2.5 Year Old and Newborn

This takes understanding the child from their perspective. Mommy hugs me and loves me and has time for me! Oh...what is this THING?? Mommy is tired and doesn't have time for me since that THING came! What IS it anyway? Poke, poke, squish. Ah, mommy is coming! YAY! We get attention! Oh, she's mad and it's that THING'S fault!
A two year old is totally egocentric, they CAN'T see outside their own needs. She is trying to figure out where she fits in her relationship with you right now in regards to the new baby. What do you think the 10 time outs tell her? I know you are tired, my first two children were 22 months apart and I used to think I would go insane I was so tired all the time! But you have to be willing to take time to cuddle your two year old, make her a part of taking care of the baby. Have her bring you a diaper, hand you a wash clothe while bathing, have her "help" you read to the baby. Make her a part of being "big sister". If you have to separate them and put the new baby in your own room for a few months then do it. And no, I would not leave them alone until she acts differently. She doesn't understand yet that she can hurt the baby so it is up to you to GENTLY keep them both safe.
Love on her, that's what she really needs right now.

2 moms found this helpful

Hello A., I also experienced similar incidents with me 2 y old and newborn (now 5 months). I found myself torn between my 2 babies. My toddler was constantly hugging, poking eyes, a few time biting fingers, and on one occasion I came back in the room and found that she had picked him uo and placed him on the floor. My OB gave me a couple of great tips that really helped and eased my mind. One they are 2 its there job to test boundries. They are still learning them. I also found it helpful to invite my 2 yearold with a book to help nurse/feed her brother. This helped with all the naughty stuff that she did while I was nursing. Smetimes she didn't want to help and she was content on her own. But I always offered. Another thing was that my doctor reminded me that the baby didn' t really know that he was not suppose to be poked in the eye. She suggested to tell the toddler it was not nice but to not make a big sceen about it (that's what they want_ reaction)The last tidbit was great! My todler was not always the one ggetting in trouble, Sometimes the baby would get in trouble too. For example if my toddler was eating breskfast and the baby started to cry I would ask the baby if he could not cry so loud because he was disturbing his sisters breakfast or movie. I would also do this in public. If we were at the grocery store and he started to cry I would ask him to quiet down and be a good boy like his sister. I hope this helps. Things havegotten much better. They are still 2 year olds and they will do silly things!

I am in a similar situation with a 2.5 and 4 month old. Same reaction from the older one (a boy). We were doing an insane amount of time outs that didn't seem to be working so we implemented instead a "positive behavior chart." On the chart were 5 behaviors we wished to see our son do every day. Such as: be kind and gentle with your sister, say please and thank you (nice words), wash your hands before eating, carry own clothes to the hamper, and take your shoes off inside. For every behavior he does during the day (with some reminders of course, he is only 2!) he receives a star sticker. If he gets all 5 stars in a day he gets a "special" sticker (fun puffy ones, or glittery ones that he chose from Michaels Art supply). For every "special" sticker (at the end of the week) he can earn prizes. For example, 1 special sticker is a piggy back ride before bath. 2 is a disco night. 3 he can choose a prize from a prize bag (all things from the dollar store). 4 is a night out with daddy only (they went to baskin robbins). 5 is a night out with mommy (I took him to the park). 6 is a trip to the toy store ($10 max!). And 7 out of 7 is a whole day of fun of his choosing (zoo, etc.). So far it's really been working!!

Good luck to you and I hope it gets easier!!!

Hi! your little girl is understandably jealous and punishing her is the opposite approach.
Try giving her extra attention instead of less and include her in the caring of the baby.
Let her get diapers for the baby and be helpful. Make sure to give extra affection and tell her what a good sister she is. She's afraid the baby is replacing her because you are not
solely focused on her. It's natural and not something she should be punished for. She's too young to be left alone with the baby and doesn't know how to behave. Let her hold the baby for short times and generally include her. It helped me with the same behavior. Hope it helps.

I feel for you! My son was the same age when my daughter was born and we went throught the same thing. she's a year old now and he still can take his "hugs" too far. (or he intentionally sits on her to get my attention.) we started having "special time", just 5 to 15 minutes a day, where I was just with him and played whatever he wanted. it was even more special if his sister was right there yet I still focused on him. good luck to you

Mine are 3, 23 mos., and 10 weeks. At first, the newborn could not be NEAR the toddlers. It was horrible; locking myself in the bathroom to nurse. After 10 weeks, the baby is not as "new" to them. It's better every day. A toddler cannot understand very well how to be gentle. Keep reminding her. Mine would even HIT the baby. Better each day, I swear...but I never leave the baby alone with them. We have the swing/bouncy seat fenced off! Once the baby can crawl/walk, I am sure it'll be even better. He is so fragile right now.

I am also 35 and I have a second one on the way that will roughly be the same number of years apart as your girls! Right now, the two year old is in school all day. If your older daughter is not in school yet and you have the means to put her in school, I would definitely recommend that. As well, I would recommend a "special" time of day that you dedicate to only your older daughter so that she is reminded daily that she is still special. Her aggression may be stemming from that! Please keep in mind that these are the recommendations from a mom that is not yet living the experience! LOL

My younger sister had a similar situation (her daughters are 13 months apart). She asserts that this behavior only lasts about 6 months before the older gets used to the younger.

Good luck!

Hello A.,
I read some of the responses and I have to say, I didn't have any of these issues with my 2.5yr old son when his little brother was born. In fact, I had the op problem. My newborn had acid reflux and my husband travels every week (almost missed the bith - born at 35 weeks) I do it all by myself since im home alone with them the majority of the time. Plus I was potty training my older son and he was starting a new school. I was living on 4hrs of sleep a night. My baby was in so much pain at night he would yell so loud it would wake up my older son. So I would have 2 kids up at 3am. Fun stuff. What my husband and I did from the day we found out I was pregnant was tell our son, all about his new baby brother and we included him in all of it. Ok not everything. But he was there the next day in the hospital holding the baby. In fact we asked him what he wanted to name his baby brother. He told me Nemo. Didn't happen but my point is, yuou need to included your daughter in all of it. Your daughter is part of your family and she needs to have a role in it. Make her feel important. She is acting out because she wants the attention. Try not to frustrate yourself. Believe me ,I was out of my mind 80% of the time till my baby outgrew the acid reflux at 10 months. Huge nightmare. I made my older son feel like he was my big helper. Little things. Like when the baby was upset in the car, I told my son to please sing his baby brother a song. He did and it clamed them both down. One day I was trying to cahnge the baby in the car and my older son was yelling that he wanted to get out of the car. I hid my car keys in the back seat and told him, oh no Mommy lost her keys. Can you please help me find them. he did and felt like such a big boy. I made a big deal out of it. Plus it helped me get the baby changed. I tell him to please get the baby's blanket because he is cold. Can you be mommys big helper. When he brings it to me, I hug him and tell him how much i love him for heling me. It goes a long way. He loves his little brother so much. When my baby was 4 months old (crawling already) my older son climbed into his crib to lay with him one morning because he was crying. Don't get upset, Just try to work around the behaviors. The bigger issue you make of her acting out the bigger the problem will be as they get older. My second son was walking at 7 months so I was ripping my hair out. My boys are 2.5 yrs apart. Now 3yrs old will be 4 next month and my second son is 15 months. My older son adores his baby brother and is very protective of him when we are out. I also make special time for my older son. There are things he wants to do that he can't with the baby up. Crafts etc. SO I make a big deal out of us doing those things when his brother takes a nap. So when his brother is sleeping we get to do the art projects and detail stuff that babies can't do. Now my older son will say, Mom put Logan to bed, I want to paint. So funny. Don't make it a battle with your daughter or punish her. Just explain that we can't touch the baby this way or that way and tell her why. Show her and tell her why. Belive me she is old enough and will get it. My son did at 2.5yrs old when his little brother was born. They are mostly curious and your tired and don't want to deal with it. I know. i was there. There were a few days I totally fell apart and cried for hours. no one tells you the ugly truth about going from one -[two children. Whoa!!!!! Its been a ride and now the boys play together and have fun. Hang in there. Good luck.

SAHM, 40yrs old with 2 wild and funny little boys. They truly take my breath away. It goes by so fast.

Hi Abbyy,
I am still expecting my second so my advice is hypothetical...my first thought is to get the little toddler outside for some special nature walks, maybe walk somewhere to visit animals or plan some other types of special toddler activites for her each day - especially the kind that are physically active and in the fresh air - this way, she'll expend her energy, get some special attn and hopefully be a little worn out when you get back to the house. And when she is rough with the baby, consistently tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and keep putting her in those time outs.
Best wishes

Sounds like your older daughter is not only unaware of her own strength and that her little sister is a more fragile person than herself, but also resents your departure at work.

Two and an half is the age where people start testing limits and their own power or lack thereof. She will outgrow this

Meanwhile to make sure her baby sister survives there are things adults can do to help her through this in addition to giving her more special time to reassure her that she has not been displaced.

Show and demonstrate how to "be gentle" in how she touches the baby and where. Do not let her be alone for a moment with the baby until this phase is passed and she really understands how to treat this new person who will be around for a long time and may even become her best friend in the world. The baby will look up to her and want to be loved and played with ...later on.

If she has a baby doll she can try out how to hold and carry and gently move the doll. But you can let her under your close supervision, hold and rock and gently stroke the baby's head and back and arms and legs. best to avoid touching hands and face especially if the baby puts her hands in her mouth. But washing her hands and being careful she can start letting the baby hold her fingers and delight in that feeling of a tiny person holding her and wanting to be her friend.

Part of this behavior is her bewilderment of all the changes the new baby has brought and especially your return to work, but part is her eagerness to be involved with this whole fascinating process and to emulate what others are doing with "her new sister".
Congratulations on your wonderful family and enjoy having two beautiful girls and you will soon have a good helper who wants to be involved and appreciated for helping with the new baby secure in the knowledge that she is loved just as much and maybe even more with each passing stage and age.

Blessings...N.

Hi A., I went through something very similar with my two kids, I know how frustrating it can be. Maybe give your oldest a "special" job to do for the baby (carrying the diaper bag, etc.), or a reward chart when she leaves the baby alone or acts in a nice big sister way. Good luck, if anything else they will grow out of it.
-R.

Dear A.,

You have a lot on your mind - back to work, new born, and a toddler. No wonder you are stressed and frustrated. How do you take care of yourself? What kind of support do you have?

In your situation, it is not realistic to expect a toddler to be alone with a newborn. The toddler cannot be left alone without a toddler! In addition: the toddler cannot be expected to be happy about the new competition on parents' time and attention. As a matter of fact, jealousy and anger is more appropriate. That can explain her behavior, and why just punishment is not working. We need to teach siblings the limits of the attention they get from us, and how the "share" the parents. And this takes time.

In the mean time, find ways to get yourself nurtured, so you can give special loving one-on-one time with the toddler. This will be like a credit you build for asking her to "give back" when you can not give her exclusive attention, like she was used to get up to now.

Relax, and than you can enjoy rour family!

D. Orr
daliacoachesparents.com

Hi A.,
Have you read 'Siblings Without Rivalry' by A. Faber? It's an excellent easy read for almost all situations sibling related. I can summarize pretty quickly though:
All feelings are legitimate and telling a child they don't feel the way they will only frustrate them. So, although you didn't mention it, I would wonder if you ever say to your daughter, 'Don't hurt the baby-- you know you love her!' which, if she's not feeling loving, is likely to frustrate her. You might try, 'I understand you get mad at the baby-- I get mad at her sometimes, too. Could you come talk to me next time you want to hit your sister? I'd really like to know what you're feeling.' That would give her a more acceptable outlet for her frustrations.

Helo A.: I can see rom your remarks that you are frustrated.
I am the mother of 5, and will just give you a few things to think about.
Your 2 1/2 year old is only doing what is normal for a child that age. This child does not realize that it is harming a smaller child. In fact it is treating it as a doll or a stuffed animal that it loves and adores. Don't have unrealistic expectations of this child or you may have even more trouble. Your little one didn't suddenly grow up and become mature, just because you had another baby. You might get a real size neborn baby doll and give her a baby to take care of , so she can do what she sees you doing.
You say that you are going back to work part time. I know from personal experiance, and from seeing my daughter in laws try doing this, You have just added that stress to the pile. Children can care less about what your boss expects from you, and they should not have to. What they do expect is that mom will be there to meet their needs and commitments to them.
That is a lesson that I had to learn-- that the children were going to be with me forever but my boss would not. Learning that balance is not easy. You do not mention a father, who can help. So you might try and reach out to other family members or a nanny to help with the children. I hired a teen to come in after school and just play with my little ones every afternoon, so I could get work done from home.
You are blessed that the 2 1/2 year old is not resentful about the baby. She has been the center of the world for 2 1/2 years and now that world and its rules have changed and that takes time and patience to accept. I have a couple of 2 1/2 year old grandchildren and I know how much energy and time that they need, if that need is not met or they feel like they are being pushed aside for any reason there is a real sence of injustice, fear, and fright that comes to them.
Parenthood is a wild ride with more twists and turns than any theme park ride. These children are very special and are our worlds future. Nana G

I agree with what the other moms said. As tired as you are somehow you have to find ways to make her feel special and important.

Also, the fact the you just went back to work part-time might be contributing to the behavior too. She may have become used to your being home all the time on maternity leave and now with another change it could be making things worse.

Hang in there, I am sure with time it will get easier.

This is natural, the 2 year old is just feeling displaced and needs some special reassurance. My kids are 25 months apart, so I know what you are going through. She just needs to feel special and reassured of her place in the family. Time outs don't work for children of this age. They don't understand and it's not always developmentally appropriate. The best thing you can do is to put her in situations where she can ONLY be successful and praise with positive reinforcement. Don't leave her alone with the baby as this is too much responsibility for her. It will get better as your family adjusts, but have your husband or other family members help her to feel like she's still number one, and when you are able, like maybe when the baby is napping, play a special game or something that only "BIG" kids can do. Remember you are ALL going through an adjustment, so try not to be too hard on yourself.

congratulations on your new baby! This is not unheard of with your 2 1/2 year old, very common. My 4 yr old went through a time like this last year when I had my 2nd baby. She's just feeling pushed out. Find things she can do to help. Getting a diaper, holding a toy up for the baby, help practicing putting on socks, Anything that makes her feel like she a a helping big sister. Don't forget to praise her every time she helps or is doing something the "right" way. She wants to know she is still the star of the show. Last, find some time where you can go do some thing with her with out the baby. Make a big deal out of the fact that the baby can't come or do this, telling her it just the two of you. Also there are some great books on Amazon - the new bay, I'm the big sister. type those in and other recommendations will pop up.

It's totally normal our doctor even said to just assume siblings undress five are homicidal. You just can't leave them alone til the baby is more sturdy. It gets better soon just remember your older one has just gone through a major transition also.

You maybe already have all the answers you need and I didn't read all of them, but I read several and none of them said what I would have, so I'm adding my two bits.
A good friend of mine passed on some info on this very topic when I was pregnant with my 2nd and it's worked well for me.
Rather than making the baby off limits, listen to her when her sister is near by and don't stop her from "loving on" or playing with her unless she is upset with what is happening. OF course you will have rules, like "no poking her eyes" and no hitting but if the baby doesn't mind her squishing her, let it happen. That's not to say you would ever leave them alone, but follow the baby's lead, she'll let you know what she will tollerate or if she's in the mood or not.
My dd now 25 months and my son 5 months, LOVE each other and I'm sure it's because I let them have access to each other so there's no resentment. I give big sister a sence of usefulness by giving her things to do to help too. But I would say 98% of the time she isn't doing anything to hurt her brother on purpose. The other 2% of the time she's not allowed near her brother.
Best wishes!

hey A.,

you got lots of great responses. I feel for you. My son was 2.5 yrs when my daughter was born 7 months ago (i.e. still going thru it).

Here are some ideas that helped us...

don't leave them alone together so the baby doesn't get hurt.

MAKE alone time with the toddler -- shoot for 30 mins a day -- maybe during baby naps. Focus on the toddler during that time.

have the toddler do things to help with the baby like fetching diapers, patting her while you hold the baby to burp, etc. Praise her like crazy when she helps out. Praise her for any nice/good/helpful thing she does to build up happy feelings against what anger might be there for what i suspect she often hears "DON'T...the baby!!" I got really fed up with my son and i had to try hard to be positive with him instead of reprimand him constantly. i've read it takes like 5 compliments to negate an insult for adults.

tell her the baby is her baby and you need help taking care of it. of course it's your baby and she has to do what you say, but over time comments like "we don't want to hurt your baby, do we? Let's be gentle" will take effect. it seemed like when i gave my son some ownership of his sister, he was more careful with her and became protective of her.

Do things with the two of of them. For example, you can't not feed the baby. So have the toddler help you bottlefeed or have her sit with you and cuddle while you breastfeed. Include your toddler in the activities you have to do with the baby. Right now the baby won't notice, but the toddler will remember feeling left out or resentful of your love and attention to the baby.

Tell the toddler how lucky she is to be a big girl. for example, her poor baby can only have milk and that's boring. The lucky big kid can eat (name her fave foods). My son didn't care at first. But as months have passed and i'm strict on the DO NOT FEED YOUR BABY SISTER BECAUSE SHE HAS NO TEETH AND WILL CHOKE he realizes it is true. Now he talks about how how he's big and can have whatever he wants while sister is just a baby and can ONLY have milk. it makes him feel special.

get the toddler involved in play with the baby as much as you can -- be creative :-) Now that my baby is more active i lift her up and down while my son jumps on the bed. it's like they are bouncing together and they both laugh uproariously together. My partner holds the baby and carefully chases our son around the house with her so it's like they are playing tag. Again both kids screech with laughter. My son warms up to his sister much more when they play together.

This is still hard for me to master... I've read that you shouldn't say DON'T to your toddler all the time. Instead of, "Don't poke the baby!" say, "That hurts the baby. Let's think of a way to play nicely with the baby."

Teach your child how you want her to respond to the baby. I've learned in these exhausting, frazzling recent months that they follow your lead. If you get angry and yell when your toddler and/or baby cry, the toddler will start yelling at the baby when it cries. If you hold the rage inside, take a deep breath, find a wellspring of compassion inside, and respond patiently and gently to both children, your toddler will respond to the baby the way you do. My son coos, "It's OK, it's OK" to his sister as she wails -- my mantra to keep insanity at bay.
Similarly, now that the baby can crawl and steal her brother's toys, I've shown him to go find a toy he can part with and give it to the baby to play with so she'll leave his stuff alone. The spine chilling, window rattling, enraged shrieks of, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That's MIIIIIIIIINE have decreased a full 75%.

It's OK to tell the toddler how you feel. i was surprised at how well my son responded when i felt upset and said, "I really don't like it when sister cries and i don't know how to help her. It makes me feel mad."

in my opinion, timeouts have limited worth at this early age. when my son has committed a capital offence like injury or destruction i say in my calmest, biggest most serious mommy voice with the narrowed down eyes, "YOU ARE GOING INTO TIMEOUT FOR TWO MINUTES." That's when he knows he's in serious trouble and timeout is more for me to regain my composure than for him to 'think about what he's done.' after 2 mins i explain why he was in time out and why what he did was unacceptable. then i hug him, kiss him, have him say sorry, and we go about our day.

be aware that it goes back and forth. Sometimes my son is a stellar example of everything a big brother should be. Other times he's a little monster to his sister and he drives me crazy because he was just being so good to her just last week. When things shift, I look to myself and try to find a cause (e.g., spending less time with him makes him act out more).

Finally, I think things like timeouts and taking toys away are punishments and in this situation that's of limited use. Your toddler shouldn't be punished for resenting a new baby. She needs to be encouraged to take part in the new baby's life and to be reassured that she's loved as much as ever and that the baby is just an addition to all the love in the family.

Sorry this is so long. It's all I've got :-) I'm still learning and I truly hope you can find one or two things that will help you out.

Best wishes and good luck!

A.,
Maybe try getting the toddler involved in helping with caring for baby. Let her help bathe,and feed. Let her hold and love and talk about how she was just like her sister just a short time ago. Let toddler pick out what sister will wear for the day.
This is normal behavior with new babies coming home.
There also seems to be a lot of changes in the house, new baby, you have gone back to work. Who cares for toddler and baby while you are gone. Make sure they know about including toddler in baby care. But also stress that if she doesn't want to then she doesn't have to.
Toddler will get used to baby soon and not care what happens. Then you have the teen age years to think about. LOL.
P.,
Pre-school teacher(30 years) ages 6 weeks to 2 1/2 years. Wife to the most wonderful man in the world. Mom to 2 grown kids and (step)mom to 3 grown kids. Mother-in-law to wonderful daughter-in-law and (step) Mother-in-law to wonderful son-in-law and new (step) Grandma to a baby boy (b- 10/01/09)

Hi A.... no doubt your toddler feels she is playing second fiddle now to her new little sister. A couple of suggestions I have is to have her help you do little helpful things associated with the baby to make her feel important. Another is to buy her if she already doesn't have one, is her own realistic baby doll that she can care for, so she feels like a mommy, too.Hope these suggestions help. Sincerely, CJ

I do feel for you because my sons are 20 months apart and my toddler would not leave my newborn alone. It will get better, the newness of baby will wear off although the toddler will never totally leave baby alone, the constant bugging does go away. Try a new video or crayons or a new activity for the toddler that you only do with her. Keep up with the time out if after some one on one time the unwanted behavior persists. It does get better, and be glad she is interested in baby, they will be good friends soon enough. I also like the bouncy chair I can put on the table so baby has a safe space and can be moved from room to room

Im in the same boat! I found that giving my two year old more play time with others his age helps a little, it lets him be ruff and get it out so he's gentler with his sister :) I live in Sunnyvale if you want to get together one weekend for a play date to let the big ones get some energy out

Kryssi

Hi A.,

I don't have 2 kids but I do have a 2.5 year old son. My brother just had a new baby so I do have some experience with toddlers and newborns. My son LOVES the new baby. And he is so curious about her. He wants to help and hold her but of course doesn't quite know how. Also, I think some of the poking and even hitting is normal (although frustrating) toddler behavior. I think you just need to be consistent, pick your time outs carefully (don't overdo them) and stick it out. Easier said than done I know. It is hard enough for me to deal with the toddler behaviors without a new baby but just wanted to say I don't think your daughter is acting out of the norm.

I read most of the other responses, and I have to say that I worry about this very issue with my son, who will be 3 2 weeks before Baby Sister is due. With all this info in mind, I've been realistic from the time we decided to try for #2: our son is going to go through the phases, and we just have to understand and try to be patient. Phase 1: the honeymoon phase where older sibling loves the baby, etc. When the child realizes that baby is there to stay, they move to Phase 2: regression. They want to be just like baby; breastfeed/bottle, diapers, etc. Then, finally, Phase 3: aggression, which is what your daughter sounds like she's in.

Not being in the situation myself quite yet, I'm hoping to be able to remember that he's going to go through these phases, maybe quickly, maybe skip one. My greatest hope is that I'll be able to have my fondest wish: alone time with my son for at least 30 minutes each day to express my love, read a book, go for a walk, have a snuggle, etc. I feel this time with my son, away from the new baby, will be so valuable to our relationship! I'm also not deluding myself into thinking that his fascination with babies now will translate into the "perfect" big brother. Your daughter's behavior sounds perfectly normal! I have a wonderful reading that I'd be more than happy to scan and email to you. If you're interested, you can send me a message off-list with your email :)