II cannot decide if I should allow my son to go on a day-trip with his grandparents tomorrow, as we had planned, or if I should force him back to his summer program. Here’s a quick background: We enrolled our 10 y.o. in a “Boys & Girls Club” type of program for the summer, both to give him something to do while we were at work & give my mom a break, and also to help him gain better skills for interacting with his peers & build a friendship or two.
3 days into the program, he’s all but alienated all the boys there. This is nothing new for him. He has some mental issues that make him behave horribly, especially in group sports. We had been hoping that the counselors would heed our warning and help give him the guidance in these situations he desperately needs. But when I arrived early today to pick him up, I walked in and witnessed the same old situation. Him accusing kids of stuff, them all ganging up and frustrated as heck with him, etc. Counselors were of little help.
Deep down, I know I can’t pull him from the program – he needs this. He needs to work through these issues and find his own way to cooperate in a group. Me walking in early today and whisking him off killed that opportunity. And he’s supposed to be on a day trip with my parents tomorrow, so now it’s going to look like I’m not letting him come back to the other boys, because of his behavior. Friday is a mini-field trip day, and then next week we are on vacation all next week. I fear that by the time we get back from all that, the boys will be so unified in their dislike for him he’ll have no chance of breaking through the rest of the summer. I can’t help but feel like if he goes tomorrow and has to face the situation, it will somehow ‘help’.
I’m at such a loss here. Can someone give me guidance, please????
We finally decided to let him attend the day trip with our parents. I found your responses all to be very, very helpful. We have started paperwork for him to be assessed (again, but by a different facility) for the underlying cause of his social issues. Your feedback gave us real clarity that 'peer pressure/tough love' in fact has not worked for him nor will it work. He needs to be protected at this point until he can obtain the proper coping and social skills needed to succeed with his peers. After completing the inital questionaires from the new provider, the depth of his problem has really become apparent to us. Thank you all again for your ideas and suggestions. I was drowning in despair and now can see some light and a new direction.
you have to think like a kid.. the boys will forget all about it in a day or a week.
whether he goes back tomorow or in a month is irrelevant..
However.. this may not be a good program for him. if they do not have enough staff that are trained.. and are actually supervising the kids and not texting.. this is a bad program.. if he has some special needs.. he may need more supervision than the average 10 year old.
1. Let him go with his grandparents tomorrow.
2. Your son's issues sound more extensive than a camp counselor is trained to manage. There are professional therapeutic services that teach children so ial behavior with other kids...how to read cues, appropriate interaction, etc. Have you talked to a therapist or had him assessed? Talk to the therapist or his pediatrician for recommedations on programs that help with social development or social anxiety. You may be expecting too much from his camp vs his needs or understanding. A therapist or therapeutic group can teach him some skills that he can then apply in his camp situation.
since I haven't seen your "Boys & Girls Club" program 1sthand, I am only assuming this....that the counselors are young, either in college or over age 18?
My niece has worked with summer camps for the past 5 years, & that's the norm for her world. The same is holding true for her current summer job in New Mexico. Soooo, again, I'm assuming.
My recommendation (as others have said): get professional therapy for him. Most facilities have age-appropriate groups for kids. Don't rely on young adults to teach your child the skills he needs. :)
Hope this helps!
My thought is this. Most day camps are staffed by teenagers who have neither the skills nor the teacher-to-student ratio to be able to deal with a special-needs child. Is there a way to explain to the other children (if you're comfortable with this) about your son's situation? They may surprise you with how understanding they can be. At my kids' school, there are many special-needs children who have been mainstreamed - the kids with normal abilities are actually very kind and accepting toward the children who have Autism, etc. As long as kids know what the problem is (and not just that the other kid is being an awful brat), they can deal with it. Sometimes an explanation will go a long way toward helping kids understand what needs to happen.
As to the immediate concern, I'd certainly allow him to go with his grandparents tomorrow. It may give the other kids some time to cool off, and they can all start fresh on Friday.
I can't answer your one big question -- I'm sorry. But I do think it'd be good to sit down with the director of the program, ASAP, and say "These are 'Johnny's' issues; what do you think you can do for him?"
I'm also not sure about this program, so I could be way off base, but if your son has mental issues that impair his social functioning, he probably won't be able to learn to make friends via tough love. He might be a good candidate for behavioral therapy, though, where a therapist takes him step by step, word by word, through successful social functioning.
What I'm trying to say is, "counselor" can mean someone with a real background in psychology, or it can mean a teenage/college age kid with a summer job at a camp. If it's the former, more power to you. If it's the latter, your son's needs may be more than these kids can be expected to handle, so I might respectfully advise that you rethink your approach.
Children are expected to reach an age where they will assimilate into a group and cooperate; this is achieved when the children are nice and encouraging, not bullying little brats-If the counselors can't direct and organize , then your son would be better off somewhere-anywhere else. For the time being, could he take something one-on-one with an instructor? Swimming, golf, tennis, etc?? Then when he feels masterful at something, ask him if he is ready to participate with a group.
Has your son been evaluated? You say he has mental/social issues, but you don't mention if he is being treated/counseled for them. He is 10, and if he is not receiving help to learn how to deal with these issues, expecting him to "work through" them without training is not realistic. The counselors are there for all the kids - if your son's issues are to big for him to handle, then this isn't the right match for him. On top of his issues, he's hitting puberty which throws a whole other level on top of the challenges he's facing.
Let him go with your grandparents. I don't think one day away is going to change the social interaction that is going on. If he is on the Autism spectrum, contact Autism Speaks in your area (autismspeaks.org). Don't just expect him to "figure it out" because if he has cognitive issues re. social interaction, regardless of how much you want him to figure it out on his own, it's not going to happen without help.
my son had issues with interacting with other children when he was very young. he attended counseling with a group of other boys who had the same issues. the counselor would set up situations,walk them thru appropriate responses, why some responses were not appropriate, etc. the boys all took turns "acting" out the scenarios. it really helped him. the counselor was recommended by his waldorf teacher, as his waldorf school dealt regularly with difficult children. letting him flounder and continue to alienate others isnt doing him any favors. he needs to be in a different type of situation. let him go with the grandparents and you do some foot work on finding a more appropriate place for him to grow and learn. maybe the B&G club director can help? good luck!
If your son has always had these issues, then it is time he get some Therapy or formal professional help.
A summer program for kids, will not address this... to the extent that you hope for.
He is 10 already.
He is a Tween.
To me, it is time to get him some formal professional help.
BEFORE he is a Teen.
AND because, a summer program/camp... will not cure your son of his social issues or mental issues.
He needs, professional help, specifically for his issues.
And a formal diagnosis.
Counselors, at a summer program, cannot, dedicate their entire time, ONLY to your son. ie: if you want one on one help for your son, via a Counselor, then he needs a specially assigned, Aid. Who works ONLY with him.
The Counselors at a summer program, do not have the time to only work with only your son. There are other kids there, too.
And they do not know, ALL about your son nor his history of his behavioral problems.
I would let him go with your parents tomorrow and then send him on Friday.
It is "tomorrow" and I hope you let him visit his grandparent.
Throwing an unprepared and unskilled child into a group doesn't work. Forcing him to do it over and over will not give you the results you wish would happen. A break away from the kids will be good for both sides.
Is your son in formal therapy for his problems? Social skills behavior therapy is a long process that works best with increasing amounts of controlled social interaction, with the ultimate goal of the child going forth and handling things on his own.
Taking away his day trip with his grandparents won't make him like that camp any better, he will see it as a punishment. Let him go on the trip. It sounds like he would be better off in a play group or camp that has adults trained in handling childrens behavior. I would talk with the club and ask them what their qualifications are to handle a child who needs extra supervision. If all the kids are ganging up on him, whether deserved or not will not help his problems, it will just make him feel bullied. Our church has Monday Bible school during the school year and we have a handful of young men in the same age group as your son who needs extra supervision also. It is frustrating at times but they need this program and it has done them wonders. I know the right program or coaches, your son will suceed also, it is just finding the right program.
If he needs support when it comes to socializing, then, why isn't one of the staff assisting? You have stated that the counselors are of liitle help.
I have been working w/ kids on a PT basis for 20 years. An adult counselor should have taken care of this from day 1. It doesn't sound as if a plan was in place.
Have you mentioned your son's issues to the person in charge of the camp? Is this the right camp for him?
A plan needs to be in place by the person who is in charge. These boys sound like they aren't being empathetic or respectful.
In school, if a child has special needs, then an IEP is written and the teacher and/or aide has to follow it.
We have a center a few miles from here that has a professional who runs a camp for social skills for kids who need that kind of support.
I can message you the website to read it.
I haven't read all the responses, so sorry if I'm being repetitive, but it seems like you are worrying too much about what the kids will think of him when your son returns after your vacation. First, there will be new as well as old campers on your return; these summer programs change their enrollment every week. Second, 10 days in the life of a child is like 6 months to us. They won't be thinking and talking about him while he is gone. So I would not worry about it looking like you pulled him out, etc. Just do what you planned.
I disagree with the mother who suggested you talk to other kids about your son. As I show in a post about my son today, kids can be mean. Some kids would use any sensitive information they have about your son against him. Also, think of how it would feel to your son for you to talk about him with other kidslike that.
I do recommend professional help! That is what we are trying. Our son is in therapy and in a social skills group.
Fingers crossed for you!
Just another way to look at this. If this was your son's first "typical for him" experience with these particular boys, it could be that the break is exactly what's needed. Perhaps, by the time you're back from vacation, they will have cooled off a bit and be willing to start fresh.
Good luck with this. It's so hard to know what to do.
I think I would let him go on the trip and take this opportunity to talk to the staff and the center. They need to be accountable for their actions and if they can they need to take the opportunity to learn something new too.
The director may have not noticed what was going on. Talk to them about your goals and find out if they think they can help. They will know if it's something out of their boundaries of experience.
No matter what he is going to have to face the situation. Allow him to go on his outing. Depending on his mental issues I am sure there is a place you can take him that focuses on kids with needs. In my area it is NWSRA North Western Special Recreation Association - they have camps/classes/groups etc geared directly to kids with needs.
