Hi Ladies- Our two year old daughter was such an easy going baby- ate well, slept well, complied with things we asked of her... In the last few weeks, however, she has done a 180 and is being very difficult about things she has never had a problem with before... She eats very poorly, fights going for naps, getting in the car seat, diaper changes, etc... I know that she is asserting her independence, but this is getting difficult to deal with all the time!! Any advice on things that helped you through this time? Thanks, mamas!!
Lots of choices. Do you want the red cup or the blue cup? The corn or the peas? Pink shoes or brown shoes. It's not magic, but it helps with the independence thing and decreases some of those tantrums:)
I like the Love and Logic books, if you're interested in that. I read the early childhood one, but still some of it is hard to apply to younger than 3-4.
We've been going through this as well. I have found that redirection or ignoring is a great tactic for hitting and tantrums. Giving them 2 choices and letting them pick what they want. Lot's of positive reinforcement when they are being good. Any book you read on kids this age will tell you that you can not rationalize with them. I just read 123 magic and highly recommend it. Time outs in his bedroom with a few books have been a big help for us. It's all a power struggle at this age and they are just looking for attention. The more you give in, the more they feed on it. It is not easy I will admit that!
... phew, yes its an age stage.
1) Help her with communication. Teach her about the names for her feelings/emotions. They can learn that. And teach her to say it. ie: I am grumpy, I am happy, I am tired, I am hungry etc. Then when/if she says that, validate her... instead of clashing about it or being contrary. Sometimes they just need to know that they are understood. It is not about who is right or wrong... if you are grumpy yourself and someone tries to convince you that you are not... does that help? No. You simply want validation... and understanding. Same for a child... who cannot yet, control their emotions.
Emotions at this age, is NOT yet even fully developed... so don't 'expect' her to understand or to handle her emotions like an expert. Many adults can't even cope or navigate their emotions. So. But, teach her how to express it....
2) Keep to routines... even for naps. At this age, they do commonly 'fight' about naps or sleep. BUT they still need naps. Or they get over-tired... and over-tired kids actually sleep worse, cannot fall asleep well, and wake more.
3) Use redirection or distraction to transition her.... kids this age, have minimal attention-spans... and will NOT listen or be able to heed to 'lectures' etc. So, your tactics have to be age-appropriate... and your expectations... because, a kid this age CANNOT always do exactly what is in their heads... thus, they get frustrated....
4) The book "What To Expect, The Toddler Years" is good.
5) Some kids, also often need to be given a Head's-up...on what is coming NEXT... so that they can transition to the next activity. ie: in 10 minutes, we have to brush teeth. Finish playing. Then we will go..." etc.
If having to switch gears ALL of a sudden... most toddlers get tweaked and frustrated.
6) Some kids need routine and structure to their day... or they simply get tweaked....
7) This is the age, they start to learn.... but cannot yet do... 'rules'. So don't expect full cooperation yet. Think of her as a rock collecting moss... it takes time....
8) Make sure she gets snacks, is not hungry, and naps. Hunger, can often make a kid fussier.... and not be able to nap, and their blood sugar level drops... making one grumpy. It does for me. For kids too.
9) At THIS age, a 2 year old CANNOT just automatically DO what they are asked to. They are not 10. They are 2. So... keep your expectations in line with... her age. Otherwise, parent will be continually frustrated because the child cannot yet DO, what is expected. Keep expectations age-appropriate.
the ages of 3 and 4.... is often harder. So keep that in mind.
All the best,
Susan
Next year your daughter will be three! Until that happy time you have a girl who is growing, learning, and trying out her environment... sometimes rather loudly.
Pick your battles carefully. You want to choose the ones you can win! You can't win ones with food, so make sure you serve her healthy meals and snacks and let her ingest as little as she chooses; when she's hungry, she'll eat. She won't starve.
Keep your sense of humor! No matter how much she fusses, she loves you and can't live without you. Be friendly and firm at the same time! Don't play her little power games by reacting big-time to what she may try. Sometimes when she has to do something she doesn't like (like getting in her car seat, changing a diaper, etc.), try some diversionary tactics by talking to her about something else, or even singing to her.
I have never read the "Love and Logic" book, but my older son and his wife have used those principles with their daughters and I've been impressed with the way they've turned out.
Remember that when your daughter is being difficult she is really learning and growing, and maybe that will remind you that the struggles are all worthwhile! There will be patches of sunlight along the way; look for those.
Three things helped us with our oldest and are helping us with our second, too! They are extra time, a sense of humor, and choices. Let me explain.
I build in extra time to everything because I know it's going to take longer than it used to! Bathtimes are almost an hour now. Getting dressed takes about 15 minutes. Making lunch (they HAVE to help!) takes about 30-40 minutes. I just start much earlier than I want to or really need to so that our home runs more smoothly. (Oh, yeah... add getting into carseats on that list, too. There are more "rules" every day... who pushes the buttons, which foot goes into the minivan first, etc.)
A sense of humor is a must. As much as you can, let her do the things that she wants to do. She will amaze you with what she's picked up! On the other hand, she is still learning, and some of the ways she tries to do things will crack you up... if you're not looking for a reason to get angry with her. My oldest son wanted milk, so he opened the refrigerator door, stood on the bottom of the fridge, grabbed a full gallon of milk, pulled it out, dropped it on the floor, and dragged it over to where I was changing his little brother's diaper. Basically, he dumped a gallon of milk on the floor! What else could I have done except compliment him on his go-get-em attitude, have him help me clean it up, and give him water instead? It really was hilarious, after I took several steps back in my mind!
The third thing is choices. Yes, your daughter is asserting her independence. It's scary for her to think that she has different ideas than you, and it's scary all the choices she has out there! I would choose two (or maybe three) things and let our boys make their choices. I had already narrowed things down to a few manageable options. Whatever they chose, I was okay with it. But they still had the freedom to decide what they wanted to eat, wear, etc. For naptime, I would give them a choice between two or three books (they could choose one), two blankets, two toys/stuffed animals (if your daughter sleeps with them), etc. That way, my boys made naptime their own, and if they weren't happy, it wasn't my fault. I would say, "You chose the red blanket. You can have the green blanket tomorrow, if you still want it then."
This too will pass. Good luck!
Denice M. has found that mommy-magic – how to enjoy a toddler by getting into the toddler point of view. This worked wonderfully for my daughter and for my grandson when they reached "that" age – when autonomy becomes an undeniable force.
SH's suggestions are good, too. My grandson did well with transitions when he was given advance notice, so that he could prepare emotionally for giving up what he was doing and looking forward to the next activity. We were always careful to make the next activity sound appealing, finding some little "hook" that caught his interest – a favorite food at dinner, or a new little toy in the car, for example.
They can't help having those needs, which are programmed into their little brains and bodies. The trick is recognizing the inevitability of it and working with it, which takes a little creativity and advance planning. I love empathetic parenting (not at all the same thing as lenient parenting), that allows us to consider the needs the child is expressing so that we can help the child to see the desirability of doing things our way when necessary.
One good resource for learning these techniques is The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp. And not long after my grandson hit the age of 2.5, I read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. As his language and reasoning developed, this book quickly became my favorite parenting book ever. The techniques and ideas are mutually respectful, and they work!
Since then I've recommended this book to other young families, who have been just as impressed with the results they get and the stress eliminated from their daily lives.
The best thing you can do to get some peace back in the house is to diffuse any and all situations involving struggle. Do not say no unless you absolutely have to, do no get into an argument with her unless you know you can win and never say things you do not mean. Do not force her to eat, toddlers feel they have very little time to sit around and eat when they could be on the go. She may need to snack a bit more than you are used to, but she won't starve. Just offer wholesome items and let her choose what to do with them. As for the nap, maybe she is done napping. Some toddlers are that way. She may not be tired, but maybe you could have some quite time instead? Let her lay down and listen to music or read to her, just for a little while every day. Reassure her that she doesn't have to sleep she just has to be quiet for a set amount of time. Then, if you can get into a routine of this, see if she does eventually fall asleep or if not she might be ready to give up her nap. With the car, she could be really bored. Be sure to have some small toys (second hand works too!) that she has never seen to give her once she is in her car seat. Play kid music and don't forget to sing along. Talk to her and tell her about things you are seeing. The diaper change thing is hard, but it is usually about holding still for toddlers. Diaper changes are getting in the way of her running around time. She may need a routine with lots of excitement and praise. Sing a silly made up song about cleaning up and throwing out the diaper. Let her throw it away and then give lots of praise. Act like it is your favorite thing to do and give feet tickles and grins and praise all the way. If she can think of it as fun time then she will stop fighting. That works for a lot of things too. She is big enough that she could do a lot of things throughout the day like help get clothes into the laundry basket and pull clothes out of the dryer. Put toys into the tub before bath time and take them out when her bath is over. Help wash fruits and veggies (as long as someone keeps a hand on her she could sit on one side of the sink). She will thrive and begin to see that these things have purpose and can be enjoyable, but she can not do that if she feels frustration coming from her parents or other caregivers. Everything must be kept light and loving. In time you will find that having a toddler, while exhausting at times, can be more enjoyable than having a baby in so many ways!
Make sure she is getting enough sleep. Seriously.
Only fight when it matters - if she wants to wear pajamas all day let her wear pajamas all day. Give her choices if there is a choice to be made (apple or banana, pink or red shirt)
When it does matter - don't budge an inch. Kids this age are learning about what's acceptable and they learn by pushing boundaries and watching for reactions. There should be certain rules that are never compromised. And there should be a predictable (always the same) consequence when those rules are broken.
Don't give in to whining or fits - I demand that my son speaks to me respectfully. Otherwise I don't listen. If he's throwing a fit, I take him to his room until he calms down and finds his "happy face" then we work together to resolve the problem.
I hope some of this helps - just also keep in mind it will get better - your child won't be a terror forever. But the more consistent you are the faster she'll be able to learn whats expected of her.
Is she getting her 2 year molars in? That pain can profoundly impact their behavior. Also, like everything else a child goes through, this is just a phase. It may take a long time, but this too shall pass!!
We all think our two year old wont be one of those dreaded "terrible twos", but we all go through the same transition period. You just have to put your "dealing with terrible two" hat on, be patient, try not to drink or medicate yourself too much, laugh about her new craziness and hang in there for the ride. This the time you start teaching the boundaries, it wont be easy, but this is when you start setting them and being consistent with punishments and such.
Change your expectations of her. Have to set aside the notion of your"little angel" just for a little bit : ) You'll see glimpses of her but that 2 year old little monster will be around a lot more. Make sure she gets enough sleep. Tantrums are worse if they are sleepy. Keep the sugar down to a minimum. That makes it worse also. For the most part you're going to have to just ride this phase out.
hang in there
What works with my son is I tell him that he can not do something and that mom will do it. In a second he turns around and says that he can do it. I do not use this method every single time but only when it matters that mommy gets her way... But I agree wih all the other ladies to pick your fights and let her find her independence.
don't fight her unless it's really important. if she decides she wants to refuse to eat, okay, she can be hungry. if she refuses to put her toys away, okay, she loses those toys. enforce natural consequence. if it's something that doesn't matter either way (refusing to wear a certain shirt, for example), let her choose whenever possible. put your foot down on important things like naps, using her manners, etc, whatever those things are that you feel are important....but realizing that she is excercising her independence is great. just keep that in mind. she will be easier to get along with, the more control she feels she has. but stick to your discipline on the issues you find important, safety issues, etc....you get the idea.
I know this is a really tough time. Be sure you are enjoying the times when she's still that beautifully easy going girl. I've gone through this with both boys, currently with my youngest. I think realizing that it will pass and that you aren't doing anything wrong helps.
With both of my boys it helps to give them visual cues. I made a chart with pictures of different things we do. like for bedtime, I have a photo of pj's, toothbrush, a toilet, a sink with hands, lips (for kissing the other parent goodnight), book, child praying, and bed. This way if he throws a fit during any part of it, I can show him what's next. I also found that just waiting for them to work themselves out of it would help. This only works for when you aren't in a hurry to get somewhere or do something.
Both my boys stopped taking regular naps at about 2 1/2 yrs old. In fact, they go to bed easier if they haven't taken naps. Learn how to change a diaper when they're standing (of course only for wet, not dirty). It is a phase, she won't starve, she will grow out of it and be a lovely little girl again. Well, until that teenage phase hits!! Good luck, you're doing a great job mama!
Someone said, "God gave us "Terrible Two's" in preparation for being able to handle Teenagers". Being a grandmother now, I can relate to that. Just take one day at a time - try not to think of how long the terrible two's are going to last. Be very consistent with traiing & discipine - don't give in one day and not the next.
Pick your battles. Some things like getting in her car seat really matter for her safety but not eating what you serve for lunch today really doesn't. Let her have choices. Ignore tantrums when you can. Distract her when you can. And remember that it is just a phase like every other part of her developement and you all will get through it with time.
Good luck.
