6 Year Old Daughter, Constantly Whines

Ditto Stephanie F. However, I don't think I would let her have a second chance...at least until she proves she can get herself under control quickly. Immediately upon the start of whining, gently lead her to her room while saying, "I can't understand you when you whine so you can just stay in her until you are ready to speak in a normal tone. I will come check on you in 10 minutes and we'll see how you are feeling." Do NOT go back for at least 10 minutes and do NOT let her peek her head out and tell you that she is done whining...that is her trying to get some control back. Make sure her room isn't filled with fun stuff or it won't be that much of a punishment.

Also, if the teacher is commenting on it at school, I would take away some after school privledges such as dance class or sports until she has the whining under control. Just tell her matter of factly that no one wants a whiner on their team and until she can control herself better, she cannot participate.

Just remember that she is a child and does NOT need long winded explanations. Keep it simple and direct and don't keep repeating yourself...say it once, say it firmly and be done with it.

One last thing....it drives me crazy when people suggest that adding a new sibling is the source of all behavior issues. Enlist her help with the baby and praise her for being an awesome big sister...make it sound fun and she'll probably think it is. Bad behavior should never warrant extra special outings or events....sure, spend some extra minutes at home reading a book together, talking about her day, etc., but don't make a big deal of it. Kids react to things the way we teach them to react and if you act guilty or worried for adding another baby into the mix, your daughter will pick up on that and use it to her advantage. :)

Good luck!

Girls + their age = whining, or that high pitched voice.

The book "Your 6 Year Old" , from www.amazon.com is great. Its a series of books in each age. Although written years ago, it is still pertinent. And explains simply what each age goes through, and how they understand the world.

Next, my girl is like that too. BUT... I understand that sometimes, especially when she is either (1) tired or, (2) hungry, she whines. I/we always encourage our kids to express themselves... but for this "whining" thing... what I do is: I tell my girl "Okay, you are in your yah-yah moment. You can whine for 5 minutes, and get out your yah-yahs, then that's it." And OFTEN times, this works, and she will deflate, then feel better afterward. Then after that... we do our thing where if she whines/gets high pitched... she can go in her room and just yell it out/whine. As long as she does not take it out on others. This works for us.
AND she has gotten much better... she does not do it so much anymore.

Kids often need to get out their "pent-up" whatever. For my girl, I can more or less predict when she will get like this. So, we trouble shoot THAT... instead of just punishing for any little voice inflection that is "irritating." Because as our girl "explained" (we asked her why she does this), and she says "I can't just control it all the time, I'm a little girl, not a grown up.... even you/daddy gets icky too sometimes..." (uh yah, she has a point). But we emphasize that she "practice" her voice.

What ALSO helps it, kids this age don't always have impulse/emotional control yet... and they can still be impulsive. So... what we do is, when our girl gets like that... I say "Redo." (which means: okay, try and say it in ANOTHER way... you have a chance to 'redo' that voice/sentence/request, etc.) And, this ALSO 'teaches' the child "how" to use their voice... more pleasantly, while still being able to say what they feel. Thus, they get validation.... which is often why they get frustrated).

If she is doing this in school... she has to learn otherwise she will disrupt the other kids. Perhaps, if she can learn to gauge herself... and then, do something else, instead of the whining? Like, take deep breaths. Which helps the "stress levels" in anyone, even adults. Then again, some Teachers will either ignore that particular child until they interact more 'pleasantly' or they will get time-out, or placed somewhere else... if they are disrupting the other kids.
Have you asked the Teacher how she handles kids like that?

My daughter has a class-mate like that... (a 7 year old boy), but per privacy issues, I don't know what his problem is. But, he actually cries/whines/tantrums when he does not get his way. And it does un-nerve the other kids. I think he sees a counselor.

I think, teaching how to express their feelings appropriately, 'allowing' them to feel understood, creating an alternative way they can let out their yah-yahs, and just plain not giving in, are ways you can trouble-shoot it.
I'm sure other Moms will have LOTS of other suggestions too.

Or, ask your daughter WHY SHE GETS LIKE THAT... and let her think about it, and explain in any way she can. Then ask her "HOW can you feel better, instead of whining/tantruming?" She may not have a pat answer about it, like an older child... but just as a way of feeling it out and 'seeing' what she is thinking.

Since time-outs and taking things away from her does NOT work... nor encourage her... how else can she realize it? Is is just her personality? Or temperament?

The book "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" is also GREAT. You can find it on Amazon or any bookstore.

I know, its not easy.
Just some ideas.
All the best,
S.

Hi S.,

As a parent coach, I know how challenging our kids disruptive behavior can be. I work with parents all the time who want to put a stop to one behavior or another. The key is that your daughter is using her behavior to tell you something. Maybe she senses that soon she will no longer be the baby in the family. Maybe she is sad that Dad has to travel a lot. The whining is an indicator, though, that something is going on for her. Trying to put an end to the whining will not put an end to the feelings. She needs you to help her identify what is going on for her and help her find healthy and productive ways to express herself.

Here is an article that I wrote that might be of some help to you.

http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/6/11_Attack...

Additionally, I have a parent workshop series coming up in a few weeks that would be perfect for you. Here is the full class description.

http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Classes.html

If I can be of further help, feel free to contact me.
Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

I love SH advice. the "redo" we do in our house as well. When he said i just cant help it i tell him to go in his room and scream in a pillow, this helps to release some tension and it gives me a moment to breathe because i get very frustrated with this as well.
the other thing that has been the biggest success is implement rewards. if you have a reward system just incorporate speaking nicely as one of the reasons to get a reward. we use play money 1,5 10,and 20 each amount of money represents different things and mainly we use this to "catch him" doing great things. so he gets money in the jar for brushing his teeth, taking a bath,taking out the trash ext. but also for helping his brother, doing what we ask the first time, having a good attitude. we reward him randomly and we do it for things he usually doesn't know we are watching. he can redeem his -money- for small things like picking out any one item at the dollar store or get a special snack in his lunch box for a week he seems motivated by the rewards much more than punishment, it has also been fun for me to reward. this has seemed to cut down on the power struggle because we are working as a team. perhaps you could do something like this for school. she could start out with a dollar amount for the day and she will loose a dollar for each incident. you could have her teacher just keep a simple tally she puts in the homework folder each day. that way she could feel a big feeling of accomplishment the day she gets it perfect but is encouraged as she progresses.
we still do use discipline of course! i have had to just leave a store with him throwing a fit and time out is well used but i have found the rewards have brought a much more positive feeling into our home.
good luck 6 years is an awesome age!!! she will be such a help with the new baby.

Just a thought, maybe she is whiny because of the upcoming birth of another sibling. It is a control thing, because she wants attention and positive or negative is all the same.

I would try spending more 1:1 time with her before the baby comes. Reassure her and let her know that you love her.

Best of luck,
J.

Hi S.,

Yes, it's a control thing. You're the boss, period. Stick with the "I can't hear you when you whine." If she persists, off to her room she goes where she can whine all she wants and not hurt anyone's ears. When she can speak in a "big girl" voice, she may come out. Be matter of fact, say it with a smile (even if your teeth are grinding to dust) and stick with it. Consistency on this one is key.

And if she throws a hissy fit, cries, throws a tantrum, whatever, bonus! She's already in her room and there she may stay.

(If her hissy fits are really spectacular, I would slowly start removing all the fun stuff from her room. Make it a place she only goes for sleep and clothes changes. Fun things go to little girls who don't whine, you can tell her.)

If she tries these stunts while your out and about, leave. No discussion, no compromise, just, "Sweetie, I can't hear you when you whine. Please use your big girl voice or we'll have to leave." "But, Moooooooommmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyy!" Boom. Firmly take her hand and lead her back to the car. If she throws a fit, no worries, you're leaving anyway. Just go home, say nothing, unless it's to accept her apology, and off to her room she goes. Some things are non-negotiable and no whining, in my book, is one of them.

It took my youngest son almost a year to get this one through his head. I thought I was going to go crazy or that my son would live his entire elementary years in his room, but he finally figured it out. It finally came down to us, very literally, ignoring him until he used the proper tone. It's all about attention. He wanted it and he learned he had to do things our way to get it.

This is excruciating. Good luck.

You are right, you are the parent, you set the guidelines. Parenting your child is far more effective then disciplining the term discipline really means - a system of rules of conduct or method of practice - so PRACTICE being the parent you want around your child.

If he is doing something you don't like tell her what you DO like. You are the guide, the role model, the final decision.

You must keep repeating...we don't "do that" (whine) that in this family, are you part of this family? (she will answer yes) then you repeat it, we don't "whine" in this family. Then redirect the situation. There is no punishment, there is only fact. This family is repectful. This family is kind. This family honors everyone. If you let the behaviour go once (and punishing it is letting it go), she will decide when and where he can use that behaviour again.

Kids are brilliant. They remember everything!

Here is the problem with "time out", kids learn to weigh the time away with what the "crime" is. They often feel that a couple of minutes in "the chair" is worth it. It obviously is not working with her.

PS how is your relationship when you are frustrated? Who wins here?

For the last 13 years in my house, in my classroom and with the families I coach, I have a guideline of acceptability. I say it, I expect it and guess what, it happens.

S., be the mom you want to be and she will be the daughter you want her to be. GUARANTEED!

You are the parent, you get to decide how your child will act.

PS: What are you feeding her for breakfast...that will definitely make or break her day. If you don't think her behaviour is related to the foods she eats, then we need to chat.

B.
Family Wellness Coach

I think it's important that when we tell our kids what not to do, that we also direct them in what they should do instead.
With my son, I don't make a huge fuss, I just calmly, and matter of factly remind him that we don't use whining, and then I'll say something like, "oh, let's try that one again while speaking like a big boy (or more calmly, etc)" or "I'd love to hear what you have to say, but I really need for you to speak more xxx" And I might even give him an example of how to restate himself. I've pretty much done that with him since he was a little bitty guy and started with tantrums, etc. Anyway, he will usually try it again with a better tone, and then I will make sure to listen to what he has to say and to let him know what a great job he did.
I even do it with other kids, and it works pretty well.

We do the "redo" thing in our house, too. No whining, period, from anyone...unless they specifically come in and say I'm going to whine about "x" now.

In the beginning, the redo's could be 7 or 8 time is a row until the whine was taken out. We'd do the same phrase over and over until the whine was TOTALLY gone (part of it, with my son at least, was not really having a clear idea of what whining sounded/felt like). Sometimes I'd mimic, sometimes I'd model, sometimes I'd just tickle & giggle (it's impossible to whine while laughing).

These day's I can pretty much just say "whining" and he starts over. Every once in a while, the whine is indicative of an impending temper tantrum...and instead of whining it turns into a whole "affair". Which then in turn gets dealt with. It takes a lot of time, but I'm not willing to get emotionally involved in an argument with a child. Nope, sorry kiddo. Problem One = You were whining. Problem Two = You threw a fit. But neither of those warrant me getting upset, and the soooo both get dealt with. <laughing> If I DO start getting upset, he gets banished to his room while *I* go on timeout.

Now...my husband gets upset with our son...and they actually argue with each other, and it escalates into a full on shouting match and doors slamming. (Ummm...isn't arguing with a child a bit like getting emotionally invested in an argument with a piece of furniture??? I mean we ALL do it from time to time, but WE'RE the ones who end up looking silly in the end). To be fair to my husband, he's not only working on it, but he's never laid an angry hand/fist/boot/lamp on our son...so he's already doing better than HIS parents.

While the "I can't hear you/understand you" works really well with toddlers, by 6 they know you're lieing. Which usually (at least in my experience) they either find funny or it ticks them off. Neither of which really gets you anywhere. I'd try a bit more of an intellectual approach at this age:

- having them stop and redo each and every time (hehehe, obviously I'm biased here, because that's what *WE* do...but what works for some doesn't work for others...so it's just an idea)

(possibly a marble jar or something to keep track...you know one marble for the redo, two marbles if they catch themselves...filling up the jar equals "X" treat...we did that with temper tantrums, hot tempers gallop through both of our families, and bred true in our son)

- Whining Mission: Trying to spot/listen for OTHER people whining (cartoons are soooo notorious for whining kids...come to think of it the only one *I* never noticed any whining in was Avatar...even the Magic SchoolBus has whining...allbeit less than most. Some shows the characters whining is their "natural" speaking voice ).

Big Hugs to You, btw. It's sooooo easy to give in, and I know tons of parents who do just that. I pick my battles pretty carefully, and I intend to "win" ;) aka teach through, those battles I do chose. But OY. Sometimes it's soooo tempting to make the moment better/easier...even though I know it's the right thing in the long run.

I wouldn't stress about her teacher. Use he/himr for ideas, certainly, and to let them know about whatever methods you use at home that work...but don't stress about them. As someone who does both, trust me, the teaching is easy. It's the parenting that's hard.

:)
Good Luck!

Hello, I would continue to tell her that you can't understand what she is saying when she whines. Then, I would walk away and refuse to engage in her behavior. If it leads to a tantrum, make her go into time out in another room where you don't have to hear her so loud. Keep it up and it just might go away.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

ya my daughter saME thing try some one one time with play some board games with them i work alot aswhile i have a15 yr old and 6 yr old and one on its way im 3mths far along and i all ready feel the stress but we need to find things that work best with them u need to see wht interest they have and go from there well at least u have ur husbands support.. im a single parent tried to start over and it back fired nice right ... so its not that bad on your side good luck

veronika

I don't know if this will work, but secretly make a tape recording of her whining. Get several really good examples. Then play it back to her when she starts whining again. Every time she whines, she gets her own whining right back at her. Then ask her how she likes it? Sometimes kids and adults don't realize how they sound until it is played back for them. That's how I learned I was saying "you, know?" all the time and I didn't even realize it until it was caught on tape at a party. I sounded like an idiot.

The other approach is the one I took with my dog. Whenever he started to bark for reasons that were not appropriate, he got sprayed with a squirt from a water bottle. It doesn't hurt, but it does startle. Some people may not approve of using this on kids, but it's non toxic, biodegradable, and it is a surprise the first time. She may be too old for this to be effective. Works best with toddlers. There is a lot in common with training dogs and kids. You might read up on some books on behavior modification.

Lastly, you must NEVER EVER give in to whiners. Once they have your number you are sunk. Whining is painful to listen to, which is I why I suggested you play it back to her. Make an hour long loop of her whining and when she goes into time out, she has to listen to HERSELF whine for an hour. She might get the message. Worth a try.

Good luck.

After reading the other replys, I have to wonder if I did what is right in getting my daughter not to whine. It worked in less than a week and hasn't returned.

What I did was every time she whined I gave her a swat. No warnings, no anger, just a quick little swat (2 fingers in the rear end). I then told her whining was not acceptable and gave her some cuddle time. 7 days max and it was over, but I started this right when it started.

Also on the emotional thing, I am a big preponant of the "you can choose how you feel and react" idea.

Someone cuts you off while driving you can get mad and thing of them as rude or have patience and can choose to believe that the person that cut you off was driving to the hospital because they just found out grandma was dieing (or something like that). You can choose to be a victim when something doesn't go your way or choose to be proactive and just take care of what is in your control. (like when hubby has to stay at work overnight because something big came up: you can get all huffy, or you can decide it would be nice to call some take out place and have a meal delivered to him... or better yet drive a bunch of homemade sandwiches to work so he has something to eat.) you choose the way you react and your child has chosen to feel and react this way.