What to Expect? Do I Include Them?

Dear B.,

I am sorry to hear what your family is going through. From experience, I know it is so hard to see someone slipping away from cancer. As much as you want to prepare your children for what is to come, I do believe that the focus is on the present. Your uncle is still here, let your children know that if there is anything they want to say or do for him, now is the time. Children do have the power to help others, and that feeling is strong in many of them. This act teaches them not to have regrets. If they say and see what they want to to their uncle, when he does pass on, they may see the experience in the whole, and may not have the neeed to go to the funeral. Take the lead from your children. If seeing other people grieve would be too much for one of them, don't include them in that part of the funeral. I found the biggest fear in your daughter's age group when someone dies, is if mommy and daddy are going to go away from me also. Let her know that both of you are healthy and are taking care of each other and them and will be for a very, very long time. Whichever way you go you will be right. There actually are several books on children and grieving, many of them religious based, so depending on your faith, start a search there. I hope for peace for your family during this time.

My father just passed away recently. My daughters (ages 11 & 10) were involved in the funeral, but not the visitation. Allow them to go a little early to see your uncle and say good-bye to him. They need closure just as much as we do. They both will have a different way of processing the death ~ there is a wonderful book called 'What is Heaven'. A good book for you is '90 minutes in heaven.' Being from a religious family also, it just helped them and me understand death a little more. Let them ask questions also. You'd be amazed at what they come up with. Also allow them to journal their thoughts. My youngest daughter has started that. It's a way for her to process her thoughts. She writes why she is sad and also fun things she remembers about him. My list could go on and on. I guess the best thing is to let them figure out how they want to deal with it.They will. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this time.
P. D

I took my son to his first funeral at age 3. He was also there to experience the death of our very beloved dog, and our cat. He's since been to a few other funeral, although none of the people were ones he was extremely close to. I do it as a way to prepare him for when his Grandma and Granny pass. Especially his Granny ( my husband's mom). He is extremely close to her. I just want him to know that death is an experience and nothing to be afraid of. He knows what happens after death as we've had many conversations about it. If your daughter is too emotional, it may be too soon for her to experience it. I would definetely take your son though. Anyone who barks at you for it, just doesn't understand that you are doing what you feel is best for your child. Hope it works out and my sympathies to you and your family!

I agree with several of the others to keep your kids involved and don't exclude them. If they know he is going to heaven, then it is not as difficult for them because they have the "faith of a child" Christ talks about. As adults we over think everything. They may say "You know where people really go after they die?..To the funeral home". To my kids it was confusing why theh body was here and the spirit was not. They wanted to touch the body in the casket and we let them, so they understood that the body and spirit are separate. Then when it comes up in church, they "get" it. This is a big part of growing up.

Hi,

INCLUDE THEM AS MUCH AS THEY SELF WANT TO BE INCLUDED:

I have an experience that may help your decision and one to show how much they notice w/o us expecting it.

1st, our daughter was 4 when her great grandma died, NOT a close relative, barely knew her but was insulted that we chose to have her babysat while we were at the funeral with her big brother, She is alomst 10 now and still remembers being "left out"

Our son had a close friend who missed her dad at the age of 4 and 2 CLOSE relatives at the age of 5. He was with us to the funerals as support to Charlotte - his close friend. Charlottes mom got mariend again when Mark was 6 and he looked at the church flag and asked in all innocence "why isn't it on ½ mast?? It always is when Charlotte and I are in church."

We were never aware that he had noticed the flag, we were so concerned that he wasn't scared or anything, so our attention was on explaining things.

Our prayers go out to your family,

J. - mom to Mark 16, and Vanessa 9½, full time empolyed and living overseas.

I feel if your children know about the circle of life, then it may help for them to have the closure as well. It could be tough, but they will find their own way to work it out (friends that also have experienced it) and if you are open with them, it will help all involved.

Very, very sorry for your loss!

Contact your local Hospice agency. They have great materials for children and advice. Most also have greif counceling for families of hospice patients and community grief counceling. It is a little known service that hospice provides. Do not forget your church may also offer materials and some help. I am sorry for your upcomming loss.

B.-

I am sorry that you are going to have to go through such a hard time. I don't know of any books or websites that I can offer for help, but without a doubt, bringing your children to the funeral is a very good idea. They need to say 'good-bye' just as we adults do. My 3 year old watched us bury his great-grandmothers within 2 months of each other less than 6 months ago. At the time, I explained to him that they were up with the angels and that we were saying good-bye and that we weren't going to see them anymore, etc., but he was able to make his own understanding by telling me that "Grandma is sleeping and she's not going to wake up." They really understand more than we give them credit for. Be prepared for questions for days, weeks, and months. Remind your children that it is okay to cry and miss their uncle and that it is all part of the healing process and that what they are feeling is normal; it is what you are feeling, too. When my son sees pictures, he says things like, "Grandma is an angel now" or, "We can't see Grandma anymore, but she sees us from heaven". They will absorb what you tell them and take it in and remember it. Best of luck to you!

So many people told me (my son's first time at a funeral) that death is part of life and he needs to know what to do and how to grieve. I think it is better that he attended his first funeral while he was younger. This way he won't be freaked out as teen or adult. We always talked about the fact that that was just grandpa's body now that he doesn't need it any more. Grandpa is in Heaven. My son got that and you know what, he didn't even see the body! He was sitting right in front too. How weird is that? God will see your family thru this too.

S.

Hi B.
When I was 5 or 6 I witnessed my great grandma having a stroke. I was sitting next to her, holding her hand. I had known something was going to happen. The thing that still whorls in my head every once in a while is they didn't let me see her in the hospital to say good bye. I knew she was leaving, and just wanted to hug her. My mom was worried I'd have been sacred by all the monitors, and tubes.
Unfortunately my daughter has been to quite a few funerals. Now at age 5 she is more aware of whats going on. My husbands uncle passed this spring, the first close family member to go. She did very well.
Good luck in finding whats right for your family.
A. H

I would suggest running to the library and checking out a book. When I needed to prepare my daughter for my Dad's passing that is what I did. Most of the books I found did cover the after effect, and yes it goes on for a long time when it is someone you are close too. It has been over a year and my daughter will still ask questions, and the first time her Dad went out of town for work she asked if he went to be with Papa and was he coming back. I was well prepared for after questions and random thoughts because of the books I read. So while I realize time is of a minimum right now, at least find one good book on it. The one I had covered pets and even moving it was in general about dealing with loss as a child.

Hope this helps and my thoughts are with you.

Hi B. -

I stongly encourage you to allow them to be a part of this process. As parents, it is natural to want to shield and protect our children from all the hurt of the world. Loss is something that they will face and you want to allow them to deal with it in a healthy way. Also, your uncle's children are going to need a lot of support and love and I assume your children will be a big part of that. Also, allow them the opportunity to spend time with your uncle (and him the chance to enjoy them) while he is still here.

I am sure your kids have heard you say that he is "sick". Please be careful to also make sure to use the word "cancer". When we tell children that someone dies because they are "sick", we leave it open for their very creative minds to interpret. The next time they get a cold or a friend is home "sick" from school, they become fearful that they might die too. Be honest and be clear. They will have a lot of questions. Some will be innocent and beautiful, some will be hard to answer because you are grieving too and some questions simply do not have answers. Remember you must be fair and allow them to work through this process as well.

This past January our youngest son passed away leaving behind four older siblings (ages 2, 3 1/2, 5 1/2 and 9). It was a devastating time for all of us and thankfully we had a lot of help and guidence along the way. We allowed them to set their own limits and did not force anything upon them, but they did participate in every step of the process. Like some of the other comments mentioned, sometimes they don't seem to get it (like "OK, can I go play now....") and that's OK.

We had some private time with just us and the children prior to the visitation. We allowed them to approach his casket when they were ready and ask questions freely. One of our children had made a card to leave with his brother. We also arranged for the kids to leave the visitation early and have a slumber party and relax with a close friend of the family. They were able to be a part of it and spend some time with their brother, but it also allowed the adults the time to visit and grieve as well.

During the funeral all of the kids presented a gift to leave with him. Throughout the celebration their expressions and grief would come in waves. It was painful to know that they were hurting, but they needed the opportunity to say goodbye just as we did.

For a couple of days our 5 1/2 year old would tell everyone (server at a restaurant, cashier at grocery check-out, etc.) very matter-of-factly "Did you know my brother died? Yeah, he died." Thankfully it went away quickly, but it was just part of how he was processing. Our 9-year-old doesn't really bring it up. Every once in a while she'll participate in a conversation with the other kids about what Heaven might be like or whether or not Rocco has wings now, but mostly she keeps it to herself. The younger kids were more upset that we were sad or crying. They still talk very openly when they miss their brother and want to look at pictures and talk about him. We allow them to talk freely and express their feelings. Thus far they have been very positive and very kind and often look to see if he is dancing on a cloud.

We did do some counseling - as parents, all together as a family and individually with the kids. It was a good tool, but they really are doing just fine. Kids are so resillient and the innocense is beautiful.

There are a lot of resources available - please take advantage and continue to reach out to others who may have had similar experiences. It is comfoting to know that you are never alone. Please feel free to contact me at anytime. My email is ____@____.com

I am very sorry for your family and the challenges you are facing. I wish you much continued health and healing.

B.,
My children were 2 1/2 and 5 when their father passed away, 5 and 7 when grandpa passed away, and 6 and 8 when their uncle passed away. I am amazed and in awe about how resilient they have been and the degree of peace they exhibit continually. Although they miss their father and the others, they took it in stride and have extremely strong faith. Early on, we read children's books on the subject (some were strange, but they didn't mind, they just wanted to cuddle and talk about it in a safe way - through a book). I also agree that your son will be a blessing to his cousin and that will be critical as he is a little older. I think the older they are, the harder it is. There are grief counseling services I would strongly suggest for your uncle's loved ones. Here is one I went to and can't say enough about it: http://www.newhopecenter.net/index.cfm?page=supporttext.

I headed the bereavement ministry for three years and I exposed my own children to many of those deaths and the deaths of friends and family - guess what death is natural and inevitable (you know this I am sure!) and can be beautiful and hopefully for you is spiritual - there are many many books to help children through grief and to offer explanation. talk about the happiness of death and the life after as you believe it. the release of pain etc etc - kids get a whole lot more than you think!

you may find that the reaction you get is not sad enough - like maybe wow I am sad - can I go ride my bike :) kids are resilent and surprising so while its good to be prepared honesty and faith play an enormous role but dont be surprised if your prepared for nothing - could go either way!

I would definitely include them. Children can handle a whole lot more than we think they can. They will deal with it on their own terms and in their own way. Let them ask all of their questions, this is part of the healing process for them. Let them approach the casket when and if they are ready. I was recently at a funeral and the kids there dealt with it by drawing pictures of what they were experiencing including drawing a picture with their aunt in the casket. It sounds shocking to adults because we would never do something like that, but to kids they are just drawing about how they are feeling.

I know that we want to shield our children and protect them but imagine the trauma they will go through when they are older (maybe even adults)if they have never experienced a funeral. I've had many adult friends that had never been to a funeral until they lost their parent. They had no idea about anything to do with a funeral let alone how to cope with their loss.

First, I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. I know how difficult it is to see a close loved one suffer - and have to wait out the timeline the doctors have given.

Much of what I'd say is in the other responses, so I'll try to avoid being redundant. Your kids are old enough to understand, yet young enough to have the innocence that only children have. Go ahead and grieve and allow them to be a part of that, but try to also focus on some positives. Death is sad for all those that are left behind....we struggle to get through NOT having our loved ones here (to talk to, hug, touch, etc). Let your kids know that even though we are sad, we should be glad that Uncle is no longer suffering or battling....he's in a good place where everything works now. Express his love for them and how proud he was and continue to move forward.

Also, it's wonderful that you want to be there in order to help your Uncle's son in his grieving. Let your son know what feelings this boy may be experiencing (anger, frustration, sadness, etc) and let them both know that you are there for them. Hopefully you receive more pointers in helping your son manage and know how to react if he's the 'go to' guy for your Uncle's son.

Again, such a sad situation - take cues from the kids to see what they want to do or how they think it will go. Address their feelings, and let them see yours, as well.

Best wishes during this difficult time.

They may have questions afterwards, answer them honestly. I would take both kids to the funeral especially since this is a favorite uncle. I think your son can be a great support to your uncle's son as well during this tough time. We just lost my husband's grandma last week and we took our 3 year old son and there were plenty of pre-teen and younger nieces and nephews at the funeral too. All the kids did fine with it. I would definitely tell the kids that uncle was very sick and that now he is not in pain anymore and in a better place. They will understand. The more they are subjected to funerals, the less fearful they will be to attend.

MC

My children were close to thier grandfather who passed a little over a year ago, and they took it very hard. I did let them go to the funeral home for the showing, but it was at a time where there weren't really a lot of other people around, and I let them kind of be the judge of how long they could stand it. I made it clear that anyone uncomfortable could sit in the waiting room area at any time. I did take them to the funeral service as well. Some of them were pretty young at the time, but I didn't feel that I could live with myself if I didn't offer them closure instead of just "poof" grandpa's gone and you'll never see him again. In my personal experience I've found that lack of closure leads to longer healing. Of course your kids are going to be upset and so are you - that's natural. In the end only you can know what is the right thing to do though.

Yes include them. I was 4 when my grandpa died and it was something I'll never forget. But better to have some emotion than to forever question where someone is or why one doesn't see someone anymore. Going through this stage of loss, I think,is important. What if it's a pet your kids loved? Worse, what if it were you or their dad? Of course it's going to be emotional and heartbreaking. But remember the departing/departed for all the things that make you smile about them or what made them fun to be around. That's how the memories stay fresh. The irritating ones too, but the fond memories are what keeps someone very much alive. I think it's the route to go, personally.

I would include them. We have two children, just turning 11 (boy) and 9 (girl). One of my husband's uncle's died 3 years ago of cancer. We have a close knit family so we would see hime every few months before he got really sick. Uncle Mike was only 5 years older than my husband. We had both at the funeral home and the funeral. There were no significant after affects.

Hi B.! Three years ago my grandpa passed away. I have four children and they loved their great-grandpa very much. I too went through what you are going through. This was the first family member they knew who passed away. My 3 oldest, who were 9,6 and 5 at the time are very emotional and I was worried about them. We did decide to take all 4 kids to the funeral home to see family and be with my grandma, but only my oldest son went to the actual funeral. We hired a babysitter for my 3 and some of my nieces and nephews and then they came to join the rest of the family for the dinner afterwards. Sometimes my kids think about my grandpa and cry because they miss him, but I feel the decision I made was the right one for them. I think you should go with your heart and do what you think feels right.

When my brother in law was dying last year at the age of 43, we spent much time holding vigil at his house with our children, aged 5,9,and 10. This was not just because we wanted them to understand what exactly was happening, but also because he had a couple of daughters, one who was 10 also. The kids spent most of the day playing together, but they would take a break about once every hour or so to walk into his room and hold his hand or touch his leg. He was sleeping, but they did this every so often anyways.
We were not there when he died, and from what I can tell, that would probably be too much for them to witness. His older daughter still struggles with that image permanently etched in her memory.
The funeral, the kids were there for everything. Essentially the same thing happened. They all played together, ignoring the casket for quite a while. They were aware that it was there, but they went up to see it in their own time. My niece eventually walked up there to see her dad, like she had done while they were still at home, and my kids were with her. So the children went up there in their own time. I could see them talking. It wasn't long before my 5 year old daughter came up to my mother in law and sat in her lap and cried. She sobbed, really. She was grieving. She wasn't scared. She was having the same reaction we all were having. She cried and when she was done she got down and played again, stopping every so often at the casket again. My 10 year old was gone at camp during this, but the 9 year old was there. He cried, but mostly by himself. He had a lot of questions. One thing I never realized until then was that in their little memories, their uncle was always quite ill. I hadn't realized that because I had this whole lifetime before to know him when he hadn't been sick. Even though he was only sick for three years, my kids were young. That was about the stretch of their memories. They had been preparing for this a lot longer than we had as adults.
The kids chose to all sit together in the front row of the church during the funeral. It was like a united front. We let them do what they wanted to do that day. Noone knows the right way to do this stuff.
The problem I have always had about not including kids in funerals is that if they don't go through that ceremony, it is a part of closure that is not completed.
When my best friend died, the funeral took place in Europe. I wanted to be there, but getting details was difficult and ultimately preventative. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that she is gone-gone. I can't call her anymore. I didn't see it for myself. It is strange how the mind works sometimes.

B.,
I'm so sorry to hear about your Uncle's battle with cancer. It seems that in the last 4 years, most of my closest older family members have passed away. I took my son with me to the funerals. He is now 6 1/2 years old. He does ask questions from time to time but nothing that I can't handle as we are a religious family as well. It does help other family members to see the younger children. It can take their mind off of what is happening. It will also be good for the cousins to help each other. If they all want to go outside and play during the visitation, if and when it comes to that, let them. It will help it to be not as overwhelming for them. Be sure to bring games they could play in the corner or ask if there is a separate room for the kids. A few funeral homes I have been to have books for children and a room with a TV with some movies for the kids to watch.

Also, something we have done at a few funerals for close family members is we took construction paper or regular paper and we traced our hands and cut them out. Then we wrote a message and/or drew a picture to the person who has passed away and before the casket was closed or during the visitation, we put the hands in the casket. This was symbolizing us hugging our loved one and it was a way to say goodbye as well. The kids enjoy it and I know of a lot of adults who have really appreciated this.

I hope this helps. You and your family will be in my prayers. God bless!

B.,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I know it's not easy saying good-bye to someone you love.
Death is a hard concept for younger children to grasp. When my grandmother died a few years ago my children were 5 and 3 (we lived next door to her so our family was especially close to her) I took my kids to the viewing at the funeral home. My oldest son was content to say good-bye from a distance but my younger son was curious and wanted a closer look. We talked about what to expect at home and what happens when a person dies (goes to heaven, and is with God) That the body is just an empty shell, Grandma isn't here anymore. When we actually attended the funeral we left the kids at home with a sitter(although they were quite a bit younger than yours are).
It sounds like your children are old enough that you may want to ask them what they would like. Just going to the funeral home to attend the viewing? Go to the funeral? You may also want to explain to them that we go to these things not only to say good-bye but to show our love and support to the loved ones who are left behind. Talking things out is the best way to go, try to prepare them for what to expect.
I know this is a hard time in your life and you will all be in my prayers tonight. God Bless you.