Whining and Tantrums - Rephrasing

I totally agree with Tera. One thing I would add is with my baby I've noticed she is usually doing it for a particular reason. She may be trying to communicate that she is hungry, thirsty, tired, dirty diaper, frustrated she can't do something, or that she wants some one-on-one. I then take care of the need from there. If it's the frustration I'll try to distract her. It's easy to recognize all of them except the one-on-one time. When all her other needs are taken care of and she is still throwing a tantrum I will get on the floor with her and just be available. We might snuggle, play with a toy, look at a book, tickle or tease, play peek-a-boo. The funny thing is it really doesn't take long for her to walk off and start playing herself. She just needed that one-on-one time for those short 10 or 15 minutes then she's fine. Good luck!

Hi A.,

Actually, ignoring the bad behavior is a good way to extinguish it. It's called behavior modification. It is not being mean, unless she's desperate for attention and you don't give it to her generally. It sounds like she gets plenty but just wants more. It really is age appropriate because she is just realizing that you are a different person from her and it scares her. Don't give in in the moment, while she is acting out, but the minute she stops, give her lots of love and attention. Speaking logically to a child is pointless. Their brains can't think logically until they're in their teens (and even then it's questionable).

V.

Hi A.,

I have an 11 month old that does the same thing. I have read that you should soothe her when she wants you to pick her up but don't pick her up instead play patty cake or something to change her temperment. With my daughter i put her down in the crib or exersaucer and she throws her tantrum but i just talk to her as i walk to do what i need to do. I have seen that she has thrown less tantrums now then before. she started acting up at 9 months and i have been consistent that i don't run to pick her up when i put her down and i just talk to her from whatever room i am in. Regarding toys if she throws a fit i let her cry for a bit and then soothe her and then i introduce a new toy and in minutes she is off doing her thing. Your daughter definately needs to be reassured that you are there for her but you don't have to run to her every whim..just talk to her and soothe her by telling her mommy is coming or mom is doing this or that. I walk my daughter thru our whole day constantly talking to her and it has seemed to help with the demands to pick her up and her possesiveness with toys. hope this helps...just remember when you put her down let her stay there an finish what you need to do don't run to pick her up...just talk to her so she knows you are there but you need to do things...with time she will understand.

Hi A.:
If your baby is that well behaved, that she sleeps 11 hours through the night,Your one lucky mother.I wouldn't allow her to cry and get upset to the point she is throwing her head back in frustration and anger.Your daughter,is only 10 months old.Babies this age,have built A serious attachment to their mother,and most won't have anything to do with anyone but their mother. Many babies at this age suffer separation issues. They are fearful, that when you leave their sight, they will never see you again.Your daughter is crying, because she is feeling insecure.If you work, she knows your routine,already. She knows,that your preparing to leave her. Its important, to make her feel secure, prior to your leaving. Let her park herself next to you, and pretend she is getting ready to. Give her an empty compact and puff. let her feel included. She will still feel bad when you leave, but it will help with the clinginess,and tears,while you are busy with a task.The best to you and your darlin daughter.

Definitly ignore it, she is doing it to get you to do what she wants and if you do it, it will escalate and be done for everything. She is finding out what works and if you respond you are giving her positive reinforcement for the bad behavior(any response). If you decide to quickly pick her up and put her in time out(like a play pen)-do it quick with no emotion and do not give in until she is quiet-she will start to realize it is the quiet behavior that gets your attn. Then when you see her throughout the day playing quietly pick her up every now and then and you will be reinforcing that behavior. My daughter threw a full out tantrum at Toys r us because she wanted a toy, so I walked away and hid behind the end cap where she could not see me but I could still see her. Within seconds she sat up when she realized she did not have an audience for her behavior, I gave her a min to calm herself down and then I went back to her and said are you done? Now you can get up and come with me(she was 18 months old) she got up, came quietly, we left and she NEVER did that again. Sometimes it takes more then once but you have to ignore it, even a facial gesture, that she can see, can be enough reinforcement. Be calm and follow through.

A.,

I'm not a big fan on punishing babies and I like postive discipline and parenting. That said, you don't want to encourage behaviors you don't like. So you have to be careful to NOT reinforce them. I tell my kids, who are now 19 months and 4.5 year old "I can't hear you when you whine, use your big boy voice" obviously that is a bit more effective as they get older. When my kids went through the tantruming phase and would throw themselves to the floor, I'd turn and walk away from them (If I could safely do so) so they got the message really quickly that wasn't the way to get attention. With a 10 month old, this is likely more of a phase than anything else. She wants but she can't communicate what she wants. I'd be patient, redirect her when possible and go from there. She will likely outgrow this really quickly and move on to something else annoying before you know it!

All that said, even with my now 19 month old, sometimes in the morning he just really wants my attention or reassurance or something so I will stop what I'm doing and pick him up or give him a hug and then go back to what I was doing. There really isn't any magical formula or anything that works every time. And there is nothing that works for every kid. My 4 y.o. and my 1 y.o. are night and day different as far as temperment and nothing that worked with my 4 y.o. works with my 1 y.o. and what works today may not work tomorrow.

:-)T.

Fist of all make sure you do not give in to the tantrum.
Then what I do is put her down and walk away. Or I will put her in her play pin kind of like a time out. A 10 month old understands a lot. Soon the child will realize that throwing the tantrum does nothing and the behavior will subside. Also make sure whom ever takes care of her during the day does the same thing as you are doing.
Good luck!

I think the best way to handle this would be to pick her up (holding her firmly enough so that she cannot throw herself, if possible) look her in the eyes and say "no" in a stern voice. Then put her back down and give her a chance to behave properly. If she throws herself again, I would put her in her crib. She will probably be very unhappy about it, but at least she will be safe from hurting herself and you can finish getting ready. Give her 3-5 minutes then get her out, if you're still working on getting ready, set her down where you normally would, tell her she needs to be patient and play while Mommy gets ready and give her another chance. If she throws herself and fusses again, back to her bed. I know this will take extra time (and could add a lot of stress if you're running late) but it will work if you stick with it.
My second son is very clingly at times and I have had to use this with him - it works if I am consistent. At this age, I think isolation in the crib for a few minutes is one of the best methods of discipline. My mother was appalled when she found out that I did this (she thought that would make them dislike their beds and not see it as a happy, comfortable place), but she has changed her mind when she has seen how effective it is, and my kids still loved their cribs (bedtime is truly one of the happiest times of the day!). Both of my kids are great sleepers and love their cozy beds.

Your child is a baby still, only 10 months old.

Here is a link about 10 month old development:
http://www.google.com/search?q=about+10++month+old+develo...

They are going through so much developmental changes...their emotions aren't even formed fully yet, and still developing as well as their cognitive skills.

"Ignoring" is not appropriate at this age, for a baby. No matter what, methods have to be age appropriate. "Ignoring" may have been the thing that some parents do, with a much older child, not a baby. Sometimes... when a child gets into the "habit" of tantruming and does it repeatedly as a "negative" behavior, sometimes not over-reacting to them can help... this may have been what the person meant. Some kids feed off of pushing their parents buttons and it does not help to focus on this behavior. That is just one method. But again, for a much older child, who has cognitive skills already. "Ignoring" does not necessarily mean "neglect" them. There is a whole bunch of other actions that go in conjunction with this...not just plain "ignoring" the child. It also means teaching them at the same time, through voice and actions.

Anyway, try looking at the links. This would be the best as it comes from "experts" in the field, and what other parents opinions are.

At this age, don't expect a baby to fully "understand." Impulse control is not even developed yet in a baby...it takes until about 3 years old for "full impulse control" to develop. Their only way to communicate, since they are not able to talk yet, is whining and crying and tantrums. It's okay. It's normal. They need nurturing... many times, it will take all kinds of approaches, as each situation may be different. I'm sure all Moms have tried everything you are doing at one time or another. I know I have. Just don't expect the behavior to go away. And, as they approach the "terrible 2's" stage/phase... a whole other kind of emotionality will emerge then too... and full blown melt downs and tantrums. Their developing emotions/communication/cognitive abilities are hard for them too.... redirect, distract, nurture, find what works for your child. Each child differs in personality and tenacity... and temperament.

Hope the links help, all the best,
~Susan

Hi A., never ignor bad behavior, if there is no consinquience for bad behavior then the child thinks it it ok. I would put her in her playpen everytime she acts up, when she calsm down let her out. J.

Wow, 10 mopnths and already throwing tantrums? My 1 year old does that sometimes. She wants me to pick her up whenever she wants. I just tell her (consistantly) "You'll just have to be patient.....mommy is brushing her teeth, or mommy is cooking your dinner." It's tough, because I know she just wants my love, but you just can't give in every time. Most of the time I'll say "here, hold this for mommy" And I'll give her something to look at or play with. That usually works for a few minutes any way. LOL I don't recommend ignoring them. That just makes them feel worse. I always talk to her and tell her whatever is appropriate. They understand a heck of a lot more then we give them credit for. Even at 10 months.They catch on after a while. My girl just started to do it, so I'm really in the same situation as you! Of course, be prepared for a life time of tantrums. From what I am told, it never ends. LOL here's my email if you want to talk more or get together for a playdate. ____@____.com
Take care!

At this age your little one has in her mind what she wants but not the physical capability to get it thus leading to her frustration. It's good to give her a small amount of time ( couple minutes) to try to figure it out on her own then go help her out and show her. If you can't come right that second at least talk to her or call out so she can hear you and know you're there. If she ends up in a full blown tantrum, get her to a safe, soft spot to have it out and just talk her through it, rub her back, etc. but don't completely ignore. just my thoughts...

Hey A.!

I agree with A. S.! :) Completely!

Honestly I recommend you wait until her tantrum is done, but DO NOT walk away from her or leave her/ignore her. Sit down next to her and talk to her. Let her know that, "we don't cry when we don't get what we want". Than show her what she can play with. I suggest you DO pick her up at this point and give her LOTS of love and continue to talk to her. Communication and love are KEY. And the best way to deal with everything! :) Talking to your baby is VERY IMPORTANT because our babies are learning from OUR behavior. That's how they learn... they mimic our behavior.

Remember... our babies are not machines. We can't simply apply a "behavior modification" and "program them"... the whole idea of THAT is ridiculous.

Our babies were most certainly NOT born to be ignored. ESPECIALLY in their 1st year. A 10-month old is NOT manipulating you, she is just trying to communicate. Her cries are all she has. And how you react to her is how she is going to learn to react to people as she gets older.

You are doing a wonderful job, A.! Keep up the GREAT work!!! Just keep loving your baby, tending to her needs and communicating with her! It's such a fun journey!!!!!!!!!! :)

what really works for me is "hugging it out" when my son has a tantrum i say.."come here and lets hug it out" i also talk to him and aknowledge what is bothering him. there's a whole book about this way of handling tantrums..i just do it by instinct..also when he used to throw himself on the floor i would put my foot on his butt and help him have his tantrum which would make him laugh and then it would end. i don't think ignoring is the solution..just try hugging and see what happens.

you cant toltally ignore the behavior. my daughter does the same thing (shes 14months). what i do is sit her next to me and tell her just a minute. i personally allow my child to throw herself back because she learned really quick that it hurt her head and she didnt want to do it often. i also get down to her eye level and i tell her that we wont act like that. she cries for a while longer at times but generally does ok. good luck in finding something that works for your daughter!

A.,

My son is now almost 23 months old, and his tantrums started around age 12 months. The funny thing about it, is that it's usually when I see frustration on his face. I tried a bunch of things, and if I ignored it just got worse and louder and more frequent. If I hugged him, it felt like I was giving him his way. So, I went with a combo...I decided to sit down next to him and put my hand on his back for a moment and explain that I was here for him and when he was ready to relax I would be right there for him. After a while, I started to notice that he would look and see if I was watching during his tantrum. Slowly, it's fizzled. Unfortunately, what worked for my friends didn't necessarily work for me. I do however, agree with many of the posters. Ignoring the child, can create an increase of tantrums in some children, because they don't yet have the ability to communicate in words like we do, and they are depending on us to teach them. Now that my son is older, and is learning a variety of phrases, if he starts to become frustrated I ask him to use his words or show mommy what you need. We're working it out as we go, and you'll find the groove that works for you!

good luck.

Hi A.!

I am a single, first time mother, of a 16 month old boy, working full time as well. Boy it's hard to juggle all this, as I'm sure you know. Still, I don't think you should ignore her. She needs your attention since she doesn't get to see you when you're at work. The whining and tantrum stuff is a good thing because it shows that she has an independence. She is frustrated because she can't have what SHE wants. Just explain to her that " we are not doing that right now" and divert her attention. My son is quite a "momma's boy" so I get frustrated, but happy when he has his little fits. I want him to be loving, but independent of me too. I finally seem to be getting throught to him now. He started his tantrums around the same age and he doesn't have them a lot. It's just a phase. They are trying to figure out how to communicate and how to deal with this big world around them. It's our job to help them learn and keep them safe. It just takes consistency and perserverence. If you don't want her to do something, you have to tell her 'no' from the start. Don't worry! It gets better. Patience is hard sometimes, but it's necesary. Don't ignore her because she's just trying to communicate. Have fun!

A. S

No, don't ignore her. You have the first 7 years of her life to gain her trust or you will never have it. I'm not saying to spoil her but treasure these moments and build a strong relationship with her. Some of what I'm telling you, you learn in developmental psychology, the rest I have read in baby books, pampers website etc, since my liitle girl was born. If you don't already have it, a couple great books are what to expect the first year and what to expect the toddler years. One thing I learned was, at the 10month time frame, she would want to be held a lot and would get upset when we would put her in her play area and would get mad if I walked off for a minute. The reason being is, she was on the brinks of learning how to walk and was mad that she couldn't walk yet. I read that during this time frame, you just have to be patient and supportive as these little ones are learning so much and they get frustrated when they can't do everything that mommy can do. In another couple months, your going to notice your little one trying to be more independant. Pushing your hand away at times and at other times wanting you at other times. Just be patient. Each time they learn something new, they can get a little fussy at times but for me, walking was the big one. Well, my little munchkin is ready for breakfast and she's not feeling to well today. I hope this helps. Just remember, these kids are full of emotions as they are learning so much right now.
M.