Toddler Screaming at Restaurant

You are correct in not wanting to condition her to scream to get what she wants in public and I wish (as a 50 y/o) that more parents were concerned about screaming kids. Try taking a favorite toy to distract her or a small container of a few finger foods (Cherios?) to keep her busy. If that doesn't work, it might be a little more hassle for you, but take her outside for a few minutes (to walk on the sidewalk?) to take her mind off what she is demanding. Rinse and repeat as necessary.

Distract her with something else. A toy perhaps, or crayons and paper. She might be able to start learning how to scribble. Let her play with a napkin or a spoon. If that doesn't work, remove her from the scene. Pick her up, walk around with her. It's warm enough now that you can just go outside for a quick breather. After she calms down, go back in. Be firm with her and don't give in.

It will get better, you're right, it's just her age.

Yes, she is too young to understand discipline, but she is not too young to understand simple rules: We eat in restaurants. We scream outside. Dr. Karp, in The Happiest Toddler on the Block, suggests that toddlers want you to understand them. If you can repeat back what you're "hearing" them say--in their "language"--they do not need to scream or throw a tantrum. Basically, it's like a fast-food worker reading back your order to you to be sure you understand each other.

Of course, he adds that meltdowns and screaming happen when they're hungry, bored, or tired, so you have to make sure they're fed, stimulated, and rested.

We've been doing this with our daughter (18 m.o.) for several months, and it really works with her. We give her crackers or a snack to take the edge off in restaurants (I get cranky, too, when I can smell and see the food but can't have any yet!) then say, "Iris wants to eat! Want to eat NOW! NOW, NOW, NOW!!" or whatever I feel she's trying to say. She stops, looks at me like, "hey, you GET me!!" and nods her head yes. When I have her attention and she's calmed down, I say, "Iris wants to eat, but we don't have our food yet. You can have some crackers if you'd like, or we can go outside until you're calm. Restaurants are for eating, and outside is for screaming."

Hope that helps!

My daughter had this problem also. At the first hint of screaming, I would pick her up and take her outside. I would tell her that screaming disturbs people in restaurants, and that this was not OK, that she needed to settle down so we could go back in with daddy. After a while, I could just say (at the first hint of crying), "we'll have to go outside!" and she would get herself under control. She was a pretty "easy" child, so this might not work for everyone, but it did work for her, and now that my kids are older, I appreciate it when other people take screaming kids out.

Discipline simply means training a child to limits and order and teaching them to control themselves. It is not the same as punishment, which is a very difficult concept to grasp as a toddler.

I had situations like this with my son at grocery stores. If he was not able to control himself, I let him know that I would have to take control of the situation by removing him from the store. I once left a cart half full of groceries and simply walked out, tipping a clerk and asking him to return the items to the shelves. We went home and satisfied ourselves with what we found in our kitchen that day. It only took a couple of times for my son to learn that he only got some of what he asked for if he was able to control himself.

The most important thing to understand about a toddler is that the logic functions of the brain are not ready to understand anything but "now". "Later" is not a concept they are able to grasp. If they do not get a response "now", they often feel powerless and/or uncared for. Whenever I had to remove my son from a public situation, I did so without any harsh repremand or scolding. I told him that I was sorry he did not yet know how to be a shopper (or a restaurant customer in your case). But, then I told him we would practice at home so he could be more successful next time. Learning patience, effective communication, and social courtesies does not come easily and is ultimately more important than a meal at a restaurant.

You might try playing restaurant at home, or taking your child to a restaurant just just to practice. This way you have complete control of the situation and will not be tempted to become emotional because of other social pressures to stay beyond the child's endurance. If you tell the waiter/waitress that you are there so your child can learn how to behave in a restaurant, he/she will probably want to tip you! I'll bet they wish all parents would do that! I would just have them bring me the box-to-go in advance so that I could make a quick escape if necessary. I would also ask if I could pay in advance so I would not have to struggle with that and a screaming child simultaneously.

Once you achieve success with just the two of you, you can bring a third person, so she can learn to handle the situation while sharing your attention.

This is just one of many situations we face as mothers. Have a plan whenever possible. It helps to think ahead and know how you will respond.

If you have picked the right time of day, and brought distractions like toys etc and you feel she is doing it solely to get her way, or just doesn't understand to not scream then you are left with one and only one option in that situation it is to leave.

Your daughter has to know it is not acceptable and you will not give in just because it is inconvenient. I have 4 kids and during the toddler years had to do this with each.Some of them younger than others (my 3rd child knew exactly what he was doing at that age). If your food is there get a take out box, head to the bathroom or car (private place) and tell her what will happen if she continues to make this choice. If she doesn't stop then gracefully put your food in the box and leave. I don't believe children have a choice about how they behave in this situation. They can choose what dish, what drink but not how to behave. I assure you depending on her tempermant you may have to do this more than once but she will get the point. It is embarressing but the long term effects on your daughter are worth the moment.
Good luck:)

It has been 30 years since I my daughter was the age of your daughter and the way that my husband and I dealt with that (taking her out of the restaurant and swatting her behind) would probably get you reported to the authorities these days. But it worked for us and she quickly learned what going outside and "talking it over by hand" meant and she only had to be warned to behave in restaurants.
From the standpoint of a older adult who no longer has small children around, if you do not immediately take your screaming toddler out of the restaurant you are not being fair to the other patrons. Children that cannot sit and converse quietly and eat do not belong in restaurants. I suggest that you leave your daughter with a sitter while you and your husband enjoy a date. When she is a bit older and can understand better how she is expected to behave in restaurants, then she can join you and your husband dining in public.
I apologize for being so blunt, but my husband and I have to eat in restaurants a lot because our work requires us to travel. After a long day working, we like to enjoy a quiet dinner and we have found that there is less noise in bars than in most family restaurants. Neither my husband or I drink so we are not eating in bars for the alcohol.
Good luck with your precious daughter. Enjoy her while she is little because they do grow up so fast. But grown daughter's can also be wonderful.

13 months old is NOT to young for discipline or to understand what it is. Let her understand it is not okay to scream in a public eating place or store and follow thru on whatever kind of discipline that you choose to do. Be consistant. I commend you on actually wanting to discipline her in public. Most parents won't do that and then they look like bad parents for not. I know several families that others don't want to be around because they refuse to discipline in front of other people or in public places. Good for you. Just be consistant. God Bless and Good Luck. This too shall pass.

S. you have had a lot of really good advice.I have been in the industry for almost 10 years and I have been on all sides of that situation. I would definatly take toys and snacks with you. Unfortunately they don't always work. My son is the same age and I have swatted his but or leg before (just light enough to show your not playing). They also understand if you look at them in a stern way. All my fiance has to do is give ours a look and they know. I'm not the best at it but it can work. They do understand discipline. However you choose to do it is your choice. And you can take her to the car or the restroom if you want privacy. This is the age that they start to push their limits as far as they can. We just need to let them kow where they stop. Good luck.

Make sure you engage her as much as you can ( in restaurants conversation sometimes excludes the toddler.) Also, anticipate her needs - give her stuff befor she needs it - a bread stick, a toy you brought for entertainment. Also, at home practive signing - more, please, etc so she can ask for what she needs without screaming. We are right in the middle of this right now too - it just takes work.

My youngest did the same thing at that age and we would simply take her outside and sit on the curb or in the car and tell her very patiently that when she is done screaming we will go back in. There were occasions that we were unable to go back in before the rest of the family was finished eating. It took several times of this but eventually she figured out that she wasn't going to get a serious reaction out of anyone, wasn't going to get what she wanted, and she wasn't going to get to finish eating if she continued (although, I didn't get to enjoy my meals either and my patients grew very thin). My family would just have my food boxed up and I would eat later. While it was a major inconvenience, it didn't take long to correct the problem and we can now enjoy our meals in a restaurant. Good Luck!

Hi S., my husband or I would take our youngest outside the restaurant no matter the weather -rain, snow, freezing, or scorching hot. Unfortunately, he was a screamer (the kind of screams that make your faucets ring in the bathroom-can you imagine?). It didn't take him long to stop. And it's only polite to the other customers too. Good luck!

Unfortunately with this mixed up society these days. You can't swat her in the restaurant. But I would take her to the car and swat her. You can't "reason" with her at this age.

Trust me - she will know what discipline is. It's an automatic learning thing.

:)

S., from the time my daughter was born we were going to public places, such as you described. At about a year old she also began to cry and scream. I was at my wits end, I had no idea why this was happening and I did not know how to stop it. My mother suggested training sessions with me and my daughter. I spent about 4 days over 2 weeks with her in public places. The minute she started in with it I would say "No" and hope she stopped. When she didnt I would say it again and tell her that we were going to leave is she did not stop. When she didnt, I would pick her up and we left! She would get even more upset but eventually she learned the cause the effect. I chose places like MCdonalds so we could leave in a hurry, I did not buy anything in the grocery stores, I just put her in the cart and walked around. The training was good for both of us and it Worked!! I followed through and she learned that her behavior had consequences. Eating our with the family became fun again.

I would definitely NOT swat your child. But screaming in a restaurant is a tough one because the best thing you can do is remove her from the situation - which is probably a relief to her! If going out to eat is something you love to do as a family, you have to train your daughter to behave, but you and your husband have to be fair and understanding. At her age, you need to go to restaurants with quick service - or even better, buffets. The experience should be short and sweet and positive. Don't expect this to be a completely relaxing time where you can sit and chat. Save those experiences for when it's just you and your husband. As your daughter gets older, she will gain an understanding that food will not instantly appear on her plate and a restaurant is a place where the family sits and enjoys each others company for a while.

You do have to teach a child how to behave in a restaurant. How do you do that if you don't take them to a restaurant? I recommend taking them & teaching them from the time they are little how to behave in all situations. No, it's not an easy thing to teach, but these are the formative years. It's far more annoying to sit around teens or adults with no manners than it is to sit in a restaurant with parents & their little ones that are trying to teach them how to behave. I at least have hopes for them. The teens & adults may never learn how to behave! Distract them with other things, coloring, playing a game, a special toy, crackers, a quiet song, finger plays, etc. Yes, you might have to take them out of their seat & hold them while waiting for your food to come. You may have to walk around with them for a few minutes even. But you are teaching them how to behave. Because we went to church every Sunday as well, we had quiet time at home to teach that sometimes we can run & play & be crazy, but sometimes it's quiet time to sit & look at books, play with quiet toys, even made a quiet book for them to play with. Parenting is more than just surviving, it's about teaching & training, & that training HAS to start when they are very young. I don't think we thought of it as discipline as much as training & teaching. They learn all their values in those first 4-5 yrs & a LOT of their behaviors you'll realize were set in place at that same time. Enjoy that you can take them to a restaurant!

13 months is awful young to start discipline- i think a timeout might work for some kids but most at 13 months just wouldn't understand. our tactic has always been distraction. we rarely go out to eat with our (now 20 month) son, but when we do, and especially when he was younger, i had to keep in mind that he's not used to just "sitting around" a table and waiting 20 or 30 minutes for food. i brought books, toys, whatever i could think of (his favorite are the special cars we only get to play with when we're out somewhere) to keep him occupied. and of course, his sippy cup. i don't know if you get her her own plate (he always ate off ours at that age) but healthy snacks that could tide her over would be good too. crackers, cheerios, etc. i rarely had any outbursts from him, by keeping him entertained this way. just my thoughts!

Hi S.! I went through this with my, now 20 month old, son. I just became so frustrated myself, that we really stopped going out to restaurants for about 4 months. (Unless the were REALLY kid friendly, like Red Robin.) That can get a little mundane, I know. But now that he can communicate his needs a little better, he is great at restaurants. I have leared to order his food immediately, before I even pick up the adult menu. Crayons and cars have become our friend. I have also asked the server for bread or crackers to keep his little fingers and mouth occupied. Now that it is warm outside we have visited a few outdoor cafes. He loves that - the constant commotion of people and we always try to sit near an area where we can see cars going by, yet another distraction. I am not a firm believer in swatting. At this age kids cannot communicate exactly what they want, I do not feel right punishing them for that.
Good luck!

my husband and I always keep a backpack with activities and toys in the car. When we go to the resturant, we just grab the backpack and my son sits quietly and plays with his toys. We have done this since he was about 15 months old. It helps a lot, plus my husband and I can then have a conversation with each other since my son is busy. Since we don't go out to eat often with my son, the toys are like "new things" for him. IT may have been a month since he has seen the toys, so he gets excited about seeing them. We also throw in some of his favorite books too. We used to keep cheerios or gerber puffs in there too, so he would have a small snack while waiting for food. Another thing you can do is ask the waiter/waitress to bring their food out sooner than yours so you can go ahead and start feeding them which should help on any meltdowns. The only other thing I can suggest is that one of us would get up and take him outside for a few minutes to walk around then come back in and usually the food would be there by then. Hope this helps.

They are never to young for discipline(definition-a branch of instruction or learning ; to act in accordance with rules)You have to be consistent with the rules. If you do not wish to allow screaming in restaurant today, that rule must be consistent constantly. We would simply take our kids out to the foyer, bathroom, car if need be until they calmed down. When they did calm down I would talk in a calm voice and address the situation, after you eat your vegtable you can have ice cream. Then we would go back in to the table. If it happened again we would leave. If your consistent with your rules they learn quick. I have a rule about being courteous in the car, when the kids (all boys)would act up I would warn them once, if they did it again I would pull over to the side of the rode. I have only pulled over twice with my kids! I also drove a van for a daycare center. I kept the same rule there, the kids were acting up and I gave them one warning, I also told them that if they did not stop I would pull over to the side of the road. My oldest said "she will do it". Of course the did not believe it so they started in again and I promptly pulled over (in a safe and courteous manner) to the side of the road. This time a police officer pulled in behind us to see if he could be of assistance. I simply stated to him that the kids were rowdy and I warned them once then pulled over. He understood and told me to take as much time as I needed. After he left you could hear a pin drop.
We got back to the center late and of course had to explain to the director why we were late. From that time on every one knew I meant what I said.

I skimmed through the other responses and just thought I would add a couple of things.

I wouldn't advocate swatting for a couple of reasons...It hurts - and the natural reaction when hurt is to cry- which only ADDS to the noise issue. (And then I see parents hit the kid again for crying) I think of discipline as 'teaching' and I am not sure what hitting a child teaches - other than that big people hit to get their way.

It may be effective in 'stopping a behavior' but I think discipline goes beyodn that. (Evenually the kid has to figure out about how to behave when there isn't the threat of a swats)

I agree with the people who suggest distraction and leaving....

A couple of other things---pick rest. that are more kid friendly. Pick times of day when your child is likely to be cooperative - and consider not taking her if she is STARVING. Ask the server if you can get something for her right away-- a glass of milk, some crackers etc. (as the wait can be hard) Perhaps you could even call ahead to place an order to be ready when you arrive (depending on the rest.)

I would try and keep sending the message that 'we can't be loud and bother other people' ...along with an understanding that it is 'hard to wait' etc....

I know that it can be quiet frustrating to not be able to enjoy a meal - if you have to excuse yourself with the kiddo----so also consider trying to also get out w/out her.......

I know my Dh and I had great problems with the kids at church. He was always expected to behave (and probably threatening wiht a beating) - and didn't really know anything else. BUT he went to church regularly - saw his siblings behaving etc....Our kids didn't go regularly and didn't 'know' the behavior exepcted and had to learn. (We also figured out with that one that the kids did best if they could actually see what was going on at the front of the church --- as opposed to the backes of people's heads) Sometimes you just have to look at things from their point of view to see how to make it work better too!

She will learn - it just takes patience and practice. And if you move swiftly there will be a min. of disruption to others in the rest. And I have found that most fellow diners will accept a brief problem - if they see you are 'handling' it (as opposed to the 'ignore it' route -which doesn't seem to do much good)

S., I understand what you are going through. I went through this with my oldest and learned to be prepared for those trips to a nice sit down restaurants.
Your daughter is bored and its hard for them to sit still for such a peroid of time, pack little extra in your diaper bag and/keep items in your car such as color books, crayons, little finger food, crackers and such. My boys are 8 and 2 and but my butt I still keep such things in my car for them to do while sitting and waiting on there meal to be brought out. Also she is still little but giving in to easy can cause more conflicts later, talk to her about what she is doing is wrong, she may not quit understand now but she will if we talk to them as though they do understand. And involve her into conversation to keep her attention going, let her have a menu while you and your husband are looking at yours and let her blab/talk about what she would like. If need be take her out to the car away from public view and have a strong voice explaining why we dont act like that.
Discipline is some thing we need to work on at a young age to work properly for us and our kids, a short time out is a good way to get them started on giving time for them to think about right and wrong, we give one minute times the boys age, I have a little set in the hallway away from everything interesting but still in my view for such times. After up from time out we again talk to the boys about what we did wrong and how we can do the right way next time.
But we make it fun and interesting for the boys and they are more coperative for us. Good luck I hope some thing helps.. These are just little things I was able to do to help intertain mine while trying to enjoy a nice quite meal.

Hey Stacey,
I totally understand. I have one thought for you; if your daughter is old enough to understand screaming in order to get what she wants, perhaps she is old enough to understand discipline. I don't know, all I know is, one of my friends has 5 children under 5 and another friend has 4 children under 4 go out in public and none of them scream, they simply wouldn't allow it.

At 13 months old, she isn't old enough to understand discipline. You pretty much have two choices- have one parent take her out and walk her around so the other can eat, then trade places, or just don't take her to restaurants until she's older.

There are places where a screaming toddler is unpleasant, yes, but can be overlooked: grocery stores and the like. When the child is in movie theaters or restaurants, it becomes unacceptable to just let them cry it out. We learned the hard way with our kids. We don't take them out to eat unless it's a super special occasion, and if they are disruptive, they are taken out. Now that our youngest is two, she is a little more cognizant of what is expected of her and what we won't tolerate. Before they were old enough to comprehend these things, when we had to take them out to eat, we understood that one of us would probably be eating a cold meal. It's all part of being a parent- and you're right. Giving into her demands is teaching her that she can get what she wants by screaming. Instead of giving her what she wants, just take her out.

S.,
Your right about understanding discipline. I don't think I would give her what she wanted if it was something you didn't want her to have. What is it that she is wanting? Is it the same issue every time? Make sure you go during a time there will be little business there. When she starts to throw her fit, pick her up and remove her quietly. Never say , NO. Never slap, or say you can't have that. Give her choices and have her pick one. Is it something you can avoid? Something that she always wants and can't have, keep it out of her sight. This is a good time to teach her how to behave in public. It is time consuming, but worth it when you really start going at prime time. She will get it. Think ahead, and show control in your own behavior and your husbands'. Just gracefully get up, walk away. Talk to her and ask her if she is ready to go back in, give her choices. Good luck and don't give up.
Your a good mom.
DE