just like they learn to say "that's pretty, or that's awesome". as long as she's not cussing, the words are picked up in every day use. i'm sure all of these moms on here will say something is "dumb,stupid, or some other descriptive word" that's where kids pick things up. And if your husband is living with you and he's not discipling it's his fault too.