3 Year Old Daughter Acting Out After New Baby

Don't feel to bad. You aren't the only one out there. My 3 year old just started acting out too. (11 months after her twin brother and sister were born) She has been hitting, pushing and kicking her brother. And she has been having a potty accident at least once every day. I have been yelling, giving time-outs and last week I took ALL of her toys and books out of her room. Nothing has worked so far. A friend of mine recommended a book called Positive Discipline. I just ordered it...so we'll see. Good luck.

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I went through something similar when my son was 4 and his baby sister was born. He was fine with dad, but with me he turned VIOLENT. He was mean to his sister and me for a whole year. Exasperated I asked my preschool director (who is an amazing wealth of information and humanity) for advice. She said, "all misbehavior is due to unmet needs."
http://www.awareparenting.com/articles.htm Aletha Solter (based in Goleta, she gives FREE talks in Santa Barbara, CA which I highly recommend) has wonderful articles. Read her "WHY DO CHILDREN MISBEHAVE?" and "TWENTY ALTERNATIVES TO PUNISHMENT."
For a year I tried to pawn off my son to dad, so I could focus on the baby. I realized that that was a HUGE mistake. He just wanted me. Some one-on-one with me. So I started to do that. (I knew that punishment, aka time outs would not solve the problem - get to the root of it and could only fuel MORE anger and grief on his part. Anyway, once I started that, the tantrums, back-talk, hitting, misbehavior... all of it STOPPED. He was a happy, loving, cooperative child again. Her feelings of jealousy are legitimate. Aletha (who argues that crying and raging is a healthy release and should never be punished) would encourage you to let her express her feelings without hurting herself and others. It's "OK" to be sad... "mommy loves YOU so much..." and show her the many ways you still love her. I read in some parenting book a great analogy... imagine your husband comes home and tells you, "honey, I decided to have another wife. You will love her. You will have a new friend to hang out with and it will help our family grow." How would you feel? LOL

1 mom found this helpful

Time outs really work well if you are willing to enforce them. And even better than discipline is giving praise and attention for good behavior - that's what she is really looking for. Next time you have to feed the baby, have her sit next to you and read to her. Have her help get the diaper for the change. And let her rock her doll to sleep while you rock the new baby.

Mother of 4 1/2 boy, 2 1/2 boy, and 9 mos girl.

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Hi,

While I don't have a three year old (I have an almost 1 year old), it sounds like it could be terrible twos... or the fact that she is feeling left out.

I can't imagine that yelling makes things any better. How about reading her books about sisters/baby and big sister etc. Also, perhaps you and your partner could take it in turns to do fun days with JUST her. Take her on an outing to the Boone gallery at LACMA (kids can paint and draw etc), or the aquarium and so on. Make her feel that she is special and maybe take some time out to let her know that she is still special/that baby is just a baby and needs more attention etc.

I hope this helps.

N.

you can imagine how she must feel, try to include her in the work of taking care of the baby so that she feels important. as hard as it is, you need to find time to spend with her doing 3-yr-old stuff

Hi S., I have a new baby 7 months old and an almost 4 year old. We went through a lot of the same stuff when the baby was born and then one day the older one woke up and was back to his old happy self. I can't say we did anything specific, but we didn't fight the resistance to using the potty. I merely offered him a diaper if he wanted. We also made sure he had special time with Mommy and acknowledged the change to being an older brother in a straightforward manner. I did read one book by the Sears, written for children about new babies... it was helpful, but I don't remember the name. It is a hard transition... I knew it was going to get bad when my older son asked to give the baby to Goodwill. Good luck!

I'm going through the same thing with 3 year son and my daughter is 8 months old. I think part of it might be developmental too. We are trying the "Super Nanny" approach with a "Naughty Spot" for time out. Every time he yells at us we put him in time out and if he continues to yell or throw things or leave the spot we tell him he has to stay another minute. It's 1 minute for every year so he's in for 3 minutes. Super Nanny has a website and I think she has even written a book. We are now finally seeing him calm down after a few days of being CONSISTENT with the time-outs and not letting him slide when he yells at us. Also, he is finally getting interested in peeing on the potty again too! Good luck!

I am a Grandma of 3yr old and 10 month old. Try a sticker chart. Five stickers for good behavior give her some little toy or treat that is important to her. Hang it on the refrigerator where she can see it. Make a Big deal about her Good behavior.

Another thing that works for my grandson is taking a toy away from him for bad manners. Don't make a Big production about it. Just make sure she knows why after she calms down why it was taken away.

He also has a naughty chair that he has to sit in for 3 min.
He hates it and really acts out. But we do not make a Big
deal about it. After the 3 min ask Do you know why you had to be in the Naughty Chair?

Good luck
As you know this is Only One of many challenges
Grandma K.

hi, i too have a new baby (6 months) and a toddler (3yrs). my son also acted out quite a bit after his sister was born. i would make the punishment fit the crime. for instant, if he hit her with one of his toys, i would take the toy away and put it on the mantel (in his sight) and explain to him that he lost his privelage. if he was too rough with her (ex. poking her in the face) i would tell him that he couldn't touch her (just for a short time). just try not to be too hard on your child. one thing that i find helpful is if i let him be my "assistant". He now refers to himself as mommy's assistant when he helps me with the baby - in particular at baby's bath time. it really makes him feel important. he has settled down quite a bit. hang in there!! this WILL pass.
T.

Try to talk to your daughter and explain to her that she's now the big sister. Being a big sister means like "little mommy". She has to get involve in any activity with regards to the baby like, changing diapers, dressing up the baby, giving a bath, preparing the clothes of the baby, holding the feeding bottle during feeding time. Keep your daughter busy. Spend time playing with your daughter when the baby is asleep. Be creative like doing puppet show, reading books, eating snacks (biscuits and tea) - using little teapots, cups and saucer. She'll enjoy it. Best regards.

I agree with Tanya in that she seems to need more time with you alone. My girls are 6 years apart and although she was older spent so much time with just her especially during nap time for the baby, our favorite was making cookies while the baby slept. When my husband was home I had him help more with the baby than with the older one.

Another suggestion is help her feel needed. Have her help you give the baby a bath or get the baby dressed (she could pick out the baby's clothes). Give her fun things to do and not always just the simply boring tasks of fetching things (though that is good she still needs more fun things too). I actually let my daughter rock the baby while I unloaded the dishwasher and she loved that, she just sat there and didn't move, I think a three year old could do that.

O.K.Mom, just try to calm down. This is not the Army, it is a family, and people have feelings and do not understand them, especially 3 year olds. Just do not pay so much attention to the misbehavior, and notice only the good and loving behavior. yes, you can do it.

I remember that it is not easy being the older sister. Umhum, I do. and I am 76 years old now. My sister was born when I was 4 and noone told me it was going to happen. Oh yes, that was not nice. C. N.

There are some really good posts already, but there are some not so great ones too and I wanted to give my two cents... DO NOT PUNISH YOUR OLDER CHILD (at least not in the traditional sense) for acting out her frustrations. The suggestions about making a special time for her was a wonderful idea. Also, letting her help with the baby will be good for her sense of self worth. You are absolutely right that yelling at her is good for no one. How do you feel when you do it? Probably not good, and she isn't learning a thing from it, except to tune you out when you yell. Learn to use a firm voice that isn't a yelling voice. Use positive language instead of saying "no" or "don't do that." This takes a while to adjust to, but once you get used to it it will be totally natural. Basically, instead of telling her what NOT to do (don't hit, don't throw your blocks, etc) tell her what TO do (use soft touches, blocks are for building, etc). But don't be all wishy washy, either. A great book is Parenting With Dignity: The Early Years. I read it ages ago when I was having a difficult time keeping my patience with a child in my childcare class, and it was extremely helpful. But the keys are to be positive and persistant.

Personally, and my child is younger and not having the same problem, I have personal rules about the way I will behave towards my child. I will not yell at her. I will not give in to ANY whining or crying (with the exception of hurt crying). I will not strike my child. I will not make her feel bad about herself. I will not chase her (unless she runs into the street). I will give her feedback when she accomplishes something, but I will not give her empty praise (nice job! good!- all empty praise). Try coming up with some rules about how YOU will act, and follow those before you put expectations on your child.

Remember, a parent who yells and makes demands will have a child who yells and makes demands (come here, now!- I've heard a child yell this at her mother, and the mother couldn't figure out why? In the next moment she said the exact same thing.

Good luck!

I have three children, two who are 20 months apart who had virtually no jealousy or acting out because the oldest was so young, but I have a another child who is 5 years younger than my oldest and 3 years younger than my second. My second child had the worst time when my 3rd was born. He totally regressed, wanted to be called a baby, was already well potty trained, but began peeing in his bed at night. He was not violent with his sister, but acted like a baby. We kind of let him do it, and he got over it, but we also talked about how cool it was to be a big boy and all the fun stuff he got to do, like walk, and talk, and eat yummy food, and use the toilet instead of sitting in poop. I also try to make a big deal about the older sibling instead of the baby when I meet a new baby, like "You are probably the best big sister," and "Hopefully the baby will be as wonderful as you are", because everyone loves a baby and not everyone loves a toddler, so lots of strangers and friends exacerbate the problem by paying way too much attention to babies. Maybe you are your husband can take turns with each kid doing something special, your husband can take your older daughter to the zoo, you hang out with the baby, and switch the next time.
For the potty thing, it is very helpful to be around bigger kids who already use the potty, the peer pressure, admiration of bigger kids really works. Good luck!

Hi tried Mom: I have two girls of my own. They are 1 year and 3 weeks apart. You can imagine my surprise when I had a new baby of 4 months and the doctor tole me I was pregnant again. I burst in to visible tears and said, "Oh my...isn't that a lovely blessing?".

I get it. You need to stop the guilt thing. Stop that right now. She will not be damaged by sharing her Moms time with her sister. She will learn and adapt. Guilt sends the wrong message. It will help no-one.

Really. I understand the isolation of only talking to little people all day...but you need to carve out some 'alone time' with the 3 year old. Tell her "we are going to have our own time (I used to call it school) when the baby goes down for a nap. During 'school' we would make a snack and set it on a plate... sit at the small child's table.. and talk about different themes. WHen we did body parts...I had a doll and asked her..'WHat is this?'(arm, leg, belly). Then I read a book at the end and said point to the ....(you get it). The point was to make it all about her and three year olds love their body. You can then expand on it at the next lesson by saying..."What do you do with your legs?..(and so on)." Let that be it's own time. Putting her into school was excellent too.
Also- you do not need to be her only playmate. Remember she has friends at school. Get some dolls or puppets and make a play date. Maybe the mother will respond in kind by taking her one day as well.
Also- once a week have someone come in and take the girls out for a walk. At this time...YOU GET SOME REST.

Just breathe. And have Daddy or Grandma spend some extra time quality time with her, so she can still feel some of that specialness she is used to. And remember, they always act worse when Mommy is around, so just feel lucky! that she feels so comfortable being a whiny brat in front of you. Hahaha Good luck.