What Would You Do? Dealing with Therapist for Autistic Child.

My daughter doesn't have autism but she does have complex motor tics. They are unpredictable, mostly when she gets excited or shes tired. She wiggles and flaps her hands (originally we thought she had autism b/c of the hand flapping). Sometimes when out in public people (always ones we don't know, will stare). It used to bother me, but now I really could care less. I am a lot like you in ways b/c I don't have many friends and most of my days are spent with my husband, mom and my daughter. My advice to you is to totally not worry about that therapist and her reasons for not coming inside. She was probably lost in her own little world or very likely embarrassed! I live where its hotter than hell and I have had my car breakdown at work and I've stayed in my car till the tow truck came b/c I was just so pissed that my car broke down and embarrassed that it happend at work. I understand you though b/c I too worry about what people think, I just try to focus less and less on these feelings now.

W. - are you getting any therapy for YOU? I ask because you've got to be under a ton of stress, and if you don't have any friends to relax with or outlets for your stress, the stress will just grow. I know that doesn't help you with the relationship with the therapist, but it might be a start. You could find a professional to talk to about your daughter and how difficult it is, and also talk about ways to appear more friendly/less angry. That way you can build relationships with people like the therapist so you don't get put in this kind of situation again. And I'm really sorry that she didn't take you up on your offer - I can imagine how that would be distressing. But remember she wasn't trying to make you feel bad, she probably didn't feel comfortable just sitting around in your house since you aren't exactly friends. Talk to her next time she's over at your house and tell her you want to get to know her better. That's at least a start.

Oh sweetie, you are just exhausted. You've been raising a non-verbal autistic daughter for seven years without a support network? And you have another child, right? Of course you're going to be stressed out and look angry all the time!

One of my good friends from my mommy group has a 5 year old son who has sensory processing disorder, is non-verbal, and has many other global delays. He is still in diapers. And he is the size of a 7 or 8 year old, so imagine trying to get that kid dressed when he doesn't want to cooperate.

Anyway, we in the mommy group provide moral support for each other and get together for game night (without kids or husbands, of course) about once a month. We can't necessarily help each other with our children's health or development issues, but talking about it really helps. And it's just nice to have fun adult conversations, drink wine, or play pictionary every once in a while. You could really benefit from even one or two new friends. Maybe you could find a group on meetup.com?

As far as the therapist goes, she doesn't sound like a friendly or extroverted person. The wife of my husband's cousin recently became a speech therapist. She works with young children. I find this odd, because I don't think she is good with children, and I don't even know if she likes children. She's not very friendly with adults either. Your daughter's therapist is just not your cup of tea. That's okay. You have better things to worry about. If you don't think she's doing a good job, that's another story.

It is entirely possible that she just wants to keep the relationship extremely professional. Of course she should be friendly but not necessarily your friend. Some people have a problem establishing boundaries in a non-offensive way.

If you are uncomfortable with her skills as a therapist then you should look for a new one. Otherwise, I think you should just let it slide and make friends with people who are not professionally engaged with your family.

I'm wondering what it would be like for your daughter to change therapists. I also wonder if she is keeping her distance because the therapy is specifically for your daughter and you sound in need. From reading your past posts, you are looking for support and it may not be in you or your daughter's best interest for this therapist to become friendly with you and be your support. She may have been thinking long term, her boundaries, and the intimacy it creates when she is ( the tiniest bit ) in your debt. Objectivity may be her best ally and she was, in fact, respecting you and your relationship.

Could be she's just a cold fish, but if you think she's excellent with your daughter, please give her the benefit of the doubt.

I would not be hurt, if someone did not want to wait in my home. I would not consider it a person slight against me, rather a personal preference for her. She is a therapist for your daughter, and not a family friend. Therapists are taught not to get emotionally involved with clients. (You and your daughter are a client.) This was probably just a professional boundary with her, and not a personal disliking for you. Remember, she is there for your daughter.

I would imagine responding to personal information from you, would not be a good idea. She is not there to give you therapy. I would not know how to respond to someone apologized for their expression, and then confessing their stress level. Especially, if I was a professional. I would probably seem cold, when I really just didn't have a response. If she is giving your daughter good services, then you should not change therapists. (In my opinion.) Responding to her in a personal manner, suggests you expect too much of her. She is there to do a job. Only. Her job does not include being social, unless that's something she feels comfortable with...and it doesn't sound like it.

Have you considered personal therapy, to deal with the stress. Is there anyone to hold down the fort, so you can get out of the house every once and awhile? Even, just an hour a week? It sounds to me like you need this, and you need someone outside of family to spend time with. Maybe, you could join a group with other parents of autistic children.

You do sound stressed out, as I think you are taking this 'wait in the car' decision way too personally.

Maybe her husband said he would be right over, and something came up and the 'right over' part turned into an hour?

Honestly, you don't really know why she waited in the car. Maybe you keep your house very cold and she wanted to warm up? Maybe she just loves the heat?

I would have walked on out and offered her a lemonade or ice water and reiterated my offer, not sit in the house monitoring her.

You do sound quite needy even expecting some sort of response by telling her you are stressed out and complaining that she did not comfort you.

The bottom line, she is there to do a job, not be your therapist too. Is she or is she not doing her job? Maybe she has an autistic kid and she also is stressed out? There is a whole lot more to this interaction than just your feelings and possible misinterpretations. As you readily admit to your lack of friends.

I hope you will consider some sort of healthy outlet for yourself. Perhaps a parent support group for autism? Perhaps a mindless bunko girls night out? Start a movie club and get out of the house once a month?

Good Luck Hon.

I think that maybe you're reading too much into her actions and what you think she's thinking, and based on your assumptions you're offended. You sort of projected what others have told you in the past onto the therapist, and then some.

No, I would NOT change your daughter's therapist. The therapist did nothing to deserve being fired. She did nothing to actually offend you. I do know how it feels, though... the loneliness and stress and worry and anxiety and knowing that even though there's someone who is there to help and is a specialist, they don't actually understand the same way you do because they're not a PARENT of someone with ASD. And they're not offering up a personal connection, which would be nice because this is your child. I wouldn't view this as a failure on your part or hers... just a lack of connection. As long as she's doing good work with your child and connecting with her.

What I would do is check around at the local schools, pediatric psychiatry offices and pediatric neurology offices and see if they have postings for local Parenting Autism Support Groups. Also look into respite care so that you can get frequent, regular breaks to help detox from the stress and know that your child is in capable hands.

Hi, W.:

I understand your frustration. Professional people are that: Professional.
They don't know how to be personal and professional at the same time in many cases. If she wanted to sit in the car and roast, that was her choice. Maybe she doesn't have interpersonal skills except her professional ones.

Taking out revenge on her because she didn't accept your invitation is unkind.

Those people who say mean things to you may be displacing their anger issues on to you.

It sounds like you have some co-dependency issues. Is there a support group for Co-dependents in your area? How about an Al-Anon support group?

Look for something to go to for yourself to heal your broken heart.

Good luck.
D.

I think it's sad that you have to apologize for being stressed out. Especially to the therapist. She of all people should know how challenging your situation must be for you and cut you some slack.

How is she with your daughter? Do you like the results you get from her, and the treatment she shows to your child? If not then yes, I would consider changing therapists, and finding someone who is better in tuned with your situation and who clicks better.

I wish you the best of luck.

I don't know... I'd be offended too. My friend is a hospice nurse and I guess it's different but she gets to know her families. My daughter had a speech therapist for awhile and we were very friendly. I would want a therapist I felt really comfortable with and could talk to. So I'd say if you think she's a very good therapist and you CAN talk to her about your daughter, then don't fire her over this. If this is a sign of your overall dissatisfaction though bc you don't really like her and you dont' think she necessarily is doing a great job with your daughter, then by all means start looking for someone else. I expect my daughters' teacher to be friendly with me and open to talking about them etc. My kids go to public so if a teacher isn't, I don't get riled up or anything but if I was paying for private school I'd expect more. You're paying for private therapy. I can't imagine not having a comfortable relationship. And i"m so sorry you're stressed so often. You do need some support.

Yes, I would consider getting a different therapist. That said, it may not be an easy thing to do. You do need to be working with someone with whom you feel comfortable.

Please try to not take the way she acts in a personal way. It's not about you. It's the way she is. I suggest that she's that way with everyone.

I am confused as to why you'd be hurt and offended by her not coming into the house. It's her decision. It's what makes her more comfortable. It's not personal. Again, it is just the way she is.

I agree with Odd1. Maybe she is just isn't social. It could just be that to her a job is a job and nothing more. Just a thought... Don't beat yourself up over it. I also agree w/ Everly. You need to find a way to de-stress. You are worth it!

W., I'm seeing this post late, but wanted to write.

What is this woman like with your child? Does she show compassion and kindness? Is she all business or does she have a soft spot for her? When you mentioned that she had no reply to your apology for your expression, it tells me that she isn't all that good at reacting to other people herself. I realize that your daughter being non-verbal most likely means that she won't be able to tell someone in a similar circumstance "no apology necessary - it's easy to be very stressed when your child has trouble communicating"; however, I wonder what else this lady will never teach her because she doesn't do it herself.

It really is awful that she chose to sit in a hot car for over an hour rather than come in your house. What that tells you is that she hates coming to your house to work. Whether she hates it because of you or your daughter, you don't actually know. Quite frankly, I would no longer want her working for me if I were you. I don't understand someone thinking that getting a new therapist is "revenge" for this. It isn't. She has told you (non-verbally) that she would rather boil than put up with you one minute longer than necessary.

I don't know what you are like, since we don't know each other. Perhaps you really do need to put on a friendlier face (like you are worried about), maybe you need to hire respite care in order to get out of the house more and try to find someone to get to know. But I just DON'T believe this is all on YOU, W.. There is something really wrong with what happened here and this is about HER.

If I were you, I'd start interviewing people. Find one you like. Even double up on therapy sessions before you make the decision, and then just switch. You'll be happier. Obviously she will be, too.

Dawn