Teen Son Out of Control

Hi m.o.t.,

Just a suggestion: I really like the book, "Have a New Kid by Friday."

I find it to empower me as a parent, without battles or fighting.

t

I know it's going to sound odd but have you tried sitting with him and talking about what's going on to get his opinion? My second daughter was pushing my buttons when she was a teen and I was so tired of the constant negotiations to get her to do what needed to be done.

Finally one day I told her that we would be sitting down the following day to discuss the situation in a non judgemental way. I asked her to get a list together of what she thought the issues were and her ideas for solutions and I'd do the same. The following day we gave each other our lists and had a frank discussion on what was going on. It was interesting and insightful to see her brain work. It was also great for me to show her my fears if things continued the way they were going.

Did it solve the problems? Some and some not so much. But it was successful because it brought us more communication. Teens don't think we understand what they feel and no amount of telling them that you do will ever convince them. Their child world is a different world than ours was. So talking with them to get a look into their world is helpful.

This might sound weird... but it seems to work! My kids take Karate - and there are actually quite a few kids with ADHD in the class (my kids are not ADHD - but I've talked with the other parents about it). There are also kids with Aspergers (sp) Syndrome who are doing REALLY well.

It's a great environment for the kids to get out their frustration, and it teaches respect, restraint, discipline...

It's just a thought, but I know it's helped quite a few families in your situation.

God Bless-
C.

One of my friends talked to me about what his discipline was like growing up and I think it was a GREAT idea! With his parents, if he got in trouble, his punishment was major physical labor. They lived on a wooded property, so he used to be woken up at 5 a.m., and had to spend the whole morning chopping wood, picking up broken branches, or something similarly hard. He said that when he had the choice to do something where he knew he'd get in trouble over, he always thought twice and it was rare that he chose the behavior. If he backtalked, his dad sent him out to do chores also. I've made my 7 year old go out and pick up sticks for a punishment before and it worked great. Other things you can do is make them clean the kitchen floor with a bucket and towel so they're down on their hands and knees. I try to keep the punishments limited to things that aren't a normal cleaning activity because I don't want to raise my kids to HATE cleaning. So things like giving them a pair of scissors and making them trim the grass around trees and stuff I find is a lot more effective. As far as taking things away...if it isn't something he really treasures, it's not going to work. I would do things like take away phones, video game consoles, or mp3 players. You could find a friend or family member who has lots of yard work, and send him over to do a day of chores for them. You have to do trials to find what punishment works and what ones don't. Once you find one that works, he'll start making better choices. Kids have to be able to predict their consequences in order to make good choices. I do discipline charts when my kids go through periods of acting out more than normal. When he's yelling, I agree in you that you need to try to not participate. There's no reasoning with a child. Their brains aren't developed enough to have a lot of empathy when it comes to their family members and disrespecting them.

Quick, read he wise and useful parenting "workshop" titled How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It's probably not too late to learn how children can, and do, propose their own solutions to a wide range of problems. This could even include your son deciding for his own reasons to take his meds.

If your son is "always" in trouble, he is essentially backed into an emotional corner where he has nothing to lose. So, why should he bother to make an effort if he's convinced it won't make a positive difference? On the other hand, if YOU and his dad could initiate something more positive, he may be surprised to find his better impulses. One of the parent quotes in the book is, "It seems that the more I look for the best in him, the easier it is for him to be better."

I worked for about 3 years with at-risk kids in my local high school, supposedly tutoring them in difficult subjects, but most of what I did was listen to the kids compassionately, which gave them an opportunity to listen to themselves and take themselves seriously.

With the dozens of young people I tutored, there was only one who was determined to remain a problem, and I can't help but wonder how his attitudes might have changed if I could have had more time with him. Once attitudes changed, and the kids felt genuine interest from an adult who would truly listen to their issues from their side, the changes they displayed ranged from surprising to miraclulous. Once the emotional issues were calmed, they could apply themselves to their schoolwork, and did much better in their classes.

At that time, I had no particular training in those listening techniques other than a difficult childhood in which I never felt my mother listened to me or saw me as a unique and separate person. Even with no training, my listening made a remarkable difference. With the techniques in this book, I would probably have done even better.

Read part of it here: : http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081.... Then buy the book. It will be a fabulous investment.

Sounds like a friend of mine (with her daughter)...

I dont mean to sound offensive. You might want to look into drug testing. See the reaction when you mention it. Thats what made my friend take the plunge. She's glad she did.

Good Luck to you.

I had a child that was very much like yours.

I made it point to complemnt him on something he did at least once per week. Even a stopped watch is right twice per day. (I tried to do this with all my kids. Sometimes I was successful and sometimes not at all successful.)

Tell your son you love him. When he comes across with this "This is a bunch of bull . . ." attitude, tell him something like, "I'm sorry you feel this way now, but some day you'll be a good, fine man and you'll know this is to your benefit." During one of my confontations with my son, he told me he hated me. I had already thought out what I was going to reply. I said, "I'm sorry you feel that way because I love you and always will do what I can to help you. I'm your dad." It helped.

It was about that time I made it a point to give my kids huggs and tell them I loved them and to try and find something to complement them or and tell them "Thank you" for somthing they had done. It made a big difference in our family. It made a big difference in me too.

Good luck to you and yours.

My first thought is to get his medication issue solved. Have you asked him why he doesn't like to take them. Maybe they have a side effect he doesn't like. Maybe the doctor needs to change them.

I don't have any boys, but I have a 13 yr old girl. Ya, some of the attitude is normal, but the disrespect can not be tolerated.

Once the medicine issue is dealt with, I would sit down and have a family meeting. Put the rules of the house in writing and the consequenses too. Let him be apart of the decisions and encourage him to voice his opinion in a respectful way. Let him know you are willing to compromise on some things, but not others.

Ask him what you can do to help him follow the rules? See what he says.
Good luck and stick to your guns!

Did I write this? Sounds like our house. I just sent both boys to their rooms and all I heard from the older one is, "This is bull! I'm not going to take this anymore!"

My husband said we are going to empty their bedrooms of everything except a bed, a dresser and a bible and they can spend their free time in there if this keeps up. I am ready to do it right now.

I have no idea why they think they can act this way. I try to let it slide off my back, but I'm getting to the breaking point as well.

We had a huge rudeness and disrespect problem with our youngest when he was 14. We met with a counselor at our church who helped a lot.
We had the whole punishment thing down! Punished, took away what he liked, yelled, all kinds of things when he disobeyed and was rude to us.

The counselor said he was focused on the punishment (as were we.)

We tried rewarding for when he did what was expected. It made a difference in his attitude! It was a slow process, by a family counselor really helped us. We had to totally undo the discipline approach that was used on our other boys (and worked!) to a new approach for him. He felt like everything he did was wrong...so why try....when we took the punishment route. His coping skills / treatment of others improved dramatically the first time he made in 5 days without an infraction and earned "the reward."

P.S. All this took place 2 years ago. We recently sat down and had a good talk about the "ugly days." From my teen son's perspective, he said "just coming home made him angry." He knew he could never do everything right, and he always felt "p***ed off" everytime we talked to him.
Thought his words were interesting.

He is struggling to find himself as a man. He is not a baby and he is not an adult. It's hard for teens this age. I've worked with them before as a youth leader and I know they want most of all trust from their parents. They want to be able to feel like they can be a "man" without being TOLD what to do, yet venture out and make mistakes and know that they can come back to you as a child if they need to. The talk you have with him should not be totally what you want, but negotiating with him, pointing out by examples what his actions can result in. Give him tools to let him make decisions on his own within the guidelines you want, so he can be responsible for them. Hang in there. It will get better. I heard someone say kids get into a fog at 12 and don't come out of it until they are 21. I really do believe his actions are typical of teens.

It's not too late for "Love and Logic." Go buy the books today! If your son is not on medication get him evaluated for his depression and see if you can help him........if he is willing to take it. As far as therapy......it's great if your son is willing to go, but if he goes against his will probably won't help.

If your son will cooperate be sure he is eating properly and getting vitamins. I can make suggestions in that arena.

This does sound like typical teen behavior but you need to address it all the same. I understand how hard it is not to get into the push and pull of arguing. You and your husband do your best to fight that urge. It only makes things worse.

Love and Logic may be your best bet.

I went though problems like this with my son and his dad was out of the picture through divorce. I had gone as far as having to call the cops on him when he was around 14 or 15. He ended up in charter school which was a blessing, but couldn't pass the math on the state test. He is now on the verge of going to Job Corps now that he is 21 and couldn't find a job from lack of effort. He and my present husband did not get along and after a horrbile confrontation he was put out and stays with my sister-in-laws sister until he leaves for the Job Corps. It seems your son needs another placement. Is it possible he is on drugs and this could be just sniffing chemicals such as household sprays, rubbing alcohol, glue, or even computer/video game cleaner. He seems in a depressed state. I will pray because I feel your pain.

I can tell you that inconsistency with his meds could be attributing to the negative behavior. At the age of 14, I dispense the meds and check the mouth afterwards to be sure it has been swallowed. This is the age when my daughter was diagnosed bipolar. I know that IF he is actually bipolar, some ADHD meds can aggravate the symptoms. I recommend another psychologist appt to determine if there may be more issues than ADHD and depression- neither of which are to be taken lightly. Either can be overcome with adherence to the meds and coping skills which are developed through therapy. Another, although extreme, thing to keep in the back of your mind is a Residential Treatment Center for Boys.

Sounds like you are at your wits' end. Total Transformation is a program that you have to pay for, but it sounds like it is worth it.

http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/TheProgram.aspx

They also have a free website and newsletter at

http://www.empoweringparents.com/

Good luck!

sounds to me like he is smelling himself! but some teenagers seem to do it more then others!! My boyfriend's son is 13 and on a similar path. we recently had to put a lock on our bedroom door and he went in the basement and figured out that the other keys in another lock set unlocked our door, and was going on our room having a FIELD DAY! this boy is just about by size in height but i out weigh big time! my boyfriend is 5X bigger then him. he does trys the "i am not doing that, i don;t think i should have to do that" My boyfriend gets with him physically! I know some ppl don't believe in that but this boy is truly out of order. we take away the cable in his room. he can't go anywhere, and mr. I'm not doing that ends up washing walls, baseboards, the basement, defrosting the freezer, cleaning the frig! anything we can think of. he straightens right on up. I had to get him one day he thought cause he wa taller then me he could intimidate, and I TORE MY HOUSE UP letting him know what time it was! He wont do that again. it sounds to like he is testing you guys and trying to see what he can get away with. Don;t let him do that cause in a minute you will be running from him then what are you going to do,. sit him down and let him know you ( you and your husbands) are the boss and all this nonsense is going to stop. ask him is he angry or upset about anything and see if you can help, but do not let him run you or your household! I wish you the best of luck and you and your family are in my prayers.

I can totally relate to ALL of what you are going through. I have a 16 year old son who we have had the exact same issues with. He is also ADHD and he is also Bi-Polar. Have you had your son tested for this? It could be one of the reasons his moods are all over the place. Our son is in a program right now called the National Guard Youth Challenge Program. It is a 5 1/2 month away from home program to teach them self discipline and self worth. Then they come home and have a mentor for the next year that helps them stay on track. The program is only for 16-19 year olds but it may be something you want to consider if the behavior doesn't improve by then. You can also get counseling for your son through the United Way. You pay based on your income and what you can afford. In the meantime, you may want to find another doctor for your son. His meds may not be right and that could be why your son is acting out. He may feel like he's out of control. I really feel for you and what you are going through. My son comes home in June and I'm a little nervous and excited at the same time. I have told him that if we don't see a significant change, he will have to move out of our house. He will be 17 in Sept. I told him that this is the first time our house has been peaceful and we aren't walking around wondering what his mood will be like and I refuse to go back to that. I will pray that your situation turns around. Good luck.

You and your hubby need to go on dates with him, one on one, often. Make it stuff he loves to do. Make it a really fun bonding time with him. He's in trouble all the time so it's a vicious circle. If you can make some positive deposits into the relationship bank account he's going to want to respect you. Right now he just thinks you suck so why even try to please you. I promise it will work, but you've got to put the time in and do this at least once a week, trading off between you and your husband.

You have gotten some good advice.
I am not sure what your religious beliefs are but the one thing that helped me was to claim my son as a child of GOD. Kids are so inundated with negative these days in all the TV and music that we have gotten to a place in our society that we don't realize how bad it affects some of our kids. So pray for him to not be affected by the negative and to feel YOUR LOVE AND THE LOVE OF GOD.
Pray it ALL time, every day, whenever it comes to mind.
Then I would also follow the positive reinforcements that some of the other moms recommended.
My boys are 18 and 20 now and for the most part they are past the acting out stage. Another thing that helped my family is to sit down to dinner every night. We talk, laugh and just stay in touch. NO PHONES at the table during dinner. You cannot be mean to your brother or sister, you just eat dinner with us. Even if you don't like us, we love you!!
Good luck and God Bless

Boarding School. Send him away for a year and see if it gets him back in line. Kids don't appreciate what they have until its gone. Ha Ha Ha! Although I'm sure this is not an option for you, you can try boot camp for kids. Especially since the summer is coming up. I would research it online and ask any of your counselors and see if they have any good ideas. Although its nice to think we can control our children, sometimes we have to have outside help. It is for the better for your son to learn these disciplines at an early age because Life doesn't get easier. Especially with ADHD, these are skills that he will need for the rest of his life. I know that he is a teenage boy and sometimes they can be a little disruptive, but if he is uncontrollable now, just wait until he's 16. Get help soon.