What Can I Do to Help

That's so tragic. I had a friend who lost a baby, she needed people to tell her it wasn't her fault. But until you can get there, there are other things. As Toni and Julia and others have said, the meals are a great idea. I lost my "first baby" recently--my brother actually, but from the time he was a baby he was "mine." I have three girls now, and this is how I know I loved him like I love them.

When he died two years ago, I didn't want to be with people or talk to people or take a shower, or even get out of bed. And I didn't want people to see me that way. But to leave a meal on the doorstep regularly would make me feel as though someone who's a real friend cared.

I did have some close friends who did things like that and gradually were always there for me, no matter how strangely I acted, no matter how much I subconsciously lashed out--they were always coming back with more help, never taking offense, never pushing but just always there. I don't think I would have gotten through it if they hadn't been so "there" and so undemanding at the same time.

Hi R., I would have to say that if this happened to my family I would retreat into my own world until I felt ready to move forward. I, as a friend of someone going through this, one of the most horrible things I can imagine, I would let them come to me since they requested to be left alone. I pictured the scene, Your friend and her husband, months from now finally are having a moment of joy, maybe a shared giggle while doing something around the house and then comes a call from a concerned friend or family memeber, bringing back the pain in a quick call meant just to give support. I would send a letter by mail, just saying
"Hi, I wanted you to know that I love you". No requests, no mention of memories, just a note saying that you are here, holding space. There will come a time when you can once again support your friend, but now is probably not the time.

Hi R.,

Oh, I wept when I read your post! Your poor, poor friend. I too, would want to retreat. I think even a card or note or something would just be too much to bear for me. I think Toni G's idea about bringing them meals is a really great one. That way you are helping with a very fundamental need that is probably furthest from their mind right now. I mean, the last thing they want to be doing is cooking. But at the same time you are letting them have their space. I imagine seeing their friends with children is just too painful and would respect their request for time.

Sincerely,
A.

Hi R.,

What about making them a few dinners that you can drop off a few times a week so they don't have to cook or go out. Ask them to make a grocery list so you can pick up groceries at the market. I had a friend with a son who had a terminal illness. I would drop off a basket of fruit, cookies, sentiments, etc. on their door step. They can retrieve it at their leisure and it brightened up their day in a small way. When they know that they have people who support them and really care, it makes all the difference. What a sad story.

I LOVE Dee's idea of sending a note. To add on... MUCH LATER... there is a group called HeartFelt and my best friend used to belong... she lost her baby too. This is a very tough time and know that the mom is blaming herself BIG TIME! I know I would be!
Just let them know that you are there. That's about all you can do right now unfortunately.

i think the best thing to do is let them have their time. if you want to send flowers that should be ok. give them a couple weeks before you call then ask if theres anything you can do to help. thats a very hard situation to be in. i have a 1 year old little girl and a pool also. we have a 3ft high gate but that wont keep her out for long. she is never left alone to play even when i have to goto the restroom unless theres someone else in the room with her... thankfully she hasnt learned to open that door yet. im sorry for their loss!

Aloha R.,

It makes me cry everytime I hear of parents loosing their children. I just could not imagine loosing my precious little ones (I have twin 4yr old girls). Each morning I thank the Lord for one more day with them, and each night I pray that He would keep them safe through the night.

Do they have a church family? Is there a pastor or spiritual counselor that can minister to them? (If they don't, this isn't the time to "pressure" them about it.) But I would imagine they must have questions of God if not possibly even be angry with Him for "allowing" this to happen.

Perhaps you can pray for them and just let them know you are there and are praying for them. Give them the space but keep the prayers going. Our loving God hears and answers each prayer. (It may not be the answer we want, but it is always the answer we need.) I will pray for them too.

I am deeply sorry for your friends loss.

On Bended Knees,
B.

there is a support group called THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS and it is geared towards parents who have lost their children (as well as grandparents and siblings of that child). i attend the meetings (los angeles chapter) because my family lost my brother in 2005. it has been very helpful for myself, mom & brother. she can google the info to try and locate one in her area. private message me if she has any problems locating a chapter.

rah

What heartbreak for that family. I would honor her request,for privacy,but, I do like the idea, of making a dish and or dessert,and dropping it off. I wouldn't even go inside,if asked.I would say,Thank you, but I have the kids waiting for me at home. I made this in hopes,that you hadn't planned dinner,and it would save you from having to cook tonight.That would be nice.They would then know, that you weren't trying to infringe,but simply thinking of them and how you could help.My prayers to your friends,and to you for being there for them.