3 1/2 Year Old Being Moody/misbehaving

I'm glad you've noticed that dealing with his frustration by increasing his frustration, and then correcting him for feeling frustrated, isn't working.

I'd try talking to him while he's not frustrated; better yet, while he's having fun, and explaining how his days can be so much easier if he tries to tell you what he's feeling or what he needs. You could make, or he could help you make, some cards that symbolize some of his most frequent requests. Then he can bring you, or point to, the card that best describes his need of the moment.

A mother of an autistic boy in my religious community used cards like these for years before her son was able to actually use words. It really empowered him and reduced his frustration.

There's no need to be punitive, no matter how exasperated you feel.
The information in the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" pretty much saved my children's lives! I cannot recommend it highly enough! The drama and tension in our house is dramatically reduced. There's no tricky "program" or manipulation or mental gymnastics, just amazingly effective ways to diffuse tantrums and blow-ups. . . for both of you. This book has been out in paperback for awhile and it's a quick read, probably available at your local library or for cheap on amazon.com. Honestly, please get your hands on this book.
"The Discipline Book" by Dr. William Sears and "Adventures in Gentle Discipline" by Hilary Flower are also good reads and will help you realize it's not just you and your kid who hit some bumps in the road, but your loving relationship can be maintained and you'll be happier for coping in gentle, respectful ways.
This is a tricky age because he is aware of so many things he would like to do, but is also aware that he cannot yet do them all--this is so discouraging! Perhaps he needs some empathy and validation. *Everyone* wants to be heard and respected, and this need is double or triple for him because of his age and the frustration he must feel as he works on communication. I have been astounded at how quickly a little validation melts away a building tantrum, but a punitive response just makes everything worse. (Really, no one "responds well" to punishment! It's demoralizing and makes kids feel resentful and vengeful, not calm and ready to try things again nicely.)
I think distraction and redirection are the best methods of coping in this situation, and yet, I think positive reinforcement is always superior to punishment. But, it doesn't have to be tricky or a formal "method." Just remember to say validating things to him often such as "Thank you for waiting right here next to me!" or "I like the way you are putting those crayons in the box!" or "You really want a cookie! I like cookies, too. After lunch, let's eat cookies together! Will you help me stir the soup now?" These little gentle comments can do so much for your relationship.
Also, it's so important to remember to give positive directions such as "I need you to sit on the sofa," instead of "Stop jumping on the sofa!" The concept of "no jumping" or "stop jumping" is pretty abstract for young children, and if you're like me, you'll be yelling before your request is honored.
Please hang in there, and keep his basic needs met--often, trouble starts when kids are hungry, thirsty, tired, needing positive direct attention, or struggling with a developmental milestone that will fade away by the end of the week. This is not forever, but your loving relationship with your son is.
Best wishes!

Wow!! I could have written this. My son is also 3 1/2, has speech delay, and goes to pre-k twice a week for 2 hours. My son was just diagnosed on the autism spectrum. Has your son been evaluated formally for autism or any related diagnosis? The reason I ask is the tantrums are an autistic characteristic, because of the length and intensity. It has to do with sensory processing. And of course the speech delay is also a concern.
My sons tantrums can be very challenging. That's the nice way to put it. The corner didn't work because he could just flop all over the place on the floor, so I switched to a chair. So now we have a time out chair. I have no idea why, but it works much better than the floor. He will sit in it till he can calm down. It can still take awhile, but eventually he calms down. Hope this helps.

My answer is a bit different-- but hear me out and maybe have your child checked out. My 3.5 year old daughter is the same way. She gets upset over the littlest things, bursts into tears over toys she wants but others are playing with, etc. I realize this is normal behavior for this age, but I also know that my daughter faces a challenge others do not. She had a stroke at birth, destroying the right side of her brain. She has come a LONG way in her 3 years and to the naked eye looks completely normal. But some of the "after affects" and damage include trouble relegating her moods and behaviors. My point to you is not that your child had a stroke, but there could be a disconnect in his brain (which is also affecting the speech delay he has) that could be affecting his mood regulation as well. I have a behavioral therapist working with my daughter and it is very impressive to see the ideas, tips, and strategies working. It is merely a suggestion that having a behavioral therapist working with your son, could help with what could be contributing to his mood swings. Something about which to think. :)

Hi i have a 4 yr old that has a the same problem, his behavoiur is that bad that he cracks tantrums, acts out like his hurting but isnt, screams cries, dosent listen, self inflicts inself ( banging his head) My son also goes to preshool, 3 times a week 2 mornings n 1 full day. He blank stares me and runs away from me, and he bit me the other day. I am at a lost too, this is happening for a while.

Could he be acting up because you're sending him to preschool? It's the one thing that's changed in his life. Some kids need to stay with mom a little longer. In fact, we want our kids out way too soon.

It's a crazy age. And as someone said below, you can't reason with a child this age. You can calmly explain what is happening and why. I read somewhere that our actions speak much louder than words - and I think it's true.

I think you are on the right path with the positive reinforcement. Also, try to really listen to him (verbal and non verbal) about what he needs. Reward him with your attention and play with him. Let him direct the play. Find ways to give him choices that both work for you and give him a sense of control... then when you ask him to do something, he will be more likely to comply. Keep trying different techniques until you find one that works for you and your son - there is no one size fits all answer.

When a child is at school... and doing so many things, it is "work" and tiring for a child to be on point and behaved and on it, ALL day.

When they come home, they need to deflate. Deflating often means that they are getting out all of their "yah-yah's" and what not. It is not easy for a child, to be in school all day listening to direction and sitting still and etc.
They get pent up and just plain tired, and or are hungry when they come home.
Much like an adult that comes home from a LONG hard day at work and acting a certain way, doing things for others, following direction, and trying to be perfect about it all.

My daughter, was/is like that too. I know her cues, and I KNOW she is just deflating from a long hard day at school. I am thankful that my girl is so well behaved at school and is the perfect student...but when she comes home, all her pent up whatever, comes out. I don't censor her to the point that she can't unwind, but I know there will be a moment where she is just deflating and needs to.

A child, to a certain extent, has to have a place where they can vent/unwind/deflate, too. Otherwise, we cannot expect them to just "behave" like a robot all darn day. Kids have their threshold too, of what they can or cannot manage. Us, as adults, need to "vent" too at times, and we do. But for kids, adults are always expecting them to behave ALL day. What a doozy for a child. And, at 3 years old... it is a hard age anyway. So MANY expectations upon them... sometimes their tiny shoulders just cannot carry it all or the burden.

Tell your son, he can unwind... but not to "hurt" anyone. To try his "best"... not being perfect... that you know he IS a good boy.

While he is tantrumming... don't "stop" it per say... but tell him go in his room... let it out. That is his safe place. Then when he deflates (and a child will deflate after letting it out), then go to him, talk with him calmly, tell him you love him and you know sometimes it is just hard. But you are a TEAM... and that is what Mommy is for... but he can "help" you too.
Kids often, even if irked, need validation... because they cannot always cope with their emotions either and need help. And if they know you are not going to punish them for it... for an honest feeling, but HELP them cope... even if it is punching a pillow TOGETHER... then they will often just key down themselves. Teach him alternate ways of getting out his yah-yah's.

Just some quick thoughts.
All the best,
Susan

Ms. B., the one comment that caught my eye is " I can't reason with him".. Hun, you are talking about a 3 1/2 yr old.. seriously, I can't reason with my 12 yr. old.. I think you should quit trying to reason with the child and being his "friend" and let him know who is boss. That would be mommy or daddy. If he starts throwing a fit, express your disappointment in him... them maybe the time out and taking away of the toys, but in all honesty, he is not to young for a good old fashioned crack on the behind.. That usually gets their attention faster than saying... "I'm gonna take this toy from you." Which at that age, they really don't understand anyway.

I think Peg's card idea is fantastic. Your son is getting upset b/c he can't say what he wants to say. Not being able to communicate effectively is incredibly frustrating. It sounds like that is the root of the problem. Perhaps if her is better able to get his needs across and feels like he has control over communication, his moods will improve.

(I'm an adult stutterer, and I know first hand the frustration involved in not being able to communicate. Sometimes I feel like throwing a temper tantrum.)

I recommend 1-2-3 Magic, it's a great book and very clear on how to be effective and has a section for stop behavior (stuff you want them to stop doing) and start behavior like cleaning their room kind of stuff.

I am doing marbles w/ my son, where we will put a marble in the jar for good behavior and a full jar means something special. like a day at the jumping gym or a kid's meal or something he finds rewarding. I haven't decided on a reward yet, but my friend does it and loves it.

I personally recommend some physical time. when we have trouble w/ our son it seems to be related to him not playing outside b/c it's so cold. Like he just has too much pent up energy that goes into misbehaving. Plus he's 2 so he's much happier when we give him choices and things to be independent about like putting his coat on, pushing the LED light on the heater and little things like that.