What Should I Do? My Husband Is Making Me Miserable

Updated on July 02, 2012
C.Q. asks from Oakley, CA
21 answers

I'm not 100% sure whats really going on but my husband is very mad at me. He said he feels like I am emotionally cheating on him with my best friend which is completely absurd. He says he fells like i tell her everything and that I don't care about him. All of these things are completely ridiculous. I've told him he's being ridiculous, that I love him more than anyone on this world and always have. but now, he is completely refusing to talk to me. He keeps saying he doesn't have an problem, to give him some space, and leave him alone. But I only get to see him for a few hours in the evenings and on weekends so that time I do have with him is very precious to me. And now that he is ignoring me, (Which he is only doing because he knows how much it bothers me.) and pretending i'm not here, I am feeling very emotional and crazy. I cannot stand being ignored, my gramma used to ignore me for weeks at a time when i was a child, sometimes even longer, and he's purposely trying to get to me which i would NEVER do to him. I tried leaving to go to grammas (we've talked out our issues and are VERY VERY close now ) to give him some space and he got upset and accused me of trying to keep our girls from him. So, since that was completely not what i was trying to do and i didn't want him to think that, I turned around and came home. Now I am sitting on the couch in my room trying to figure out how to deal with this. What would you do if you were me?

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So What Happened?

I just want to say that I ALWAYS try to connect with him I call him throughout the day to tell him I love him, I try to tell him everything that goes on all the time, I try to talk to him as much as possible and make sure he is not left out of anything. He only just recently started opening up to me about his work and his problems at work. The wierdest thing is that I have been REALLY happy lately. I felt very secure in my relationship with my hubby, i have close girlfriends now to talk to to take some of the strain of my stresses off him, we have my family now who is very supportive of us. I am VERY happy. Up until 2 days ago i thought everything was perfect. Then this has to go and slap me in the face.

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answers from New York on

Have you read the five languages of love?
Can you get him to take the quiz? You cannot take it for him!
I'm guessing he feels unloved because you do not know his "love language"
Let him know he has two choices; work on the marriage to his wife, his children's mother OR separate from his wife, his children's mother.
Let him know you choose to work on this marriage.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

Either you have been emotionally cheating or he has a big problem. Maybe he really does need some attention (in a healthy way) and is that so bad?
Or he may be setting the stage for something else. Making plans to present problems. Which is weird, but does happen.
Tell him when he's ready to talk and listen you'll be available. And just tell him you didn't know he felt this way. etc.
It usually not a good thing to tell a person they're being ridiculous about their feelings or thoughts even when you think they are.
Try to stay in good spirits and keep positive thoughts going.

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answers from Portland on

Instead of telling him he's ridiculous tell him you're sad that he feels that way. Let him tell you how he feels and why without you defending yourself. Then ask him what he'd like for you to do. Have several discussions over time to work out a compromise.

It's most important that you validate his feelings. Doing so is not admitting guilt or that you agree. It's letting him know that his feelings are important to you and that you're willing to work on making the situation better.

It's also important to not allow his accusations to get you down. You need to be an independent woman who loves her husband but who will not allow herself to be miserable because of his feelings. You are two separate individuals and will only have a good relationship when you're both able to make your own happiness.

I suggest that the two of you have a co-dependent relationship. There are many good books that can help you understand and work on changing the relationship to a healthier one. Just google co-dependent relationships.

If visiting your grandma will help you to feel better then go. Take care of yourself, first so that you'll have the energy to take care of your family.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Your husband shared his deep feelings with you, and your response was to tell him that he was being ridiculous.

I think you should apologize to him for calling his feelings ridiculous, tell him you are happy that he wants to be emotionally close with you, and ask him what he wants you to do differently.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from La Crosse on

He told you his problem. You told him he was wrong.

Well no he isn't wrong. He feels this way, its his feelings and you are shutting them down. That is what is wrong with him. He opened up to you and then you dismissed his feelings.

Whether you do go to her or not about everything... he feels like you do. How would you feel if he did something and you finally opened up to him and all he did was shoot you down and told you that he didn't do those things? It would hurt. He is hurt.

You need to tell him your sorry that he is feeling that way ( acknowledge his feelings) and tell him you will stop leaning on her so much and you will work hard to start going to him for things from now on.

Sometimes we do things with out realizing and we need someone else to point it out. I'm not saying you are doing this, but for some reason he feels you are. It time to turn the tables some and make him happy.

Good luck.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

You need to realize when he's pouting like child.
Ignore him when he's got that attitude.
You are feeling all emotional because he's manipulating you.
As long as you let him, he's going to jerk you around.
It's weird, but in order to gain some stability, you are going to have to do almost exactly what he's accusing you of doing - withdraw a bit from him emotionally (but don't be leaning on your best friend).
Have the self assurance to not question yourself when he's throwing a temper tantrum.
If/when he grows up, consider marriage counseling.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Okay, the pouting and silent treatment is pretty childish on his part. Though he DID try to tell you how he was feeling and you told him he was being ridiculous. So maybe he feels like his got nothing left to say to you.
You two sound REALLY young. If I were you I would arrange for a sitter (trade with another mom if money is tight) and plan a date night. You need to sit down like two adults and talk about what's going on, without the kids around, and really listen to what he has to say. Women often get so fixated on their children and home that they forget their husbands need some love and attention too. Marriage takes maturity, commitment and above all else, COMPROMISE. If you attend church I highly recommend you check out their services and offerings. Most churches offer counseling and/or classes for married couples at little or no cost, and that in itself can be very helpful.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Indianapolis on

You referred to his feelings as 'ridiculous'. He is clearly hurt. YOU may not understand how he feels. But you need to step outside yourself and try to see it from HIS side. My husband is my best friend. And I'm his. We'd both be crushed if we felt like the other person shared more with someone else. Tell him that you're ready to listen whenever he wants to talk. He'll eventually come around. Then you need to let him speak without interruption or judgement.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

You need to quit getting pulled into HIS drama.

When your children in your care act like this, what do you do? Give them attention, or give them time alone.

I usually listen to what they say and repeat it to them. Then I ask THEM, what are you going to do about these feelings?

He feels a certain way, you respond I in a truthful way, validating you heard him.. Then ask him, what are you going to do about this? I love my friend. And I am not picking her over you, I will always love you the most.

But she is my friend and that will not end.

People that try to control you by making you drop family or friends are actually emotionally controlling and abusing you.

There is something else going on here, and your husband needs to be a grown up and spit it out. He is acting like a 4 year old. I am emberassed for him.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I'd leave the kids with him for a few hours and go see Magic Mike :-)
Heck, I might even pick up my best friend to go with me!

Seriously, he is not ignoring you; he is pouting. Besides that, he wants an audience for his pout, which is exactly what a child would do. He told you that he wants to be left alone and get over it, which is a wish that you should respect. Give him a day to get himself in order, but don't sit home waiting for him to put his happy face on. Tell him that you are respecting his wish for some itme alone and will be gong on with the regular course of life and will be going out for a bit. Ask if he'd rather you take the kids with you or whether he'd like to spend the evening alone with them. Then pack yourself up with or without kids and go have a fun evening somewhere. Also, consider whether there is any validity to his complaint.

Once he's back in his happy pants, you can discuss communication wth him, as well as his jealousy of your best friend (or of you over-sharing with your BFF...whichever seems closer to the truth.). Until he gets over his pout, there's no point in tryint to talk to him...just like with a child having a tantrum.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

if i told someone i loved why I was hurt and they told M. I was crazy I might shut down for a little while too. I think you need to restart the discussion and both be honest. you don't have to agree with him to hear him and work on things

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Erie on

I'd leave him with the kids and go away to think for a while. I also think he's accusing you of cheating because he feels guilty about something he has done. So yeah, give him some space, with the added responsibility of taking care of the kids by himself. Keep your cell on and answer the phone any time he calls, but stay away for a good long while today or go to your grandmother's overnight.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

Oh good grief.
Tell him to grow up.
And he is such a Drama dude.
And manipulative.
Seems like, before, you didn't have friends or family nearby or a social life. And, it seems to me... that he is just irked, that YOU have a life now, and that you have friends/your supportive family nearby/and you are HAPPY. Now.
And you are not just revolving around, Him.
So he is irked.
And... he cannot realize, that a girlfriend is not the same as a husband. And that, people, have friends.
Does HE have friends?
You can't just live in a bubble and be only revolving around him.
He feels insecure... because you have other interests and other people to talk to. So he tells you that you are emotionally cheating on him.
Oh good grief!

You are both adults.
If his idea of improving things is for you to end or cut off your friendships and social life... then that is, controlling of him. And wrong. And, dysfunctional.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Lincoln on

Sounds to me that maybe he is not happy with himself. Have you tried asking him flat out if he even wants to be with you anymore? I think that is pretty silly too for a man to be jealous of another woman. Us girls need girlfriends! We cannot tell our husbands everything! Tell him to stop acting like a child and get over it. If he has something to say, then just say it, dont give you the silent treatment or pretend you are not there. My ex used to do that to me all the time too, then i found out he wanted a divorce, but his way of dealing with it was ignoring me... good luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I don't have the energy to respond to your entire post--sorry--but I do want to say that yoiu should NEVER tellhim that eh is being ridiculous when he tells you how your behavior makes him feel. Even if you think that he is being ridiculous, it's not okay to invalidate his feelings. You are essentially blowing him off, and that's not okay, especially when he is sharing a concern. We women complain about how men shoot back at us with, "Oh, you're crazy," when we express to them how their behavior makes us feel. Well, you're doing the same to him. People feel like they don't really matter in so many areas of their lives--oftentimes work, which is where we spend a good portion of our time. In our marriages, we want to feel like we matter, like our feelings matter, like we have purpose. It sets the tone for how we approach the world.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I think I would try a note. If he won't read that, then wait it out? I don't know. I do know that I hate being ignored and I can imagine the stress in the household. Sorry this is happening. Sounds like hubby is jealous of your bff - maybe you should give that relationship a little space until you get hubby straightened out.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Spartanburg on

This all sounds really familiar to me...is he bipolar (or could be)? The emotional manipulation, the confusion they instill in their loved ones due to their abnormal vision of reality can be really painful and unsettling. It's not the things, it's their way to take them in. Does he balme you a lot for absurd things? Does he give you dirty looks or the cold shoulder for things you don't see? I hope I am wrong here, but he does sound like he could be bipolar. A lot.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

it's hard to fathom. he's either very, very immature, or he's having a mini emotional break.
does he suffer from depression, or bi-polar syndrome?
i would tell him, very calmly and clearly, that he has two choices. either you and the girls stay, and he actively engages with you and works this out, which would include counseling. or you leave and give him space and he deals with being without the girls for a while. if he needs space from his wife, he's not in a place to be a healthy dad.
then do it.
you can't fix him. but you need to do what's best for you and the girls.
hope this is a momentary glitch, a minor fit of adolescent pique.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

He sounds insecure. Or he's trying to guilt you into something for some reason. Tell him to get over it!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Since I've read your "so what happened" I'm hoping this will blow over. Tell him you're sorry and that you won't share personal information with the bestie. Then give him a special night, favorite dinner, maybe a cocktail, then a massage etc etc... wink wink. Sometimes men need extra attention like everyone else. Lay it on and hopefully things go back to normal since you seem so happy.



answers from Jacksonville on

You mention that he only recently started opening up to you about his problems at work...who did he go to before? Does he have a close friend to talk to? He may be resentful of the fact that you have made close friends when he hasn't. Or maybe he feels that he opened up and you're not being supportive enough (is your friend having issues that he thinks you may be more supportive about?)? Or maybe since he's not your "sole support" anymore (since you have close girlfriends and family), he feels less helpful to you...thus the "emotional cheating" accusation.

I'm coming at this from your husband's point of view because sometimes I feel like my husband is "emotionally cheating" on me with his best friend from childhood (he's currently playing video games with him online while i'm browsing the internet after getting the kids to bed). In fact, I jokingly (most of the time) refer to his best friend as husband's "girlfriend." Yeah, it hurts my feelings that he talks to his friend for several hours at night, when we could be spending time together. But, in the end, I know that he needs "guy time" (especially when stressed) and that my husband does love me above all.

If I were you, I would give him some space and let him pout. Validate his feelings, and tell him you'd like to talk about it when he's ready. It just makes me mad when I tell my husband that I feel like he's spending more time with his friend than with me, and he tells me I'm crazy. I feel better when he tells me he's sorry I feel that way and that we should talk. :)

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