What to Respond to My 9 Year Old Dauther

I have a 9 yr old in 4th grade and her friends are talking about this. Finally after ignoring it for a while while they talked about so and so being this or that person's boy/girlfriend I said, "do they kiss?" no was the answer. I said, being a friend who is a boy/girl is great, but when you say they are boyfriend-girlfriend you mean they are kissing. They all went, "yuck!" and swore they wanted nothing to do with that. I said, "great, cause you shouldn't think of boys that way until you are at least in 8th grade."

This seemed to solve issues as the girls were relieved and no longer felt it was cool. They started telling their friends what I said.
N.

Hi L.,
I had the same thing happen to me when my daughter was 11. The first thing I did was ask her what her definition of a boyfriend was - if she didn't know, I was prepared to ask her why did she say yes.
She had a "childs" point of view of what a girlfriend was, then I explained to her what it really was in general. I explained that she is ready for male friends but not "boyfriends" and why.
Then I asked her did she know what her friend thought a girlfriend was. She didn't know & I told her to go ask him & see if it's the same thing we talked about. I prepared her for different answers.
These days, I've learned we can never assume what our children know or don't know & we shouldn't punish them for knowing more or less than what we expect them to know. I commend her for coming to you - now encourage her to keep speaking openly to you by helping her define views, & teach her to see others' as well.
I hope this info helps a little

Most "relationships" at that age fizzle in a few days to 2 weeks. The thing that's worrysome is the fact that you didn't take the time your daughter needed when she needed, especially when you work sooo much.

L.,
Don't stress out about it. It's innocent at this age. Don't let her go over to his house unless you are there as well or if you know his mother really well. If they spend time at your house then just make sure they aren't in a room with closed doors. Also tell her how proud you are that she told you about him. Ask her to tell you more about him & act supportive. Then tell her how a nice boyfriend should treat a girl & to make sure that she won't tolerate a boy who isn't nice. I know it seems young to talk about such things, but I think it's important for girls to know that they don't have to put up with poor behavior. They should expect and want to be treated with respect from all of their friends, boys & girls, at any age.

You didn't have any grade-school crushes or "romances"? It's not a real boyfriend. They're not going to go to the movies or out to dinner. It just means that at school, they sit with each other for lunch and play on the playground. And because they're opposite genders and obviously have a crush on each other, they decided to call themselves a couple. Just remind her that at school, displays of affection are against the rules: No holding hands, kissing, hugging, etc. It's completely harmless! Unless they start making the physical contact above. We all had the grade-school "boyfriend" where I went, and it was just something for everyone to make fun of everyone else for. This is a time your daughter's developing her emotions and learning to analyze them in the context of what she already knows. My daughter's 7 and has had about 5 boyfriends since kindergarten. 3 of them are adults that she was crushing on for quite a few years. They were teen neighbors at the time, and in those few years now they've become adults. I don't worry about it because I know she's not going on dates and all. When she asks when she gets to actually date, I tell her it depends on her maturity and grades. So if I was you, I'd just ask what her boyfriend's name is, what he's like, why she likes him... It gets her thinking about what's important once you start probing the deeper parts of attraction and relationships. Oh, and ask if she knows how his grades are, too. She'll see that you're willing to communicate. That will be VERY important when she gets older and has a real boyfriend. Good luck!

M.

L.,

Ahhh and so it begins. And at the young age of 9! At this age they really don't know what boyfriend/girlfriend is. I would let it happen, as long as it's limited to school time and maybe phone calls at home. No alone time.
It's great that your daughter felt she could confide in you. Keep that open line of communication! It will be useful when she's in her teens and REALLY needs to confide in you.
As to what to tell her will depend on how you feel about it. You have already told her that she's too young but at this age it's innocent as long as you set boundries.
Just be there to heal the broken heart when it ends.
Good Luck!

L.,

On one hand, I see your point about being in shock. She is young, and you can never be too careful. Kids are moving faster at a younger age than ever before. On the other, I remember being young and "in love" in gradeschool. Most times, having a boyfriend means you have declared it to the other 9-year olds around you...not that you actually go anywhere or do anything. In general I believe that if you tell kids thay CAN'T do something, they'll do it just to spite you.

In general, I believe there is no better remedy than to be involved & talk to your kids. Be honest & realize they know more than we realize. If she is taught well to respect herself & kept to age appropriate things, she will expect the same of others. Set ground rules of what this "relationship" means & talk about her feelings.

Good Luck!

Ask her what being "boyfriend and girlfriend" mean. It may be as innocent as saving a seat in the cafeteria or borrowing a pencil in class. If it is innocent, just let it be.

If she seems nervous about rumors or perceived expectations, you need to address those immediately. Self respect and safety in a group can't be taught too early. She is too young to be alone with a boy at any time. Talk to the moms of your daughters friends, and the "boyfriend's" mom to ensure there is always adult supervision.

L., I agree that it is great that your daughter shared with you that she has a "boyfriend". It is interesting that she said she had been hiding it?? Why would she hide it? When you casually talk with her about it I would ask, "What does it mean when you have a boyfriend?" Find out what that means to her. It could be very innocent but you always want to know what she is thinking. When our children are with other children we don't always know what the other child's home experience is like and it may include some things that are not what we want our children to be exposed to.

I would explain it is okay for a boy to be a friend but boyfriends are for when you are much older. Spend as much time with her as you can and let her know you love her and she can tell you anything. Express to her what friends really are--people who care abut you, don't make you do things you don't want to, want to have a good time with you, don't make fun of you, etc.

You sound very sensitive and thoughtful. Good luck. A.

L., I had this issue last year, in 3rd grade. I was a bit shocked. What make it a little bizarre was it was reciprocated by the girl and it lasted and lasted--all year until she went away to summer camp. Many of my friends told me I was crazy not to stop it and others said leave it be. Only you know your child. I talked to the other parents and we decided to leave it alone. I know they kissed because my son told me. In our case I was afraid to make too big a deal out of it and pique their curiousity. So we just watched them very carefully and had some very open discussions with my son. In some ways it was nice because he had some early lessons on respecting all girls and how they should be treated differently than his friends who are boys. And if both of them didn't want to kiss then one of them was wrong to force the other. By the way everyone, it isn't always the boy pushing the girl! Not a discussion I wanted with a third grader but...

Like I said, everyone's child is different and how you handle it depends on her and the boy. BUT, I agree that communication is key.

Helllllpppppp, my 9 yr speaks on the phone with her little friend and i heard him say to her that when she kisses him he wants her to turn off the light so he can tell her he loves her, um i dont know what to do. I told her they are too young and no i diddnt yell at her or him i just told them its not time, but im afradi now, since his grandma wants to take them both out to eat pizza or whatever but um i dont think i want to be a grandma at such an early age in her life or mine ughhhhh helllppp