When Should My 2 1/2 Year Old Son Meet My Boyfriend?

I was so worred like you and held off introducing my boyfriend for 4 months(- a little longer). I actually went to my ex's therapist with my ex to tlk about it because my ex was so agnst it and I didn't want there to be bad blood. The therapist agreed with M. that it didnt matter as long as I kept him as a friend and no PDA until I knew it was going to be a long term relationship. He also said some people know it's going to long term in weeks and some take months.
I introduced him as a friend in March and by the end of the summer we were begining to hug in front of her and that progressed into the affection you'd see from any couple in front of kids, and then moved in together in the fall.

If you wouldnt hesistate to let another friend join game night, invite him. Treat him as a friend. Its kind of fun sneaking hugs=)

How long would you wait until sleeping with this person...double it?

Then again, I personally view sex as a very very big deal.

Just my suggestion.

Edit: The quickest I've ever "slept" someone was with in 3 days of meeting them face to face, he became my husband, we'd known each other for 2 years prior (long distance). There was a definite verbal commitment. My second visit my ring was bought.

When you plan on marrying your new BF.

Look, being a single Mom for the past 16 years, I have dated and had relationships, and fallen in love. My son has met zero of these men. Why? Because I wasn't planning on marrying any of them. I don't see the point in introducing him to my dates, taking the chance that he becomes attached, then breaking his heart when the relationship doesn't pan out.

So, put your son first - he doesn't need to meet your new guy - I don't understand the "for my own sake" comment. If you want to see how new guy acts around children - volunteer together at a local children's shelter, Boys & Girls Clubs or YMCA - don't use your son as the litmus test.

Develop a true relationship with new guy before adding him to your son's life.

There's no reason to introduce your son to your boyfriend unless you are getting married soon.
Enjoy yourself and date for a while, but your son shouldn't be a part of it, he's too young to understand the dynamics and it will just be confusing and stressful for him. Dating is for adults, not children, keep that part of your life separate. And I'm not old fashioned or a fuddy duddy but PLEASE only have your boyfriend sleep over when your son is at his dad's. I HATED it when my mom had a boyfriend spend the night, not only did I find it icky that there was a man in her bed, but frankly it scared me :(

I always think it is funny when people jump on the for my sake comment. It isn't even for your sake it is just when you only have your kids part of the time and then you have to dump them on a sitter to go out, well it isn't just for your sake. How are you supposed to build a family relationship when the message you are sending is who do I choose today?

You have friends and your friends see your son. There is no reason your son can't meet this friend as well. When you hit a point where you are going to present him as more than just another friend that your tough questions come in.

I met Troy three years after my divorce. I dated a few guys before I met him, I really didn't see any need for them to meet my kids. Troy met them a week after we started dating, just felt right, he is after all the one I married.

When you have a ring on your finger.
No need to get your child involved in any way with this relationship until you are certain that he is going to be a part of his life long term.
Keep your dating life separate from your child.
It might make it harder on you, but it will make it easier for your child. And that's the point.
Good luck!

ETA: As long as you're sure that your BF can remain to appear as any other friend would appear on game night, I think it would be OK. And that means no PDAs, no BF completes the "couple" count (as in he's the only single male with all other couples there, etc.), etc.

When you get married.

Hi. K.. My dad died when I was young. My mother dated a great deal after. I met all of her boyfriends (and there were many :)) and she never married :)....

From my experience, I would only introduce your boyfriend, especially to a 2 1/2 year old, when you are seriously considering getting engaged. He has a dad. I would not confuse him with another potential dad ... unless you are ready to put rings on your finger.

best of luck.
jilly

I agree with Lesley B. Kids can get attached very quickly to people, and what you are striving for is consistency for your son. Wait until you know that this is the person who will be helping you co-parent in the years to come because they are ready to make a serious commitment.

As a caregiver, I've seen a few single parents make the mistake of introducing the new girl/boy-friend to the kids too soon. What many parents do not understand is that, if the relationship doesn't go well, the child may take the absence of their new grown-up friend personally. Kids really can't differentiate between "Boyfriend broke up with mom" and "Boyfriend broke up with us". Too much for little ones. First, Daddy (or Mommy) has moved out, now the next male/female figure that they might have bonded with leaves.... it can be devastating and confusing to a kid, even older ones. (I even know of teens who have been distressed by this.)

We also really want to model the values we want to see from our own children when they are teens and adults. I'm not saying your heart isn't in the right place; I believe it is and that you are very hopeful this new guy will be a good addition to the life of yourself and your son. But also imagine being a grandma to your son's child, and him being in this situation. Would you want your grandchild hanging out with a new girlfriend who hasn't made any commitments yet, or would you want to guard their heart a little longer?

As a child of divorce and a serial dating mom, do NOT make this man a part of your child's life until you both start talking about getting engaged and married. It SUCKS LARGE to have people come into and out of your life as "important" (i.e. SO of parent) and then poof-they're gone. It sends a message, and not a positive one.

If you hang out with other friends with your son, then treat it like that, but keep it friendly. Whenever you guys become serious (and I mean talking wedding, not having sex), THEN deal with things as a potential family unit.

You have to keep in your mind that YOU are not the only person in a relationship - it will always be 3 of you. And the people you date have to be aware of the same thing. If you are just looking to be social and have an adult life, then keep that COMPLETELY separate from your child. Have fun, be careful, etc. But if you are looking for a serious relationship, take it slow.

Good luck, and enjoy.

EDIT: From your update, you have a really good head on your shoulders, the game night thing sounds just right :)

It sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders and are thinking about this the right way. As for your updated question, I think that is a great way for your boyfriend and son to meet, without the situation being fraught with emotional peril - if your son perceives him as just another friend of yours in a larger group of friends, then the two of them could interact without your son thinking, "Is this my new daddy?" Also, this approach is much less likely to piss off your ex. :)

I don't think you should introduce your boyfriend as your boyfriend unless/until the two of you are engaged. Presumably the two of them would then have 6+ months to become acquainted as stepfather/stepson before your marriage.

I waited until I was sure I was going to be with the guy for a while. Which meant she didn't meet my current husband until after he proposed. Was it hard? Sometimes, yes. But he also had kids and we didn't want any of the kids to have people traipse in and out of their lives, so we were both very cautious of that.

ETA: My daughter was 2. His youngest was 2 1/2 and his oldest was 3 1/2 when we all met for the first time.

When I was a single mom it was really hard to keep a boyfriend and my kids separate, I did not have the luxury of "child free" days or evenings. And I would really want to know how my boyfriend interacted with my children BEFORE the relationship went further. As others said, dont let this become someone your son gets really attached to unless you are sure it's heading toward marriage. dont let them have a parent child relationship until you are married. Dont expose him to you and BF necking. (I dont think you need to be told any of this but I dont want someone else hatin on my answer) But meeting him? why not? What if you wait 9 months and then find out he does not get along with your son? Would you really want to waste 9 months on this guy?
Adding: My six yr old thought my "friend" (now hubby) was HIS friend. at 2 1/2 your son will not pick up on subtle cues, as long as there is no PDA he wont see the difference.

When you don't start by saying you've "recently started dating". It can take several months for people to reveal themselves in a relationship. There is no hurry to introduce your son to this new man.

On the other hand, I don't agree at all with those who say you should be engaged or even married before they meet. You and your son come as a package and it would not be fair to any man to expect them to commit to marriage without getting to know your son and to be with you and your son together to see if you all can work together as a potential family unit.

There is no absolute time-frame for these things - I have a friend who is now married to a man she met at a family-based gathering, which means her kids met him the same day she did and they began doing family things together from the start. Usually, however, if you are in a typical dating situation, there is nothing forcing this meeting to happen and it's not necessary to rush things.

Here is how you should think about it. How would you feel if your son's father wanted to introduce a new woman to him..say he just started dating her a week ago and now he wants your son to go on kid friendly dates with him and the new woman. Now how do you feel about that. Now you have a woman who YOU don't know hanging out with YOUR son. This is what the father of your son is thinking. This is a guy he doesn't know a thing about and you are wanting to involve the guy in his son's life.
The best thing you can do is back off on the introductions and wait at the very least a year. The reason I say that long is because your son is so young.
I want to also suggest you do a background check on this boyfriend. I know sounds extreme but you would be surprised what people will hide from people they are dating.

In my opinion, when you know you will be together for the long haul. When you make that decision, introduce your son, take time to lean how to become a family unit, and get married. Any other way, simply does not make sense to me. Why introduce a man who you have no idea will be around, your child get attached (he will,) and then he leaves and your son is hurt? You say for YOUR sake? For HIS sake, wait until you KNOW he will always be there. You child should not be a part of your dating life. Only hut can come from that. If you want to date, great! Have fun getting to know someone, but keep your son out of it.

Dana T: In a perfect world, that would be great! Most people wait a date or few (sad) for sex, so I think that's scant time...unfortunately.

*Personally*, and from the standpoint of being the child of divorced parents, but not a parent who has navigated this terrain, I think it's kind of nice for kids to meet the new boy/girlfriend sooner than later. Gives the kids a chance to say, "Whoa, this guy really burnt my toast," or, "Wow, I like your new friend!"

What doesn't work so well (in my childhood experience), is when new partners and pushed on kids, or when the intimacy of the new relationship fully saturates the old parent-with-child dynamic.

I, for example, was asked to spend alone time with girlfriends of my dad whom I really didn't get alone or have much in common. It was very uncomfortable and inauthentic. When my step-mother entered the picture, I was asked to treat her as a mother, before I'd really gotten close to her. The pressure worked - but not in the way my folks had hoped. I was repealed rather than attracted. Relationships and bonds cannot be forced. They take time and should be allowed to happen organically.

Too, I felt upset when I stopped being able to have alone time with my dad (and sister). My step-mother wasn't comfortable with my dad taking me out, for example, to lunch by ourselves. She needed to be there Every. Second. Of. The. Day.

If my dad and I were talking, or playing a game of chess, or taking a walk, she would come skittering to his side, hanging on him, referencing old family memories from before her time.

Blech. I've got to admit, I still have a bad taste in my mouth from all of that.

But just meeting them? It *could* have been an opportunity to meet someone new, get a feel for them...that sort of thing.

your son's dad is NOT in charge of your actions within your own home, as long as you are not endangering your child.

but please put some viable time into your relationship with your "recent" boyfriend ....before introducing him to your child. I firmly believe you have to KNOW him before he's allowed to be with your child.

I'm more old school. My focus is on the protection of the child's emotions. I applaud that my sis & her SO of the last 5 years have devoted themselves to their own children. They both have 50% custody, & ....for the 1st year, did not join their families together. They allowed their relationship to grow/blossom before the meet/greet took place. Then they had a few dinners together....everything slow & easy.

& here we are 5 years later, & all is well. They're currently looking for a shared home. :)

AFTER YOUR UPDATE: Yes, I think the game night would be an excellent time to add your new boyfriend to your son's circle of comfort!

I agree with Jennifer H and Lesley B. I was a single mom too. My situation with my husband was a little reversed because my husband and I worked together and were just co-workers/friends for a long time. We were both single parents and got our kids together for play dates for about a year before we started dating. But I knew when we started dating that we would get married (I didn't tell him that at the time of course). My son didn't meet anyone else.

My parents divorced when I was 8. My mom moved far away. We saw her every other Christmas and for a month during the summer. She was living with a man and my dad got a court order so that we would not visit them so she came to us instead and we went to her family instead of her home. Eventually she married him and we then went to visit her instead.

However, my dad's girlfriends were around and we saw them frequently although they never lived with us. He was engaged to one when I was about 12 and really wanted a woman to talk with. She broke up with him eventually. I have always wondered if I had anything to do with this. As a girl with no mother figure around, I was probably pretty needy.

I kept my distance from dad's girlfriends after that. I was always distant from my stepfather - he was a bit anal and didn't like kids much. (She divorced him and I get along with her current husband well). I did no get along with the girlfriend my dad had while I was in high school at all. She preferred my dad to take care of her and her daughter and thought I should take care of my brother and the house so he could help her with her legal problems with her ex.

I don't know what to tell you, really. Just be cautious as others have said.

I think him coming over on a game night is a great idea. Your right it's just like one of mommy's friends and they can get to know each other just a little bit at a time. Just be careful that the lil one does not walk into anything you would not want him to see after the other friends have left for the night and no overnights after game night.

Well, before you have sex with him - and around the time you are thinking about becoming more than just boyfriend/girlfriend in my opinion. I never thought it fair for kids to meet their parent's signifigant others and form a bond when the adults themselves are not looking at a long term commitment. I say before you have sex because you do not want to get preggers with this man's child (acciddental or otherwise) when he has not even been made a serious commitment (ring) and WANTS to be part of YOUR family. So, when you and he are ready to beging talking about forever, marriage and how to make all of that work for BOTH of you, then it is time to bring in #3 and figure out if you are all ready to make it work for all three of you. I do know people who have wed because they loved the kids and liked the parent (you know the man/woman they wed) and it ended in divorce a few years later. Children and adults attach to eachother very easily.

I would say wait until you know you will have a long relationship... Let it hit a few bumps and get through them.

I don't think engagement is necessary. Like Sue said, it really isn't fair to the boyfriend to commit himself to a FAMILY when he only knows one person in it. It's equally unfair to marry a man your son hasn't even had a chance to get to know.

To me, the importance isn't in WHEN they meet, it's how the relationship develops. Until you are engaged, he is MOMMY'S friend. Of course, he can be friendly with your son. But I wouldn't let them become any closer than a casual friendship. No going out for group activities, no sleep-overs with boyfriend, no special presents from boyfriend to son. They pretty much see each other in passing, when boyfriend is picking you up for a date, or if he comes by for dinner once in a while. (Don't have him at the house all the time...) That way, if things don't work out, son doesn't lose a good friend.

If you get engaged, THEN boyfriend can start building a relationship with son. THAT'S when boyfriend gets to start hanging out with little man, taking you both out on family dates, etc.

It's really not up to son's dad... If you were going through boyfriends one right after another, I could see him having a problem with it...but if you are mature and responsible about who you are seeing, and sensitive to how it's affecting your son then it's YOUR choice. Is he going to hold himself to the same standard when he gets girlfriends?

My parents divorced when I was very young... We met most of my dad's girlfriends (we lived with him) after a few weeks. NONE of us were ever scarred from these women entering and leaving our lives. The worst was

I don't see that you need to treat this any differently than you would treat introducing your son to any other new friend. Just because you take him to the zoo with your girlfriend, he will not expect her to be a part of his family. He won't expect your bf to be his 'dad' just because the three of you hang go to the park together. I introduce my son to new adults all the time (he is now 6-1/2). He doesn't expect anything of them. Two year olds don't know what boyfriends are or that they could become part of the family.

I also don't see what on earth this should have to do with when you decide to have sex with the bf. You are an adult - make the decision that is right for you. Just because you have a child, doesn't mean you can't have a boyfriend that will not be forever. Wow, are people judgemental.

Kids aren't stupid they will figure it out plus your friends may slip n say something I say use your gut use your instincts n when you think it's time it's time.

Are you truly Girlfriend and Boyfriend?? Serious Boyfriend or a fun person to hang with?? Make sure you get to know him really well before you let your innocent son meet this man. You do not know him well enough as you said you just started dating him. You should really wait a long while until your sure he is the one. Not fair to your little one. Your son comes first before anyone in your life.

Well I am both a single mom and a woman who dated a man with a child pre-baby so I have some ideas. I wouldn't have him come over for game nights and stuff just because it might be kind of awkward for your boyfriend to not be "boyfriend" like around you cause your son is up and awake. When I started dating my son's dad, he had a daughter with another woman. It was a good 6 months before I met her for the first time. He never really introduced me as his girlfriend (she was 3 at the time) but as a special friend of his. We would do something all together about once a month, which led to every other week. When we decided to move in together, she was told and started to come over and hang out more (about once-twice a week). However, she didn't do sleepovers for a while (he would actually go to his moms house when he had her so they could have father daughter time). When I got pregnant is when the overnights started (we also waited a while to tell her about the pregnancy, until I was really showing). Now her and I have a great relathionship, even with the back and forth of her father and I's relationship, all parents have worked well to not just have me disappear from her life since I created that attachment.

I think the 6 months was a good time frame (although it feels like forever). But, don't just think that since they met you can bring him around all the time whenever. There should be a build up of your childs exposure to him so he gets used to him, you get used to all of them together, the boyfriend can get used to his role in you and the kids life, and he doesn't become attached to fast and have something happen. Regular exposure should happen when your sure he can have a regular position in your sons life.

I hear and agree with everyone that you should wait until you know he is the one you will be with forever...in a perfect world.

I would say you can introduce him to your son when the two of you enjoy each other and you don't have other interruptions in your relationship. No need to introduce them to each other when his X still text or calls him or you haven't heard from him in a few days.

Take it slow. You can do things out doors together so the day is for you little one and not focused around your relationship. A trip to the park, carnival, lunch or anything else simple.

My daughter was 12 by the time I married. I never had a relationship with her real father. I introduced her to 3 men in that time before she met my husband now. Although there were some "forever" conversations, there was never a ring on my finger in those 12 years.

Just take it slow and remember, his Dad will find someone else and want her to be a part of your son's life someday too.

Ic think it would be fine if he came for the game night thing, just dont.introduce him any different than your other friends. My mom was always bringing guys around that we got attached to, which was not good. For the three of you to really start spending time together as a family I would wait until you are really serious, like ready to be engaged. But if he is coming over in a casual group setting, thats no big deal. I dated a guy with a kid, he and his ex had an agreement not to bring other people around the kid. I never met him and we dated on and off for several years. However, his roomate would bring every stripper girlfriend he had around the kid, and for some reason that was fine. I respected the agreement that he had with his ex, but honestly it hurt my feelings, especially since I worked at a daycare and have worked even with special needs kids. Its not like I wanted to he his new mommy, but I would have at least liked to meet him, especially when we started getting more serious. Its all about finding that middle ground. GL