3.5 Year Old Acting Out

I don't have much advice, but I do think you should let go of the guilt. You are the mother of a 3 week old baby! This is one of the hardest times in your life, ever. Forgive yourself for yelling. You are under tremendous stress -- you aren't getting any sleep, for one thing -- and it's okay.

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Let me start off by saying its not your fault..... and then end it by saying that 3.5 was THE WORST AGE EVER! My oldest son.... oh I was ready to sell him to the gypsies when he was 3.5. My youngest is now almost 4... and I would have given him away for free. i'm not even kidding.... 3.5 is a HARD AGE! IT DOES GET BETTER! She's not only feeling a big jealous with the new baby, but its just the age too. She's getting big for her britches and testing her boundaries... learning she is her own person and seeing what she can and can't get away with.

With my boys, I found they were at a crossroads... wanting to be a big boy but also not past that 'baby' phase yet. They were insecure but wanting to be independent. So it is hard for both her and you! You need to encourage her but be there for her as well.

I promise it will pass, and 4 is an AWESOME AGE! But be prepared, because the '1/2 years' (3.5, 4.5, 5.5, 6.5, etc) are the hardest, my boys both went through these difficult phase right around their 1/2 birthdays.

Congrats on your new baby, and just rest assured that its nothing you are doing, she is testing and she needs boundaries and lots and lots of love and encouragement.

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My daughter was 2.5 when I had my son... I had to re-potty train her, and it started they day I brought him home from the hospital!

She is just feeling neglected, and acting her age.
I would try to take the time to really talk to her about her feelings. You might be suprised at how much she can verbalize what she feels at her age.
Try to schedule in an hour, or at least half an hour a day for your husband to take the baby, and you focus entirely on her. Call it your special time. Daddy needs to bond with the baby anyways :)
This will help her feel important to you. I would do whatever she misses that you had more time for before the baby.

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Maybe if you involve her with taking care of the baby with you her behavior will improve. She's probably feeling left out and having a hard time with not getting much attention from you. It's great that her dad and grandparents are giving her lots of attention, but she needs you too!

Have her be "mom's helper". Let her get the diapers and wipes when you're going to change the baby. She could help with the baby's bath...let her wash the baby's feet, hand you a towel, pick out what the baby's going to wear. Any easy tasks so that she can feel involved.

Also, set aside a little time where it's just the two of you and someone else is taking care of the baby. Play a game, read some stories... give her your full attention.

I think if you do these things, your older daughter will be happier and her behavior will change.

Hi C.,
I think she is vying desperately for your attention and that she feels that the baby has taken over her position in the family. A lot of patience and guidance is required . Shouting will not help. Try to talk to her in firm voice and model the behaviour you expect from her to her sister and towards you. That is the best way (IMO) that they learn at that age. The reason why she is acting up as she doesn't know alternative ways to express herself and is not doing it in the "correct "way.

I agree with making sure you spend plenty of time with her - maybe when your husband gets home from work you could take her outside and play on the swings, etc. with only her. While the baby is napping you could spend time coloring with her, etc. Make sure she realizes how special she is too. She's been with you by herself for 3 1/2 years and now everything is changing. It will pass, as having her be your helper will also help. Good luck!

My daughter is 3.5 and my son is 3 months- sounds like our house. My daughter is sassy, cranky, overly-dramatic crying, stomping, slamming. Loves her brother but takes out her frustrations on mom and dad. Her favorite word is "no" and it's all driving me crazy, I can't stand this bad attitude. We have tried "time-outs" on the kitchen chair, she gets sent to her room if she is too loud (crying), she has had vinegar put on her tongue if she talks back and that seems to work the best. Now all I have to do is threaten with the vinegar and she shapes up for a bit. Also, we're trying the "reward jar". If she does something good, she gets to put a marble in a jar, when she does something bad, she has to take a marble out. When the jar is full she gets a reward. I also hate my behavior towards her at times because I feel like all I'm doing is yelling at her and punishing her. But I am also trying to be overly loving towards her when I can. Also, it's good to spend quality time with just her or do special things with her.

First do a week of love flooding. This means that you start offering tons of extra love and hugs and kisses that are completely independent of her behavior. If she is ignoring you or stomping her feet or being sweet and helpful, it doesn't matter. Offer her hugs, hugs, and more hugs and tell her how much you love her. This will put you both in a better mood and help you remember what is REALLY important.

Then realize that her behavior is perfectly normal at this age and in this situation. That doesn't mean it will stay that way forever and it doesn't mean that you should do nothing either. Stop yelling and start identifying her emotions..."Looks like you are feeling mad, would you like to tell me about why now or after you have some time to calm down." Then really listen to her and mirror back what she says. She is at an age where she starts having a lot more complex emotions but does not understand why or how to cope with them. Yelling just makes her more emotional and does nothing to teach her the skills she needs. No point in feeling guilty about yelling, just make a point to limit it to really critical safety moments like "stop!" because she is going to hurt herself or the baby.

Believe, this method is more work up front but it pays off big time by the time they are 4.5-5, probably sooner for you since she is already a pretty "easy" kid. I have an extremely spirited kid who has always had a rough time in social and emotional situations and these 2 methods above have brought us such joy and rewards. Good luck! And good for you to ask for advice and recognize that you are in a vicious cycle of negativity right now.

Hi C.,
I am a mom of 4 ages (3,5,7,9. My advice is to send her to time out or ignore it. She is going throught the adjustment of having the new baby just like you and it takes time. I would try to choose your battles wise with her and not put yourself through it. Also, talk with your dr about post partum. I feel going from one baby to two is the very hardest. It was for me. Everyone is going to need lots more tiime and believe me your hormones are in high gear!! Take care of yourself and try to cut the slack just a bit with her, she will come around!! Also, when you see her being helpful praise her and tell her how proud of her you are for being so helpful. Let her be a "helper" with the baby so she feels impprtant. The baby won't break trust me!!

GOOD luck
L.

Pert of her behavior, I would chalk up to being normal for her age. My daughter is very sweet at 3.5, but she also has days where it seems all she does is defy and challenge me. She got a new baby sister at age 2.5, and she acted out by hitting, pinching, defying me. I counted myself very lucky that she never took any of it out on the baby. It took well over a month for her to work through all of it. I know that she was mad at me because I left her for 3 days (labor came and went) and because I wasn't able to give her all of my undivided attention any more. One of the things that helped was that my step-mom came to stay with us for a week, and she was able to give my daughter lots of one-on-one time. She was also able to hold the baby so that I could give my daughter undivided attention too. I tried to involve her in helping with the baby as much as possible, let her hold the baby (with help of course) and praised her whenever she was kind, and helpful.

I sympathize with your situation. Having a tiny baby is tiring enough, but it sounds like you have your hands and heart full with Cloe as well.

When I read your post, I thought of a book that has been sooo valuable to me as I have raised my two girls (now 6 and 8). It is called Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish. They are also co-authors of the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk (which I also recommend).

What is so great about the book is that it provides real examples of practical ways to interact with your children, and ways to help them engage in correcting their own behavior. Cloe is pretty little yet, but the concepts the book explores are valuable for any age. I bought it while I was pregnant with my second child and it has been miraculous at helping us navigate behavior issues that are bound to occur for any child and family.

I especially sympathize with your frustration about yelling. It is hard enough to be sleep-deprived, much less have a new behavior to address. One suggestion from the book that I have found most helpful is to "put the child's experience into words". For us, that meant saying to Mara (the oldest) things like "It is hard to share mommy's lap" or "You don't like it when mommy can't read to you whenever you want." Just putting into words the feelings that you are seeing might be a way for Cloe to feel that you are paying attention to her too.

Good luck.

Hi Cyrstal,

First of all- 3.5 yrs--AWFUL age! My daughter was 3 when I had my son, and the tantrums were unbearable. Thought it was just b/c she was jealous of the baby. But now my son is doing it, too. (and there is no baby) But the common factor, he's 3.5! One thing I try to do and it helps with the jealousy of having a sibling in general. My husband and I each try to do special things with each child. My daughter and I have "Mommy and Maddie Day" once a month where we will go shopping, or just take the day to run errands. She enjoys it b/c it's just us. And with my son, we go to the park, take a walk, go to the movies or something small like that. They both enjoy the time they have with each of us 1 on 1. They feel special and it puts us in a good mood, too! The yelling was my problem, too. And that in time, will start to dwindle. Just don't be so hard on yourself. If you are calmer she will be too.

Good luck!

~B.