I have a 12 year old daughter who has recently been introduced to grief in the form of losing a very special person in her life. A very special Uncle has passed away and she is just devestated. She has been crying for days, and is emotional even when there is nothing going on in her life to make her that way. She is a very sensitive child to start with and this has heightened her awareness of everything around her.
Any one ever deal with this? I am grieving my self and have been doing the best I can to keep it together and stay strong for her.
Thank you all for your replies. I have considered the counceling aspect and will follow up with it. She attended the graveside service today with us, and did very well. She actually comforted me as I read a passage from my devotional bible and some scripture which was difficult.
This man was a very big part of our lives and will be missed terribly by all of us. My husband is having a hard time as well, and sometimes I do feel like I am supporting them both. I know I have have let it out when it is on the surface, and I do. I have grieved many times, and also lost two children (one live birth, and one miscarriage) and know well the trials that are ahead of us. I lost my Mother when I was 10, and know what it means to be "stared at" upon returning to school. I only hope that the kids in her school have more compassion than my friends did.
Thanks again, your suggestions were all great!
Don't try to stay strong for her. Grieve together. If you let her see you grieve she will know that it is ok and normal. If you try to "be strong" she will think that is what she will have to do too. She doesn't have enough life experiences to draw from to make her strong so she would have to deal with it another way, like stuffing her feelings or over-compensating in something else. Honesty is the best policy!
im so sorry for your families loss! i agree with the others on grieving with her or if she chooses to be alone, make sure she isn't isolating herself from everyone that wouldn't be good either.
in june we lost my uncle due to a motorcylce accident. he was both my and my 11 yr old son's favorite. we both took it very hard. what helped my son was that my aunt gave each one of the boys one his harely motorcycle figurines from my uncles collection. they have the bikes on a shelf to remind them on him. also my son and i sat down and went threw pictures and found all of the ones with keith and my son together in them and ones of just keith and we got copies of them and made a colloge of all the different pictures and he has it hanging in his room. i think doing this together was a big help for both us. as looking threw the pictures of everyone we would be like remember this, when we did this and there was alot of laughing and crying remembering the times and what was going on in the pictures. he also has a journal that he writes to his uncle in. he tells his uncle everything from good days to bad days to little things about school. it has really helped him. we also put some of the flowers we got from the funeral and made a little memorial by the house with some stepping stones and things like that and that is where my son goes to "visit" him since we live 6 hours from the gravesite.
just remember that this doesn't just get better one day.(as you already know) my two younger ones still will start crying and miss grandma (great grandma) and want to go see her. she passed away two years ago.
my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family in this time of need. i wish you all the best.
No doubt many of the other responses have been incredibly helpful; I apologize for not reading all of them and possibly repeating an answer already given.
At the age of 12 it may be that your daughter is, for the first time, understanding death and never seeing that person on earth again. She might be feeling the grief of her uncle and transferring it to the potential of losing her parents. If she is coming to realize that you could leave her just as her uncle did, it could be adding a lot to her grief and fear. You may want to talk to her about it. I'm not suggesting that you say anything about you dying someday but how about something like, "Its so sad that your uncle is gone. I'm so lucky to be able to be here with you everyday and watch you grow up..." Something to assure her that you plan to be there for her.
Also, our kids have taken great comfort in talking about heaven and the assurance we have in seeing others again. They talk about their 2 siblings (lost thru miscarriage) and grandpa waiting in heaven for us. We talk about how much fun they are having there with Jesus and how we'll continue to enjoy earth until its our time to get to go to heaven. :)
Hi L.,
I am very sorry for the loss you and your family are experiencing. I lost both of my parents by the time I was 9 years old. What helped the most was a support group that was offered at our local hospice. They offer grief support groups for both adults and children. It was so comforting to be able to talk to other children who understood. If you are able to, call a hospice in your area to see if they offer grief support. Also, if you are comfortable doing this, I suggest you cry with her. Tell her you miss him too and that it's ok for both of you to miss him. After my mother died everyone around me was trying to stay strong so they hid their emotions. As a result I developed the habbit of only crying at night when I was alone in bed. To this day I still hold things in and cry in a room alone. I won't even let my husband see me cry if I can help it. It's something I'm working on. So grieve together so that she knows it's ok to be sad no matter what age you are. I loved Patty's idea to plant something in the backyard in his memory. This will give your daughter a place to go that's close by when she wants to feel closer to him.
I hope you and your family can find peace and support during this difficult time. You are in my thoughts.
L., I am very sorry for your loss. I would recommend scheduling an appointment to go see someone - both for yourself and your daughter. Grief is not easy - particularly in that sensitive adolescent period -
I congratulate you on trying to keep it together for your daughter, but it's ok for her to see you move through a grieving process, as well. Most important, she needs to have as much support to move through this experience in a positive way that she can get.
There are many support groups out there, and your daughter may also benefit from one of these. Unfortunately, the only one that I know of offhand is called "Compassionate Friends" and it is for individuals who have lost a child. However, call them and they may be able to direct you to other resources that you can use.
I hope you and your family are able to find peace -
I am very sorry for your loss. My father died when I was 12 & we were very close. I was devastated. What made it worse was that I had no one to talk to that had ever experienced that. I remember going back to school & all the kids just stared at me. It made me feel so alone. I wish the teachers had done more to explain to my classmates what I was going through & that what I needed was love & support. I think it would have benefitted me a lot if I had a support group to go to where I could talk to other kids in my age group who had also experienced the loss of a loved one. That might be worth a try for your daughter. The best thing YOU can do is just let her know she is loved. Let her see you cry. I remember my mother being a rock. In one way, I learned strength from that, but I also think I learned to suck in my feelings too much. It is not good to let it bottle up inside. Talk to her about the grieving process & that it helps to go through it, even though it is very difficult.
My best to you & your family during this difficult time.
I am sorry for your family's loss. It is hard to loose those that you love. I come from a big family and have seen a lot of passing in my time.
Maybe you could take her to a local nursery and let her pick out a tree, talk about what her uncle liked and what he would have chosen himself. Then let her plant it in a special place that she can go to it when ever she is missing him. Her own special place that she can talk to him or just remember the times they had together. Maybe taking care of the tree could be in some way, like taking care of him.
A couple of years ago my nephew passed, his cub scout troop planted a tree at the little leauge field where he played and now his younger brother plays at that field and it is comforting to him to have his brother's tree there.
I know nothing is ever going to take the hurt completely away, but hopefully this will help in some little way.
Kimberly
I agree with the previous posters. Grieve together and find a place that can help you to work through the greif. Some churches have loss support groups as well as various other areas. You could talk to her counselor at school and see if they know aobut any grief support groups or greif counsulors you can see.
Sooo sorry for your loss. I'd set some time aside for the 2 of you to talk, and when she cries, be there for her to hug. I'd also share your feelings with her so that she knows that grief and sorrow are ok and crying is a way to be mornful because we miss him. Cry together if you feel like it, it's good for her to see that you are also grieving. I'd make a visit to the gravesite if there is one and bring some flowers or a plant. (or something that she can leave for him...maybe something that they liked doing. Something that she knows he likes. Maybe a picture of her, or something like that) Something that makes her touch more personal to him. That helps. Maybe plant a tree/bush in your yard in his memory...something she can take care of by watering and trimming. This is one way for his spirit to carry on in her and her memory of him.
