Tips for Me, and Proof for Spouse

He may be being a jerk but can you take a step back and say that all the organizing in the world is not going to fix things? You each have 2 full time jobs and school plus 3 kids who need you and 4 pets. That's just too much. Is it absolutely necessary that you work and go to school now? Can you quit one of those? I am super organized and unless I literally didn't sleep, I could not be a good student, ft employee and mother at the same time.

Ok--I lived through the 60's and this ain't it! Lol

Really, start with www.flylady.net
Great organizational tips, tricks, schedules, etc.
Just jump right in. No need to "catch up" --just start where you land on the site!

you have 4 children.... not 3

You work
Your earn money
Use some of it to hire a weekly housekeeper
Don't ask for "permission"
Just do it.

Save the kids' chores until the weekend - I believe that children should contribute to the household - but not at the expense of school work and grades.

Give your husband a chore list also - things that you don't mind never get done - tell him he will be responsible for doing his own laundry - assign him a bathroom in the house as his and tell him he will be responsible for keeping that bathroom clean. Then you and the kids don't ever, ever, use that bathroom - it is his. If his laundry doesn't get done and the bathroom becomes a pigsty, then you just don't worry about it.

14 years is a long time to put up with this.
You are modeling an incomplete marriage to your children.
You are living with, not a 60s, throwback, but a misogynist.
Stop defending him
Stand up for yourself.

You don't need to get organized, your entire family needs to make cuts. You can't both work full time and go to school full time, period. When does ANYONE find time to keep house or spend with children? Let alone PETS? You don't need to be SuperMom or SuperWife to do this, you need to be SuperWoman, and you are not.

If you want to be the ideal 60s wife (I do, and I love it) then you shouldn't be at work and at school. If you want to be the wife for 2013, living in the modern world (although it's still plenty modern to be old-fashioned), then you all need to come up with a plan on how you will do this together. And that plan CANNOT include 3 children, 4 pets, keeping house, cooking meals, 2 full time jobs, and 2 full time educations, plus whatever ELSE you may have, like the children's OWN lives and what that involves...extra curriculars, etc.

***I'm sorry if I didn't give more helpful information. Wild Woman has plenty of realistic ideas, as some of the others do as well, for how to declutter...and that will help some.

***I also want to add that you can just give an all or nothing ultimatum. I.E. "Hubby, if you want me to be a stay-at-home wife and mother, then I will quit my job and you will never hear me complain again about any of the household duties besides taking out the trash and mowing the yard. Otherwise, let's come up with a plan on how we can all work together. Which do you think would best serve our family?" Etc.

Those "sixties" wives did not work outside the home or go to school.

(See Kristin's response below for further detail....)

If your husband wants a 60s housewife, then you need to quit your job and school so you can devote 100% of your time to the house and children - JUST like they did in the 60s. That means that HE will be the only one working. HE will be responsible for EVERY PENNY that is required to sustain your household.

Seriously....are there still WOMEN that think this is ok??? I mean, it's fine if it's what you WANT and are ABLE to do, but since when is it ok to be treated like underpaid hired help by your own husband??

This isn't about you copping out or being lazy and unorganized - it's your husband not respecting you enough as his PARTNER in life, his EQUAL, to contribute to running the household. And then to turn around and make you feel BAD for it??!? Your husband needs a reality check, wake-up call and slap up-side the head all at once....

Welcome to Mamapedia, C.!

I saw that you told another mom on here that you are a wedding planner. Why not "plan" your life like you do a wedding?

1. Assign your children chores.
a. Oldest (12) can do laundry. At least collect it from rooms and take it to the laundry room and sort it. At 12, he or she should be able to work a washing machine and dryer.
b. Middle (10) is to take care of the trash. Empty trash cans in each room and take it to the trash can in the garage (or where ever it kept). Your husband SHOULD take it to the curb, in MY opinion.
c. Youngest (7) can set the table for dinner and pour the drinks.

Write down their responsibilities on a white board or check list. Have them check off when completed. That's NOT overloading them. That's making them responsible and part of the family.

As to your husband being stuck in the 60s? Sorry - that's when the women's movement was in full swing...you might mean 40s and 50s - that's when Mrs. Cleaver (Leave it to Beaver) and Mrs. Anderson (Father knows best). ...any way - you have allowed it. now you have to pull him out of that era and into the new millennium. It will take time, but it's worth it.

Each child should be responsible for keeping their rooms clean. That means vacuuming too. My kids can do it and DO do it.

Hire a cleaning company to come in once a week and clean the house. Doesn't mean the kids get out of their chores. No way. They are still responsible for their chores.

You need to declutter your life and your house. Get rid of stuff you don't use or haven't used in 6 months. Donate it. As it sounds like you are too busy for a garage sale to get money in the door. Donate it and take the tax write off.

Having less "STUFF" will help you feel more organized as well. If you have collectibles? if you haven't stopped to look at them and enjoy them in months? Get rid of them! Sell them on ebay for cash or donate them. Either way - they are taking up space and cluttering up your life.

Get rid of movies, DVDs, games, etc that you have not watched. You are not a video store.

GOOD LUCK!

listen, it's not about you being a 60s wife or him being a jerk. truth is you can't keep up with any of it. you have too many pets, you are going in 4 directions (work, school, kids, household). i think you need to find homes for 1 or 2 of your pets. i think you should get a cleaning lady to come to general cleaning twice a month and use a few hours each weekend to do the rest. you should do major cooking on that day (same day as cleaning), freeze up meals, and sunday relax your bones. is it ideal? no. but your situation is not ideal. who came up with a brilliant idea to have you both go to school and work? that was a rotten decision. whether your husband helps out on weekend or not you have ol enough kids to use that day to help you out, and then during the week don't mess up anything.
i am not a 60s wife. my husband cooks a hundred times better than i do. he cleans much better than i do. but he doesn't because i like to do it (except for weekends when i have clocked out). we are both happy.

C., one word for you: Flylady. As in flylady.net

The cool thing about "flying" is that you just start where you are. Don't paralyze yourself with thinking everything needs to be organized in your head before you begin. You just begin, 15 minutes at a time. Follow her beginner steps, one per day. You will see your routines, and your house, shape up over a few weeks. Once you start to have things under more control, then you can share with your husband what your daily, weekly and monthly plans are. Figure out what he can do, and what the kids can do, based on those plans.

Flylady talks a lot about not being a martyr and not focusing on the imbalance of work that is in most of our homes, at least initially. Once you get started, it's easier for everyone else to take on some responsibility. I still do more work than my husband and kids (which I don't mind) but it's nowhere near as lopsided as it was years ago. If you start flying and have a positive attitude about it, the rest of your family will get on board without a big fight and power struggle. For example, at some point in the past couple of years, my husband just took over the laundry. Nine times out of 10, he does it. I still do the meal planning and shopping, but if I'm not going to be home in the evening, I'll just let him know what's for dinner and he'll cook it and get it on the table. When we have parties, he and the kids all know their roles and jump in to clean bathrooms and floors, vacuum, dust, clean up the yard, etc.

Don't make this a fight - just get started and see what happens. If things aren't better in a few months, then try something else, but I think you'll be happy with this.

Downsize. Get a smaller home with fewer bedrooms, and give your children more responsibilities around the house. Your husband shouldn't get a free pass either, and ought to be responsible for some household duties as well.

Just because you agreed to a 1960's marriage 14 years ago doesn't mean you're bound to it forever. Feelings and circumstances change. Physical ability changes too. He needs to man up and take care of his wife. Simply earning a paycheck and doing nothing else regarding taking care of the house or the children doesn't count as "taking care of the wife and family."

It's time to renegotiate. If he refuses, then marital counseling needs to be on the table. What bothers me isn't just that he's refusing to help you or find/pay someone to help you... it's the fact that he's not listening to you flat out telling him that you're overwhelmed and can't do it any more.

Like the other questions this week, sit down with him and lay it alllll out. Figure out who needs to do what and when. Nobody gets off the hook. DH can pull his weight and your kids can pitch in, too. If you are feeding the dogs, DH or the kids can feed and walk the dogs. If you are chasing the kids with their laundry, the 12 yr old can certainly do his or her own laundry (and so can DH for that matter) and everyone can sort and fold. If you cook dinner, someone else can clear the table. Etc. Make this all a family effort. You are overwhelmed. And if he doesn't want it to be a family effort, then cut yourself some slack and do what you can. You work FT, you attend school, you have kids AND you keep house. Any one of those is a FT job. When do you sleep?

Tell him times have changed and you need him to step up as your partner, husband and friend and lend a hand.

Oh, and regarding that 1960s housewife - she didn't work outside the home, go to school, AND take care of the kids and house. So I think in 2013, when you are working and going to school, it is entirely unrealistic to put that as your ideal. You're comparing apples and oranges. While you are burning out taking care of everyone else, does anyone ever take care of you?

Take 30 minutes a day at the end of your day,and write down everything you did, and WHAT DID NOT GET DONE. Do this for 7 days. At the end of that 7th day, show your husband.

It doesn't seem from your schedule that there are enough hours in the day for you to play mom, wife, laundry mat, maid, cook, chauffeur, lover, etc... You both are TOO busy with jobs and school and parenting to expect you can "do it all".

He's being a bone head, and he needs to come to his senses. Maybe with the "map" you lay out for him by writing down the daily schedule of chores/responsibilities, he'll see it. Especially since he has "accountant" mentality.

good luck!

I'll bit my tongue about the whole housewife and responsibility thing...

That said....if he's having a hard time understanding why this is a challenge for you, perhaps let some of it go. Start leaving messes...dishes in the sink...no vauumming...
Something tells me that if you don't have the time to get to cleaning up HIS stuff, he might start to come around.
Let him go with shirts unironed for a week (and you just can't find the time to do it for him), or get dinner on the table late - or not at all - becuase you were tending to other things.

Sounds to me like he took your "initiaitive" of the 60s housewife for granted, and now isn't willing to help.

I think a cleaning lady 2x/month will help you immensely.

Honestly, I went through the same thing. My husband was raised the men go to work and women stay home. I let this happen for about 2.5 years. Then I realized I was so exhausted and I was starting to resent him. So...I stopped washing his clothes, I stopped making him meals, I stopped doing EVERYTHING for him. Best thing I could have done. I sat down and told him either he starts helping out or I could do this alone. I was done by this point. Well, 2 years later, we are happy as can be. In fact, he has come do half of all chores. He also respects me more and does nice things for me. You need to stand up to him. Tell him, it's your money too. Do what you can with what you have. Good luck

Oh gawd... just SHOW him your post and all the responses you get.

He is spoiled.
He lives in a time warp. But at a certain point, he just does not want to acknowledge what the reality is.

You say he is in a time warp.
Others may say he is just a Chauvanistic man.
Ick.

The point is: This is the year 2013. You are both college students. (my husband was working full time AND going to school too) so I know how it is. And after a certain point:
1) your Husband is choosing to be a lump on a log
2) your husband is choosing to make you do it all
3) you are doing it all
4) but, again, this is a CHOICE. Your Husband, is choosing... to be this way. He doesn't have to be this way.
And you have catered to him all this time.
So just stop it.

5) Your kids, should NOT have to, pick up your Husband's lack of doing.
6) Your Husband is a man, and HE HAS responsibilities to his Wife and kids, too. It is HIS house too. HIS kids too. AND NO ONE, is "exempt" from that. No matter, how busy you are or not.

7) Again, your kids should NOT have to pick up your Husband's slack and lack of doing. Sure, kids have chores. Its life. But it is NOT to replace... the Husband. In the home.
Kids, should not have to replace, your Husband and what your HUSBAND SHOULD BE DOING.

8) Tell your Husband, to grow up. Good grief.
AND he ALSO has a responsibility, to be a Husband. And being a Husband means... NOT being a hotel guest AND taking care of his wife too. He is a Husband and a Dad and a Man.
THAT means, he has to step up and STOP MAKING UP EXCUSES.
He is choosing... to be, that way.
He is choosing.... to be that way.

If my son ever grew up to be that kind of man and Husband, I would have a COW and correct him, ASAP.
I do not teach my son to treat women that way anyway. And I teach my son, that EVERYONE in a house does things, not just a "woman."

DO NOT, let your Husband be so spoiled.
He is an adult. Not a child. Don't treat him like a child.
Or he can go back to his Mommy.
Your Husband lives in a hotel.

Then the other problem is:
the problem is not about you organizing more and being more of a Super Woman. The problem is: your Husband is not being a part of being a man or Husband or Dad.
Even if your home and kids were like a museum, he would still nit pik.
And still, not even have himself in the equation.

1. Get rid of at least 2 pets

2. Make a list of ALL the chores. Go to any house keeping website and print off a list.

3. Divvy up all the chores to everyone in the family, including your husband. Ask which one(s) he is willing to be responsible for. Perhaps he does do somethings around the house/yard that have slipped your mind?

4. Your kids should be tending to all animal care, taking out the trash, sorting and folding laundry and putting it away, unloading the dishwasher, sweeping, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning toilets and sinks, etc. There are many chores that your kids can accomplish, if you let go. And they should learn these skills anyhow.

Try this new approach for at least a month before you run yourself ragged. If it does not work, then hire a house cleaner for the parts you and your family cannot get to. You do not need to have the entire house cleaned, which is expensive. Hire someone for just a few hours, every couple of weeks to clean the parts your family does not do well.

GL!

Oh my goodness...what a mess you have created for yourself. Now you need to slowly undo it. No you don't need to get better organized...there are only so many hours in the day!!! No you don't need to hire someone!!

You have a husband who is to be your partner...it is time he start acting like a partner. Don't let him guilt you into this being your problem...or copping out. THis has been a very poor example for your 3 kids to see. It is great that they are doing chores...but they are seeing an unhealthy,unbalanced marriage relationship. And probably an overly stressed mom taking on way too much!!

I am a full time SAHM. This is the agreement we made before getting married. I see how much it helps our relationship to have the separate roles for keeping our family functioning and happy. BUT...this was our agreement....it does not work for everyone.

That being said...I am not sure if you two ever sat down and discussed these details before setting up house and bringing kids into the family. Sounds like you just kept taking on more and more. Now you are ready to crumble under the weight of the load....and your marriage is filling up with resentment, being taken for granted and hostility.

This is doomed if you keep it up..because you are already calling your husband a jerk. I can't imagine using that type of language about my husband. I love and adore him. We have a very fun and happy marriage. But that is because he values my contributions to our home and family and thanks me almost daily for being willing to stay home. He is able to focus solely on his job..and me on mine. We both view what I do as a job...and take it seriously. He is also very hands on with the house and kids once he clocks out at work and clocks in at home...even though I am a full time SAHM.

But I understand why you are saying your husband is a jerk...you are angry, don't feel supported, don't feel listened to and made out to feel like this is YOUR problem to make better. Ugh!!

I personally would not go the route of all of a sudden stopping doing everything. That will only cause more disharmony in your relationship and turn into a bad immature game between the two of you. You need to set a better example for your kids about how to resolve marital problems.

I would pick an evening after the kids have gone to bed and you feel emotionally strong to sit down and discuss some options. Type out different options and come to an agreement together on which one you both can work with...and get his input on what he is willing to add on his "to do" list.

Some of the options off the top of my head are
Option 1- Divorce because he is unwilling to compromise and help make an effort to make things more equal in your partnership. Now..this is the most drastic option and I hope it is not even considered.

Option 2- Mom quits job and devotes all her time to home and family. (ok...I am a SAHM...I am rooting for this one. I saw the load lifted off my shoulders once I quit working)

Option 3- Each continue working outside the home but come up with "His" and "Her" lists of duties. Talk...negotiate these chores...discuss them. He can cook 2 nights a week, be responsible for laundry once a week, and alternate weeks of who is monitoring the kids doing there chores, try switching monthly who keeps up on the pets' needs,...etc.

Option 4- You keep doing what you are doing, feel like it is all your responsibility, stress over implementing new organizing/cleaning tips, and take on the jobs of 2 people, and have this burden be yours and yours alone to deal with, resentment continue to build...and have crappy image of your husband...and eventually maybe have a nervous breakdown.

Something has got to give. You can not keep living like this. I am glad you owned up to creating this mess...now it is time you undo it.

I wish you the best...please keep us posted on how things improve. I am rooting for ya!!! And if your husband is reading this? Hello...help out your woman...she needs you..your kids need you to help her. And, believe me..it will pay off in many ways...wink..wink!

Have the kids do chores.
Taking out the trash.
Taking the trash to the curb and back on trash pick up day.
Vacuuming
Dusting
cleaning bathrooms
loading dishwasher and putting away dishes once they are clean
Making their beds
The 12 and 10 yr old can start helping with laundry
Help feed/water the pets
help with cooking and meal prep too.
All these things the kids can do.
Get rid of extra stuff so there's less to organize and clean around.

We both work, we've got one child, our pets are fish. My husband does the laundry and the ironing, I clean the bathroom and the kitchens we take turns cooking whenever the mood inspires us. We are both tidy, our kid is tidy. We do one "extra" job a day for 10 minutes, or until we've finished the job.

Even so, to help things along, we employ robots to clean our floors (scooba and neato), and occassionally get a groupon for a whole house cleaning.

Now, let's assume this doesn't help win your hubs over to getting outside help or pitching in more, here are some tips on what you can do to make things easier for yourself.

1. declutter your house. start small. discard the unused/ broken unwanted. 2. then take a hard look at your keep pile. If you've got 10 perfectly good oven mits, how many can a person really use, pare it down to 3/4 get rid of the rest.
3. don't fret if you don't do a whole room, or a whole drawer, or the whole house, just know that you will keep at it, in small steps, and soon there will be that much less to deal with.
4. don't get an organizer to come in till you've finished decluttering.
5. don't allow more clutter into your life. If you've decided 10 pairs of jeans per person is more than enough to get you through your wash cycle, don't allow anyone to get an 11th pair without donating/ discarding one they've currently got.

go through your desk drawer test all the pens chuck the ones which are dead. don't worry if there are also pens in the art area, and pens in the kids rooms, you can get to those some other day.

good luck to you and yours.
F. B.

So, let me be sure I have this right: you both work full time, you both go to school (and have homework), but you handle all the housework (or supervise the chores the kids do have)? So, when he's not at work or school he has down time but the only down time you have is when you are actually asleep? That is just crazy!!!!

Yes, you both need to get organized. Yes, the kids should help with the chores they can do but hubby needs to help too.

Why not take a break this week from cooking, cleaning etc (your kids- and husband- are old enough to rummage through the fridge and make a sandwich) and take that free time to look up quotes on a housekeeper or other hired help, you can also spend that time writing out a list of the things that have to be done each week and how much time those tasks take you and what it would cost to outsource them. At the end of the week, have a meeting with him. At that point I would just advise him that something needs to change and you want to work with him on coming up with a resolution that works for EVERYBODY. Then he can decide what he is willing to do. Everyone in the family needs to have set jobs. You can trade off on cooking nights. It is time for him to step it up and work out an actual plan on how the tasks are going to get done each week, not just relying on you to "get organized" and pull it off.

Hey _
I haven't read the responses, so please forgive me if I am repeating someone. But, the only thing I can think to do is to actually show the proof of what you need. Come up with a plan of action and tell him you need all day Saturday and Sunday, by yourself, to clean out and get organized. That means HE has to take the kids AWAY from the house all day Saturday and Sunday. So, if he can't do that, then the alternative is to have someone come in and do the bulk of the work in getting it established.

Good luck!
L.

My dear hubby, as much as I thought I would be able to handle everything on my own when we started our life together, and have done my best to do so, it has really been a struggle for me to do it all on my own. I can't handle it all anymore, and really need help. I need help from you AND from the kids. I agree that we need a more organized household, and I would like to start with a chore chart for all family members.

Here's a list of all the chores that I am currently doing on my own, and that I am confident that others are capable of doing as well. Which 3 (or however #) would you like to do to help out?

If he doesn't want to help out, then I'd insist on hiring a helper.

Why does he get to have a job and go to school, but you have a job and go to school and have... a second, full-time job at home? That is what he is expecting.

Tell him that you can "get organized" all he likes but that does not create even one more minute in the day, much less another hour. If he has a time machine to make you more time to do all that he expects, great. But assuming he doesn't have that power: I'd present him with a list of what needs to be done and now HE has a chore chart. Just like the kids. You have one too, in writing like his. If he wants to eat? On his week to cook, he can make it and freeze it the previous weekend. If he doesn't, he can go hungry while you and the kids feed yourselves. And so on. Another option is to do only what absolutely positively must be done and leave the rest so he sees what you have actually been doing. Dirty shirts? Nothing to wear to his work? Oh, didn't he know where the washer lives?

You know him best so you know whether a humorous approach will help him see the light or whether you will have to fight.

But the BIG key here is this: You say that his "I don't do dishes or anything else" attitude is harming your marriage. Your marriage. If he cannot respond to that by helping you, and possibly by getting some counseling so he can figure out why he is so rigid about roles -- then you have a much bigger issue on your hands.

If you tell him "Our marriage is actually at stake here for these reasons," is he going to dismiss you? Belittle you? Say you could do it ALL if only YOU were better at this or that?

If so -- get counseling for yourself and rethink what you want in the rest of your life. As someone posted below --- you have four children right now, not three.

So many good ideas here. I have decluttered recently because we will be moving soon, and it is great! Very helpful for keeping things under control. Even linens - piles of it just sitting there gathering dust.

I also suggest getting a Roomba for effortless vacuuming, and a Scooba if you have hard floors.

I hope your husband sees the light soon.

Tell him you want a cleaning person or organizer to come in one time for your birthday or anniversary (whatever is coming up soon!) and have them get things started. You need help and shouldn't have to beg. I know you shouldn't have to get "cleaning" as your gift, but if money is a concern this will allow you to get some peace. Then maintain with flylady.net. Little chunks of time for cleaning and organizing and sticking to routines will help to maintain. I'm with you, housework is never ending and it's rough when you are doing it on your own. I'm noticing that my family is stepping up when they see that these things get done each day or each week..it's just what we do. Last night my daughter (9) helped with the dishes while we watched a cartoon together. Fun and productive. After being completely overwhelmed more than once, I have made sure that they have their own rountine for each morning, noon and night. Nothing huge, but they need to pick up their bathroom and bedroom and help with some kitchen stuff and sort and fold laundry. They don't mind, (too much) since it's not a ton of work. Sometimes it helps when I say, after you help fold the laundry, I'll play hockey with you! Now that works! Sometimes with my 7 year old, I go into his room with him and help, since it only takes 5 min each night if we keep up with it.

My husband is a changed man after he saw that I have routines. Now he knows that the bed gets made each morning, right away...so sometimes he even does it! He also does dishes, cooks, cleans...all because he knows when they "happen". Routines are the answer.

(Read last paragraph for my advice)

I've gone through this too. We are getting a divorce... BUT... it's the first time he's ever helped cleaning, laundry and what not. We both work, like you two, you both work. Then you both go to school. Even though you do it less, you are still expected to do the role of SAHM. That puts you at falling behind. I know, I've been there and for 10 years I thought I could do it but I got disorganized and you can't start being organized unless both of you are willing to do it together. Since my ex wants 50/50, we agreed that when we switch off, all house chores must be done (laundry, dishes, homework....etc) during our respective weeks. Since it's all new to him, he wants to organize everything too... same as me before I just stressed and broke down. But now it's so much easier to keep the house clean when I'm getting help. I can finally clean under the stove! Clean the nooks and crannies that you don't have time to do so because you are always surface cleaning the mess currently made. Why couldn't we be like this during our marriage?!

Okay, so you can share my story and talk to me if you want but bottom line. I know you fall behind wanting to organize and get sorted. So start! But he needs to help you start. Once you start, you can continue to take up MOST of the slack but not ALL. All in all, the problem is, he doesn't really understand what you do until he has to do them too. I've always let my husband off on this because I reasoned he worked longer hours than me... but I've learned to value myself enough to realize, my hours as a "stay at home mom" never ends.. and I'm not even a SAHM!

But in the end, we did this ourselves (read other responses where we have the same situation). He's not a jerk so much as he's accustomed to how things are and have been for years and we let it happen with OUR ideals. It's the "first impression" dilemma. His first impression of you is that you will take care of everything and that becomes the normal. Break it. Start fresh together or you will have to start fresh apart and I would not ever wish that upon anyone.

You must be married to my DH, except that he hasn't always been like this but slowly changed over the course of our marriage. It is my fault though, I just let him get away with it for so many years when my life was lower stress and I didn't mind taking care of everything. Once they get used to the wife = maid kind of living it's hard to go back.
If you can afford it by all means hire a cleaner to do the deep cleaning once a week (or even every other week) so you can just keep things picked up and vaccuum... we can't afford it right now so I have just resigned myself to the fact the my house will not be as clean as I'd like to, that our laundry sometimes does not get folded (at least it's clean) and that we order pizza once a week and go out to eat at least one more time. It's not healthy, it's not what I want but it won't be forever and for now we are just trying to hang in there.
Good luck.

Ya'll are super people, I guess! How in the heck do you keep it all together with EVERYTHING you have going on? Anyway, yeah you let that superwoman facade go on much too long, dear. Put your foot down and offer him two choices: 1. You formally divvy up the weekly household chores on paper (do your kids have their own household chores, too?? They MUST) or 2. You hire a cleaning lady to come in once a week.

There are no negotiations. It's no cop out. But even if you hire a cleaning lady to come in, everyone should have at least one daily task that they must do to help out around the house (empty the dishwasher, empty the trash, clean up after dinner, etc.).

Show him exactly what you wrote and the responses!! If you both work and go to school, then you both need to share the house chores. If he's never had to lift a finger then it will be a difficult transition, but that doesn't mean you need to be overwhelmed forever. He needs to be a man and step up. Not by telling you to get organized, but by getting off his a** and helping get it done!

In all fairness, if you've never asked him to help before he may not even know where to start. In the very limited spare time you have, write out a list of everything you do or that should get done around the house, then sit down and work with him to assign tasks. If he knows he has to keep the bathrooms clean, the cars running, the lawn mowed, and pack all school lunches it will be easier for him to plan... and you'll do a lot less nagging than if you simply tell him he has to "help" and don't define your role versus his.

So what if he thinks that it's a cop out? If you see it as your job to make it happen around there, then do that. Make it happen. If you need someone to do some periodic deep cleaning, then get someone to come in once a month or once a quarter, however often you need. It's none of his business how you take care of it if he's not willing to do it himself. Bottom line. If you are taking all this on, then you have to be able to manage it and own the management of it. It's obvious that he doesn't know what goes into keeping things running around there, so why are you giving him so much control of how it gets done?

I haven't read your responses, but my first thought is this - you say your husband wants a "traditional" type marriage, where the wife/mom cooks, cleans and generally looks after the house? Well, then tell him it's time to quit your job. Doing all those things for your home IS a full time job!

Well since I don't have pets don't want them because of the messes thye can bring into a home I would say down size your pet family.Begin in oe room only and keep it off limits then proceed to the next room thowing out what isn't used,needed brokenor the i'll get to that later but it's been 2 yrs and still haven't got to it,you'll be amazed what you can accomplish if you put forth the effort & do it.As for organizing get your rooms in order then get an idea what your needing to help with organization then go shopping don't shop till rooms are done cleaned.As for him helping ask him to take out the trash as your doing the rooms,I prefer for my hubby to stay out of my way while i'm doing things I don't go into his workshop telling him how to do what he does but if he needs help with something ok.Kids still need to be surpervised go over their chores and what you expcet how they do them I would let them do their chore go off & do what you need to don't hover them ask them to call you when it's completed inspect if it's not complete redo it