Would This Bother You? Estranged Spouse Sharing My Financial Info

My ex is a tool, would not have bothered me. I would have just looked at is as helping the child get to college and let it go

Looking at some of the answers this would be his financial information as well? Not his fault that being married makes it joint information. You should not feel you have control over your old tax filings, they are his too or he wouldn't need them. So much anger in some of these answers. If he had any sense he could get the same information from the IRS, it isn't yours to control. All you were doing by giving it to him is making sure he met the deadline for her filing.

Look at it this way, soon the divorce will be final and your finances severed, no more of this to worry about.

I would be peeved.

But next time don't send him any of "your" information. Make him come to you so you can see exactly what he is going to do with it. Or maybe meet at a library, fill out what he needs, and keep your documents.

But then again he can still tell others your info.

That just stinks that he doesn't respect you enough to keep it private.

Of course he was wrong, that really isn't the question. The question is, what do you do about it now? I didn't file for separation. I kicked my ex out and immediately filed for divorce. I don't know if the separation would "stop" him from sharing info or not.

Maybe now start to put everything in writing, no more calls or texts but EMAILS only, so you have exactly what is said between the 2 of you. Otherwise it's he said/she said. Good luck.

I would be annoyed, but I also wonder if you might have some control issues(not because of the finance info, but because you seem to be more annoyed that he is getting help from someone you don't like and have a grudge against, would you feel so strongly if it was someone else helping him?). In the end what is done is done, so unless you think this other person, who you ex and your child clearly like and trust, will steal the info and do something bad with it, I would just let it go. In the future this will be a non-issue since your taxes will be separate from his.

I too would feel greatly violated but would have to accept that, as we were still married, I could do nothing about this other than what you've already done -- tell him that this will damage your "amicable relationship."

Meanwhile, do you plan to start divorce proceedings ASAP? While you can't undo the fact that your husband and his daughter do have to complete these forms right now, and have legal access to your records, I'd sever ties with him legally before she starts college. If any of the aid is in the form of a loan, is there a chance that lenders or universities could come after you if husband/daughter default on a loan later and your name is in their files and you're not divorced? How much information, financial or otherwise, about you will be in other records her eventual college will hold, and what happens if your name is linked with her application in other ways? I would just cut ties as quickly as possible so there's no question of anyone approaching you about his finances or hers in the future.

It's tough but you guys are going to have to cooperate when it comes to college forms and applications.
Your info is joint so far and he can share the info with who ever he wants - and you can do the same thing.
Even after the divorce is final - you and he are still going to have to cooperate for the kids sake.
Once college is finished, imagine how you might have to handle him at kids future weddings, etc.
Once you have kids with someone - you're connected more or less forever with them.
You're going to have to grit your teeth quite a bit.

YES, this is inappropriate. If he must use the info legally on his daughter's forms, or if he shared them with a college application professional or an accountant, that would be one thing. But the way you describe it, this person is not helping in a professional capacity. So it's really wrong of your husband to consider it, even without the added info that this person is a busybody. Which definitely makes it worse. And he's going to "think about it." I don't see why he can't get the person's advice overall without giving away your confidential info. But then again, if he were understanding and sensitive, you'd still be together.

I'm sorry but I do think you need to put some sort of legal protections in place sooner rather than later. I get that you don't want to rush things but this stuff is going to happen over and over. Time to talk to a lawyer right away and decide what your next steps are. It may be too late for this situation, but the next situation is just around the corner.

If you file for divorce (or are granted a divorce) would that make your joint returns irrelevant to this process since she is not your daughter but your step daughter? For what it is worth... I wouldn't like this either.

absolutely not okay. i'm sorry your dh continues to be a thick-headed asshat.

but your dreams need to get wilder, hon. he's always been this way. you just can't expect normal reactions from him.

divorce him already and disentangle your finances. then it really WILL be nobody else's business.
khairete
S.

I, too, would be frosted.
Best case scenario, he accepts your offer of help. Here's hoping!
Worst case scenario, busybody now knows more of your business.

Given your previous post where you were concerned he wouldn't fill out the forms at all, I am relieved he is at least doing it. I know you don't like the person who is helping, but until you file for divorce, he's going to need access to your info for these kinds of things.

ETA: I guess my matter-of-fact response was based on my own opinion, which is that it doesn't bother me if people know how much $ I make. So even if someone I didn't like saw my income numbers, so what?

Well, you gave him the information but it's legally his information too...since you're legally married and it was a joint income. It's likely t legally be fraud if you don't give your information to them or they leave YOUR income off. You are legally her family as long as you are married to her father. Period. Your income is her income. Next year you'll have to surrender the same thing or they'll have to call the IRS again, even if you divorce him right now. Your income and his income are her income along with her mother's and step father's income is her income, income that counts against her.

He could have simply called the IRS and said he needed a copy for financial aid and they'd have sent him a copy.

I think you need to accept that even at the end of this year YOUR income is still going to count against this young lady getting any assistance. YOUR income is still going to be used for her even next year.

As long as you are legally her step parent your income will be counted against her.

I know you have your reasons for not filing for divorce but as long as you are legally married your income is her parent/step parent's income and she legally has to have this information to file for any assistance.

It wouldn't bother me too much, because I generally don't mind discussing finances. However, I do know that a lot of people don't like to talk about it, so I can understand where you're coming from. Try to focus more on helping your stepdaughter than the issues with your husband, as I'm sure your current situation is making every little thing (or big thing) bother you more than it might normally. Likewise, you're probably more bothered that he is sharing the info with this particular friend than you might be if it was anyone else.

Because you are still married, are you legally obligated to contribute to your stepdaughter's education? Could your info be left off the form entirely? If you are the one with all the money and your husband doesn't make as much, she may be actually be able to get more financial aid without you than with you. That is simply a thought I had - I can honestly say I do not know how the process works and am not recommending that you do this without discussing it with a school counselor or lawyer or someone with real info.

I am really sorry you are going through this. I know how stressful it can be and I hope it gets better for you.

If you filed a joint return then it is legally his as well as yours. I know you don't want other people in your business but he has the legal right to share. I can understand feeling violated and it doesn't seem right but he can share.

I'd be so pissed if some arrogant busybody had my social security number and bank statements.

I'd go over there and get that paperwork before he makes a copy. And I'd tell him that if he gives your info to anyone, he'll make an enemy of you in ways he won't like and it'll cost him a lot of money down the road.

Stop trying to help him so much. He's being the same SOS now that he was when he was living with you.