My almosst 11 year old daughter is turning out to be quite selfish. She is giving towards her friends, but not so much at home. She questions why she is asked to do simple tasks like helping to take out bread and items to make her lunch, cleaning crumbs off the counter, unloading the dishwasher, etc., and says she "doesn't like team work." I understand a good portion of this could be lazyness, but she truly has a look of disgust when she questions us, not just a typical, whiny, lazy attitude. This is not a quality my husband or I posess, as we love to pitch in and help each other out. So...where does this little monster come from and what can I do to reverse it? I'm afraid she'll turn out to be an out of control teenager if we don't get a handle on this now.
Thank you, everyone, for responding. The ideas were great, and things are improving a little. I am out of school for winter break, so it's a little easier to be consistent.
Hello,
Oh I so know what you are going thru. I too have an 11 year old. I get it all of the time from him. I feel like I am putting him out everytime I ask him to do something. I feel the same as you and I get so frustrated. I was not raised that way nor have i raised him to be that way. I think it is the age thing. Just stand strong. lol
I tell my girls..."because you DON'T pay any rent... that is why you have to do it".
My girls sound just like yours... and I'll tell you what I did. We started two weeks ago and honestly it is so hard to be consistent. I made them each a binder with their chore charts. I told them exactly what I expected all the way down to "What is a Clean Room" and then listed out everything that had to be done in order for it to be clean.. same for their bathrooms. I got them each their own cleaning bucket that I decorated with their names and they each have their own set of cleaning supplies. Now, they are getting paid... however, when something is NOT done they not only don't get paid, but if I have to do it for them... then they have to PAY me... and when they leave something out and I pick it up, then they can only get it back when they BUY it back!!!
I was just totally and completely SICK of cleaning up after everyone! Now... your daughter doesn't want to help you, so don't help her. If she wants to be selfish, then let her. You be selfish too! Stop buying things for her and stop doing things for her! It's a two way street!
If she doesn't like team work, let her do it all by herself.
Explain to her that team work is what runs the world and makes it a nicer place to live. If everyone does what they want to when they want to then its not such a great world to live in. To have a nice home and to run a home takes many tasks that aren't always pleasant or fun. Helping out makes the work easier and more enjoyable because of the companionship while doing it.
If she isn't up for getting the bread for her sandwich, then don't make her a sandwich. She isn't just "not helping" she is avoiding responsibility and also being disrespectful of your thoughtfulness and defiant. Remind her you are doing her a favor, and that you don't have to do it. She isn't an infant anymore and you have choices to not do certain things for her.
Make her responsible completely alone for certain tasks instead of "helping" you do tasks. That will be a shock and she will gain an appreciation for your work (and teach her good life skills). She will only be selfish if you pick up her slack for her. Trick here is to make her responsible for things that only will affect her like her laundry, cleaning her private bathroom, etc.
My boys are 11 and 9 and I have been having them make dinner each one day a week. I just announced one day after they were standing in the kitchen whining about how hungry they were. I said if they could do it faster go right ahead. My oldest smarted off and started to wander around to make dinner and became less insolent almost immediately. I showed him how to prepare simple foods and made it a weekly event for both of them to appreciate my efforts. They don't whine anymore.
They also have to help with laundry. They don't want to do it when its time? Ok I say "you can wear dirty clothes to school then" (they would jump off a cliff first) and I just wash my own. If they help bring all the dirty laundry down and fold etc then I will help them by washing theirs and mine together. Again I got the insolent attitude but they quickly came to me for help in trying to figure out the washer and dryer when I pointed out that they had no clean clothes for school a few days later.
It also sounds like she has a general disrespect for you as a person if she has a look of disgust on her face. I would implement these things immediately with her and let her know you really disapprove of her attitude. Give her the list of things you will no longer "be on her team" to help with and leave her to her own devices until she comes to you for help. Be sure that you aren't doing too much for her, she needs at that age to have responsibilities and understanding of all you do for her and she should be showing some appreciation.
HI! HAVE YOU CONSIDERED FINDING SOME TIME TO DO VOLUNTEER WORK WITH ALL OF YOU AS A FAMILY? I THINK SHE IS AT AN AGE WHERE SEEING OTHERS THAT ARE LESS FORTUNATE MIGHT MAKE HER APPERICIATE WHAT SHE DOES HAVE. MAYBE SERVING AT A SOUP KITCHEN OR EVEN DONATING SOME OF HER OLD TOYS! WE HAVE A YEARLY TRADITION WHERE WE GO THROUGH OUR CHILDRENS TOYS WITH THEM AND GET RID OF THE ONES THEY NO LONGER WANT OR PLAY WITH..THEN WE EXPLAIN WHY WE ARE DONATING THEM..WE HOPE TO DO VOLUNTEER WORK OURSELVES. I TRULY FEEL THAT IF SHE SEES OTHERS WITH ALOT LESS SHE MIGHT REALIZE HOW LUCKY SHE IS AND DECIDE TO HELP OUT MORE..
Ok, I may not be the best mom to respond to this but will. lol My daughter is 8 and she has to do chores every day, and doesn't get an allowance for it (cruel, cruel world!) My husband and I both believe that b/c she is a part of the household and we buy her extra things (like movies, stickers, toys, etc; you know over and above her every day needs) then she should help around the house just like we both do. If she is asked to do anything other than her normal chores then she does get an allowance or item when we got to the store (usually she'll ask to do extra stuff when she wants a new book or stickers or something like that). I would just tell your daughter that the chores you ask her to do are part of her contribution to the household and they are nonnegotiable. Hope you get the answer you are looking for!
Hi M.,
I highly recommend two books: Miss Manners' Guide to Domestic Tranquillity and Miss Manners' Guide to Rearing Perfect Children (it's a joke, of course!)--you can get them on Amazon. They are awesome guides to teaching kids good manners and good, unselfish values while treating the kids respectfully. She has a lot of great advice on how to handle kids back talking and questioning why they have to do things. She has raised 2 daughters of her own while having a career so she knows how it is! A friend with wonderful, sweet kids turned me on to her books years ago and I plan to use her advice with our daughter as she grows.
It sounds like she is picking up an attitude from her peers, and possibly from media for kids her age, which really encourages rude, selfish behavior by making it seem "grown up". When she asks why she has to help out, you can tell her that it's because that's just what people do in families. When she says she doesn't like team work, tell her you hope she'll change her mind because she will be always part of a team for the rest of her life (at work, school, with family etc.). Stand firm and keep setting a good example like you and your husband are doing. If she says her friends don't have to help out at home, just say "that isn't how it works in our family". You may have some rough years but in the end she will turn out fine if you make her walk the line.
Best of luck!
C. :-)
Dear M.:
My mother simply used to say "...because this is not a hotel." I tell my son "...because I say so." to avoid a discussion. If you want to reason, you can argue that she (probably) gets an allowance and therefore might as well pitch in.
I am sure it is an outside influence, and if that is the worst you ever observe you are a lucky mother.
Regards,
W.
I agree with a couple of the ladies on here! You are going to have to start putting your self aside and make her do thing's for herself! Like clean her room, make her lunch, my sister has made her girls do their own laundry since they were her age, have her cook a meal a week nothing hard but something like hamburger helper for an idea. The only time you should step in isif she mouths at you or your husband, doesn't follow rules like curfew. If you give her allowance then remove so much of it when she does something wrong or take something away from her she really loves. I have a 11yr.old grandson & I keep telling his mom she need's to put her foot down. She starts out doing so then gives in to him. That's not good. They just learn how to get by on anyone. This is just the beginning I hope you know! But start now & just maybe later it won't be so bad! You can't give in once you say something you have to follow through with it!
Hello M. - I am a new member on this awesome site,thus the reason for being "slow to respond" as I was browsing around I ran accross your post. I hope things are continuing to work for the better for you and your daughter.
My children are grown, and I am a "Grams"... I read some excellent advice from all of the Moms! Wow... where were ya'll back in the 80's!!!???? I sure could have used friends like this!
I truley couldn't agree more from one of the post regarding showing your daughter volunter work or the life of the homeless. Kids today are exposed to nothing but "the best"... "got to have"...lastest of everything...all the video games, electronics, etc... I believe helps to add to the "laziness"... and they get it! What "it" is I've still to figure out and my baby is 30!
Children today are so much more smart and advanced. They have the potential to excell to great heights when given the oppurtunity and "SHOVE" to compete on other levels. Keep your daughter active. Volleyball, softball, band, twirling, dance... anything - you will be suprised what a differnece in her whole attitude that alone will make. She will appreciate not only herself, but others more in return.
I would also take her and show her the homes, lives of people,children in bad living conditions. Maybe take donations of her "stuff" to give to those who have not even a pair of shoes. As well as volunteer work, maybe serving Thanksgiving dinners to the hungry - they do that every year in Houston.
And in the end you will find before you know it she (and you&your family) is spending more & more time together, and even with her friends!
Well, sorry to ramble...I wish you the best of luck, and if it helps any more... it will come back to you in obundance!
R.
I am pretty sure this is a phase all 11 year olds go through. I teach preK through 5th grade and the 11 year old attitude is not new news to me. She is really trying to assert her independence and let you know that she is her own person capable of making her own decisions. Unfortunatly, she is 11 and has the maturity of an 11 year old and so she asserts herself in inappropriate ways. Also at 11 kids are pretty sure that the world revolves around them because for so long when they are little it does. She will ultimatly figure out that being a part of a team is part of life, but right now she won't see that unless it directly affects her life. I loved the advice the mom previously gave about the chore bucket. I don't personally believe in paying kids to do their chores, but if it works for you then who am I to say otherwise. Try asking her to do things that will immediatly affect her first. For example, if you ask her to get out the things to make her lunch, and she refuses to do it then her lunch doesn't get made that day. If you ask her to bring down her clothes to the laundry and she doesn't do it then she doesn't have clean socks or underpants the next day. It may seem cruel, but ou will be equiping your child with tools for her life. And trust me, after a day without a lunch or clean socks (or underpants) her attitude will begin to adjust. Good luck and remember as with any phase...this too shall pass.
