My ten year old son recently has shown an interest in girls. My first thought was really how serious should I take this he is only ten and I am sure the whole "going out" thing at that age couldnt possibly be something to worry about. Boy I couldnt have been more wrong! I first began having problems with him texting constantly. I had a disscussion with him that he is completely to young to really be serious with girls and that he would have his whole life to worry about that. We spoke and limited his texting priviliages. But still I was noticing the whole "dating" situation was not solved. I began reading his texts and found out that his relations with this girl has led to a make out session on the playground. He is ten and she is eleven and they have kissed with "tounge". I am now forced to step into this situation and I have no idea where to begin. My son is a great kid with good grades and great friends. I could use suggestions of what to do and say.....
Thank you all for your suggestions....My question by the way was not if it was ok to date at ten but what suggestions of stopping it! Its hard at this age to not give in to a little bit of freedom and exploring but by no means do I want to encourage it! Its funny that everyone thinks that the "cell phone" is the bigger problem but unfortunatly these are the times,,,, His priviliages have beem monitored and we have spoke on the kissing and he knows it wasnt right and he was extremly embaressed which proved my point to him that its better to wait untill your old enough and its not embaressing to talk about. By the way it was because of the cell phone that I even found out about this situation....unfortunatly we can not be in their pockets on the playground 24\7 but we can be involved in their lives 24/7!
Whoooaaaa! (Mom of a 7 yo boy here, now bracing for impact!)
I'm sorry but the phone needs to go.
I agree with talking to the school about more supervision but probably, ultimately, the responsibility lies with you.
Does he know about sex yet? Have you had "the talk"?
If not, it's needed now.
Discuss respect, self respect, respect for the girl, reputations, rumors and gossip.
Good luck. (I am SO dreading this phase!)
Umm... take the phone away. Period. You also need to schedule an appointment with the principal, teacher and school counselor. Fill them in on what's going on and come up with a plan. This happened at the elementary school where I used to work. When I found out (I was the Asst Principal at the time), we called a faculty meeting and set up a series of "boys only" and "girls only" meetings to address the issue of privacy and personal respect. We also posted teaching assistants all over the playground and in before/after school gathering places. A little adult visibility goes a long way.
You also need to have "the talk" with your son- better yet, his father needs to. He's moving a little fast and has no idea what he's getting in to. Unfortunately, kids are starting to experiment earlier. Get the school involved and the girl's mother if need be.
Ok, so he's in 5th grade, right?
Hmmm, well he certainly does NOT need a cell phone to suck face with girls on the playground. So yeah, I guess you could try that but you'll just piss him off.
I don't know of a pill you can give him to make the raging hormones go away, or at least delay them til Mom is 'ready'. So really, you ARE gonna have to use a more adult approach, I mean if you don't want to completely alienate him so that he shuts down and reverts to emergency measures to keep you OUT of his personal live.
It IS possible for him to have a 'healthy' relationship with girls at 10 years old. He'll need a LOT of self respect, respect for GIRLS, and most of all he'll need a trusted adult in his life. I guess I mean you will have to, um, embrace his 'sexuality' (yuck, sorry) the same way you approach every other aspect of his life.
Or you can just freak out and decide to go against nature, and FIGHT it til the bitter end, lose his trust and respect, send him out on his own, pretend it's not there. And be shocked when he gets a girl pregnant in 8th grade.
Really, I'm sorry if I sound sarcastic, my own boys did not have any particular interest in girls until high school, but my DAUGHTER has been fascinated with boys since 5th grade, sigh.
A strong quality male role model would be a real plus!
Hope this helps, feel your pain! :(
It sounds like it is time for "the talk".
Take away his phone.
Well at this age they don't even know what "dating" is.
And for texting... kids get into LEGAL trouble for that too... and for sending photos/nudity in e-mails too or posting it online.... does your son have an e-mail account and an online account for anything? Because, besides his phone... these are other avenues... of ways teens... communicate.
Perhaps, you and he, should attend a cyber safety class or workshop. Some schools even have that for families.... look into it or any community workshops on it.
At this age, they don't have the maturity to be 'wise' about their conduct.... even in hindsight. So... parents have to take the lead in it.
The human brain... is not even fully developed until 26 years old.
A mere 10 year old... does not have the full maturity to know the ramifications of things... their actions etc.
What if, that girl's Parents... got all pissed off your son was making out with their Daughter???? What a DRAMA that would be... and trouble for you... his parents. For example....
Lots of scenarios... can happen.
How would you feel... if YOU were the Mom of that girl, for example????
Exploration with the opposite sex... occurs. Even at his 10 year old age.
But how will others view that... ie: her parents????
I am sure... he does not even know... about "sex" nor what can happen....
Many things for him to realize... and to learn about.
He is young. Not wise.
What does his Dad think??? As a couple, you and your Husband should sit down with him, and have a "talk" about it.
AND he can get in trouble in school too... as the previous poster said....
there is so much liability to things too, nowadays.... good or bad.
Educate him, clearly... on the facts of texting/e-mail/online behavior/how treat great girls/his body/his urges/biology etc. It is TIME... to have a TALK with him... a very succinct talk... and your rules... and about boundaries... and for in the future... HOW to treat girls... etc.
Do not mince words.
He needs to understand.... fully... how to manage his "urges."
AND he NEEDS to know.... the FULL RAMIFICATIONS of things and his actions. Bluntly.
all the best,
Susan
Here the school had to stop kids from going near the building during recess because there are small brick seats that you can hide behind. It was because of this stuff. I would strongly suggest the school tighten up on playground supervision. A whole group of third graders just got in trouble for sneaking behind the building to have a wedding including real kissing.
It is happening here too. Are they allowed to have cell phones at school?
My daughter is 13 and not yet interested in the opposite sex but she has some older friends and I felt I had to educate her or she would get wrong info on the bus or from peers. I bought several good books on Amazon.com. One is called "100 questions you would never ask your parents" and the other one is simply called "Sex". The first debunks myths, like you cannot get pregnant standing up, etc. The second starts with biology but moves onto birth control and venereal diseases, etc. My daughter was a bit grossed out about it all and told me she does not need to know all that stuff yet. I just wanted her to know the info is available when and if she feels comfortable.
Beside all the good info below, maybe you can get him some targeted books for boys. There is one called "What is happening to my body for boys" with sections on male and female bodies as well as romantic and sexual feelings. I would load him up with information, maybe if you quench his thirst for info in this manner he can learn what he wants to know without experimenting at too young an age. Good luck.
His hormones must be kicking in early. Explain to him what the difference is between friendships and relationships. Limit the privileges as you've already done. Talk to the parent of the girl involved. Sit both of them down together and talk about what is acceptable for adults and what is not for kids. Explain the dangers of pregnancy, sexual intents, etc, etc. Good luck
When I was 10, I can recall two kids who dated (30 years ago). They went to the movies, etc. So, it's not that unusual.
Have the talk, get dad involved and try to stay focued on how to be a good role model. Is he generally a good kid - then try not to worry and just lead him the best that you can.
For Catherina B., the mom with the 13 year old girl who is not yet interested in the opposet sex - SHE IS - you just don't know it. Sorry.
Oh this is so funny. Back in "my day" they didn't call it "dating," but rather, "going steady." That's b/c dating was a term reserved for all those same activities, but after the age of 16!
I had a "steady"....named "Eddie," the fact of which my family members made numerous jokes about. And we even kissed once or twice, just to see what all the fanfare was about. Of course, we weren't totally ready to do anything else, and it was enough to satisfy our curiosity for the time being.
This is a alluring time for young people because they're trying out roles which lay outside of their childhood identities. I think it's great to be speaking with your son about what's okay and what's appropriate for your house, and what the ground rules are. Curiosity is one thing, but it can unravel very, very quickly. Talking to your son can help him to answer some curious questions without his ever getting into a situation he isn't ready for (even if he thinks he IS ready). I DO understand, because I always felt that I was ready for things in my own mind, even when I probably wasn't.
Even though you may think he's not listening, of even if he says he's not interested in hearing your input, BELIEVE me, those words are echoing in his head when you're no longer around, when he's in the playground, or behind the school, or parked in a car somewhere. Those words are his "home plate," his "base," his "touch stone." Without those guiding parameters, those words of wisdom, there would be much less of a guiding voice to pull him back in when he's out on a limb, experimentally speaking...Boys DO listen to moms.
You're doing a great job, mom. Hang in there!
:D
for starter's take the phone away, period end. school needs to tighten up on supervision i can see puppy love, holding hands at the skate rink with mom and dad sitting watching, but that's a little far..hormones are kicking in mom, has the "talk" been done? if not, now's a good time to start
Obviously you need to have the talk with your son. Other than that you have a lot of repair work to do. I've been thinking about this question a lot since you first posted it. What is happening to you is something called "downmodeling". See the book "Generation Text". The problem when we give our children privledges like cell phones early is because kids think that growing up happens in a line and the earlier they start the earlier you get to each milestone. No privledge will ever be enough, children desperately want to be adults and once they get one privledge their goal is the next one .First they have a cell phone, then they start agitating for a facebook account, next they start to text girls, next they want to see girls by themselves and on and on, until they are showing fully adult behaviours at an early age. To those parents who said that they just went on a date with thier kids at this age, that isn't a good idea because if you permit any kind of "date" you are starting down the road to solo dates. The furthest I would go is to allow my child and chaperone him or her on a group outing - make sure you didn't call it a date because to your child it seems like you are saying that is OK.
Some things you should do. I would make it clear to my child that he should NEVER (even at school) be alone with a child of the opposite sex unless he has explicit permission for that. I am not a fundamentalist, but the concept of chaperonage is a good one for all parties and for public good.
My suggestion is that you take away the cell phone and make it a "family" cellphone. Until my children are 16 they will not own thier own phone. I will have one or two extra phones that I give out to whoever is staying late at school, going to a sleepover etc. Your child has an adult communication device and that makes him feel like he is an adult.
