Worst Nightmare. Suspicious Email on Husbands Phone :(

Updated on January 19, 2011
M.R. asks from Olathe, KS
36 answers

Been married almost ten years to my best friend. He's amazing. And while he's never given me reason to be suspicious, he travels overnight a few days a month and after the tiger woods thing and all the other unfaithful acts you hear of, I tend to check up on my husband. He knows I have his password to his phone. I do not have his email password, but am able to access it on his phone. Found a sent email from him from this summer to a craigslist listing for a "full body massage". Looked up place of business, sure enough, busted for prostitution. Found mention of this therapist on a few escort sites and message boards talking about all kinds of despicable acts, otherwise known as full service. I am devasted to say the least. Want to say innocent until proven guilty, but who would respond to an ad like that.

I have repeatedly expressed concerns to my husband that I have no idea during the day where he is and after the tiger woods thing I told him I feel like you just can't trust anyone.

My heart is racing, I'm 10 weeks pregant with a two year old at home and I don't know what to do. He's leaving for Vegas of all places for work for four days. I want to wake him up and just ask him point blank. I don't want to play games. Don't care if he is mad that I invaded his privacy, I thought we had no secrets. What would you do.

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answers from Dallas on

There would be no time a mamapedia question for me! I'd be up his butt at that moment finding out what's going on!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Hope you woke him up!! If this is a deal breaker and it is!!! You need to have a game plan and get out.

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answers from Phoenix on

I've been married for 10 years to my best friend as well, Mj, and I'm sitting here trying to imagine what I would do in your shoes. First of all, I trust my husband implicitly and have never felt the need to "check up" on him, though we do share our e-mail passwords with one another. Honestly, the philanderings of celebrities have no relation to my marraige whatsoever.

Does that make you a bad wife for snooping? Of course not. But something tells me that you have more reasons than you're providing for being suspicious enough to do so in the first place.

But I'm going to go with the information I have and say that, if I were in your shoes right now, I wouldn't wait one more single minute. I'd wake him up from a dead sleep, make sure he's coherent, ask him about the e-mail and give him the opportunity to explain it. If his first reaction is to be angry at you for snooping...well, that might be a clue, but it's hardly conclusive.

But honestly? If it were my husband? The man laying in bed next to me right now sound asleep? The guy who has been nothing but loyal and loving to me for over a decade and that I am more in love with now than I was even yesterday?

Honestly, I would give him the benefit of doubt right up until I had no other choice. Instead of being heartbroken, I would be figuring out the NUMEROUS reasonable explanations for the e-mail. Maybe your husband really just wanted a massage. Is that really so hard to believe? I've gotten a "full body" massage before and it was wonderful. "Full body" just means head, neck, back, stomach, arms, legs, feet and sometimes buttocks if you choose (f.y.i. the parts of your body that aren't being actively massaged are always covered up with a sheet.) Who would want to pay for anything less? Can you imagine going to a professional for a simple back rub? I suppose people like Talkstotrees think that "No one who is married should be emailing anyone for a full body massage when they have a spouse at home willing to do that for them." And that's fine, if your spouse is a masseuse. But mine isn't, nor is he willing to try, and I'd sure hate to miss out on a REAL massage for the rest of my life because of someone's absurd notion that it isn't appropriate (but pornography is okay?). *eye roll*

So let's entertain the possibility that your husband wanted a massage...or maybe even was wanting to surprise YOU with one. Men are cheap, first of all, so trying to find a deal on Craigslist isn't outside the realm of possibilities. Men also aren't very thorough, so I seriously doubt he would have done any "homework" on the company like you did. I also think that the content of his e-mail should have some bearing here. Did he say anything inappropriate? Anything shady at all? Or was it a simple price request or whatever?

One good thing you could do right now is use any clues in his e-mail to try and find the actual listing on Craigslist. If the listing itself is obviously for more than a massage, I think you have a problem. But if it looks legitimate, I think it was an honest mistake on his part. There might be a link or something in the e-mail you could use to access the listing, or maybe you could just search craigslist in your area using the company's name or the e-mail address or just search for "full body massage".

If all else fails, when you confront your husband about it, you can simply ask him to show you the listing. If this happened recently, there's no reason why it won't still be on craigslist.

Just some ideas. All I can say is if your husband has NEVER given you any reason to question him and you truly were acting under the influence of too many celebrity soap-operas, I think your man deserves the benefit of the doubt here. Wake him up and give him the chance to explain. And then, once it's hopefully been cleared up, you can start working on your trust issues together.

Hang in there, Sweetie.

P.S. Out of curiosity, I just searched my local (Phoenix) Craigslist for "full body massage" and came up with a couple of extremely legitimate looking ads....and at fantastic prices, I must admit. I might even call them myself, lol (after doing research, of course).

Here's one of them:


P.P.S After reading more of your responders (including Marda) I'm SHOCKED at how many people think that a "full body massage" automatically involves sexual touching. Have none of you ladies ever had a professional massage? Do you even KNOW about the terms used? I'm completely speechless here. I'm not saying there aren't places where you can get...er..."full service" under the guise of a full body massage...but for crying out loud, people, let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Shreveport on

Go to this site and you will find wonderful support and information.
I do want to strongly urge you to see your dr asap and get a full workup done for stds.
As for what to do..that all depends on you and what you want. First and foremost though take care of yourself,eat right,get rest, and focus on yourself.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

First off a *hug* for you! I am so so sorry you are having to go through this painful situation!!!

For mamas like 'Steph C' who think the whole Craigslist/full body massage' issue could just be a misunderstanding- well, bless you, but there have been NUMEROUS exposes done on how Criagslist is now the number one online place for the sex trade to recruit customers.

I have worked for many years in the newspaper classified industry (which used to get all those ads before they moved to Craigslist!)and I can tell you right now that 'full body massage' is ABSOLUTELY the code words in advertising for 'sex trade' hanky panky massage.

I just do not see how this could be your husband trying to book YOU or even himself a hot stone/medical massage and accidentally ending up with a Craigslist sex ad several times. Sorry, but he would have to be COMPLETELY naive and ignorant of Craigslist and it doesn't sound like he is.

It sounds to me as if you have given your husband the benefit of every doubt. You have pretty good evidence that he has been visiting prostitutes. To me, even though it may 'mean nothing' to him emotionally, that is cheating and I would not stand for it in my marriage. It is an absolute deal-breaker.

That is just MY opinion about my personal life, however. If you really want to try and work this out with your husband and think it CAN be worked out, you will need to get him to attend not only marriage counseling with you, but also counseling on his own. He will have to share all the family finances with you so you see where money is being spent. He will need to be accountable to you even when traveling. All of this might be hard for him to adjust to, but he needs to realize that HE brought this on himself with his own choices and bad behavior.

Whether you decide to stay or leave him, here is what I would do FIRST:

Print out all the phone messages, bank withdrawls, etc and sit down and confront him with them. If he gets mad or tries to turn it back on you for being suspicious or something- that is a huge red flag. My ex didn't cheat on me, but he did have online addictions and his thousands of dollars of debt from me and when I confronted him, tried to make it about me being 'insecure' and not about where the money had gone. That's very common when people get caught in a lie - and feel guilty in the first place.

If he will admit what he has done, you need to figure out what to do from there. Again- having been through something similar- here is what I would do.

Go to stay with your parents for a week or two. Take your son with you. I say this, because YOU need some time to figure out what to do and how you really feel. But also- your husband needs a week or so to see how much he will miss you and his family and your life together. You both need to take this separate time to reach some conclusions about your lives.

The second reason I say go to stay with your parents is this: don't keep everything a secret. I cannot urge you strongly enough on this. I am not saying go and blab about it to all the neighbors and the other moms at school, etc. But- when something like this happens, it is another VERY common thing for the guilty partner to urge you to be SILENT. Your natural embarrassment about the whole thing, feelings of inadequacy, shame, even though you didn't do anything wrong, etc. will make you want to keep silent too. But it is a MISTAKE to do so.

You've already been dealing with your suspicions and this issue on your own for too long. You need help and support to make good, calm judgments and decisions for you and your kids. Keeping silent about my marital problems was one of the loneliest, most awful things that ever happened to me. My friends suspected something was going on, but since I never said anything, they didn't either, until I finally broke down.

My family was horrified and upset at first- but they rallied around me with love and help and support, and yours will too!! If you can't talk to them, talk to a minister or religious counselor, a therapist, doctor- but talk to someone about what you are going through! You have to stay strong and sane for your son and your coming baby, no matter what happens with your husband and you don't have to try and do it all alone!!

In the end, I hope you can work this out and that your husband decides to save his marriage. But just remember- it take TWO partners to fix a broken marriage. BOTH of you have to not only WANT to make it work, but your husband MUST put in the actual work and effort. Otherwise, in the end, you just cannot fix it all yourself.

Good luck to you- really, my heart goes out to you., Please feel free to PM me if I can be helpful at all.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

Be honest. Its going to eat you up inside until you do tell him about it. It could go two ways unfortunatly, for this is a touchy subject...

You could put it all out in the open, he could be honest with you, orrrr he could lie to you, and then change his passwords and then you wouldnt be able to check his phone anymore.

Its sad that you cant trust him, and that you have found evidence of this. Its terrible, I am so sorry for you dear. And being pregnant on top of it, not good...

If it were me, I would have to talk to him about it. I would wait until morning however because then it will give you time to prepare, meditate, and think about what you are going to say to him. You dont want to jump the gun and attack him and get into a huge fight where it ends up doing more harm then good. Talking to him is what you need and hopefully it turns out well for you, but you need to think it out first.

Sit down and think abou it. Think about what You want. Ask yourself, "What if he is doing these things?" Can you forgive him, or trust him? If soo then you need to think about how to live with it, or deal with it. Try getting out a notebook and writing down what you want to say, it will help you clear your mind and really figure things out.

I think some thought to yourself needs to happen before you go in there and rip him to shreds.

Best of luck to you, and hoping things go well for you <3

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

I am so sorry! I can tell from your post that you're so hurt...too hurt to really be angry right now. It's very easy to say cheating would be a deal breaker, until you're in that situation. You have 10 years of marriage and two children to think about. First, confront him calmly and get his story. Tell him what you've found and have him fill in the blanks. Tell him that the ONLY way to possibly move forward is to be completely honest. After you have the whole story, then you have a tough decision to make--divorce or work it out. It sounds like his cheating was with strippers, hookers, etc (sex, no love). That's very different from a co-worker or friend (love and sex). I honestly don't know what is worse.

I really wish you the best!!!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Okay, worst case scenario... What do you do now? Is this a deal breaker for you? If no, then what? Be ready with what you want; therapy and a therapist name? Or some other plan with how you would like this to go. If it is a deal breaker do you have a lawyer? Again, do you have a plan? While emotions and insecurity is ruling your brain right now do not act on that emotion. Make rational plans Ana consult professionals. Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

I have to respond I was in a similar situation this summer my husband had an affair with a co-worker and I made the decision to work it out with him and we are in counseling (but this is after I had talked to a lawyer and decided to work it out as much as possible.) I was the same way my husband never gave any indication not to trust him. Never in a million years did I think he would do what he did and sometimes I still wonder if he didn't get caught if he would have ever told me. I was leaving for a trip when his cell phone rang and something told me to answer it and it was the husband of the teacher my husband had an affair with. Needless to say I left without finding the whole truth but it finally came out when I checked his e-mail and an instant message had popped on his account from her saying that everything was alright and that she loved him. So called him immediately and he finally confessed. I will have to say this infidellity is running rampit not just with celebrity's this is happening to everyday folk all the time. Come ladies that are in denial about this, if she has found other evidence of strip clubs and the massage theripist had listed her services come on he was doing something wrong. I will pray for you and pray and have God lead you to what you should do. Like others said take care of yourself and your unborn child and you will get through this. Google about getting through infidellity and cheating there are some good sites out there that really helped me.

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answers from New York on

Hon, you don't know anything really. Could something be going on? Yes. Do you know that it is? No. Your husband is NOT Tiger Woods and doesn't deserve to be treated with distrust because some lame sports professional behaved like an unbelievable jerk - most professional athletes sleep around! You need to remember who your husband is.
You don't know where he is all day? Well, if he works, that's where he us. I've been married 20 years, and my husband and I have always assumed that we are each at our jobs all day, like all couples do. It could be that YOU are having some issues with paranoia and maybe need some professional help in separating your husband from the Tiger Woods incident and something that happened to another couple. Most couples don't "know" where their spouse is during the day and if you think your husband is not at work, and he has not given you reason to question this, you are an extremely suspicious person. Most people don't question whether their husband or wife is really at work. Spouses are normally not "accountable" while they are at work, even on business travel.
Are you sure these are emails that he has sent? Or should I say email, ONE email? Or did he RECEIVE the email, like he was spammed or some idiot friend emailed this to him? It could be that the "full body massage" was a gift he was trying to buy for you, but didn't know this wasn't like a spa where you get a massage and beauty treatments.

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answers from Topeka on

WOW honey you did a good job on your research for being poed to say the least.I would of flown of the broom stick & hit it with him where the sun don't shine.Have you talked to him & your findings yet?Please the first thing I was going to say is get tested get all STD's testing including the blood test for HIV you have no idea what he is passing on to you.This is a shame that he is doing this to you & for how long.You mentioned he goes out of town 4 days out of the month is this really for work or for pleasure?
Get it out in the opened you now know his secrets it will eat at you if you let it go any further.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I agree with Shira P. You don't really KNOW anything. Sounds like your imagination is running away with you. And I don't understand the dichotomy in your feelings for him, either. He's your best friend but yet you don't trust him. How can that be?

Yes, you need to talk with him but you need to wait until you can be calm and reasonable. "Ripping him a new one" will not help your marriage and would end your best friend relationship imo. Best friends assume innocence and ask for reassurance when they're afraid. Tell him what you found and how it makes you feel. Do not accuse him. Ask him for an explanation and be willing to accept his answer unless it sounds totally unreasonable.

I suggest that this incident is an indication that you and your husband are not communicating effectively with each other. I suggest that, if your husband has strayed, he may have done so, in part, because of your lack of trust. I'm not saying that getting a "full body massage" is right. I am saying that if that has happened it's a relationship issue.

I also suggest that inquiring about a "full body massage" does not mean that he had one. Why are you so quick to assume he followed thru? He may have just been curious or ???

Your lack of trust is just as serious an issue as whether or not he used(s) a prostitute I urge you to get counseling to work out the communication and trust issues in your marriage.

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answers from Houston on

Oh my, I feel soo disgusted for you. My response is based off of your "So what happened" update with the evidence.

I would PRINT OUT and make copies of your evidence.... this way he can't delete the emails and claim they never existed b/c you have multiple backups.

Then, I would take some of those copies, wake him up and throw them at his face and say, "Get out, you bastard!"

if he says he didn't do it, or why did red his messages, tell him, "You've been sneaking around, lying, doing who knows what with these so called 'massage therapists', stealing money to pay for prostitutes and questioning ME!? I had a feeling to check in b/c you've been behaving oddly and had unexplained cash withdrawals and sure enough I was right."

So, legally you can't throw a person out in the middle of the night, but you can make them move to a different bedroom and get them out of the house as soon a possible, have garbage bags with his clothes in them ready by the font door. Go consult a lawyer... even if you plan on working things out (which would be a big hell no if it was my husband), you should still consult a lawyer.

Okay, then, it pains me to say this, but you need to go get checked for STDs.

And don't even bring Tiger Woods into this. If you are checking on your hubby b/c of Tiger Woods fears, that just a little weird, you must have already had concerns and that scandal awoke them somehow... Celebrities commit adultery all the time.

I read your 3rd update! I am super impressed how well you handled it. I agree though, it still sounds like he is hiding something. Especially with the amount of times hes called and the quantities of money he has taken out. I think you handled it very, very well and calmly. Not telling people right now is probably a good thing. I wonder if he is addicted to pornography as well, watching dirty movies while bored in hotels? I really hope you guys get some good counseling.

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answers from Minneapolis on

Cheating is a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't tolerate it whether it was a relationship with one other woman, or a string of prostitutes. It makes no difference, I wouldn't waste my time trying to fix that. I watched my Mom do that for years when she could have moved on and been happier much sooner in her life. After all of the evidence you found, especially the money taken from your accounts, I don't think I'd be up for more talking and asking. And you've done that before with the strip club receipt. I would act like nothing is wrong, then I would secretly follow his butt to Vegas and see if I could bust him in the act. That is what I would do. Sorry if I sound blunt and harsh, but his behavior just makes me mad.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

You are going to have to get this out in the open. Think first. The way you approach it will determine what happens in your relationship from then on. Think. If he says nothing happened, are you willing to accept that and move on? Has he ever given you any reason not to trust him? If something did happen, what do you want to do now? What do you want to get from this conversation. Think about it, calm down and frame your side of the conversation so that it doens't end up being any nastier than it has to be. Listen to what he says, and watch his body language-and don't forget to take into account how you have been treating each other in the recent past, if any behavior has actually changed, and please, don't forget that you are pregnant and prone to hormonal behavior. I hope, for your sake and for your kids, that this turns out to be nothing.

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answers from Nashville on

This is tough!! I would certainly ask him about it. I agree with another poster that if you don't it will eat you up inside. The last thing you need is the added stress and worry (which is definitely not good for your sweet baby) that will just grow and grow over the four days he is gone. Plus you won't be able to fully take care of your two year old who needs all your attention. It will certainly be hard to do it, but I believe it is for the best. If you honestly don't care if he gets mad that you invaded his privacy, then there should be nothing to stop you. Good luck! I hope everything works out for the best!

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answers from Lincoln on

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know exactly how you feel. Definitely confront him, he's got a real problem. This particular problem (sex addiction) is a very hard one to kick.
I pray he gets help right away.

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answers from Myrtle Beach on

I have no experience in this, Just want to let you know, I am thinking about you! Try to stay as calm as you possibly ( I know easier said than done), but for the sake of your baby. hugs sent your way!

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answers from Philadelphia on

Since you found some info you should confront him on it. To me an affair is a deal breaker so you need to figure out what you would do if he is cheating.

If it was me, my hubby travels for work too. He knows what I would do because we talked about this casually a few times. the door locks would be changed and he would have to find another place to go. I told him he would be paying for our house and he better hope he doesn't get another women preg because my kids come 1st.

My husband completely agrees with me on this issue.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Don't know what you decided to do, but I am guessing by the time you get this you guys will have talked. I just want to encourage you to hang in there and I wish you the best, this is really hard....praying for you....

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Lawrence on

I read some of the answers earlier today. I don't know if you have already confronted him or not. If you haven't already, I would wait and do a few things first. 1. I would call your OB today and get tested for STD's and HIV. 2. Your husband's employer should have an Employee Assistance Program and they (should) offer free counseling services. Usually it up to 6 sessions. It should be confidential so that your husband doesn't know you are going. I would then confide in them what you have found and they can help you sort through it and determine how to handle it with him. If you feel like this is something that would cause you to divorce him, you want to be sure to have a strategy, and same is true if you think you might want to work through it and try and stay together. 3. Whatever financial proof/info you have and the texts or emails, see if you can copy or print them and hide them in a place he can't find them. Maybe even put them in a sealed envelope and give them to a friend or put them in your car. I know it sounds so hoakey and cliche, but women's intuition is generally right. He is clearly hiding things from you, that is why he doesn't want to share the finances with you. I understand you are angry and have a whole slew of emotions going on. It seems best to approach him when you are calmer so that emotions don't get the best of you and you can have a more calculated approach. I wish you all the best!

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answers from Dallas on

I would venture a guess that your husband MAY fall under the description of a sex addict. Much like an alcoholic that has little control over his/her drinking.

Go here and read it http://www.medicinenet.com/sexual_addiction/article.htm

If you think it is him, then find a therapist or treatment center near you and demand that he go. I sincerely hope that you are able to get to the bottom of this, and that you two figure it out!

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answers from Tampa on

Tell him his obvious disrespect for you is something you cannot stand for, especially the lying about it to your face. He must either give you complete control of the money and go to counseling or he must leave your family's household. The information you provided is a definite cheater... please go to your OB and get an STD workup!

I was a phone sex operator when I was much younger and the men who were married who had tons of unprotected sex with sex workers, trannys and anything between was horrifying. That job made me despise men for years!!

There is no reason why you or your family should put up with such behavior.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I would def question him!! No doubt about it. Not sure if I would wake him up or just talk to him in the am. Think about how you would like the conversation to go and what questions you think you should ask. For example do you want to start out by telling him you looked thru his phone or just by asking if there is anything he thinks he should talk to you about. This is a hard one bc I would give the advice to stay calm and think logically but on the other hand I don't think I would be too calm! Good Luck

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

OMG ! this is a really hard one......hope you do the right thing....
In my case.....maybe .... I would ask about it, and get in the plane with him to Vegas....(but this is me )

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on

In your first sentence of your post, you said your husband is "amazing." What amazing husband makes appointments for "full body massages?" He doesn't seem amazing to me. I am sorry your husband is cheating on you. Best of luck whatever you decide to do.



answers from Milwaukee on

Oh I'm so sorry hon. Looks like you do know for sure what's going on now. I don't have any advice except that now you need to confront him with what you've found and if he gets angry, don't back down. I wish you the best of luck and am so sorry this is happening to you.


answers from Spokane on

Mj, I must first say that I am very sorry that you are in this situation. I agree with the posters that have told you to talk to your husband and get some answers. There is a chance it won't be answers you want, but there is also a chance there is a reasonable explanation for everything.
Next......I would like to clarify that a "full body massage" is NOT always sexual! I am a "retired" massage therapist and I worked in a spa and I gave 5-6 "full body massages" daily and NONE of those men or women were ever given happy endings!!! There are some full service businesses but it is not typical and you have to actually work hard to find one.


answers from Bloomington on

I am so sorry you are going through this. My only advice at this point is to make sure you get a full STD check at the OB's office, right away. Those women are filthy. Big hugs and again ... so so sorry.



answers from Cleveland on

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. None of us ever thinks it will happen to us. But it does all the time. Hugs and i hope you can fight your way though this either with him or without. TAke care of you and your little one(s)



answers from St. Louis on

so he fessed up, he did these things, and lied some more... if it were me and I stayed with him, I'd make it known that his whole existence will be under my watch. I will handle the finances for one...If he uses the ATM, I will see how much he takes out and will expect receipts for everything purchased when he returns, another good one is the mileage on the rental cars, if he rents them while out of town. Every return home he is to get checked out before I even thought about being sexual with him. This is what he'd get for lying, using OUR money for sex... the thing is he knew he was wrong when he did these things but did them anyway, his conscience didn't stop him. He said it's nothing you did... then he is admitting he has the problem... unless he is lying and doesn't get as much as he wants from you... or wants something different that you are not into. If you can't keep up with him when he goes out of town, I'd make him find a job that keeps him home. To tell you the truth... I would have to know everything if I were to give him another chance and if I found something he didn't tell me, he'd be gone. I'd have to get my memory wiped clean in order for everything to go back to normal.

There was one time when I thought my husband was cheating. It was a HUGE misunderstanding...I checked his phone while he was sleeping one morning and found a couple of texts (this is when we weren't getting along so well), these 2 were saying how they missed each other and wanted to sleep in the same bed together. So I freaked out, was all upset and woke him up...turns out it was his gay friend and him joking around. He was more upset about me thinking he was gay because of that then me going through is phone. That was a horrible feeling, the cheating part, I couldn't imagine how that would feel if it was real.



answers from San Francisco on

Sorry, what a nightmare. Good luck with it.



answers from San Francisco on

Sorry, what a nightmare. Good luck with it.



answers from San Antonio on

So sorry. There's just too much evidence to be hidden here. I don't think you can or want to keep this from husband. The more you see him now the more resentment is going to kick in. I've had much smaller but similiar situations and I just had it out with my husband. Good luck and keep me posted. You can always personally e-mail me too if you want to talk.



answers from Kansas City on

MJ-- I have no experience with this first hand... and it appears that you have some AMAZING responses already. My goal is to speak a little hope to you. My Sister-in-law caught her husband cheating many years ago (he cheated for several years straight). She confronted her husband and he swore that he would stop. He didn't. What ended up happening is he left her (she never gave up-- always wanted to try to work it out for the sake of the kids)... so he was the one that left... and after he left, she filed for a divorce. Somehow, through means that I cannot even explain... God brought them back together. After 18 months of separation, he realized what he was doing was never going to fulfill him nor make him as happy as his wife and children did. He confessed to her that he was willing to change this time, and see a counselor. After much counseling, they got remarried about 18 months later. The hope I am wishing to share with you here is that ANYTHING is possible with God's strength in you.

The main things to remember are: 1. you would both need significant counseling as a couple (and him alone as well) 2. you would both need to be willing to stay together & stay honest in your marriage 3. you would both need to give one another grace, patience, and an understanding that comes from a higher power (because alone you may never understand why he did these things) and lastly 4. BOTH of you would need to be willing to work on the parts of yourselves that need it-- lets face it, no one is perfect... and although he cheated (if he did, of course)... I am sure you could find some downfalls in yourself as well. I only bring up #4 because my SIL told me that had she not been willing to take a look inside herself as well, their marriage would have never come back together. She said she had to get totally vulnerable and willing to expose herself... but that it was worth it in the end to save her marriage.

Her husband became a marriage counselor out of all of this and they have been remarried for 3 years, and we've never seen them happier. His sex addiction was drawing them apart for years, even though the wife (and us) never even realized it. One of the things that their counselor told them was that they had to START over completely... they had to date one another, court one another, and make a commitment to one another all over again. From their "new" wedding day on, they were NEVER allowed to discuss it ever again. Otherwise... the man would be forced to forever pay for his screw-up, and who wants years and years of paying for something? There is a Sex & the city episode about this with Miranda & Steve-- I thought it was really good and that they did some really cool things to help their marriage come back together.

I will be praying for you, MJ. I cannot imagine how tough this is on you. I see that you live in Olathe-- my SIL lives in PV. They use their story as a testimony to others in the same situation and I am CERTAIN she would just love to talk with you and speak HOPE and ENCOURAGEMENT to you... if you wanted her name and #, please send me a message privately!!! I am thinking about you and hoping you can make your marriage worth-- it is worth saving!


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